I finally got to it. One year after it's been released. I was waiting for someone to make English translations but alas! it never happened so I ended up reading the Russian editing at times checking the original.
MOREI guess you can say it's a shocking book. It induced a lot of feelings, very mixed feelings. Half the time it made me think "Wow, that's pretty amazing" and the other half "Hyde, you asshole!" )) Some parts of it are very concise and up to the point but some are very random. But either way it's full of interesting opinions and ideas and I always enjoy that.
I have to say Hyde has never been someone who I associated with. In terms of Gakuhai I've always been a little more into Gackt even though Hyde's a lot more human-like and normal than Gackt. Then again he never talked that much about himself wanting to keep some mystery. But I guess 20 years of rumours was too much to ignore.
#1 SINGING
"Until now I didn't enjoy singing. I thought singing is needed for performing and recording CDs, founding pleasure in singing is unnecessary. Even though I tried to do it as well as I could, I did not like it, it was just a means to an end. "
On top of that he wrote doesn't really like writing music, hates recording and photoshoots and doesn't like TV shows. I was quite surprised. "Why do it then?" I was confused by all the things he said, like how music is just a means of expression and that art has been his first choice and even now music is sort of secondary and he could easily live without it.
But at the very end he wrote:
”Until now I was unable to evaluate myself but from now on it will change. I finally began to enjoy musical performances. Somehow I received the gift of performing. Maybe without realizing it I did sign some sort of 'contract'. Until now I never grinned while singing. And it took me 20 years. If I quit back then it would never happen."
And so I guess I'm happy for him.
#2 QUITTING
"I was at my limit. I didn't want anyone to think I quit because I saw a new course after releasing my solo album "Roentgen" so before releasing it I write a letter to the members. It said "I want to quit.""
I had absolutely no idea Hyde wanted to quit the band and they were seriously considering looking for a new vocalist. I knew the members were never that close to begin with but knowing that things were so bad... It kind of makes me sad. I absolutely can't imagine L'Arc~en~Ciel with a different vocalist.
On the other hand, Hyde talks about VAMPS with a great excitement, it really seems like he enjoys playing as VAMPS a lot more. But... I think in terms of music VAMPS is a lot weaker than Laruku. You can say they're totally different bands but... Honestly I only like a bunch of their songs. Also most of their songs don't make a good use of Hyde's voice. But anyway.
"But finally I had an earnest conversation with Tetsuya, it was hard. It felt like it was going to get better so we decided "let's see how it goes for a little bit more". So there was a feeling of: "Well, at any rate let's try doing it for little longer"."
In the end even though it sort of happened long ago I feel some relief and even gratitude about the decision which he made at that time.
#3 FEMININE
"It seems like they wanted a girl, so it seems like they often made me look like one. There’s a photo of me in a bikini (laugh)."
Reading the book I tried to find traces of Hyde's feminine side. But alas my quest was fruitless. His childhood and adolescence seem very normal. Camping, riding bikes, Kamen Rider, horror movies, metal rock bands... Everything about it as well as his way of thinking and his interests are very much masculine. Like I couldn't trace anything remotely feminine at all. It's almost a little disappointing) It seems like he often rebelled against the attempts of his parents like throwing tantrums over his red backpack which was apparently seen as girly (this part isn't from THE HYDE but whatever). I find it ironic how some 10 years alter he ended up with waist-length hair and red lipstick.
My general theory is that since his parents wanted a girl so much he unintentionally began fulfilling that scenario through his stage persona. At any rate I really hope his parents are very fucking proud. They should be for more that one reason.
#4 CHRISTIANITY
It's not like I didn't know about Hyde's obsession with Christianity. It's not unusual. Many J-Rockers are quite into it. I mean Gackt has songs titled "Maria" and "Jesus". Christianity is probably one of the most overused topics in J-Rock along with vampires and Nazi uniforms. But Hyde's case is different.
"I really like the atmosphere of Christianity and its ideas. Event though I'm not a religionist, I find it interesting and the style is also beautiful. When I'm in Europe I like to visit churches. I feel as if my soul is being cleansed. Yet there are many contradictions, so for me it's also interesting in a different sense."
He has an angel wings tattoo and a pair with thorns. Most of his accessories also bear Christian symbolism: the pentagram ring, the "Apple" ring which symbolizes the original sin and took him a whole year to make, as well as a snake-shaped ring called 'Lilith'. Not to mention his songs. Hyde's whole solo album is dedicated to religion and he keeps bringing up the topic over and over again.
To be honest some of his thoughts on religion seem a bit shallow to me. Or should I say it just sounds like teenage angst? Well, as he worded it himself, he's a "late bloomer", I guess. Mentally just past puberty) Wait, I'm being too mean again...
#5 FAMILY
"Regarding the family, from the very beginning I wasn't going to talk about it."
I was surprised and a little excited to see a chapter named "Family"... but soon I realized it's just a few passages where he explains why he is NOT going to talk about his family)) It's not like I expected a detailed account of his family life. But, you know, but I was sort of hoping that since he's revealed his name and birth date he might at least let us know whether he's still married and how many kids he really has. Nope, not in this century.
But in the end I can understand his point. Even though I'm really curious about what kind of father he is and such at the same time I kind of don't really want to know because it would definitely change how I view his as an artist. Then again, more than anything after reading this book I'm going to look at old performances and think "so he didn't really enjoy it that much".
#6 ***
Hyde is an asshole. Or should I have made it #1? Looking at the pictures it seems like there hasn't been a time in his life where he was not cute/beautiful. But this isn't just about his looks.
"I've never tried to learn how to improve my singing or different ways of composing."
I think in a way I always felt it wasn't fair how amazingly gifted some people are that they don't have to work as much as others to be great. And Hyde is exactly that. I always felt that way. Whether it was looks or vocals he stood out without even trying. He's always been very beautiful and didn't really do anything to keep in shape until he was close to 40. In fact he smoked and drank from an early age Same goes for his voice, he didn't really try to improve it or even do anything to take care of it. Asshole.
He specifically wrote the Devil did not approach him and he did not sell his soul but I'm still not entirely convinced.
#7 RUMOURS
"We live in an information society so sometimes even trivial things gradually spread on their own and get to be seen as truth."
Ok, I can totally relate to that. It's really frustrating how fast the rumours spread and how easily people are misguided. But after this he goes:
"Recently I got a surprising e-mail from a friend asking "Are you gay?" (laugh) I didn't understand what it was about so I replied: "Has something leaked out?" "They say it's been published in the magazine. So you really like pee pees?" so I said: "In this area, I'm still a virgin."
Excuse me for a moment, I need to stop laughing.
Ah, yeah, I'm ok now. I think it was about the “XXX“ promo pictures. Sorry, Hyde, but it was not a good way to back up your theory. Just... seriously, what the hell did you expect with a promo campaign like that? But oh well, at least he got that question out of the way. But the way he worded it kind of sounds like he's open for possibilities)
In case you need to be reminded here's an article on the topic:
aramatheydidnt.livejournal.com/2904077.html
Also I feel I should make up my bullying by translating another passage from this chapter. It might as well be one of the main reasons he decided to publish the book)
"Rumours spread gradually. Especially now when there is internet, the irresponsible people spread the lie further as long as it's interesting. On the internet it says my height is 156 cm but in fact it's 161 cm. I don't know how and when this information appeared but somehow it's been circulating for a very long time. (laugh) Sometimes I go to medical check-ups, and even though they also measure height I still want to ask "What did you see?", "What did you say you see?" (laugh) I admit I'm short. This is trivial but can't they go without bringing it up in various ways? I'm not a comic so when I'm being laughed at my friends and family* can only pity me. But these people don't care about that. It's ok as long as it's interesting?"
*this word can mean friends/family/followers so I don't know which ne he meant
There there, Hyde. It's ok. I feel your pain. I'm, like, 157. He also talks about yellow press and Brad Pitt's naked pictures but enough for one post.
#8 GACKT
What Gackt? There was nothing about Gackt in the book. Well, that's the point. I'm an old-school Gakuhai fan so it makes me sad. Even though Gackt is an even bigger asshole that him. Gackt dedicated a part of "Sex and Love" to him and pretty much professed his undying love while Hyde didn't even mention him in "Pals". He wrote quite a lot about Yasu and Daigo though who I just happen to dislike, mentioned Tegoshi from NEWS, Sid's Aki and Mao but not a word about poor little Gacchan.
"Now I have other friends. They're different form the friends of my childhood. Though they're different from my old friends, they suit my current lifestyle. Normally I hang out with yasu (Acid Black Cherry), Daigo (Breakerz), Tegoshi from NEWS. When I want to have a drink I always try to contact them. Now they are all popular artists so their schedules are tight but usually they come (laugh) unless they're out of the city. They adore me so I can hang out with them without being self-conscious. If I call people who don't like me I'd be a little apprehensive. So maybe they (friends) might be a little shy but (laugh) I enjoy it this way."
So basically Hyde like to hang out with younger celebrity friends who idolize him and follow his every whim. But there's more.
"Lately yasu is becoming similar to my manager. (laugh) Recently we all went to Kyoto to have fun, we drank and my great teacher got naked so I thought I have to get naked as well so I undressed. Then Yasu said "Please, put on your pants!" (laugh) I said: "You're right" and suddenly came to my senses but if yasu wasn't there I would have rampaged there naked. There have been quite a few of such cases. It's like: "Hyde-san, wouldn't it be better to not do it?" Now he's my manager! (laugh)"
Because that's something everybody needed to know. Anyway. Not only did Hyde not mention Gackt... on top of that he also said he doesn't believe in ghosts. How cruel is that? Gacchan must have cried clutching a pillow while reading this.
#9 ART
While I knew Hyde liked to draw and was pretty good at it I never knew it played such an important role in his life. I never knew it was his first career choice. I also haven't really seen much of his works, just some doodles here and there. But now that I've seen them they're really good.
You probably know some of the story if you read the translations of the first half of the chapter done by the Philippine Street Team (pretentious as they are).
But Hyde being Hyde he is in no way humble about it. You know, there are many artists who are good at drawing. Say, Gackt or Kiyoharu. But Hyde... he keeps bragging about how he was so good at it, being the best in his class and even art school. Also throughout the book he kind of bitches about how he didn't become a great artist since the world wasn't ready for his art.
"The high school I went to was a specialized one. At this point I felt it was impossible for me to go to a normal school. On the radio I heard: "There's a school with drawing lessons" so I told my parents: "I want to go there" and they let me. Though the entry fee might have been high. In this school half of the lessons were normal and half were drawing lessons. I commuted from home to Osaka so the road took about an hour and a half and it went on for 3 years.
But this school was a bit shocking. There were older students who had rainbow-coloured mohawks, only those kinds of musicians who played metal and punk. But although there were many scary older guys, I was able to draw so I enjoyed it there.
I guess the lessons were meant to give you the profession of designer. In total there were about 5 different courses such as sketching and graphics. At that time I tried to make proper sketches based on detailed pictures, you can say that was my speciality, basically I liked to make detailed drawings. I enlarged photos and and made drawings based on them. Also things such as a cat in a spoon. I made those drawings very detailed, it was my speciality during high school. Also, at that time I didn't notice but basically when you draw a picture don't you make outlines? But in reality things don't have outlines. So at that time after drawing the outlines I erased them and made shadows only based on the remaining thin lines. I began thinking that I developed this technique but within the last few years I've been watching TV shows about painting and found out that famous painters use this method. I though: "Oh, same as me!" (laugh) In our school there weren't that many students but I think that apart from things related to colours I was the most skilled. However as we began using paint and doing colouring... since I am partially colour-blind there was no way I could do that. When we used watercolour I wasn't very good at it. When I was in elementary school the homeroom teacher I mentioned earlier would say to me: "Don't worry about it, use colours as you wish" so even though I was told that my works are different from the rest, I had confidence and continued to use paints. But it was unacceptable for the public so during the time of the specialized high school I totally lost my confidence in colouring."
I'm not even going to say anything. That said, there are also things that make me admire him.
I had the impression that Hyde is quite a spontaneous person. But it seems like he can also work slowly and meticulously on something which kinda surprised me. I'm like that myself and I admire the ability. The way he comes up with ideas and goes towards realizing them unwavering, no matter how many years it might take. Whether it's a song or a tattoo. I've always liked Hyde’s wing tattoo but I never knew much about it so it was really interesting to hear about all the details, like how it was based on the statue of Nike of Samothrace. He made the design himself while thinking how Nike’s wings would have looked from the outer side. It took him a whole year to develop the final design. That’s something you really have to admire. I was also quite impressed to find out that all of the Self-portraits were basically hand-made, without using the PC.
He said at some point he realized that music is similar to drawing, as in it's just a different way of expression and music is not limited by colours. But in the end I guess the great difference is that he loves to draw but doesn't really like to compose or write lyrics even saying that every time he tries to write lyrics to a song he ends up making doodles) Anyway, I hope some day he will release some of his graphic works for both admiring and lolz.
#10 DEATH
That was a very deep and interesting chapter in many ways. Death is one of the most pertaining topics in his lyrics and you get a closer look into that. Apart from talking about his near-death experiences, one with nearly drowning and the bike incident there's some quite unexpected revelations. But I can't really talk about it without translating at least half of so here goes...
"Also now inside of me there's a feeling of having crossed a certain milestone. At some point I noticed that my fear of death disappeared. Of course I don't want to suffer and I also visit a doctor but I don't have regrets that I will die someday. For example, if right now something falls down on me and I die I don't think I will have any regrets about it. Somehow I was able to see the universe.
I realized it at a certain time, once there was a period when it seemed like my body was trying to die on its own. I had a feeling some sort of shinigami attached itself to me. It was as if I was pulled by invisible ropes across the balcony... At that time I thought: "To commit suicide you don't necessarily have to think hard about it." It was a the time when I was in LA in 2006 during my "Faith" tour. At that time I did have some problems but nothing too serious. But it felt like there was another me who was saying: "It's almost time, isn't it good?" This other me was kind of in a daze so I couldn't control him well and it's like my voice couldn't reach him. So I shook my head, trying to keep calm and hang on.
In everyday life there were times when I was suddenly filled with love and thought: "I wouldn't mind dying like this", and at this moment I had a feeling I was connected with the universe. The moment I was greeted by death I would be like: "Ah, so that's what the universe is like". By the way, I don't take drugs! (laugh) Also it was like all of a sudden I understood all about the providence of the universe. Maybe it was something big. Perhaps, at that time my attachment to life has disappeared.
From that time I began to truly feel the preciousness of the scenery that always surrounded me. I expressed this feeling in L'Arc~en~Ciel's "Alone en la Vida" and my solo song "I can feel", it became the basis for he lyrics written at that time.
After that a few months passed, gradually this shinigami has given up, it felt like it went far away. Yet, I can still remember the feeling of its presence. Now it feels like it was unreal but the cosmic feeling still lingers. As for my attachment to life, in addition to "There's nothing you can do about death, it happens some day" I want to add: "Let's live so that we can die without regrets". So maybe writing this book also has that meaning. I want to do all the things I should do."
Apart from these deep revelations he proceeds to talk about how if he really were to die he hopes none of his fans follow him. Because this chapter just wasn't pretentious enough.
Afternotes:
OK, I'm done here. Very much so. I wrote all I wanted to write and much more. I wan't planning to do all of these translations but... By the way, the XXX chapter was quite a disappointment. I expected at least something juicy. But nevermind. Thanks for everyone who read and commented. I think I need a long rest from anything Hyde now.