I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I don't even know what to do with his diary. It's clearly obsolete and yet I can't let go of it. I don't write anything personal on tumblr and Twiter is a joke so I guess here is a place to say the things I feel like saying. Which is not much lately. I used to want to write about everything, every album and concert and every random idea but lately I can't be bothered. But since I'm writing this anyway, I might as well.
February sucked a lot and March started out terribly. I am sort of busy with job but the truth is this isn't why I haven't posted anything lately. In fact, when I got a job I thought it was a good timing since I didn't feel like doing anything either way. I have one of those terrible periods where I can't seem to care about anything, my only distinct emotion being dread. I've been generally unemotional for months now but these past few weeks it got much worse. I wasn't ready for it. I didn't know how to deal with it. I mean even at my worst, even when I was crushed I had my music and my fandoms to pick me up but now I can't even care about that. I've watched some things, of course, and I mildly enjoyed them but I couldn't be bothered to post anything and for me that is abnormal. Over the last several years I've realized the me I knew could change in many ways and still remain me. I've changed my habits, my tastes and my patters. But I am not really to lose my excitement. People say bands keep them going, bands save them and stuff. For me it was never the bands, or the series. Not really. It was my excitability. The way I could get happy about small things, the way I could get passionate about things. If I lose that, I don't know how I shall go on.
I truly hope it's just a phase, that it's a Spring depression. Today it was sunny for a while and I got a little bit of energy to do something. I felt strong. I seemed to feel some slight joy stirring somewhere deep beneath the surface. But now it's gone. It doesn't help that the job is stressful as hell. You'd think being indifferent would disable you to get stressed but somehow it doesn't. I mean some bad things pass me by but so do good things. I get annoyed a lot. At things, at people, at my body that refuses to cooperate. I just want to want things again. I just want to feel something other that pain and anger.
Before I always found refuge in the fandom. Images, videos, writing and discussing. Now I look at my stories and it seems surreal I wrote them. I really am unsure I can do that again. I took a step back from the fandom hoping it would pull me back in but so far its not really trying and the more time passes the harder it would be to come back.
February sucked a lot and March started out terribly. I am sort of busy with job but the truth is this isn't why I haven't posted anything lately. In fact, when I got a job I thought it was a good timing since I didn't feel like doing anything either way. I have one of those terrible periods where I can't seem to care about anything, my only distinct emotion being dread. I've been generally unemotional for months now but these past few weeks it got much worse. I wasn't ready for it. I didn't know how to deal with it. I mean even at my worst, even when I was crushed I had my music and my fandoms to pick me up but now I can't even care about that. I've watched some things, of course, and I mildly enjoyed them but I couldn't be bothered to post anything and for me that is abnormal. Over the last several years I've realized the me I knew could change in many ways and still remain me. I've changed my habits, my tastes and my patters. But I am not really to lose my excitement. People say bands keep them going, bands save them and stuff. For me it was never the bands, or the series. Not really. It was my excitability. The way I could get happy about small things, the way I could get passionate about things. If I lose that, I don't know how I shall go on.
I truly hope it's just a phase, that it's a Spring depression. Today it was sunny for a while and I got a little bit of energy to do something. I felt strong. I seemed to feel some slight joy stirring somewhere deep beneath the surface. But now it's gone. It doesn't help that the job is stressful as hell. You'd think being indifferent would disable you to get stressed but somehow it doesn't. I mean some bad things pass me by but so do good things. I get annoyed a lot. At things, at people, at my body that refuses to cooperate. I just want to want things again. I just want to feel something other that pain and anger.
Before I always found refuge in the fandom. Images, videos, writing and discussing. Now I look at my stories and it seems surreal I wrote them. I really am unsure I can do that again. I took a step back from the fandom hoping it would pull me back in but so far its not really trying and the more time passes the harder it would be to come back.