“Anyway, it's like with bikes,' said the first speaker authoritatively. 'I thought I was going to get this bike with seven gears and one of them razorblade saddles and purple paint and everything, and they gave me this light blue one. With a basket. A girl's bike.'

'Well. You're a girl,' said one of the others.

'That's sexism, that is. Going around giving people girly presents just because they're a girl.”

― Terry Pratchett, Good Omens



It was finally Spring enough so I re-watched IS. I also re-watched Sex, Lies and Gender just to complete it.

Since high school I've been interested in things like gender identity, gender roles and sexuality. I'm not quite sure why. I don't consider myself as bisexual although I'm sure as hell isn't all straight. Not with the things I did to my Barbie dolls back in the day... Actually up until the age of 17 I didn't really find male body attractive at all. I've had quite a few girl crushes too. Of course it was just a feeling of attraction, something I would never act upon. Not only am I female, but my build is very small. Lately I have those moments when I look at my body and sort of get amazed at how small it is. Generally I'm ok with how I look, but sometimes I really wish I were bigger. No matter what you say these things matter a lot. There are just things that you can't do when you're small.

But generally I'm attracted to androgynous people of either gender. I believe masculine and feminine are not the opposites of each other and a truly admirable person should have the traits of both genders - decisiveness and flexibility, strength and sensitivity.

I've been blessed with both hemispheres developed. I mean I have good linguistic skills but my coordination is also good. I'm pretty good at mapping the territory and finding my way around. I always liked shiny things and dressing up but I also liked mechanisms and was very curious about how things work. I also like PC games, especially strategies and RPG.

Speaking of childhood I wouldn't call myself a tomboy, a was a really quiet child. But ever since I was little I really hated pink. Even though I could care less about what I wore I was very stubborn and I'd get "No way!" if they tried to make me wear pink or something very girly. I really liked playing with dolls but my Mum says I played with all kinds of things including tank models my father likes assembling. When I became a teenager things got even more complicated. My sister says it was because I lacked a male role model in my family but it has to be more to it. Anyway I strongly rebelled against the gender stereotypes. 'Girly' became just about the worst characteristic for me. Around 13 I had a 'military pants, army boots' stage which was a trend back then. The music I listened to was also the type guys listened to. But music is a topic of its own so I won't go into that. I hated all the mating games with guys wanting nothing but getting into girls's pants and girls enduring it for the sake of cool status of going out with a high-schooler or even a student. I despised it, found it offensive. At some point somehow in my eyes being tough, manly even became a virtue. Even now I seldom wear skirts let alone dresses. Yet I like knowing I can and do it when I feel like it which is about once in several months. Last time I wanted to wear a skirt was when I saw how cool it looks on Tora. Also I think high heels is a heritage from the Inquisition even though I like looking at people wearing them.

Yet I can't help but be somewhat feministic. I really like Asian men but the problem is there's this idea of protecting your woman and I'm really not comfortable with it. It's one of the reasons I can't completely like Gackt. I really don't want to be protected and the very idea of it annoys me greatly. I sort of find it offensive even. Seriously, we don't live in caves anymore. Muscle power has little to do with being able to live well. Women have more flexibility, more endurance and more tolerance. If anything it's men who should be protected. Men are about x4 times more likely to die in an accident or become addicted to alcohol, drugs or gaming. All in all I think both too much masculinity or too much femininity lead to no good.



But no matter how I look at it 'manly' is a good word and 'girly' is not. Sister often reprimands me about my look or behaviour, like: "you're just like a dude!" I take it as a compliment. Sometimes I act that way on purpose just to annoy her and other people. Lately I had the feeling my mentality's become more masculine too. I can just feel it. Physically I'm also trying to gain some muscle like I always wanted.

Sometimes I feel things would be much easier if I were a man but if I really think about it I might have had even more trouble than I have now. In the end I wouldn't say I want to become a man, I just fight for the right to be the way I am in a society that tends to put labels on everything. But truthfully sometimes it would seem I enjoy this fighting.