UnREAL

I thought I'd seen every single TV show that isn't violent or creepy. But recently I discovered UnREAL. It's really good and while non-graphic, really dark and creepy just because it shows how ugly and manipulative people can be, highlights the darkest corners of human soul.

Above all, it's good writing and good characters, which I value the most. Everyone has their own agenda and everyone's full of shit. Despite the fact that it's based around a show focused on love and there's a lot of romance and sex in it, the show's central relationship is two strong and very fucked up women. The plot is so twisted at times it scares you but it's worth it.

Of course, there are some things I have a problem with. Like, the way 3 people die on the show and police doesn't even investigate or interrogate the witnesses. I get the bribes but that is too much. Also some character development is all over the place, except for Quinn, she's consistent and flawless. Chet turning from a giant douche to a loving hubby? Jay being a real bitch in S1 and then suddenly becoming goody-goody. And of course there's Rachel who remains a great character throughout 3 seasons, where you want to both punch and hug her, her internal struggle is very intense. But Season 4 was very disappointing with Rachel losing all trace of likeability and the plot really going off the rails. Still, the ending almost made up for it.

I was surprised that the show wasn't sued by The Bachelor for libel or something. That there wasn't an uproar from the Bachelor fans. But I guess it's not that people don't know the show is a fake, it's that they want to be fooled.

www.flare.com/celebrity/entertainment/10-truth-...

@темы: series

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I kept wondering why I am so reluctant to let go of Tegoshi as a character but the bottom line is - he's the most interesting character I ever wrote. Tonight I realized that some of my favourite characters are a lot like him - devilishly attractive but also extremely messy and problematic. Brian Kinney, Joe MacMillan, Rachel Goldberg - all of them are as irresistible as they are fucked up. They are very complicated and so are their relationships. That's the kind of people you should avoid in life but can't take your eyes off on the screen.

@темы: musings, Tegoshi Yuya

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It's been 7 years since I fled the Alice Nine fandom, soon to join the NEWS one. I remember it well, it was September. I had a nasty flashback the other day as the angry mobs of Tegoshi worshipers wanted to burn me at the stake. And the most disappointing thing about it was not the way people treat me after everything I've done for the fandom, not even the nasty hateful comments themselves. In a way, I'm surprised they only came now because there were none after the essays I posted. The thing that really upset me was that even though I knew it didn't matter, it still got to me. Even after all these years, I reacted to it the same way as I did 7 years ago. It felt like an almost physical hit. And no matter how much I try, in the end I am a human and I can't just brush it off. God, people suck.

@музыка: Jørck - As We Are Changing

@темы: myself, fandom

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The Avalanche and the Fallout

I’ve been trying to avoid news related to Tegoshi but it’s hard. Every time I feel like I am finally beginning to move on, a new bomb goes off. Here I thought I already hit a rock bottom of disappointment and resentment but now it is clear there's still a long way down...

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There were two things that fascinated me about Tegoshi: his beauty and his strength. But in the end, it's not what you were born with, it's what you do with it that matters. And man, did he blew it. He’s always been an attention whore but now he’s taken it to a new level.

He has a photo essay book coming out in a few days. It’s called ‘Avalanche’ although rather than snow, I envision an avalanche of shit rolling down the mountain. Just for 1,760 yen you can have his nudes, as well as his profound thoughts on... basically every celebrity he ever came in contact with, including but not limited to NEWS, Tegomass, Arashi, SMAP, King&Prince, SnowMan, Takizawa Hideaki, Yamashita Tomohisa, Akanishi Jin, Nishikido Ryo, Johnny Kitagawa, ItteQ cast and of course the girls he dated. The newspaper promo teased the book’s revelations and mentioned "a bond with the members". The word 'kizuna' is now ruined for me. But wait, there’s more! A bonus of: handwritten notes to NEWS members! I’m sure they’ll love it. A premium video of a virtual date where he hugs the viewer and pats their head. T-shirts! Signed copies! Fansign tickets! Maybe there’s also a ticket to kiss his ass?

I knew about it for about a week but I had to make sure it was real as it wasn’t properly advertised on his official channels and got sneakily teased with Amazon pre-order and then removed. I had little hope though. At this point it’s clear there’s nothing he wouldn’t do to get attention. Maybe it should not come as a surprise from someone who said they entered Johnnys to make girls scream and yet...

Under the anger I feel a strong 'zannen'. He has talent and drive, he could achieve so much but all he's doing is selling himself cheaply, fulfilling the sole ambition of becoming a top media whore.

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So, last time I commented on Tegoshi’s tell-all book and now it’s released and the damage is done. Such an appropriate name seeing as avalanches are sudden and destroy everything in their path. As I read the book and the related news, I struggled with both the need to convey how I felt and stop giving him so much time and attention. Sure enough, I ended up with a long review/analysis/bitching post.

Facts first. The book released on Aug 5 was originally supposed to run 10,000 copies but they reportedly increased it to 50,000 due to high demand. Tegoshi also held a press-conference to talk about it on release day. It ended up being one of the best-selling books on Amazon and top seller in Entertainment.

It’s hard to talk about the book briefly. It’s 270 pages long and I had absolutely no intention to read it all but still ended up reading a good deal and words just kept pouring out of me. I could not imagine how much this book would fuck me up. I knew it would be bad but honestly I was shocked about the publication because it’s both incredibly cruel to so many people and incredibly stupid as it’s going to severely damage his reputation and future career.

I won’t even try to pretend to be objective because there’s nothing objective about the book itself. It’s a book of unsolicited opinions. If there’s one word I’d to describe it it’s ‘delusional’. Every chapter reeks of vanity and a sense of superiority as he judges every single celebrity he came in contact with and gives plenty of advice. It's a mess of careless words hastily and haphazardly thrown together in an attempt to let the world know the Real Tegoshi.

Of course, that's not how he sees it. He mentions the likes of Steve Jobs and Bill Gates saying their books give people motivation and inspiration and he wanted to do the same. Bitch, you haven't done anything to get you on that level yet.

There’s a video on his channel where he goes to the publisher to talk about the book and while he says about sending an inspirational message, the publisher only wants him to talk about Yukirin and other juicy gossip. And it’s not like poor Tegoshi was tricked into it, he readily agreed to it and he knew full well what he was doing. The book’s cover does not advertise life advice, it advertises celebrity gossip. Also nudes, which by the way, turned out to be mere topless shots. Add false advertising to the list of offenses. He really gave Bunsun a run for their money discussing half his scandals and even adding some extra. He keeps saying he only wants to clear up the rumours but somehow ends up saying things that make absolutely no difference or even make him look worse. It's like if Bunshun said "Tegoshi was partying with 5 younger women, ran around naked and then passed out drunk" and Tegoshi would be like "That's not true! There were 4 women!"

He also said he absolutely could not hide how he truly felt. And that seems to make sense except it’s one thing to just be honest and reveal some of your relevant thoughts in a carefully worded manner. But this is another thing entirely. It’s some kind of emotional exhibitionism, a compulsory desire to share his every thought and opinion on everything and everyone. Dear, there is middle ground between hiding how you really feel and giving your every single opinion. That doesn't make you honest. It makes you an asshole.

The book is divided into small chapters and most are about NEWS, past and present members and related topics, as well as most other JE artists. Some chapters are about the women he had or did not have relations with. Some are about the people he admires and his delusional plans for the future. Only a small number of chapters do not mention any names and talk about his personal experiences and thoughts.

At this point, I do not even have all the scans but I have more than enough to go off the parts I read. First off, I am now allergic to the word ‘positive’ and the phrase ‘as a man’. What the fuck does that even mean? Also, a lot of the stuff he says in the book is not new in any way and was either said before or known through other sources or rumours. There are hardly any shocking revelations anywhere, at least if you were following him as closely as I have. But hearing all these terrible opinions at once is sure a treat.

Actually, he himself described it as whining and that seems accurate because he does that for a good portion of the book, explaining how unfairly he (and other people) was treated by the industry and the press. There are many stories of hardship and resilience. There’s the good old "I suffered so much when I wasn’t the center of attention for the first time in my life”. There’s the classic “The media spreads lies about me” and other familiar narratives. Also a few tragic stories of unfulfilled love.

And not all of it is horrible. In fact, there are a few parts that I could relate to, such as the terrible way Koyama had been treated when he had to resign from ‘every’, the strange limitations for idols and how excessively strict the rules of Japanese showbiz are. But by telling those stories and complaining about JE and Japan’s entertainment industry, he is not going to make a change. All he accomplished is make things harder for himself. Bringing up the names of many artists, especially those he doesn’t even know personally, and discussing their problems is incredibly rude, intrusive and potentially damaging. Yes, the rules of Japanese entertainment suck but see how much you can achieve going against them.

And I don't like JE and not going to defend it but bitching about JE in particular is unwise for two reasons: One - not only does he owe everything to it, NEWS is still in it and what’s bad for JE is bad for NEWS. Two - JE is very powerful and has immense influence in the industry so making them your enemy when your career barely started may lead to it ending prematurely. In the end, Tegoshi Yuya’s biggest obstacle to fame isn’t JE or media. It’s Tegoshi Yuya.

It is not an autobiography book so it doesn't start with childhood. Which is a pity because I was hoping to get a glimpse of how we got to this point. There are a few clues though.

Perhaps the most important chapters are those connected to his leaving the band, his reasons and motivations and that shit made me livid. He basically says that one day he imagined how awesome his solo career would be and decided he was too good to be in NEWS and the world will fall at his feet at soon as he lets it. He literally says that when he had to stay home because of the Covid-19 pandemic, he realized that God sent him a sign saying “Quickly, leave the agency!”. The pandemic is serendipity. Fuck me.

I honestly expected that the part about NEWS members at least would be nothing but praise but it also left me with very mixed feelings. First, there's a chapter "What I Told the NEWS Members" and it sounds so solemn and inspirational like "Are you sure you didn't copy that from some drama or anime? Because people do not talk like that, especially after being hit with such news." I'd love to hear their side of the story. There's also a chapter calling the members his comrades and expressing his eternal gratitude. But it's pretty clear that's not really for the members, it's to appease the fans.

There are several more chapters about the members specifically. Tegoshi has to be perfectly honest so there’s evaluation of every member, as he positions himself as the best performer by default and tells some stories that he apparently seems to think necessary to share.

For instance, there’s his story of choosing to stay in NEWS in 2011 as he told Koyashige they were miles behind Tegomass and needed to improve their singing and dancing to not drag the band down. Wait, since when can Tegoshi dance? Also the time Massu could not get a certain song right and got unresponsive as Tegoshi kept poking his mistake, so Tegoshi went berserk and thrashed Massu's things.

There is also a whole chapter about Shige and it's so weird as a former biggest Tegoshige shipper. Before I'd be happy for all the praise. Sadly, at this point if Tegoshi praises you too much it's almost a little suspicious. The whole thing is basically Tegoshi deciding that Shige is his top choice as... a man? deciding he makes the best leader and entrusting him the band. "Take care of my NEWS, Kato!" he says at the end. Fuck this shit!

Also, whatever happened to “Shige-chan?” He has made no effort to spend time with Shige out of work. And you know, they used to hang out and go on trips together when they were younger but not in recent years as Tegoshi got 'cooler' friends. I mean, his and Shige's friends probably have a 20+ difference in IQ level but still... He also only read a few of his books and unlike Massu, he does read. Mostly shitty 'how to succeed' types. All of that speaks of remarkable disinterest in Shige's actual life and thoughts.

There are several more chapters regarding NEWS as a band and what he thinks they should do and it makes me furious just talking about it. You lost any right to decide the band's future when you left them high and dry, asshole. He also claims he loves NEWS so so much and even wears the tour T-shirts (impressive!) and sings their songs in karaoke and cries! (poor thing!) On top of that he can't wait to see the STORY tour and go to see it and also broadcast it on his Youtube and do a review.......... I can't with this shit. Let's move on.

He also analyzed former members, basically calling Ryo spineless and saying he and Pi should have left sooner if they had no interest being in the band. And that’s coming from someone who tried to leave what? 4 times at least? Yes. It turns out he wanted to leave the band in 2017, in addition to 2011 and 2013. The way I see it now, 4nin NEWS was a hostage situation where Tegoshi constantly threatened to leave and other members trying to keep him happy and make him stay. He knew he was important and he got away with all kind of shit, both within the band and the agency.

In a similar manner, he takes each JE group and artist and evaluates them - what's good about it and what’s not, who’s popular and capable, what the group needs to do and so on. It’s amazingly condescending. There’s even a whole part about wanting to unite NEWS and KAT-TUN. What the fuck? Who asked you? Go film your ugly wardrobe or something.

I bet Tegoshi is so obsessed with popularity and rankings that he sees numbers over every person's and groups’ heads. Not everything in the world can be ranked and measured in numbers. He also says there are many celebrities who fucked up and acted like divas but are still popular. Way to go! Except it seems you have mistaken the order. You should succeed first, then be a dick. Also bitch, you're not Lady Gaga.

One of the biggest reasons for the anger of fans, at least the Western ones, was the way he talked about the mental issues of the former King & Prince member Iwahashi Genki and SEXY ZONE member Matsushima Sou both of whom had to step back from the industry because of their panic attacks. Even though he intended to encourage them, he expressed a fundamental misunderstanding of how panic attacks work suggesting they just had to cheer up and stay positive.

There's a whole section where he talks about a dozen female celebrities, mostly idols and actresses, dedicating a whole chapter to each. Of course, only to ‘set the record straight’. Because that’s exactly how the rumours work, you know. Particularly old ones. You tell the whole story and they go away. It's disgusting. Female artists' whole careers depend on their pure image and being associated with him can easily end it.

He also speaks of the first three girls he dated, which all sound like huge and tragic love stories as he said he loved them so much he considered marrying them but they all actually happened when he was about 16 to 20 years and after turning 20 he hasn't had a single woman that he loved that much.

And then some parts are only about himself and they are things that one should really, really keep to oneself. Nobody needs to know you drink so hard you can’t get it up. The chapter's called "I have no interest in sex" but it should really be called "I have a drinking problem". I couldn’t help but remember the scandalous article that came out in 2017 where one of his 'girl friends' sold the story of their relationship with all unsightly intimate details. I chose to defend him at the time but now I’m not even sure I can blame her. Perhaps it should be viewed as whistle-blower insider info as she warned others of what they may expect. The chapter "I have easily over a 1000 female friends" says he has this many girl contacts all over Japan and overseas but they aren't what you think they are. He only had 10 girls who he considered girlfriends, those he met 1 on 1 with. I guess the rest he just fucked so that doesn't count. Now that I think about it, I feel like 99% of all the Bunshun articles were mostly accurate.

Speaking of which... There's also a chapter where he explains why he cried during Neverland tour and he explains it by the photo with the two cons from 2011. We all know that was just a small part of it and the far bigger reason was people exposing his private messages and leaking intimate photos and stories. So much for the whole truth. Also, he whines about his reputation being hurt by the photo but has a whole chapter praising the man called Horiemon who was imprisoned for securities fraud.

There's another major revelation that shows his character. He mentions several cases where he had hissy fits in the dressing rooms, actually throwing chairs and things. Of course, for important reasons - being frustrated and angry at terrible injustices. Such as Koyama being fired from ‘every’ or him losing some parts in ChumChum after his scandal. Also the fight with Massu back in 2010 when he threw Massu’s things on the floor... It’s horrible as it is but for Massu, knowing he freaks out if you so much as breathe on his things... What a bitch.

There are also some chapters about his delusions of becoming a worldwide phenomenon but he doesn't seem to have a real plan how to achieve it. There are his ideas that are all over the place. There's the bold "Creating a new mold of entertainment" so that's producing. There's Youtube stuff. There's creating a "Tegoshi village" with ex-TOKIO Yamaguchi. He just had to pick the most problematic of his senpai. And there's an actual chapter called "Expanding to China and US Simultaneously”? Also English lessons? That all sounds very impressive, hon, but all you did so far was piggybacking on other people's fame and work. His book sold largely due to scandals and other people's names. He had a solo concert with just his NEWS solos and cover versions. And he just released a video that is an exact replica of his ItteQ segment.

One question is: how is he so confident he'll succeed fast? Well, apart form the usual delusions of grandeur. One reason for his excessive confidence is having friends in high places. At one point he's casually namedropping Abe Shinzo and the First Lady who was supposedly expected to come to the Story tour. Tegoshi said he would invite both of them to his solo concert. Yeah, I'm sure they'll come, nothing controversial about that.

I can’t imagine how it’s going to go from here but I don’t know how anyone would still want to work with him. He fucked over people he worked with for 18 years, people he claims to love, in a heartbeat so what can a new partner expect?

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As expected by literally everyone but Tegoshi, the book made an uproar and not in a good way, with fans and agencies enraged over his words about the artists. There were many articles calling this book 'exposé book', especially focusing on him using the real names of female celebrities. Some newspapers followed up with petty articles. My favourite is an article from Tokyo Sports that specifically dug up a story that was not in the book about the way he adamantly pursued a certain female idol trying to conquer her and culminating in doing a dogeza in front of her but she still rejected him saying "Zettai yada! I will be your girlfriend number what?". Her name is not revealed, which is unfortunate, I'd like to know who that queen is.

Not all feedback was bad, of course. According to this article, many men brought it and enjoyed it. I'm sure they did. Plenty of aspirational douchebags out there. Anyway. Many fans wrote to him long angry and very detailed letters. His social media accounts have been losing followers for the past several weeks.

Perhaps the strangest thing is that he seemed genuinely surprised that instead of praise for his courage and honesty he got anger and disapproval. It wouldn't happen if he got his head out of his ass and literally asked a single one of the people he wrote about what they thought of it.

The feedback must have been very focused as the very next day he wrote a few posts on his Twitter and Instagram indicating his concern over the feedback. On Twitter, he used the word “yacchimatta ka” as in “I messed up, didn’t I?” though stylistically I read it as “whoopsie”. Then there were two Insta stories.

2020/08/06
Ah, I'm a little tired.
I'm also human. (sometimes I whine)

2020/08/06
I don't bother with those who criticize me in whatever they do. But I can't stand to see my fans, whom I treasure like my life, leave. I'm sorry. From now on, I won't whine anymore.

"I whine sometimes?" Really? that's what you call a 272 pages tell-all book? Also "I won't whine anymore"?? You think pulling off shit like that and then saying "whoopsie" is enough? It got quiet for a few days and on Aug 10 there was the apology video, which was named "This is my first and last whining". Doubt it. He uses the word ‘弱音’ which has a somewhat vague meaning, using it in an apology video in that context is confusing. Why not call apology as it is? That seems like another politician’s technique.

The apology was impressive in a way. At least it was not a blanket apology, he (or his employees) correctly identified what exactly people were mad about. He said he was really sorry for hurting his fans and causing trouble to people he wrote about. He said he understood that he doesn't have to reveal everything. He also said that he felt the love behind the anger, that fans wrote to him because they cared and were disappointed. Also said he realized that he was protected till now. It was all pretty good right until the very end when he gave a loud 'TEI!' effectively ruining the effect.

Of course, it was good that he did that but I still don't think it even began to make up for all the shit he wrote. The apology would be an adequate step after a shitty Tweet, not a fucking book. Also, I feel like more than anything he just got scared of losing his fans, maybe even sorry for hurting their feelings but not really sorry for what he did. He has no plans to change his behaviour. He wants to be at his 100% assholeness and still be adored.

Of course thousands of merciful women turned to his defence because he looked 'so sad' and even 'thinner'. That's right! He's the real victim here. Must be terrible to hear such hard criticism for the things you actually said and did.

By now I'm barely even angry anymore and a part of me feels sorry for Tegoshi. He's like a dumb spoiled child who wreaks havoc. But I have to remind myself I should not feel sorry. He is in fact an adult man of 32 who is so used he always gets his way that even a minor opposition is viewed by him as a violation of his freedom. And his charm is the very reason he always got away with all the shit he did in life up to this point. I bet he is getting a lot of hate mail and I hope his positivity prepared him for it. I remember him calling Koyama in the middle of the night to come and comfort him while he cried. Also calling Shige to come only to fall asleep in his lap. Now he's on his own. God, right now I just really wish Tegoshi would send himself to the corner and thought about what he's done. Just step aside and shut up for 5 minutes.

But he isn't gonna do it. Of course not. He had a solo concert today and is doing Youtube videos and moving even faster so that people forget about the book.

But fans never will. I can't even say if the book changed my perception or just unveiled what I knew was there all along. For years I've been discarding and questioning all the bad rumours and stories telling myself "He didn't mean it" or "That can't be true" but now it all comes together like pieces of a puzzle, and there's no need to guess anymore because he's shouting "Oh yes I fucking did and I'll do it again!"

All in all, the book paints a picture of a man who is anything but Prince Charming. It chips away any remaining illusions of a 'perfect idol' showing someone who is vain, petty, and chauvinistic. Someone who is obsessed with status and popularity so much that he is willing to sacrifice everything for it and thinks it doesn't matter how bad your reputation is as long as you succeed. Someone who is the very epitome of toxic masculinity, drinks himself to oblivion and treats women like toys. And yet, somehow, I still find myself having to fight the strong urge deep inside of me that makes me want to like him.

@темы: Tegoshi Yuya

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Things People Want

I knew about Paul's work for years but somehow it was only the other day I clicked on a suggested youtube video. Interestingly, I later downloaded the album but the song was the only one that really stuck with me. It's a good album but of course not as good as Mansun stuff. I also did a little history trip and read about the disbandment and it's another sad story of people unable to get along. And maybe it was the time to wrap things up ad Chad seems happy but it didn't have to be so messy and it seems like they never reconciled to this day. The song titles like Friends Make the Worst Enemies, You Don't Really Know Someone, Til You Fall out with Them and Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid suggest there might be a pattern.

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Mass Effect 3

I finally finished the last game in the series and I have a lot to say.

The installation alone was an adventure. It took me probably 4 repacks and about 7 installations to get it right. I could go with the first one but I was set on installing ALOT textures and it took awhile to find a repack where they work. But that wasn't the end of my struggle as I realized the ME3 changed the character import system and now my Shephard looked like a potato. I did a pretty good job at facial reconstruction but she ended up looking 10 years younger. Still handsome as fuck though, I made hundreds of screens and I regret nothing.

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All 3 games are good in their own right. They all bring something new, keep you interested, all the while being consistent. There is a popular opinion, however, that the second game is the best and I think I would agree, both in terms of gameplay and the characters. At first, I didn't think so but slowly I discovered more and more flaws. But first I want to talk about the good aspects.

The storyline in the series is quite strong. I mean, it's not entirely original but it's solid and coherent. Looking back to the first game, the plot still holds, which is rare. I think the third game is just as good in term so of wrapping up all the plotlines. The lore is also very impressive. Unlike fantasy genre that somehow all bases on Tolkien, sci-fi has no unified lore and that poses a major challenge. Sure, there are many issues to be found in the game as in any sci-fi universe, but it is better than most movies I've seen. The alien races have distinct history, culture, physiology and diplomacy that you slowly learn over the course of the games.

The RPG immersion is amazing. It's different from Planescape, with many choices having big consequences on other characters and their species rather than the main character. You decide the fate of the whole universe and all its races. Even more than the plot, I love the many moral choices the game presents. You have to make sacrifices at every turn. Sometimes it's just individuals and sometimes it's planets or whole species.

I like the idea of Paragon/Renegade system though it has some drawbacks. It took me some time to figure out how it works but it's interesting. You are a hero by default but you get to decide what kind of hero, and it's a scale. I act on my judgement in most cases. There are times to be merciful and times to be merciless. However, I end up somewhere in between and thus cut off from top power options. You also may easily miss the power options that happen in the middle of long cutscenes.

The characters are many. You like some, hate others but they are all diverse and distinct. ME3 cast felt considerably weaker to me and some characters like James just annoyed the hell out of me. Personally though, I feel like the characters could be a lot more interesting, there's no limitation to what you can do with them. The voiceover is excellent though. In terms of romance, I picked Ashey as my girl and stuck with her but I found her character development pretty lacking in the end. Also, I didn't realize that since that romance was modded, I would not be getting the two bed scenes and that is pretty offensive.

Now for the issues. In the third game, one of the main issues is that there is too much plot, often with several minutes of scenes following one another that you can't control. I get there are many plotlines to deal with but it often feels you can't do anything, merely observing the events. So scenes that happen after major boss battles may happen spontaneously and you may blink and miss an important moment to act.

Another issue is the fact that I failed some quests because I did not realize other events would make them undoable. I know that is how life is, but in game it would be nice to have at least a hint that would tell you you might not be able to return to a place. Because of that Citadel attack I lost Jack and I completely missed that quest with Kasumi.

There are also some glitchy interfaces that make it very hard to use the powers in the middle of important fights and some vaguely formulated and incorrectly displayed quests.

My Shephard is great and the voiceover is simply amazing but I still feel like the female version was an afterthought, it shows through in the dynamics with other characters. Even the way she runs seems like she has heavy nuts in the way. At least making Shephard female added something interesting to the character. The default male is just another badass white male protagonist with a square face.

Then there's of course, the boob factor. The sexualization of most species' females. Most other races have exactly the same body type and boobs. The asari also have perfectly Caucasian faces, lips and lashes and everything. And robots. Much of it is ironic sexism but that's still annoying. The Jeff/EDI romantic subplot made me cringe very hard. It's hard to be a feminist and enjoy literally any piece of media.

One of the 3rd game's main features is uniting the galaxy for the final fight. And I liked that but I didn't really know what the maximum possible score is and how it will determine the outcomes. I only missed a few missions, and apparently I have the extended cut so thankfully I was able to get top score. However, I did not know for sure and the ending choices are fucking tricky as it's absolutely unclear what you need to do to make the choice. So I had no idea what I even signed up for before the end sequence.

The endings left me with very mixed feelings. I mean, the whole catalyst thing was fairly predictable. Meeting a higher being, learning the higher truth and having to make a very hard decision is pretty typical sci-fi. However, the options were less obvious. At first I accidentally chose merging, which is a stupid option that shouldn't even been there at all. It's like the writers just gave up by the end. That kinda ruined it for me. The next day I redid the engame and was able to pick destruction and it felt right. I did cry anyway. I was convinced Shapard died and frankly it felt consistent with the story but the last scene suggested she somehow lived. That bitch is a survivor.

Overall, despite some drawbacks, ME is a very good series with some of the best plots and richest lore out there. However, the ending is what cements your impression and I think the confusion and disappointment at failing to get a good closure ruined it for many players.

@музыка: Niki Haris - The One

@темы: Games

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I took down a photo frame with a shop photo of NEWS from 10ve. I think it was my first NEWS item, I won it from SG Paanas for my 10ve review, I think, just as I joined the fandom. However, the image was actually not in the frame but covering an older photo of JYJ that I printed out myself in 2010. Then I remembered. The frame was a gift from (former) friends and initially hosted a 5nin TVXQ. Man, I really need to quit this boy band business. It ain’t playing out well. The cultural level is too thick. Is the frame cursed? At any rate, I’ll just put it away for now. There’s nothing and noone I feel like framing.

@темы: musings, NEWS., fandom

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?人 NEWS

It was a long time coming. The rumours were lurking around for years and a month ago they bloomed. And yet, the full realization is yet to dawn on me. When something devastating happens, our mind tends to shake off the pain by either exonerating the beloved person who hurt us, or blaming them and distancing away from them. It's really hard to stay objective. But I'll try.

Coming into this fandom, I prepared myself for disappointment. Once I was a TVXQ fan. You know, the 5-nin TVXQ that was going to be "together forever" and all that. So I wowed never to get that invested in a pop band. When NEWS came along, I tried not to get too attached. I knew it would hurt me, sooner of later. And for awhile, it worked. But, as years went by, I knew I lost the battle. We humans need to cling to something. Thus, nearly 7 years have passed.

To me, Tegoshi has always been a key component. He was the one that led me to NEWS. Or rather, how pretty he looked in a dress. Tegoshi always kept me interested. Sometimes he excited, sometimes he annoyed, but he was never ever boring. He was made of contradictions, both in words and in actions. Nothing ever adds up with him. He made me want to understand him but I could never quite grasp it. Thinking about it now, perhaps it was because he doesn't really understand himself either.

In these years, I had several crisis points where I considered leaving the fandom, all caused by something shitty Tegoshi said or did. But every time I bounced back. Of course, I didn't do it for him. I did it for myself. However, his selfishness has always been offset by his kindness. The last time was him crying at the end of Neverland tour and how sorry he looked. Till the end, I wanted to believe that his common sense and loyalty won't let him do something reckless and stupid. Yet, here we are. The interview he gave to Bunshun led me to believe that he would do the right thing. He said he would show his gratitude to JE and would definitely make his fans happy but now it's the furthest thing from the truth. The fandom is disappointed, confused, angry.

Some people say to get over it, that Tegoshi was meant to leave or some shit. But I think those people fundamentally misunderstand the heart of the problem. It's not that he left that infuriated the fandom. It's how and when he left. Most fans would support his decision to leave if the transition was done properly. He owed us that much. A proper apology. A proper gratitude. A proper farewell. The announcement had me in disbelief. I expected him to at least finish the contract, do the Story Tour, no matter how long it takes, and show the members, staff and the fans the respect they deserve. To cut it short feels like a violation. At the very least, we need a closure. The last goodbye. The last concert. The last something. He just left JE after 17 years like it was nothing.

More than anything, what he did seems so stupid. He had it so fucking good. He was always in the spotlight, both on stage and in TV shows. The other members did most of the offscreen work allowing him to shine. He was supported by endlessly patient members and staff. He had the freedom to choose and all the work he wanted for each of his passions - ItteQ, Soccer Earth, OpenRec. And he had fans that always supported him, no matter how many scandals he had.

What was so important that he had to give up on all the amazing benefits he had? To betray all this trust? And on top of it, at a time like this? When all world is going through so much shit? When the fans need moral support more than ever? What were the "dreams" that he talked about?

The ability to rant on Twitter? Making duckface selfies? Fucking around? Assembling a shitty rock band? Performing with strippers? Some kind of unique business opportunity? He talked for years about wanting to perform overseas or hosting fan events but right now these things are offlimit anyway. Why couldn't he at the very least explain his decision properly? Just that alone will definitely hurt his further career in the long run. The press-conference lasted 2 hours but it answered none of the questions that really mattered and there was no remorse. Though at this point, I can't trust anything he says anyway. He created his Twitter account the the evening it all went down and didn't bother explaining himself. He just jumped off the ship and let other people deal with the damage.

Even now, it all seems like some kind of bad dream. Then again, all of the 2020 does.

When I first saw "手越退社" trending on Twitter back in May I felt like I was spinning into a downward spiral, like all air was sucked out of me. And it wasn't the "oh, no! what will the band do?" I never went to a NEWS concert and never brought any merch. To me, it wasn't really the feelings of a fan whose band faces a crisis but rather that of
an entrepreneur who invested too much money into one asset and watched it plummet.

Fandom stuff is a currency that can devalue in a blink of an eye. Its valuable as long as its core message is intact. This is why I can't stand people being petty over scans or videos. I share when I can knowing it will make someone happy because I know that tomorrow that someone might move on. When I stumble upon old closed journals with password-protected downloads they feel like ancient abandoned temples. The treasures in them turned to dust.

4nin NEWS were based on unity, the combination of 4 unique characters. Four components, each of them essential. Now that concept failed. It's like standing in front of a collapsed building. I try to assess the damage. How much of it can I salvage? Repurpose? How much is lost and needs to be cleaned up? Should I even bother?

What do I do with hundreds of live performances and TV shows, in HD, lovingly downloaded and stored?

What to make of thousands of scans, magazines, pamphlets, almost each image edited and sorted? Thousands more stored neatly in folders, waiting to be posted. Countless screens and gifs.

What of the member ai fanvideos that gained over 100k on Youtube bringing joy to so many people? I already got the first heartbroken comment saying "we won't ever see them like that again, will we?"

What to make of my unfinished stories? Honestly, it's one of the things I'm most proud in my entire life. Now their future is uncertain.

Do I take down the poster on my wall? The CDs on my shelf? Soon I will have to looks at my enormous stash and decide for each item. Things that once brought joy now cause pain.

NEWS weren't selling music, they were selling ideas and dreams. The cute band photos now cause hurt and anger. The uplifting songs about unity won't be convincing. All the concerts lost their charm.

Am I being too dramatic? Probably. Perhaps the issue itself may seem trivial to an outsider but our grief is real.

Tegoshi keeps saying he loves NEWS and adores the members. But to me, loving is doing everything you can to avoid hurting the ones you love. Perhaps he means it, but that love will never compare to the love he has for himself. Despite what he says, I doubt we'll even see them together again and I'm not even sure I want to. I knew apart from Koyashige, the members aren't really that close personally. Tegoshi is shallow and seeks popularity more than anything. I'm sure than now he'll hang out with even shadier characters than before. The members used to provide him with the much needed tough love. Now, with nothing and noone holding him back, he'll give in to his overblown ego.

I'm not sure how I feel about NEWS continuing as 3. I mean, I support their decision and that's probably what most fans want but to me, I don't know if it'll work out that well. They were already a band with a lot of luggage and now, just like in 2011, they are a band that induces pity. They would have to rearrange so much to try and fill this huge gaping hole. Not to mention they will struggle vocally. No songs, no choreography can be unaltered. It might be better to go on within the agency doing their own things. But then that would just mean Tegoshi was indispensable and all the work they put in will be wasted. The Story must be competed.

In the past week I went through various stages of grief. The anger was strong and so was disbelief. Now it's finally subsiding, giving way to acceptance. It won't come soon but I'll let all the emotions run their course. The fact is Tegoshi remains very entertaining and the temptation to keep following him and rant about him is strong. I probably wouldn't even fight it if he were to leave with at least a shred of dignity. But with the way things are, I refuse to support him in any way. And I will at least try to phase him out as much as I can as I realize that even my anger is playing into his hands as he wants nothing more than attention, good or bad. Instead, I'll try to focus on those who do deserve support.

I'm not yet sure how to proceed with the blog and everything else but I'll take my time and figure it out. The truth is Tegoshi was one of the two major things that have kept me here for so long. And no, the second reason is not Shige. It's the people. Out of all the fandoms I've been in over the years this one really felt like home. I met so many amazing people here, even though many of them have since moved on. I felt accepted and appreciated.

This week has been an emotional roller-coaster. But today I feel fine. I have a dozen reasons to be depressed. But I'm not miserable right now because of the fandom. I've had about 10 people write to me within several days. Some of them I haven't talked to in months, some I've never talked to before, and some from other fandoms. They reached out to share their thoughts and feelings, and I appreciate it so much. I felt less alone. I felt a sense of solidarity, a sisterhood. Many agreed with me and it was touching but even more touching were the people who didn't necessarily agree with me and still wanted to hear what I had to say.

Perhaps it's patronizing but I feel like right now the best I can do is stay connected and go through this together. If I can help others, through informing, making someone smile, or supporting emotionally, it's all worth it.

@темы: fandom, Tegoshi Yuya

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Submarine

I've finally watched it. So refreshing, yet somehow so familiar. It feels like a bit of a callout. Except that I followed this formula of an intellectual kid that was set out for young males. It took time to realize that I don't give a fuck about French movies or modern art, or radical politics. But in terms of struggling to find my role, a use for my mind, it feels true.

But that's all a digression. I loved the movie. The cinematography of it is brilliant and it deserves so much more attention. But then I'm still a snob in that I don't like to like things that get a lot of attention.

@музыка: Garbage - Only Happy When It rains

@темы: movies

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Stand Up & Comedy

A few years ago I thought stand up was kinda stupid. The stuff I've seen was very random and often vulgar. But now I know stand up can be anything - silly, smart, absurd, even existential. So here's my top 10 comedians as of today.

John Oliver - John is where it started. Intelligent, humble and never missing an opportunity to take a piss out of himself.
Trevor Noah - saw as much as 5 of his shows and I do have some issues with the older ones but on the Daily Show Trevor is intelligent and very worldly, he has his own take on everything. Also his accent ability is out of this world.
Hasan Minhaj - fun and charismatic, his Netflix show is an emotional journey.
John Mulaney - A tall child who fell out of the 50's, John has a distinct voice and style that's quirky and funny
Richard Ayoade - I only ever saw one short stand-up from like 20 years ago but he's brilliant and probably most witty man alive
Roy Wood Jr. - Only one stand-up but some parts got me crying with laughter.
Jordan Klepper - A master interviewer and a pro in sarcasm who can make people his accomplices without them realizing.
Chris Fleming - best known for Gayle, Chris is a gem of wit and physical comedy.
Russell Howard - Russell is very working-class and very Brit but he is also very reasonable and funny
James Acaster -He is less of a comedian and more of a philosopher. His absurd, existential shows are art. Incredible vision and wit, he is a hidden gem.
Dylan Moran - an Irish comedian and probably one of the funniest men on Earth. A lot of his humour is about relationships and women and yet amazingly I find none of it offensive and all of it funny.
Matteo Lane - a naturally hilarious and absolutely fabulous man. Has an opera-grade singing voice and a savage humour.
Bo Burnham - He's the Shit. Man, there's no way to describe him in a few words. He's 10 levels deep and an ocean wide. And his songs are living in my mind rent-free.

This list is really missing the ladies. Honorable mention to Sam Bee who is a great host and badass mum and Desi Lydic whose awkward skits are amazingly bold. Still looking for solid female stand-up. I saw good bits from Dulcé Sloan and Natasha Leggero but I'm yet to find full shows so we'll see.

@темы: list

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I have a theory, you see: If things can go incredibly wrong, they can also go incredibly right. Not in the grand scheme of things, I'm not that blindly optimistic. I mean a strange wonderful coincidence.

Today was a really hard day of a really hard week. But also a sudden ray of light shined on me. Someone I have deeply admired for years smiled at me. I did not expect it, really. But I felt like for all the times he made me smile I should try to do the same. A shameless compliment, one he really deserved was sent and received through the mysterious wires. Why he chose to read that particular one of all those he got - I do not know. It felt like a miracle, a blessing of a deity. This time, I met him not in a dream. And he smiled, smiled at me and because of me.

@темы: Shou, musings, snapshot

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You'd think you have enough shit to deal with just about now without fucking Chernobyl burning and your city being unbreathable. For fuck's sake.

The last several years have been crazy enough, now I feel like I'm in a bad modernist novel. Aliens could invade tomorrow and I wouldn't even blink.

But I'm invincible. I'm a woman with PMS in a middle of pandemic and an ecological disaster. I can strangle a bear with my bare hands if I have to.

@темы: myself, musings, the world was never sane

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In the Morgan manuscript, Wilde’s hand flows confidently, as if taking dictation, but the appearance of fluency may be deceptive: the autograph is probably a copy of an earlier draft that has disappeared. Although Wilde is celebrated as the greatest natural talker of modern times, he edited his prose meticulously. The opening paragraphs, describing Basil’s studio, are a masterpiece of precise evocation, and Wilde’s handwritten changes sharpen the imagery yet more. In a passage that compares the “dim roar of London” to the “bourdon note of an organ,” Wilde inserts the word “distant” before “organ,” adding a twinge of far-off religious dread.

At the same time, Wilde’s revisions to the opening dialogue between Basil and Lord Henry betray a rising anxiety, an urge to lower the emotional temperature. Exclamations over Dorian’s beauty give way to more reserved remarks about his “good looks” and “personality.” “Passion” becomes “feeling,” “pain” becomes “perplexity.” Wilde’s pen stops Basil from mentioning the time Dorian brushed against his cheek and from announcing that “the world becomes young to me when I hold his hand.” And when Basil explains why he is withholding the painting from London gallery-goers he is prevented from saying that “where there is really love, they would see something evil, and where there is spiritual passion they would suggest something vile.” Tellingly, Wilde removes intimations of a prior attachment between Basil and Lord Henry. He deletes a description of Basil “taking hold of [Lord Henry’s] hand.” One passage is so heavily scratched out as to be almost illegible, but in it Lord Henry seems to berate Basil for having become Dorian’s “slave,” and then blurts out, “I hate Dorian Gray.” In the end, Wilde cancels any hint of jealousy and gives Lord Henry the mask of an amused aesthete: “Basil, this is quite wonderful! I must see Dorian Gray.”

Even before Wilde sent his manuscript to the typist, then, he was hesitating over its homoerotic content, and especially over the pages devoted to Basil’s desire. The focus on Basil is not surprising, given that Wilde later declared, “Basil Hallward is what I think I am: Lord Henry what the world thinks me: Dorian what I would like to be—in other ages, perhaps.”


www.newyorker.com/magazine/2011/08/08/deceptive...

@темы: the eternal debate

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People you haven’t met are easy to idealise, but people who don’t exist are even better. Once you’ve met someone you’re faced with both the uncomfortable realisation that they’re a person and the exhausting prospect of paying attention to what might be unique about them. Invented idols can be controlled.

What happens when we’ve long admired someone for their talent and then find out that despite the fact they excel at darts, they’re socially conservative? How can we go on enjoying the way a person throws miniature arrows at some circular cork now that we diverge politically? And what if we find that people who make art can be terrible, perhaps even criminal? How do we get back the time we wasted enjoying their work before we knew that we wouldn’t have enjoyed it if we’d known? Can we not get some kind of certification of sanctity before we allow ourselves to be moved? Because to be moved by something made by someone who has done something bad would mean that a bad person possesses the capacity to connect to us; that they haven’t, somehow, forfeited their humanity.

Ayoade on Top, Richard Ayoade

@темы: quote/unquote

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Been listening to a lot of Melanie Martinez these days, as I've been trapped in my room. I've had K-12 for a while but didn't really listen to it. The early songs compilation is maybe even better. It's remarkable, her aesthetic is creepy cute - two things I do not like and yet her genius is too compelling to pass.

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Koi no ABO

I am clearly out of touch with the fandom development. Back in the day, when I began to write the worst you could do was write a Mary Sue or Mpreg. First person POV was also a mauvais ton for some reason so I felt very self-conscious when I wrote mine even though I think it turned out great. Yet, now everyone and their mom writes ABO verses. Seriously, how is that even a thing? How the fuck did it become a thing? Apparently, it originated in Supernatural fandom and in less than a decade it spread like a virus and now even the best of writers use it freely. I'm glad the slash fandom came into the light and spread its wings shameless but some things better stay in the shadows.

@темы: fanfix, slash

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thoughts...

Studies say social media makes you more depressed because everyone pretends their life is good and it makes you feel bad in comparison. Well, I know my friends are doing just as bad as me. Yet, somehow it doesn't make me feel good either.

I've had a very depressing 2 months. At some point I thought I'd never feel as shit again but it almost feels like depression evolves alongside you. Even though I learned to manage it, not fall for its traps and avoid being sucked deeper, somehow it feels like it grew bigger to match my skill.

@музыка: Sia - Numb

@темы: myself, musings

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I may or may not have a gentle crush on Richard Ayoade but I guess attractive, cynical intellectuals who act and write books, obsessed with Catcher in the Rye, with a Law degree they never used is not too bad of a pattern.

@темы: musings

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The NY was alright. I have developed a course of shows to watch that's become my own tradition. There's the Big Fat Quiz of the Year, but only if Richard and Noel are there. Then there's the 芸能人格付けチェック! featuring the godlike Gackt. This is my third year watching and Gackt's 62 answer winning streak. Of course, there's also Johnny’s Countdown. The world is a chaotic mess and it is comforting to have something stable you can always count on. The ice caps are melting but you can still tune in for some half-assed “Wa ni natte Odorou!”. I also had a couple of Christmas special SNLs. The only problem was I had to do all the translating but it was worth it.

@темы: snapshot

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2019

Recently it often feels like a year goes by too quickly but not this time. This year dragged on for long enough. Even Summer now feels far away.

New Things

This was a year of new things - a new credit card, new flashdrive, new player, new camera, and a mostly new PC with a new Windows. There were also two new dolls that I love dearly and a ton of doll clothes. I got a new chair and rearranged my desk with new organizers and a mirror. And then there's all the make-up that I replaced. Getting rid of old things and letting things go is also important to make space and I let go of a lot.

Difficult Things

There was a lot of pain and disappointment, in many different ways. Whether it was people, things or the world in general. I let go of a fairly good work offer. At least the highest salary I was offered up to date, though I do think I deserve so much more. I might not seem ambitions but I am. I have a huge ambition of supporting myself with a job that doesn't make me hate myself. The last month has been the hardest for no apparent reason and that scared me more than any hardship. I am a little better now, but still unstable and have mood swings. I also felt more alone than I have felt in a long time.
I was thoroughly disappointed in one of the persons I was very fond of. I experienced a collapse and eventual recovery of a relationship that meant a lot to me. It was very hard to make the decision of whether to carry on or cut it off and honestly I am still unsure about it. Even though we made up it was never the same, partly because I emotionally moved on and partly because they never have time for me and that really undermines the whole relationship. It's not like they don't care, they just don't care enough. The same goes for pretty much everyone else I'm involved with. Honestly, I am so tired of not being important enough and I guess that's another one of the great elephants supporting my depression. And then of course there's just the general fact: increasing knowledge is increasing grief. I learned so many ways in which the world is deliberately fucked up.

Good Things

The media was my anchor. It's amazing how many great shows there were, even though the best ones were also the hardest. But I feel like The Morning Show, The Crown or Dear Black People are on a whole new level of storytelling with their complexity and nuance. NEWS has been a very welcome constant for another year. With all the shit that went down this year, especially in Korean pop scene, I'm just glad I can still enjoy it carelessly. There were also several new ships that brought the simple and now almost guiltless joy. My writing has also been very therapeutic. I wrote 4 stories, each of which has been very challenging on its own. Thus, short as it was Follow suit was the first fic in years I wrote for a new pairing and a completely new dynamic, while Mission attempted an engaging action story. Masquerade served as a classy sexual feast with extended depictions that have always been hard for me and Incubus ended up going deep into the dark crevices of my soul. This year I also felt a strange urge to revive my French side. I have buried it years ago but this year for some reason it came it in music and books. It felt like finding something lost. I kind of rediscovered Make-up and with it my need for self-care. Finally, there were new allies, people who were kind to me and very supportive and you can never take it for granted.

I must be forgetting something, but I don't care at this point. More than ever, I feel ready to move on and turn the page.

@темы: snapshot