I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Recently it often feels like a year goes by too quickly but not this time. This year dragged on for long enough. Even Summer now feels far away.
New Things
This was a year of new things - a new credit card, new flashdrive, new player, new camera, and a mostly new PC with a new Windows. There were also two new dolls that I love dearly and a ton of doll clothes. I got a new chair and rearranged my desk with new organizers and a mirror. And then there's all the make-up that I replaced. Getting rid of old things and letting things go is also important to make space and I let go of a lot.
Difficult Things
There was a lot of pain and disappointment, in many different ways. Whether it was people, things or the world in general. I let go of a fairly good work offer. At least the highest salary I was offered up to date, though I do think I deserve so much more. I might not seem ambitions but I am. I have a huge ambition of supporting myself with a job that doesn't make me hate myself. The last month has been the hardest for no apparent reason and that scared me more than any hardship. I am a little better now, but still unstable and have mood swings. I also felt more alone than I have felt in a long time.
I was thoroughly disappointed in one of the persons I was very fond of. I experienced a collapse and eventual recovery of a relationship that meant a lot to me. It was very hard to make the decision of whether to carry on or cut it off and honestly I am still unsure about it. Even though we made up it was never the same, partly because I emotionally moved on and partly because they never have time for me and that really undermines the whole relationship. It's not like they don't care, they just don't care enough. The same goes for pretty much everyone else I'm involved with. Honestly, I am so tired of not being important enough and I guess that's another one of the great elephants supporting my depression. And then of course there's just the general fact: increasing knowledge is increasing grief. I learned so many ways in which the world is deliberately fucked up.
Good Things
The media was my anchor. It's amazing how many great shows there were, even though the best ones were also the hardest. But I feel like The Morning Show, The Crown or Dear Black People are on a whole new level of storytelling with their complexity and nuance. NEWS has been a very welcome constant for another year. With all the shit that went down this year, especially in Korean pop scene, I'm just glad I can still enjoy it carelessly. There were also several new ships that brought the simple and now almost guiltless joy. My writing has also been very therapeutic. I wrote 4 stories, each of which has been very challenging on its own. Thus, short as it was Follow suit was the first fic in years I wrote for a new pairing and a completely new dynamic, while Mission attempted an engaging action story. Masquerade served as a classy sexual feast with extended depictions that have always been hard for me and Incubus ended up going deep into the dark crevices of my soul. This year I also felt a strange urge to revive my French side. I have buried it years ago but this year for some reason it came it in music and books. It felt like finding something lost. I kind of rediscovered Make-up and with it my need for self-care. Finally, there were new allies, people who were kind to me and very supportive and you can never take it for granted.
I must be forgetting something, but I don't care at this point. More than ever, I feel ready to move on and turn the page.
New Things
This was a year of new things - a new credit card, new flashdrive, new player, new camera, and a mostly new PC with a new Windows. There were also two new dolls that I love dearly and a ton of doll clothes. I got a new chair and rearranged my desk with new organizers and a mirror. And then there's all the make-up that I replaced. Getting rid of old things and letting things go is also important to make space and I let go of a lot.
Difficult Things
There was a lot of pain and disappointment, in many different ways. Whether it was people, things or the world in general. I let go of a fairly good work offer. At least the highest salary I was offered up to date, though I do think I deserve so much more. I might not seem ambitions but I am. I have a huge ambition of supporting myself with a job that doesn't make me hate myself. The last month has been the hardest for no apparent reason and that scared me more than any hardship. I am a little better now, but still unstable and have mood swings. I also felt more alone than I have felt in a long time.
I was thoroughly disappointed in one of the persons I was very fond of. I experienced a collapse and eventual recovery of a relationship that meant a lot to me. It was very hard to make the decision of whether to carry on or cut it off and honestly I am still unsure about it. Even though we made up it was never the same, partly because I emotionally moved on and partly because they never have time for me and that really undermines the whole relationship. It's not like they don't care, they just don't care enough. The same goes for pretty much everyone else I'm involved with. Honestly, I am so tired of not being important enough and I guess that's another one of the great elephants supporting my depression. And then of course there's just the general fact: increasing knowledge is increasing grief. I learned so many ways in which the world is deliberately fucked up.
Good Things
The media was my anchor. It's amazing how many great shows there were, even though the best ones were also the hardest. But I feel like The Morning Show, The Crown or Dear Black People are on a whole new level of storytelling with their complexity and nuance. NEWS has been a very welcome constant for another year. With all the shit that went down this year, especially in Korean pop scene, I'm just glad I can still enjoy it carelessly. There were also several new ships that brought the simple and now almost guiltless joy. My writing has also been very therapeutic. I wrote 4 stories, each of which has been very challenging on its own. Thus, short as it was Follow suit was the first fic in years I wrote for a new pairing and a completely new dynamic, while Mission attempted an engaging action story. Masquerade served as a classy sexual feast with extended depictions that have always been hard for me and Incubus ended up going deep into the dark crevices of my soul. This year I also felt a strange urge to revive my French side. I have buried it years ago but this year for some reason it came it in music and books. It felt like finding something lost. I kind of rediscovered Make-up and with it my need for self-care. Finally, there were new allies, people who were kind to me and very supportive and you can never take it for granted.
I must be forgetting something, but I don't care at this point. More than ever, I feel ready to move on and turn the page.