It all has come to this. I've been preparing myself for this concert for months even before it was announced and yet, even when I got the files there was something in me resisting. It felt like this might be it. The last one. Watching Worldista on Halloween seemed appropriate. If there's one band that can be classified as undead, it's NEWS.

I don't like the album to begin with and I also disliked the concept and the costumes so I wasn't expecting much. I was never watching NEWS concerts for the music, more like despite the music. It was that vibe, that seeming unity that lured me in.

I don't know if it's the editing or just my attitude but something felt different about this one. For one, the playlist was unusual. Wait, so we can just... skip Chankapaana and NEWS Nippon? I really like Invisible Dungeon and I support the choice of ballads that actually suit their voices. I love Wasuranaigusa but that choreo... really ruined it.

Dolls is a good song, it really is and that is why it was painful to watch it being ruined by the ridiculous extra performance. Conceptual performances are tricky, not everyone can pull them off. While Shige's solos tend to make me feel like I'm stupid, Tegoshi's made me feel that he's stupid. Shige went for minimalism this time and I think it was a very good choice. The song is simple but has an impact.

But frankly none of that really mattered. Not this time.

It wasn't as bad as I expected though. Sure, I occasionally thought of the songs that lost their meaning and the powerful vocal parts that will vanish and that even though I don't really care for Tegomass they sure sounded good together. Maybe it was because I wasn't watching alone so I couldn't fully let go but it went alright overall. I guess it just felt odd more than anything. It was the MC digest that fucked me up. It's was this odd mix of feelings boiling up inside where I would feel joy upon watching and then feel pain soon after at the knowledge it won't ever be the same.

A funny thing I noticed, which is not funny at all, is that the old videos that I've watched before still elicit warm feelings, I've already emotionally labeled them. But new ones or those I haven't seen at least, provoke a more complex response, sometimes hardly any. That said, Tegoshi mostly caused mild annoyance. And I know it's not like he really changed drastically, he was always this person but I still have to wonder if it's just me or he's been getting increasingly fake and annoying over the past few years. Now I know how the people who didn't like him saw him all this time. Even his voice sounded more annoying.

I wasn't sure if I wanted any Tegoshige moments or not but I kinda still felt cheated that this final time I didn't get any. I still secretly hoped they would release the first day of Nagano where Shige carried Tegoshi to his place or at least some juicy bits on the digest but it was just the MC bits so none of that made it.

I don't know why I thought Worldista DVD would help me make a closure. If anything, it made me even more bitter thinking "Why the fuck did you do it? Why let go of something so good?" And for what? To open hair removal salons? To be a second-rate Youtuber? It doesn't just seems selfish, it feels stupid. I know like Hyde, Tegoshi never loved singing that much, he just wanted the attention. But being in a popular band that has high independence seems like an ideal option for getting that attention. I bet he'll never stand in Tokyo Dome again or appear on DASH. None of it makes sense.

I don't think I can ever really forgive him for what he did. He didn't just ruin Story, he ruined Worldista and also retroactively earlier concerts. Even the concerts that came before Neverland. The 10ve, for one, is completely ruined by the knowledge that Tegoshi didn't give a shit about the members at the time and wanted out. All the big words mean nothing now. And I can still have bittersweet feelings about TVXQ because at least they were kids and they believed in the sweet naive things they said. But this little bastard, he wanted out long ago, it could have happened at any point. I remember watching the cursed press-conference and it was basically 2 hours of bullshit but at the end he said one thing that really stuck with me clear as day. He apologized to all the people who loved the "NEWS Tegoshi Yuya" and I realized that he knew exactly what he did.

I was hoping to let go of it by now but I can't. There are several reasons why this situation upset me so deeply. I guess a part of it is my own fear of abandonment and the notion that someone who you care for deeply can one day just fuck you over, as well as the general reminder that people are shit. There's also the good old disappointment in someone you once admired and mourning over the lost potential of someone who could be amazing but chose the shallowest road. On top of that there are the hard feelings of simply losing something that gave you joy and hope and the complications from the fact that my ship and my source of inspiration slip[ped away.

I know that pain comes from unacceptance but I guess I am still not ready to let go of mine.