Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра

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Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра

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The First 101 Days

Day 1: There are bad mornings and then there's waking up to sirens because Russia invaded at 5 AM.

Day 2: Was woken up by sirens and had to hang out in the shelter, which is just an ancient basement. The capital is under siege. I've no idea what happens next.

I've left Kiev and staying at my sister's in the country where it's safer.

Day 4: We're all fine and optimistic. The Russians haven't managed to take any major cities and suffer heavy losses. They expected an easy win so they're in for a big disappointment. They're demoralized and running out of fuel and ammo. Shouldn't be long.

Day 7: I'm fine, except I got sick, possibly with Covid. Spent a few days lying down but I'm better now. We're holding on well and it's nice the whole world applauds our resilience but we still very much need foreign assistance to win.

Day 9: I'm feeling much better but there are others who are more sick. It's relatively quiet here but the cities are still being bombed. There's no time to worry. We also make short informational videos and post them online to try to get through to Russians.

Day 10: We're mostly recovered but yesterday the water pump broke so we had to bring it from the well. The men finally managed to fix it now and I had a very luxurious shower. It's starting to feel like a new normal.

Day 14… I think… Time has somewhat lost its meaning now. Doing fine overall but the exhaustion is taking its toll. Normal life seems so distant, like a blissful dream.

Day 18: It's actually pretty hard to get depressed when you have a 6-year old who randomly leans in to you and whispers to your ear "karapupskin!!!" [s]

Day 19: The village I'm staying at is actually a great archeological site of one of the world's oldest civilizations. Right now many museum artefacts that are like 6,000 years old, books and documents are just lying randomly in the basement. [s]

We didn't go there for the artifacts though. We went to help the local women knit some military camouflage nets. I don't know if they will be any good but it felt good to be a part of this.[s]

Day 20: There's hope that war ends within a week or two since Russian forces have exhausted their resources, losing about a 1/3 of its army already. But each day is innocent lives lost.

The 6-year old loves to read and she reads everything she sees. You have to be careful though coz today she came over to me and bagan to read the headline on the monitor "As of today, 97 children have died in the war" I manged to scroll the page just in time.

The little one doesn't really seem to realize what is going on. Or so we thought. Today she hid from me and told me she teleported to Kiev. When I asked her what she was doing there, she said she killed all the tanks there so we can now go home.

Day 24: I feel more angry and upset than I ever was since the start of war. Our troops miraculously pushed the Russians away form the cities but we can't stop the planes and missiles. Our cites are being leveled. Burned to the ground. People are dying.

The West promised us help but they mostly sent old useless stuff. We badly need aircraft and anti-missile systems to fight back. The West won't give us any or only agrees to give it in exchange for something better. What's the use of NATO and UN if they just stand by and watch?

Day 31: It seems like Russian lost hope of capturing Kiev and focused on the East instead. Maryana (6 yo) with her family left for Kiev today but I decided to stay for longer and make sure it's safe.

Day 38: After 5 weeks in the country, I finally came home today. Hopefully, to stay. It's not 100% safe yet, but nowhere is right now. The road was long and every mile was secured with anti-tank "hedgehogs" and stoic men from the volunteer militias.

Day 40: The Northern front, including Kiev region, has been liberated. It brought relief but also immense pain at the horrors found there. Many people wonder how Hitler and his people managed to commit all the atrocities. This is how.

It's good waking up in your own bed. You can lie in bed for some time and pretend that everything was but a terrible dream.

Day 41: The first few days back home were a nervous wreck but turns out you can get used to things very quickly, even things like sirens several times a day, iron anti-tank hedgehogs outside your window, military men and women everywhere. It's all fine when you know you are 99% safe.

Day 49: The war is stalling but that's somehow even worse as the news all deal with the horrors found in liberated towns. Every day a new mass grave discovered, often just miles from here. Grief is a life state now. I knew humanity can get ugly but never so close to home.

Day 51: The infamous battle ship finally went where it was directed but it got them really pissed off, so we went from 1 siren a day back to 5. Whatever. The embassies who fled before the war even started are coming back and the "hedgehogs" beneath my window are gone.

Day 53: I'm not a military expert and I've never been patriotic, but with the stuff our army's pulling in the past 7 weeks, I'd expect NATO to beg us to enter. Especially considering they expected us to fail within days.

Day 62: Descended into the vault the other day. In the month we've been away, it hasn't changed much. The only additions were a lightbulb and crates with gas masks from I assume the WWII? Hopefully, we won't need them any more. [s]

Day 64: The situation is stable. Battles continue but we're holding our ground. The next few weeks will be decisive. All I hope for is that the besieged civilians will get evacuated, our army will handle the rest.

Spent over 2 hours bracing ourselves from the threat of air strikes. Two explosions were heard, several blocks away. Talk about a ruined evening.

Day 65: Wait, US… you can't give us 1 fighter jet but Taliban gets 78? That's lovely. [s]

Haven't listened to NEWS in weeks. Though uplifting songs is their thing, they're the "you can pass this test!" songs, not "you can survive this genocide!" type.

Day 71: After a few quiet days, it's now sirens for hours a day. The Russians target the railroads and supply lines and try to delay the delivery of the weapons from the West.

I tend to forget the pandemic is still going on. You see, here in Ukraine it ended on February 24. No more masks and mandates. Not a word of it. Thanks, Russia.

Day 73: Russia is poised to celebrate Victory Day so it could announce war and mobilization, claim the territory it already captured, attack Moldova, … idk nuke something? It's the world's shittiest lottery and I'm not sticking around to see the grand reveal.

Day 77: Nothing apocalyptic happened on May 9. It's almost disappointing, really. In the country, with all the bloom and without even the sirens, you tend to forget there's a war going on and it feels wrong. So I'm back home again.

Day 80: They say it's now a war of attrition. At best, we'll be able to counter-attack effectively in a month and it might take months more to reclaim our territory. The city is fairly safe but people still die from missiles once in a while. And I thought life was strange before.

The girl I was teaching Japanese before the war has become a refugee in France. Now I'm teaching her French.

Day 84: I had a dream where I was sitting on a bench with my mother at night, in an unfamiliar town, when missiles started falling right before our eyes, spreading fire, getting closer to us. We didn't run, there was no point. I prepared to die. They never reached us.

Day 87: Today is my birthday and the first to greet me today were Russian missiles announced by sirens. Thankfully, they were greeted in turn by Ukrainian air defence systems.

Day 90: It's been 3 months and the martial law has been extended to another 3 months. It's unlikely to end by then but… We just hope that 3 months from now, the war map will be a very different picture.

Day 92: The following month will be brutal, they say. The landlease will give us weapons but it can take a month or more for it to get here and another few weeks to get the training. Until then, it will just be more death and destruction every day without much gains.

Day 94: At least 30k Russian soldiers lost their lives trying to conquer my land. How many more?

Day 95: Today is City Day, the annual Kyiv festival. I totally forgot about it and I never really loved my city - it's messy and ugly. But today I'm just happy the city still stands.

"They are worse than the Nazis" is not a phrase you expect to hear from multiple elderly people, well, ever.

Day 101: at this point half my mind wants to forget about everything and pretend it's business as usual and the other half feels really guilty about that.

@темы: snapshot

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Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра

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I had a dream where I was sitting on a bench with my mother at night. In an unfamiliar town, since we had someone drive us. Then missiles started falling right before our eyes, spreading fire, getting closer to us. We didn't run, there was no point. I prepared to die. They never reached us.

@темы: Dreams

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I guess retrospectively, it was rather naive to think 2022 would be a decent year and not further descent into madness verse...

@темы: musings

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I remember few dreams lately but today I remembered two. Both very unpleasant. It was the second that shook me the most though. It was one of tose hyper-realistic dreams that are rare and seem to be connected to games, and I did pick up ME:A the other day. So I marveled at it: is this a game? I thought. No way, these graphics would not work on my oldie PC, it would lag like hell. Anyway, it was incredibly cool but also a horror. A very dark one, literally and figuratively, with an obscure chilling plot and a sense of danger. I didn't get right out of it though. I stuck around a bit, but at some point, as another horrible twist happened I knew it was time to get the fuck out. And it's not that easy to get out of a bad dream. It's a bit like Take On Me video. I did of course. Can't imagine someone paying and submitting oneself to such an experience wilingly but people are strange.

@темы: Dreams

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2021 Totals

Site of the Year: tumblr, Twitter, Duolingo, Youtube too
Obsession of the Year: Dolls, make-up, Queer History 
Movie of the Year: -
Series of the Year: The Wilds
Documentary of the Year: 
TV Show of the Year: The Crystal Maze
Game of the Year: Drakensang Online, 
Purchase of the Year: new phone, Amber & Noelle
Book of the Year: -
Personality of the Year: Richard Ayoade
Fic of the Year: Incubus
Ship of the Year: Stucky, I guess
Throwback of the Year: Marvel, KLF
Artist of the Year: -
Album of the Year: -
Disappointment of the Year: GEMINI I, 
Challenge of the Year: Hospital visits, job hunting, teaching
Blessing of The Year: getting a job I love, 3 jobs actually

MORE

Soundtrack of the Year: Marina - Man's World, Marina - Life is Strange, KLF - The White Room, Sia - Saved My Life, Natalie Holt - TVA

Movies:
Black Widow

King Richard

Spencer

Series:

All Creatures Great and Small
The Wilds
The Spanish Princess S2
Brooklyn 9/9 S1-8
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
The Mythic Quest
The Falcon And The Winter Soldier
Loki
Physical S1
Community S1
The Good Fight S5
Mr. Corman
Ted Lasso S1-2
Maid
Morning Show S2
Foundation S1
Around the World in 80 Days S1
Hawkeye
Dickinson S2,3

Shows

Drag Race S13
The Crystal Maze
Question Team

Documentaries:

Games:
Sims 3
Drakensang Online
Beyond Eden
FalloutShelter
Democracy 4
Baldur's Gate III early access
NFS Hot Pursuit 11

Fanvideos finished:
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Fanfics finished:
Incubus 

This year took just 1 page.

I'm probably forgetting something but looks like it was not the best year for music. 

@темы: Totals

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Perhaps it is

This year started really hard and ended blissfully. I used to think 21 is my lucky number but after so many bad painful years I hardly dared to think that this one would be IT. And yet, it was. It certainly wasn't sudden and every bit earned but still hit me like a tsumani. The last two months have been more eventful than whole years of my life. I keep surprising myself by stretching every day and I feel 10 feet tall. After 12 years the nightmare finally faded and I saw the light. I've had a lot of ups and downs but now it just feels like I got on the right tracks and though there surely will be more challenges, nobody can take away what I found and that is my full self. The one I always wanted to be.

@темы: myself

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Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра

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the good

It's past midnight and that means one of the best weeks of my life has ended. It was kind of exhausing and more eventful than a regular month but it was mostly exciting. Things have been so well I still have trouble believing it's true. I've been so tired but now it's like I finally found th right path. And it's not like I got lucky. I do not get lucky. Everything I feel right now is the direct result of my hard work, sometimes just holding on and sometimes taking leaps of faith, but all the things I did have led me here. The road was so long that even my supportive mother began to doubt me. And yet, I am here, exactly where I wanted to be, exactly where I knew I belong. Its like seeing a plan you kept for years finally fall into place. I know things are bound to get harder again at some point, but I need to celebrate victories and this is one of them.  

@темы: myself, milestone

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Best animals list (objective)

octopus
sloth
beaver
chameleon
armadillo
otter
panda
fox
cat

@темы: list

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They grow up so fast

I swear last time I checked Cody was like 3 and now he's 16? And an actor? And the new stunt girl.

@темы: Nostalgic Pushead

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Beyond Eden

I've never really been into visual novels but somehow recently I got tricked into one. I started with a VN/dating game, which turned out to be a spinoff so naturally I went back to the original game.

Beyond Eden is pretty fucking dark but I was prepared for it. Sort of. However, there was something I did not see coming, though frankly I should have. 

First off, BL is really not a good description of this game. There's no love in it. Also, 'romantic' is a very wrong way to decribe what goes on between most characters. It's mostly just rape and coercion. The only route that can be described as actually romantic is the Laurance one. That's basically the only good scenario there is. The other so-called good endings are throughly fucked-up. I started with Joshua route but it was sick and disturbing from the start and even though there's a so-called good ending, nothing good starts with rape and coercion. Eddy was willing but he's not a route, only a footnote to Oscar's.

The question may arise why I even bothered to play it? It looks like a pretty typical VN game but it caught me off guard how well-written it is, how complex the charatcers and their motives are. It's a real shame they had to make it so degrading.

And the thing is, they didn't have to use those rape scenes at all. Most routes were's even based on sex but on blackmail and manipulation. Some routes, like the doctor's one were really interesting overall and they really did not have to be romantic or sexual at all. But if they really had to be sexual, there were much better ways to to make a good wicked plot. For instance, Alex could have seduced all 3 of the of age brothers and then make a grand reveal. That would effectively shatter the family and destroy its reputation, not to mention devastate the father.

Apart from that, I am somewhat annoyed at the inconsistencies in different routes. I understand the different events were needed to create more variety but having Joshus sacrifice himself to save his family and in another agree to have his brothers poisoned didn't make any sense. 

Overall though, it's still such an impressive work. Shame it had to rely on horrible BL dynamics.

@темы: Games

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Reinventing or Rehashing

The other day Alice Nine released a PV for GEMINI I. And I was tentatively excited for it. Until about 5 seconds into watching it. Now I am obsessed with GEMINI, have been for all of its 10 years, it is my Bohemian Rhapsody, and I love Part 2 the most. I always wished there were 3 videos for each part but now that we have another video I wish it didn't exist. I think it is inferior to GEMINI-0 is every way, from the song's arrangement to the band's look to the PV overall. This arrangement is apparently taken from a re-release Aniversary album so I assume all songs on it are re-arranged. I love the boys, even though I already accepted that their best music is in the past, but this re-writing is tarnishing their legacy for me. 

I really wish the artists wouldn't do this. I get that they want to reinvent themselves and have every right to tweak their older works but in my opinion, from Gackt re-recording all the songs with his new weirder voice by the time the PV collection DVD came out to Hyde doing Nostalgic as a pale shadow of Roentgen and Alice Nine rerecording their songs for the 15th Anniversary Best Album... so far every artist that's done that has done themselves a disservice.

I can take rehashing, Gackt has pretty much done nothing but remaking his own music after Diabolos but please, leave the old works be. 

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It's only been 20 years...

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Been fiddling with Duolingo a lot lately. I've had this nagging urge to learn some Spanish and I thought it made no practical sense but then I thought why the hell not so now I'm learnig the basics. It's not hard after knowing some French, everything works pretty much the same. Then, as I got into it, I saw the Japanese course has been expanded since I finished it long ago and I took to it as well. Thinking about it, I feel I could use to brush up my French and also learn basic Korean at some point but I should not be so greedy.

@темы: 勉強

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It's weird remembering episodes from your youth and realizing that some things weren't really normal. Like kissing girls being totally ok when you were drunk or a girl showing me a naked photo of her brother who I had a crush on.

@темы: musings

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The Goddess

 

 

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The Falcon And The Winter Soldier, Endgame, the MCU narrative and queerbaiting

Watched The Falcon And The Winter Soldier and I liked it more that I expected, although frankly I didn't expect much. Overall, I love the setting, the cinematography and the character development. The director and the writers did an excellent job. But it also sent me down an emotional roller-coaster and that's the thing I really need to talk about.

It was interesting to see where the show's gonna take things but start to end there was an elephant in the room. It doesn't sit well with me the way they completely sidestepped the Steve Rogers issue. Like, "we didn't make this mess, so we're not gonna go there". And it's just wrong. You can't just avoid the subject altogether and pass it on for future writers to handle. Also, you see Bucky so sad and lonely it breaks your heart.

And this inevitably made me think about Endgame and Cap's storyline. I didn't feel like writing it all down after Endgame but now all these thoughts and feelings came up again and I need to get it off my chest. If they ended it all at Endgame, and I thought they did, it would have been fine, sort of. We'd forgive some loose ends. But they didn't end it there and that makes them fully responsible for this mess.

I mean, I didn't hate Cap's ending. After all, it could have been worse. Steve could get together with Sharon like in the comics and they probably considered it at some point but the reactions were so bad they backed down and dragged Peggy along. Still, the ending just felt forced, no matter how you look at it. The thing is, if I knew about it after the first movie, I'd rejoice. But at this point, after everything that went down after, it just doesn't feel right. 

I love Peggy and I can't deny the dance scene made me flutter a little but now I wish this was Steve's way to keep his promise before going back. In the end, Peggy would be fine without him. She had a good life, she made a career and a family. We know that thanks to Agent Carter. And we got many cues that Steve and Peggy's relationship, as important as it was, was over. Her saying goodbye to him by destroying the serum, him carrying her casket... Yet, Endgame effectively undermined that basically erasing all of these events from existence and making Peggy just a prize for Captain America. 

On the other hand, Bucky needed Steve the most. And the show made it clear how bruised and broken he was. Bucky and Steve's relationship was the closest of any relationship in the MCU. At that point it was clear Bucky was everything to him, the only one who could truly understand him. Steve lost him many times and every time he fought to bring him back, no matter how impossible it seemed. When Bucky was captured Steve went into an enemy base alone on a suicidal mission and saved him and everyone else. That's basically how he became Captain America. Then Bucky got killed in the war and it devastated him. Bucky returned as Winter Soldier and there was hardly any Bucky left in him but Steve nearly let himself be killed because he needed to save him and he trusted that James would not hurt him. When Bucky finally got to his senses, there was an ultimate war going on and in the Snap James fell to dust in front of Steve's eyes. It took 5 years to get him back. And as soon as Steve succeeded, he left him, along with the rest of his traumatized friends and the world in deep chaos, to be with Peggy in 1940's, thus throwing 12 years of his life away. It just didn't feel right. That does a disservice to both Steve and Peggy's storylines.

But it's not just about Peggy or Bucky. Steve going back and living his life to return to that park as an old man has opened a rift with a host of questions. I tried to get to the bottom of it but it got me nowhere. 

According to Russo, when Steve went back he created an alternate reality. He also retired as Captain America. First off, I think he just made that up after to cover up the mess. If that was the case, Cap would return to the designated spot and not be sitting on a bench like he was waiting there all along. But, like, even if it was alternate reality, it could not be that different, right? He wouldn't just live in Peggy's basement, would he? He knew about the things to come like, you know, the HYDRA thing, and being the man that he was, he couldn't just sit and do nothing. Especially when Peggy was one of the founders of the SHIELD. Captain America or not, Steve would do everything to make this world a better place. Also, if Steve went back after he crashed that plane, that means there's another Steve still locked in ice, which Russo confirmed. Even more importantly, in Steve's timeline Bucky is still with Hydra being tortured. There's no way he could leave him there. So much for the 'quiet life'.

Then there are the writers of Endgame who claim that Peggy's two children are fathered by Steve. Really? That directly contradicts the earlier version that the father is a soldier Steve saved, which is shown in Agent Carter. Seriously, guys, if you're gonna make up random bullshit at least get your stories straight first.  

Fans love to make all sorts of theories to try and patch up the holes but the truth is, MCU is not just one mastermind's creation and the comics weren't either. It's bound to be a mess because it's created by dozens of writers and directors and each phase gets increasingly messier because it has to fit in with the 547 previously released movies and shows. I get that and I applaud the effort of Endgame but they really can't expect us to get involved with the characters only to see them being treated as an afterthought.

And the thing is, I thought that it might be just me but after a quick survey of the fandom I realized that a lot of people feel the same way. If you look at the comment section of nearly any relevant video, you're gonna get top comments saying all these things. If Marvel listened just once maybe things would make more sense.

And all these thoughts aren't necessarily what I wanted to see, but what would be right for the characters. And while I do love Stucky, I'm a reasonable shipper and I really didn't expect them to be canon gay or anything, I just wished they had at least spent some time together not fighting, just healing and catching up on their lives. Honestly, I don't always like the way people ship m/m characters in every show but this time it was really more than justified. The whole storyline going through Winter Soldier and Civil War was just massive queerbaiting. It was undeniably a love story, romantic or not.

"Why do you ship male characters?" some people ask. Idk, maybe if the writers put half the effort into developing m/f relationships as they do m/m ones and not just randomly throw them together I might care about them. And MCU was terrible with romance. That traumatic kiss Steve had with Sharon Carter? In the comics, Steve did love Sharon but who cares? In MCU they met, like, twice. Mostly after Peggy's funeral. Peak romance. If they had to pick a new love interest they could go with Natasha. They cared about each other, they bonded in TWS and they were both dealing with some difficult issues. But they became just good friends, which I loved. Instead, Natasha got together with Banner? And then there's Wanda and Vision, which seemed like the most random of pairings with no buildup whatsoever. The wonderful world of heteronormativity where a witch/robot couple comes before a gay one.

And the thing is, I only recently learned that there's some legit leverage to portray Bucky as gay. Bucky is based on two characters from the comics. Bucky Barnes was Steve's teen sidekick, kinda like Robin, so this origin was too weird for MCU. Instead, the writers used the origin story from a character named Arnie. It was a boy Steve grew up with, a boy who protected him from bullies, and a boy who kept inviting Steve to these double dates. A boy who was gay. Which wasn't explicitly stated but was pretty obvious. And this was in 1984. So making Bucky gay would be neither woke nor against 'canon'. It would be way overdue. 

So with TFTWS it was nice to see Bucky recover and bond with Sam but to me the whole ending also felt a bit excessively positive and this time the queerbaiting felt even more intentional, almost as if the writers wanted to distract the discontent fans with a new shiny ship so they forgot all the things they were mad about. Like, of course I want Bucky to be happy but also I hate the way the show's pushing the idea that he just needs to get over losing Steve and move on with his life already because surely all his problems come from his inability to trust people and not trying hard enough, and not from being brainwashed and tortured for 70 years and then losing the only person who loved and cherished him.

https://bookriot.com/marvels-first-gay-couple-arnie-and-michael-a-love-story/
http://moviespoon.com/give-captain-america-a-boyfriend-marvel-fans-petition-for-cap-bucky-to-get-it-on/

@темы: series, Marvel