Self-esteem is a strange thing. It's good to have it but bad to have too much. And I always preferred people who have a good self-esteem. Or so I thought. Recently I realized that many people I admire the most have a low self-esteem.
I noticed that those who have confidence, who think they are good as it is often settle for less. They have no incentive to grow, no incentive to become self-conscious. Attractive and charismatic people do not have to make much effort to be likeable. they take things for granted.
Take Tegoshi, for instance. I realized that the things I like the most about him are his beauty and his strength. But I hate his smugness, his selfishness and shallowness - the constant need to be the best. In the end it's not what you have but what you do with it. If all you do comes down to showing off and succeeding for the sake of it, it's just boring.
It reminds me of Jaejoong in a way. I had so much respect for him, how hard he fought to get where he is and how kind he was to everyone, almost motherly. But I loved him in TVXQ and JYJ. I don't like who he became as a solo artist. Most of his music is mediocre rock. Though some of it is good, overall the imagery is very corny and he does not have taste. I used to want him to sing rock but now I think he would be better off with good pop instead. He also became even more vain, using his face on every cover. He also hangs out with people like Pi who to me embody that very shallowness. Meanwhile, the people whose names he tattooed on his back are nowhere to be seen. He doesn't even mention his problematic 'soulmate' and Junsu. And then there was the terrible Covid prank. I just can't bring myself to even like him anymore.
One of the people I respect the most is Shou, who never had the best voice but worked his ass off to get better. It was the same with his looks. Although of course he was beautiful to begin with, he didn't feel it. He also gradually took most of the control over the band's activity despite not being the leader type. He is always humble and he had to earn his self-respect through hard work. Only now he is finally able to take compliments.
Then there's Shige who I would probably not like half as much were I to know him 10+ years ago. I deeply relate to him on many levels. Although in old shows he comes across as arrogant and snobbish kid, it was actually a cover-up to conceal his insecurity. He knew he was smart but not much apart from that. He wanted to be admired but wasn't sure if he deserved it. Over the years, he not only improved his singing, his music writing and other skills, he also became a better person. He really could have become a selfish prick, but he was able to subdue his ego and really appreciate his work and other people.
Although I never really had low self-esteem or self-hate, I struggled with my big ego. By being self-conscious and trying to avoid being partonizing, I became a kinder, more considerate person. I know I still have issues with it but at least I am aware of them and keep it in check.