Sometimes I look at myself and think: What the fuck is wrong with me? I spend half of my time being a fan so I don’t fit in with normal people with jobs and families but I also hate being a fan and I absolutely forbid myself fantasizing about any of the celebrities I stalk like a pro so don’t fit in with fans either.
The last time I allowed myself a fantasy was probably when I was 11 and I carved the initials JB into my bed and the concrete thing in my yard. I remember that, rushing home to watch the next episode, having a special diary where I summarized every episode from memory... It was lonely and painful and it got even worse when I realized there were thousands of girls all over the country just like me. It made my feelings irrelevant and unimportant. When all these years later I learned JB was dead it was as if that hopeless romantic part of me died, or perhaps I buried it myself.
I don't want to go through it again. And I don't know, maybe holding back is hurting me even more but what do you do with feelings that cannot be expressed? I already confessed once and I'm proud of myself for it but it hurt like hell. The thing is I don't even know how to d fantasizing, I never tried to develop it past 11 years... I have strong ground to think I will never experience romance in a way I want it so I can hardly even imagine it. Small thought linger at the edge of my mind sometimes but I chase them back because they bring nothing but hurt.
It may be stupid, in a way I envy fans who fan with abandon, at least they get the most out of it. I guess my pride is too high and it makes me an elitist bitch but I don't think there's any way of helping it.