GT 430

I have a GeForce GT 430, bought about 10 years ago to run a 3D game. Whch was a great improvement over the last videocard that was integrated. The fan on it died very soon but the old babe keeps on going. Any nerd would laugh at its inferiority but it served faithfully, not only easily handling Skyrim, but all 3 Mass Effects. Last year it somewhat begrudgingly ran The Outer Worlds. Last night I was terminally bored and gave a go at the new Baldur's Gate. It's in development but also brand new. I set low graphics settings but it ran with only minor lags. It's amazing how much graphics cards are overrated.

@темы: PC

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Queer History Lesson

Unexpectedly to myself, I got really engaged in history of Europe of XVI-XVII centuries. I never really had much interest in kings and queens and didn't know much about them but once I began to read and learn about their personal lives, it really began to come together. Also, I was struck by how many of them were queer and I began to write down my findings, which inevitably turned into a freaking study. 

 
I'm gonna start with King James I of England who ruled in XVII century. Now there are several tumblr posts about this queer legend. Some historians think he was weak and unremarkable but he survived several assassination attempts, kept his power over 3 countries and lived to old age, which is pretty remarkable on its own. He also kept all the religious leaders at bay and commissioned the world's most famous Bible, which is still owned by most Christians 400 years later. He was also the one who created the modern wedding ritual. You know, church, vows, rings, that stuff. He avoided wars and was a patron of the arts, even wrote some books, including one about demons, werewolves and vampires. What a nerd. He was very different from Elizabeth who preceded him, so one contemporary epigram stated "Elizabeth was King, now James is Queen". Oh, also he was very gay. Or, at least, as gay as a king can get. His relationships with his male courtiers were notorious. He had several favourites who had way too much influence over him and his court really hated it.

He needs to have a movie made about him, seriously. I found only one semi-documentary film and it was The King James Bible: The Book That Changed The World (2011). While I liked the film and King James was hot, sassy and very cool, it was disappointing he was shown as perfectly heterosexual. They could just avoid his personal life altogether, but instead they chose to show him being a perfect husband. While it is true that he was nice to his bride, by the time he met her he had a 10-year old relationship with a man 24 years his senior (since he was 14).

I'm just gonna use this screenshot from the movie instead of a painting because it's too good.



Perhaps the most notorious of his alleged lovers was George Villiers, 1st Duke of Buckingham. Starting out as a son of a minor gentleman, the 21-year old lad caught the eye of King James I and quickly became his favourite teasing him by dancing in intricate performances called masques. He made a brilliant career becoming a knight, an earl, a Marquess, and finally a duke - a title normally being reserved for members of the royal family - within just 9 years. Can you blame him though? I mean, look at that stud.



Btw, James’ pet name for Buckingham was Steenie, derived from St. Stephen who reportedly had the face of an angel.

The name Buckingham seemed oddly familiar to me but it took some time before I realized he was one of the characters in Dumas's "The Three Musketeers". Now I am someone who grew up on old pure Three Musketeers movies so when I started learning about the real historical figures involved in it it gave me a slight shock as the truth is way more weird and sinister that fiction.

The storyline I remember the most was the one where Anne of Austria, the queen of France, got in trouble with her husband Louis XIII because of her affair with Duke of Buckingham. Of course, Duke of Buckingham was never the Queen's lover, he was the King's. What's more, some historians assume Louis XIII was also queer. There is no evidence that Louis kept mistresses, but he had very intimate relationships with his favourites. He has even been described as “repelled by female contact”. There's also the issue of him struggling to have an heir. His wife had 4 pregnancies that were unsuccessful but that seemed like too few for a king who needed to secure his dynasty. After 23 years of trying, the king and queen were finally able to produce a son and another soon followed, the older son to become Louis XIV, and the younger, Philippe, to be known as Duke of Orleans.

Anne was quite the character for a dramatic story. After Louis's death she became the Regent and made sure to clear the way for her son Louis. To ensure that Louis's younger brother will not try to usurp the power from him as it was with Louis XIII 's brother, Anne of Austria conducted an early and very wicked gender development experiment. She and her adviser, Cardinal Mazarin, set up a plan to raise the two boys very differently. Queen Anne called Philippe by such nicknames as "my little girl" and encouraged him to dress in feminine clothing, which he sometimes did even as an adult.

I'm just gonna use this quote because this shit is real:
The queen and Mazarin discouraged the duc d'Anjou [Philippe] from traditional manly pursuits such as arms and politics, and encouraged him to wear dresses, makeup, and to enjoy feminine behaviour. His inclination toward homosexuality was not discouraged, with the hope of reducing any threat he may have posed to his older brother. Reportedly, Cardinal Mazarin even commanded his nephew, Philippe, to de-flower the king's younger brother.

Well, fuck. The joke's on them though, as Philippe grew up to be a fashion icon AND a fierce warrior. He participated in many battles and was immensely praised for his bravery and valour. In 1677, he led the French forces at the Battle of Cassel against William III of Orange of the Netherlands. Yes, that guy who later gently invaded England and took the throne. By the way, there are some allegations that he was also gay. Anyway, Philippe was so badass in battle that people glorified him as a hero and it made his stallion of a brother so jealous he sent him back and never allowed him on the battlefield again.

Louis XiV continued his mother's effort in encouraging his brother's effeminate behaviour and putting up with his homosexual relationships, all the while waging a war of homosexuality in France. I mean, gotta preserve the traditional values, such as fucking 12 mistresses who were often married. There were even rumours Louis fucked Philippe's wife. I guess he was trying to make up for his father, brother, son, and uncle, César de Vendôme.

Meanwhile, Philippe gave no fucks. He had a number of favourites and didn't even try to hide his sexuality. In fact, it is said that every time Louis pissed him off, Philippe did something extra gay and in his face.



One guy I have to mention is Armand, the Comte de Guiche, who was said to be handsome, vain, and manipulative. Armand was Philippe’s lover, but he is widely thought to have been his wife Henrietta’s lover as well. That apparently wasn’t enough for Guiche, because in 1665 he also tried to romance Louise de La Valliere, who was Louis’ chief mistress at the time. Louis exiled him in 1662 for plotting with Henrietta to break up Louis and Louise. What a glorious fucker.

But the love of Philippe's life was Chevalier de Lorraine who was basically a prince of a realm outside France. He's usually called 'Chevallier' but his name was also Philippe. He also had an older brother named Louis. Seriously, couldn't they try a little harder? Anyway, when they met Philippe was 18 and Chevalier 15 and sparks flew. He was described as being “as beautiful as an angel” and was more than ready to use what his mama gave him. He was smart and very manipulative and Philippe showered him with gifts all his life, much to the chagrin of his two wives whose money and estates he often gave away.



He moved to Palais-Royal, the same palace as Philippe and his wife Henriette. Very convenient. Philippe's marriage got kinda crowded. Chevalier got so arrogant, he actually told Philippe's wife she needs his permission to sleep with him and that he could get him to divorce her. She complained to the king and he got Chevalier imprisoned and exiled. However, not for long as Philippe pleaded the king to pardon him and eventually succeeded. Henriette did not get much relief apparently as she wrote: “I see from the ashes of Monsieur’s love for the Chevalier, as from the dragon’s teeth, a whole brood of fresh favourites are likely to spring up to vex me.” Of course, Chevalier also managed to enrich himself immensely by getting Philippe and the king to give him and his family tons of perks, such as make him the titular Abbot of four abbeys, which payed handsomely.

Henriette died very suddenly claiming she was poisoned. The doctors found no evidence of that, but there were still rumours that Chevalier was to blame. Philippe had to find another wife, even if he wasn't happy about it. Chevalier stuck around. He was exiled a second time after he apparently seduced the king's son (more on that later) but was able to return again. Their relationship lasted for 40 years, until Philippe's death.

There was a recent TV show called Versailles that depicts Louis XIV reign and it has a fairly accurate though romanticized portrayal of Philippe and Chevalier's relationship. They look stunning in it too, too bad the show is way too violent for me to watch.

Anyway, these relationships were far from rare. In fact, apparently there were the so-called confréries ( “fraternities” ), which were basically gay brotherhoods whose members hung out together and set up orgies. One elite brotherhood was founded between 1680 and 1682. Apart from Chevalier, it included the king Louis XIV's cousin Prince of Conti who was once proclaimed the King of Poland, and Louis's illegitimate son, the comte de Vermandois. The latter was 15 in 1682 when at the court of his uncle Philippe, he met the Chevalier de Lorraine and his sect and apparently got very personally acquainted with Chevalier's younger brother and nephew. When the king learned about it, the group was forcibly dissolved and Vermandois was beaten before the king, exiled from court, and forced into marriage.

Another such group was within the highest ranks of nobility at the court of Philippe II, Duke of Orléans, the son of Philippe and the regent at the time when Louis XV was young. They really didn't bother with names, huh? Anyway, they got involved in a number of scandals, in one of which that happened in 1722 a group of 17 noble men gathered in the palace gardens to fuck. The Regent didn't seem very bothered and even seemed to find it amusing.

The Regent, who did not stop smiling, was satisfied that it was necessary to give the nobles a harsh reprimand and tell them that they do not have the best taste [goût] in the world.

Dad would be proud.

There were also some (presumably) queer queens, like queen Anne of England. Now you might have seen the movie The Favourite but it's heavily satirized and Anne wasn't really childlike and helpless. Actually, this image was created by Sarah Churchill, Duchess of Marlborough, after she was expelled by Anne, and stuck. However, the rivalry between the old and new favourites was very real.

Anne met Sarah when she was just 8. Sarah was beautiful, charming and very persuasive. When Anne became the queen, she made Sarah Churchill her Mistress of the Robes (the highest office in the royal court that could be held by a woman) and gave her a bunch of other really cool titles. She also made her husband, John Churchill, a duke. Thus Sarah became the most powerful person in England after the queen and the queen always listened to her advice. However, as years went by, Sarah became increasingly pushy and insensitive, using the queen to get what she wanted.

Sarah Churchill being fab

Then comes Abigail Masham, Sarah's impoverished cousin. Abigail was soft, caring and considerate, exactly what the queen needed. Sarah tried to get rid of her but it only angered the queen further and she eventually dismissed Sarah and her husband and banished them with disgrace. Sarah then wrote scandalous memoirs, painting the queen as weak and instable, as well as implying that her relationship with Abigail was lesbian. In mid-1708, she helped to circulate a ballad with such lyrics as: “Her secretary she was not / Because she could not write / But had the conduct and the care / Of some dark deeds at night.”

While there is no direct evidence that she and Anne had sexual relationship, there are many letters between the women that are very romantic and intimate. Sarah even used them to blackmail the queen. And you can kinda see why. “Tis impossible for you ever to believe how much I love you except you saw my heart,” the princess wrote in one letter, as quoted in Anne Somerset’s biography of Anne. “If I writ whole volumes I could never express how well I love you,” read another.

Also, like, evidence was hardly even a thing with queer relationships, since the only solid evidence of regular affairs were illegitimate children.

Finally, I really want to talk about Frederick II, the king of Prussia. Buckle up because this is gonna be long.

Until the age of 7 Frederick was growing up with his lit mother and sister. Here they are, looking gorge. I think he’s in blue but tbh I’m not 100% sure.

Anyway, as he got older he was taken to his father and that’s when things got shitty. His father, Frederick William I, was the model image of toxic masculinity. He was all about power and military and expected his son to be the same. And since the boy was a lot more into music, poetry, and French stuff, his father often beat and humiliated him. He didn’t allow him to learn French and Latin because, like, that’s so gay. Now he was a real man. With a weird kink for tall guys. He is known for creating the Potsdam Giants, a regiment of very tall men that he didn’t use for battle, just dressing them up and making them march. Ultimate straightness. It is probably redundant to say but his father also hated 'sodomy’ and it was punishable by death, a law Frederick would repeal.

And the thing is, Frederick wasn’t even supposed to become a king. He was the third son. It wasn’t even disease. The first son died because a volley was fired close to his crib (because that’s the only way to wake up a real man - canon) and the second died at baptism because the royal crown crushed his skull. And you thought your parents were bad. Poor Frederick didn’t even want to be a king, he just wanted to play the flute and do his thing. In a different age he’d be writing musicals on Broadway or something.

Anyway, there are few doubts among historians the man was gay. There’s this BBC documentary that downplays it but it keeps saying he grew up in an environment where he was “leading a double life” and that he once wrote to a close friend that he felt he was a mirror that dared not be what nature made it, forced to oblige what was around it. Please.

Frederick’s first presumed relationship was at 16, with Keith, the king’s 17-year-old page. Unsurprisingly, Keith was soon sent to a far-off frontier. Right after that, however, Frederick got real close with an officer Hans Hermann von Katte. The dude was very woke and they both loved music and poetry but shit got very real very soon. In 1730, Katte and Frederick decided to flee to Britain to escape their despotic fathers. Sadly, they got caught and tried for treason. Although the prince was pardoned, Katte was sentenced to life imprisonment, which his sick dad changed to execution and then forced Frederick to watch it. At execution Katte and Fred shouted to each other endearments in French and before it happened, Frederick fainted. That shit really fucked him up and he got depressed but he toughened up and accepted his fate.

Aged about 20, Frederick was expected to marry. After a few failed attempts, an Austrian bride was selected, Elisabeth Christine of Brunswick-Bevern. Frederick was clearly unexcited and apparently even threatened suicide. As soon as he had secured throne, he sent her away and only met with her out of necessity. They had no children. And some historians are like, “well, they just didn’t get along”. Well, his folks hated each other but it didn’t stop them from having 14 children.

Anyway, his father finally got off his back and as a crown prince, he mostly spent his time reading, composing, watching plays and writing woke political essays. Then his dad died so playtime was over.

Now that sounds like a story of a “weak” king. A man who loved to read books and play his flute. But it’s not how it was. As Fred became king, he inherited a very militarized state with a huge-ass army and he worked with what he had. He started expanding Prussia, starting with Austria, which he had old beef with. He wasn’t out for world conquest, he struck swiftly and strategically to consolidate and strengthen his state.

Frederick, widely known as Frederick the Great, waged war against much bigger armies with great success and doubled Prussia’s size in his reign. Which is why Hitler was obsessed with the guy smh. Would make more sense if he was into the Frederick Senior, with his militarism and his little hobby of inbreeding giants and all. He must have missed the part where he was tolerant, modest and also gay.

Frederick also had a younger brother, Prince Henry, who was also gay. He was an important general in the king’s army, though their relationship was quite complicated. Henry married but like his brother, bore no children, ignored his wife and spent time with fine lads.


Look at this unapologetic legend!

When Frederick wasn’t battling, he was doing lit stuff. He built a gorgeous palace in French fashion, full of Grecian sculptures and homoerotic paintings. He attracted the best intellectual minds of his time. Voltaire lived there for 3 years btw and he did not hold back to make many “wink wink” references to the king and his Grecian taste.

Speaking of which… One of his closest friends was Michael Gabriel Fredersdorf, an army private and a son of a peasant. Frederick met him as a prince and kept him by his side for the rest of his life, quite literally as he had an adjoined bedroom in his palace. He also made him a chancellor and gave him an estate, which really pissed off the elites.

Frederick is a complex character. Sure, he waged war and very successfully asserted himself as one of the top military leaders in history. But at the time Prussia was a scattered landlocked state, it couldn’t just opt out of war so it’s not like he could just go “peace out, bitches”. But he did so much more. The guy actually believed that the king’s duty was to be just and improve the lives of his people. He did some major reforms, improved education, supported art, and practiced religious tolerance, which was pretty woke at the time. He abolished torture and corporal punishment. He made governing more democratic by hiring people based on ability, not just status. Sadly, his cool legacy was utterly destroyed because the Nazi decided to appropriate him as their idol but lately it’s being reassessed. It’s hard to judge him considering how much he went through. But despite it all he became one of the best military commanders in history, one of the most woke and talented monarchs, and of course a legendary queer! 

Disclaimer: I know all of these people did some terrible shit, at least by modern standards, but I'm here to have fun so I'm not going to go there now.

Sources:
medium.com/@LukeBoneham/the-politics-of-desire-...
thehistoryofparliament.wordpress.com/2019/02/21...
www.ranker.com/list/life-of-philippe-dorleans/m...
cour-de-france.fr/vie-quotidienne/sociabilite-e...
aelarsen.wordpress.com/2018/07/20/versailles-th...
thedrummersrevenge.wordpress.com/2007/06/22/ref...
dirtysexyhistory.com/2017/09/03/a-secret-gay-br...
unspeakablevice.tumblr.com/post/82525976110/lou...
journals.openedition.org/crcv/14427#ftn161
Marie Antoinette's World: Intrigue, Infidelity, and Adultery in Versailles
The Real Versailles - BBC Two
BBC Four - Frederick the Great and the Enigma of Prussia
https://medium.com/war-is-boring/historys-greatest-gay-general-fd7d1d311464
https://www.queerportraits.com/bio/frederick
https://www.spectator.com.au/2015/10/frederick-the-great-king-of-prussia-is-a-great-read/
http://gayinfluence.blogspot.com/2011/10/frederick-great-1712-1786.html
https://www.history.com/news/true-story-queen-anne-sarah-abigail-the-favourite-fact-check 

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Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра

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So pissed off at the changes to diary. It was one place where I could just write without worrying about other things, something stable and safe, but now the formatting is all over the place and I literally can't even type normally as the text throws me back up after it gets too long.

@темы: diary

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The Wilds

Normally, I'm not really interested in shows about survival, mystery and large-scale reveals. But this show is not just any show. I wasn't watching the beginning but then I had to go back and re-watch it.

The acting, the writing, the pace - everything is perfect. As a cold-hearted bitch, it is a rarity for me to get so emotionally involved and shed tears but I did. Every character is fucked-up but also at least somewhat relatable. The 'villains' are also rather fresh and human. The overall concept isn't really new but frankly, a good show is never about the novelty, but conveying an idea. If it's good, it's good.

Way too often a show gives you a decent setting but keeps disappointing with cheap plot twists and character reveals. But not this time. It's so satisfying to watch every episode take you somewhere new you did not expect to go and its about character development as much as it is about the plot. Probably more. Every episode blows your fucking mind. The timeline is fragmented, with different periods and different POVs, and while usually most shows don't bother to make sure things add up in the end and clearly expect you to forget everything you saw before the current episode, here everything comes together like a puzzle.

Another thing I love is the lack of violence. There are plenty of hard topics, suspense and tragedy but nothing graphic, the good writing and directing takes you there emotionally. Also it's probably the first time you see the castaways sunburnt, dirty and with dirty hair. Legs are still hella smooth but it's a progress. Also, the OST is awesome.

The season finale is cruel with its triple cliffhanger. I can't fucking wait for Season 2.

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The Spanish Princess

The Spanish Princess ended with Season 2 and I was only mildly upset. I can't tell if the season got that much weaker or I just got too advanced in history and therefore picky but I found many fault with it. For one, the show obviously lacks budget. The filming took place mostly in one small castle and the set they used for Hampton Court is very lacking. I know that shit now.

Then there are some major historic discrepancies. I mean, I begrudgingly accepted that Henry who was supposed to be like 11 looked 18, but it just kept getting derailed in timeline and facts. But my biggest disappointment is how much the storylines are modernized. I know that that is necessary to some extent and it's impossible to convey to the audiences how different were attitudes to nearly everything - life and death and marriage and childbirth - but I feel like they went too far with trying for the story to be relatable. For instance, child mortality was extremely common and so were king's mistresses.

I also hate the botched storyline of Margaret Tudor. Her whole story is oversimplified and she is portrayed as some sort of 16 c feminist. Ok, it's also because I do have a special soft spot for Lord of Angus, played by a redhead Scottish icon who nailed King James. The season ended on Katherine leaving the palace and that felt abrupt but most of all I hated that obligatory solemn monologue. It reminded me of when I don't know how to end a post so I do this cheesy essay-like ending. It sounded especially hollow knowing how Henry did in the end divorce Katherine and how her daughter became the infamous Bloody Mary.

@темы: series

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How To Go Solo

As a veteran fan, I’ve been watching over many artists as they went through their careers. Going solo or going independent, almost every artist I like felt the need to get more freedom and control over their career and subsequently went through significant changes. I felt the need to write down some of my restless thoughts. This time I won’t be talking about NEWS though, I already said enough.

I’ll start with Gackt and Hyde who are very self-centered but also very talented and I have immense respect for them as artists and entertainers.

Gackt went solo in 1998, after leaving his position of a vocalist in a moderately successful Visual Kei band Malice Mizer. He left at the peak of the band’s popularity but it was apparent that the band wasn’t effective with two leader-like figures. More importantly, it really was too small for Gackt’s ideas, as he wanted to write music, produce and direct every aspect of his career. He came back with a bang, making an impact with both his music and TV appearances. He wasn’t immediately commercially successful but his strange personality, extravagant lifestyle and willingness to accept any gig, be it music shows or weird TV commercials, made him very recognizable and earned him a solid place in Japan’s music industry and much more. Gackt is one of those people who is large-than-life. He lives in fucking castles, drives elite cars and does everything his way. He is incredibly pretentious but the thing is it’s hard to call him out because he’s just that good at everything. Gackt wrote his first book containing his autobiography, the details of him leaving the band, and his often bizarre views on things in 2003, but by that time he made 4,5 albums and a movie and became a household name in Japanese entertainment. At the time when I read it years ago it did actually have a great impact on me. I find such books very pretentious but if anyone can write them, it’s Gackt. But even with an immense talent and vision, Gackt would have a really hard time without loyal allies. He summoned You, the guitarist he met in his first band, and the man has been by his side for the next 20 years, along with his other guitarist Chachamaru. Even a genius needs someone to rely on.

Hyde wrote a similar book modestly called THE HYDE only in 2012 and that is where he revealed he was planning to leave L’Arc~en~Ciel in 2001 as the band could not agree on anything and he had things he wanted to do on his own. However, after restoring communication between the members and playing a successful tour, he decided something so great deserved to be saved so since then the members continued to work both in Laruku and on their other projects. The book frankly made me raise eyebrows quite a few times for its vanity and pretentiousness. It’s clear he has been spoiled with attention all his life and now has an army of fanboys, including other artists, who worship him religiously. But hey, that’s Hyde, one of Japan’s top artists. He isn’t just pretty and charming, he wrote some fantastic music that also sells and has distinct artistic vision. On his first hiatus Hyde recorded Roentgen, an absolute masterpiece of an album. The other members also participated in other projects, both solo and other bands, but they at some point they still come together to create the magic that is L’Arc~en~Ciel. Each of these individual projects is definitely weaker but I’m just glad that thanks to this compromise L’Arc~en~Ciel still exists.

There’s Alice Nine who I lately love more than their music. They started their career as a part of a large brand PS Company that hosted many other artists and held common events, not unlike Johnny’s. It also turned out they had some similar rules and regulations, such as strongly discouraging tattoos. Being signed to the company granted a good start and all the necessary resources but at some point the members felt like they wanted to decide what’s best for them. It must have been a difficult decision to lose that kind of safety net, but they had enough experience and expertise to make it work. They already managed their music and design but they also took over other things such as directing music videos and did it so well you can hardly tell the difference. But what really made it work was excellent teamwork and loyal fans. They might not have the same budget now and it has to be challenging but it’s clear for them it’s more important to have freedom than to gain more money or popularity and I really respect that.

There’s also a J-rock vocalist Shin, whose former band ViViD had a very swift success before prematurely disbanding. Now he has a fairly successful solo career and used Youtube to do cover songs of other artists, especially his beloved L’Arc~en~Ciel and GACKT, and collaborations with other J-rock artists, in addition to his own material. It’s a modest but dignified career.

Now pop bands are different because normally they’re very dependent on other people to write their music, provide choreography and styling. Moreover, their company ensures they get roles and TV appearances. Leaving a company can be a rough wake-up call.

Which brings me to a complicated tale of TVXQ’s and JYJ’s demise. Now I think the 3 members’ decision to leave the band was very understandable and at the time, it really felt like they could make it work, having real talent and solid team-work. But looking back, I cannot blame the other side for staying either. They really had a lot to lose. Even after wining the lawsuit, and up to this day, JYJ are unable to fully participate in the Korean, and to a lesser extent Japanese, music industry. The first year in Japan seemed very successful with A-nation appearance and Tokyo Dome. But as soon as TVXQ made a comeback, they were dropped like a hot potato. And the change was felt immediately. SM made a lot of questionable choices in terms of performances and style. However, it soon became apparent how much I was taking for granted. Even if some of the SM choices were very questionable, there was some weight behind it. Once the members began self-producing, I was struck with the bad outfits, questionable back dancers, vulgarity, and most importantly, the lack of real hit songs. Moreover, the lack of strict management led to some members slacking off in dancing and performing. Essentially, they followed the fate of JTL, a group formed by the three members of k-pop legend H.O.T that left the company a decade earlier. But by far the most disappointing part was the deterioration of the members’ relationships who drifted away so much that soon JYJ concerts were 70% solos with a few half-assed band songs. While Jaejoong enjoys a successful career in Japan, most of his songs are not memorable. Junsu really flourished in the musicals but his solo career is dramatically overproduced and sorely lacks a sense of direction. Yoochun had the most potential as a songwriter but we know how that turned out. Eventually, I almost stopped caring because of both the music and the feeling of betrayal.

Finally, there’s JE. The thing with JE is that, while it clearly doesn’t pay its artists that much, it allows a great deal of freedom. It’s a sort of a soft exploitation. If you get to debut, your possibilities are limitless. Even if you lack musical talent, you can act, host shows, do comedy, write books or get other opportunities you would never get otherwise. And there’s definitely a lack of production and skilled professionals (though it got better in recent years) but that also allowed some artists to step up and discover new talents, like Massu did with costumes and stage. Unlike in K-pop, nobody’s going to hold you back from leaving but also you’ll have noone to blame but yourself if you fail. I wish there was a middle ground between amateurish but earnest J-pop groups and sleek but overproduced K-pop groups that all look the same these days.

Changes is artists’ careers are natural but freedom is a double-edged sword. It may come at a price. In the end, an artist cannot do everything themselves. Not everyone is talented enough to write good music, not everyone has taste to make good style decisions. It’s ok to do what they are good at and leave the rest to others. Yet, it’s not easy to find someone who they can fully trust and they might end up in a worse place than before. One needs to know their true abilities and recognize their limits. It’s safe to say most companies exploit their artists but sometimes, it might be worth to be exploited than step out and into irrelevance.

@темы: essay

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The 2020 Totals

Site of the Year: tumblr, Twitter
Obsession of the Year: Dolls, make-up, 16-17cc history, TV shows
Movie of the Year: Submarine
Series of the Year: all of them
Documentary of the Year: Everything by Lucy Worsley
TV Show of the Year: The Daily Show, RuPaul's Drag Race
Game of the Year: Drakensang Online, Mass Effect 3
Purchase of the Year: the other Raquelle, flashlight
Book of the Year: see below
Personality of the Year: Richard Ayoade, Lucy Worsley
Fic of the Year: Incubus
Ship of the Year: Tegoshige, after June I'm indiscriminate, Monchevy
Artist of the Year: Melanie Martinez
Album of the Year: Melanie Martinez - See in Me What I Can't
Demise of the Year: Duh. Besides the pandemic... Fucking Tegoshi. Also jobs. Also the air in the city.
Challenge of the Year: Going for that medical check-up
Blessing of The Year: Shou smiling at me. Twice. Us elections. Online friends.

DIGEST

Soundtrack of the Year: NEWS - Story, Michel Polnareff - Le Bal Des Laze, Melanie Martinez - High School Sweethearts, Melanie Martinez - Band-Aids, Melanie Martinez - Bombs on Monday, Paul Draper - Things People Want, Jorck - As We Are Changing

Movies:
JT Leroy
Submarine
Portrait de la jeune fille en feu

Series:
Vanity Fair
AJ and The Queen
Good Girls Revolt
The Loudest Voice
The Durrells
Galavant
Dickinson S1
Our Zoo
Mr Selfridge
Derry girls
Space Force S1
The Good Fight S4
Little Fires Everywhere
Mrs. America
Little America
The Politician S2
UnREAL
Mad Men
Queen's Gambit
The Crown S4
Black Books

Dramas:
レンタルなんもしない人

Shows
Drag Race S5, S12
All Stars 2, 5

We're Here

 

Also
Kuroshitsuji Musical III

Documentaries:
Planet Earth I, II
Spy in the Wild
Disclosure (2020)
BBC American/British History's Biggest Fibs
Stockton On My Mind (2020)
The Dark Ages An Age of Light S01 (2012)
The Real Mad Men of Advertising
Drag Becomes Him
everything by Lucy Worsley

Games:
Sims 3
Drakensang Online
Mass Effect 3
The Outer Worlds

Books:
“The Picture of Dorian Gray”
E.Tolle, "A New Earth"
"Keep the Aspidistra Flying"

Fanvideos finished:
Break Me Shake Me

Fanfics finished:
Stir You Up
Be Still
Incubus (ongoing)

This year took more than 2 pages.

@темы: Totals

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I don't watch a lot of Japanese dramas but I can't help but notice a pattern recently. Even though the plots can't be more different, the underlying message is the same. Whether it's a female detective who doesn't give a fuck what others think about her or a man who made a career out of doing nothing, or a transgender woman who just wants to live her best life, it's all about choosing your own path without worrying if you fit in. All of those characters are extreme but they are meant to make the people loosen up and and be a little more selfish. A sentiment that is relevant to Japan mostly.

@темы: musings, dorama

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Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра

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レンタルなんもしない人

I finally finished watching the drama and I really liked it, more than I imagined. I really like dramas that offer an alternative unconventional way of living and doing things. Like, you don't have to agree with it but it gives you a new perspective.

Renting oneself out is a rather simple concept but the best part is that the drama is very much based on the life of a real person and not some manga. While there are some plots with friends for rent and such, here the main character does not make any effort to appeal to his clients. He is neutral but that's why people find it easy to talk to him without being judged.

Rental-san is an odd guy and there are times when you question his 'career' choice. After all, his wife does most of the housework, childcare and managing the bills. But the key part is that they agreed on this, they trust each other and they are happy with the way things are. Also, Massu can make anyone likeable.

The drama shows several stories loosely or not based on Rental-san's requests, exploring some of the issues that people deal with that they can't share with anyone. There's an episode about a woman in a lesbian relationship who unexpectedly just wants to express how happy she is or someone with a dark past who finds it hard to even be around people, as well as just shy people who want someone to accompany them.

And Massu is not a great actor but he fit in really well in it. Though he's not exactly a person who likes to do nothing, he does like to space out sometimes. Also, he does have a rather unconventional lifestyle and relationships. He does what he wants without really worrying if that's normal or not. Seeing him with a wife and child felt a little off though.

I also read an article about Rental-san written after the book came out and I have respect for the guy. In fact, I felt I can relate to him in a way. He was about the same age as me when he started the service after years of unsuccessful career efforts. He tried to teach and edit but every time he was forced to socialize and conform to the company's conventions. And the more he tried, the less he wanted to work at all. In the end, he took a very bold step out of the box. I think it takes a lot of courage to choose one's own path and more than that to choose something that challenges such a basic concept as job, especially in a country like Japan with very strict social conventions. I think it's great that lately there are dramas that show people it's ok to be different.

Overall, the drama was very much up my alley: nice to watch, with interesting ideas and without much drama. I'm glad they were able to finish the filming and you can tell exactly where it break off by hearing the ending song Beautiful going from a 4nin to a 3nin version. ;;


source: gaijinhan.com/2019/05/02/rent-a-guy-who-does-no...

@музыка: NEWS - Beautiful

@темы: dorama

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Work and Job

Jobs are so disappointing. You can't get paid for doing the things that bring you joy and feel right and the stuff you can get paid for is often pointless and deceitful. I once read this idea that there is a lot of work to be done but not enough jobs. So many crucial jobs, good things like childcare, elderly care, working with animals are highly underrated. And doing the really good things like helping the poor, restoring historic monuments, or saving the environment is highly dependent on someone's good grace, sponsors and volunteers. And then there are those sought after lucrative jobs like lawyers, bankers and politicians that often profit from people's misery. Most educated people though are involved in producing, selling and promoting shit. But apart form being morally questionable, a lot of jobs are just pointless and very inefficient.

I turned down another gig today because the employers were infants who had no fucking idea what they were doing and I really try not to be a smartass but I found a critical mistake in the task they gave me within 5 minutes. The error I found had a profound impact on the whole task and made it x5 simpler. I didn't even try to look for it, it was just out there, the task did not make sense so I had to check. The sheer level of incompetence is impressive.

Sadly, that's not much of a surprise at this point. Most places I worked at (that weren't even actual places) were full of chaos and incompetence. Looking back, most of them had some real problems. Sometimes it was the poor management, sometimes massive miscalculation caused by someone's overblown ego, and sometimes just stupidity.

Most work in my field comes from foreign companies creating outsourcing chains that are usually messy to begin with and get messier each step down. There's a lack of communication, time and language barriers but probably most of it is just the result of hiring incompetent workers, which is the result of trying to cut costs.

In today's case, the task itself was a little off in itself but I might still do it provided I got reasonable demands. But the amount of work and the time given for it was ridiculous. Objectively, there's simply no way to do that much that fast with a good outcome - you ether need more time or less work or you cut corners. A lot of corners. The only people who take it willingly are those who are not qualified to begin with.

@темы: work

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Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра

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I had a dream I was forced to sing Weeek to a small crowd of people. Alone. And I don't even know all the words. But you know, I still did the best I could.

@темы: Dreams

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The Outer Worlds

This game kind of came about spontaneously because I wanted something new. I was restless and I went into it without much thinking. I actually was semi-sure it simply won't run on my old PC but turns out that system requirements are total bullshit, a corporate conspiracy.

Speaking of which... The game isn't just your average shooter. It's a satire of corporate slavery masked as an ARPG game.

This is a space dystopia. The workers of the colonies all work for huge corporations as indentured servants, getting no benefits and facing fines at every step. The healthcare is only for those who are already healthy enough. Inhumane dangerous experiments conducted to create a diet toothpaste? The wealthy capital where guns are sold for protection from vague outside world threats? Senior benefit program is actually just gerontocide. This is A+ world-building. However, some scenarios do get old. There's just so many times you can sell the thriller or an isolated crew going insane, starving and... you know.

One thing that really struck me about this game was the... humanness of the characters. They all look like real people. Not glossy but not ugly like in Skyrim either. Not a single cleavage or a dress in sight. The clothing's all practical. All the hairdos are shortish and the make-up is very futuristic. I love how mad it made the dudebros. Although, it's probably only a matter of time till someone makes a nude mod.

However, if I could choose to play this game knowing all about it now, I would not do it. Story is really important but it's not everything. First off, I feel like it's got too much plot for those who just want to shoot shit and too much shooting for those who like the plot.

I didn't like the gameplay from the start. I still do not like it but I'm kinda used to it, mostly. The perks are boring. I just assigned them randomly. I set the difficulty on 'story' just to get through it easily. Even the science weapons didn't do it for me. The enemies may fall apart or turn to dust but sometimes they just float away. The monsters look very unrealistic, like blow-up dolls that just go limp when killed.

Another disappointing thing was the character creation or rather the fact that after an hour of creating the look, it turned out the game is 1st person POV. The character is basically non-existent, just a shell. The companions are a bit boring too. Maybe that's just me but I wasn't able to get too engaged in their stories. They all have twists but they weren't that interesting to me. While the world was very rich in detail, the plot itself wasn't too original. The ending was a little bit boring too.

My biggest issue, however, is with the gore. This is probably the bloodiest game I played and there's a lot of dark humour involved. I tried to see if there might be a switch for gore but there wasn't. The saddest part is that while I was trying to find out if it can be amended I realized many players actually complained there was too little? The fuck?? I was considering picking up Fallout but seeing how violent this game is, I will probably pass.

@темы: Games

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Worldista (tell me it's over)

It all has come to this. I've been preparing myself for this concert for months even before it was announced and yet, even when I got the files there was something in me resisting. It felt like this might be it. The last one. Watching Worldista on Halloween seemed appropriate. If there's one band that can be classified as undead, it's NEWS.

I don't like the album to begin with and I also disliked the concept and the costumes so I wasn't expecting much. I was never watching NEWS concerts for the music, more like despite the music. It was that vibe, that seeming unity that lured me in.

I don't know if it's the editing or just my attitude but something felt different about this one. For one, the playlist was unusual. Wait, so we can just... skip Chankapaana and NEWS Nippon? I really like Invisible Dungeon and I support the choice of ballads that actually suit their voices. I love Wasuranaigusa but that choreo... really ruined it.

Dolls is a good song, it really is and that is why it was painful to watch it being ruined by the ridiculous extra performance. Conceptual performances are tricky, not everyone can pull them off. While Shige's solos tend to make me feel like I'm stupid, Tegoshi's made me feel that he's stupid. Shige went for minimalism this time and I think it was a very good choice. The song is simple but has an impact.

But frankly none of that really mattered. Not this time.

It wasn't as bad as I expected though. Sure, I occasionally thought of the songs that lost their meaning and the powerful vocal parts that will vanish and that even though I don't really care for Tegomass they sure sounded good together. Maybe it was because I wasn't watching alone so I couldn't fully let go but it went alright overall. I guess it just felt odd more than anything. It was the MC digest that fucked me up. It's was this odd mix of feelings boiling up inside where I would feel joy upon watching and then feel pain soon after at the knowledge it won't ever be the same.

A funny thing I noticed, which is not funny at all, is that the old videos that I've watched before still elicit warm feelings, I've already emotionally labeled them. But new ones or those I haven't seen at least, provoke a more complex response, sometimes hardly any. That said, Tegoshi mostly caused mild annoyance. And I know it's not like he really changed drastically, he was always this person but I still have to wonder if it's just me or he's been getting increasingly fake and annoying over the past few years. Now I know how the people who didn't like him saw him all this time. Even his voice sounded more annoying.

I wasn't sure if I wanted any Tegoshige moments or not but I kinda still felt cheated that this final time I didn't get any. I still secretly hoped they would release the first day of Nagano where Shige carried Tegoshi to his place or at least some juicy bits on the digest but it was just the MC bits so none of that made it.

I don't know why I thought Worldista DVD would help me make a closure. If anything, it made me even more bitter thinking "Why the fuck did you do it? Why let go of something so good?" And for what? To open hair removal salons? To be a second-rate Youtuber? It doesn't just seems selfish, it feels stupid. I know like Hyde, Tegoshi never loved singing that much, he just wanted the attention. But being in a popular band that has high independence seems like an ideal option for getting that attention. I bet he'll never stand in Tokyo Dome again or appear on DASH. None of it makes sense.

I don't think I can ever really forgive him for what he did. He didn't just ruin Story, he ruined Worldista and also retroactively earlier concerts. Even the concerts that came before Neverland. The 10ve, for one, is completely ruined by the knowledge that Tegoshi didn't give a shit about the members at the time and wanted out. All the big words mean nothing now. And I can still have bittersweet feelings about TVXQ because at least they were kids and they believed in the sweet naive things they said. But this little bastard, he wanted out long ago, it could have happened at any point. I remember watching the cursed press-conference and it was basically 2 hours of bullshit but at the end he said one thing that really stuck with me clear as day. He apologized to all the people who loved the "NEWS Tegoshi Yuya" and I realized that he knew exactly what he did.

I was hoping to let go of it by now but I can't. There are several reasons why this situation upset me so deeply. I guess a part of it is my own fear of abandonment and the notion that someone who you care for deeply can one day just fuck you over, as well as the general reminder that people are shit. There's also the good old disappointment in someone you once admired and mourning over the lost potential of someone who could be amazing but chose the shallowest road. On top of that there are the hard feelings of simply losing something that gave you joy and hope and the complications from the fact that my ship and my source of inspiration slip[ped away.

I know that pain comes from unacceptance but I guess I am still not ready to let go of mine.

@темы: NEWS., Tegoshi Yuya, Concerts

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Mad Men

It's been a committed 1,5 months with 7 seasons. It's odd that I haven't really heard about it before as just last week I saw bits of it in OITNB and Colbert's. It has to be the only TV series that's perfectly consistent. There's none of that crap where the new season is 2 years apart and half the characters are gone along with their plotlines. It all just unravels smoothly.

I picked it after I found a documentary based on it and because it sounded exciting and safe but although there's no graphic violence and only a few dark scenes, there's something sinister about it. A kind of a tragedy of human condition. Everyone is so profoundly fucked up. It is hard to find a character to love. The men are all horrible, it's like you pick who's the least horrible and then turns out he's actually the worst. The only decent ones are gay. Which reminds me of Masters of Sex. The women aren't really that likeable either. You want to admire them but they often disappoint with being horrible to black women or each other. But you know what? A good show doesn't need you to love the characters. It just needs to be interesting. I am very bitter about Ginsberg though, he deserved better.

Don Draper is a good character and I get that he's supposed to be irresistible but it's literally every single woman on the show loses her mind when she sees him. He clearly is the writer's power fantasy. By Season 7 I was sick of him but I think that having a character who is the ultimate strong silent man but is actually deeply depressed and broken is good.

Apart from the plot, the show is very visually appealing, with all the shapes and colours and the slowly shifting eras. I also really appreciate that unlike most period shows that use a washed up version of the past, the show captures the atmosphere of the time it is set in in all the good and bad aspects. There's the historically accurate sexism, racism and homophobia. The creator said he meant to make the modern women realize just how good they have it. But rather than that, I feel like it probably made the white men wish for those golden years when they ruled everything. Also, everyone drinking smoking non-stop, anywhere, even the pregnant women. There are also many smaller details like not wearing seatbelts or littering carelessly. Many scenes make you uncomfortable, like the blackface at the party, but I think that's good.

Overall, I think the show was going very strong for 6 seasons but Season 7 was kind of disappointing. It felt like it lacked a direction, the plots were tired and unexciting. The ending came as a surprise for me though. I totally expected a tragic end with Don finding ultimate peace. It felt like it was going to that point but I guess the writers thought it would be way too depressing.

@темы: series

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Kuroshitsuji Musical III: Lycoris that Blazes the Earth

I've finally come around to watch it and realized there are already 5 musicals though the last 2 have a different Sebastian and therefore are of no interest to me. Matsushita Yuya is the only Sebastian for me. At first he seemed too young and his voice is too high but he has much immaculate style and poise I was made to reconsider. I was sad to learn he isn't taking part in the musicals anymore but seeing how flawless this one is, perhaps it was time for him to drop the mike.



Overall, the first two were lacking in many ways but the level went up each time and the third musical feels like the peak. It's very true to the anime but like the others is set as a standalone story. Everything from casting to production seems very polished. Madame Red is perfect, so is Lau and the rest of the cast, both old and new. At first I didn't like the boy and he's not a very good singer but he actually did very well overall. I tried to find something wrong with the musical but I have no major qualms. The vocals though far from perfect were quite stable and had a much better harmony even on complex multi-cast songs. Viscount was as gross as he was fucking flawless. Tegoshi lost a biggest chance but fuck him, it was great. Nearly every character felt like they stepped out of the anime. The choreography is complex and elegant, the stage is elaborate, the music is good.

However, there are many things that I found disturbing. And that seems like a contradiction but it's not - the musical is a perfect reflection of Kuroshitsuji, it's the gensaku I find deeply problematic. And there's no helping it as those aspects are integral to the whole Kuroshitsuji franchise. First of all, the whole thing is incredibly dark and perverse, which is of course in line with the original works. I can't get over the very Japanese blend of gore and comedy, often switching within seconds. But I'm not even talking about violence, there are other things.

I cringe a little at the way there's always a cross-dressing scene in every musical without fail, a young boy in a dress, bound with a rope. A sadly persistent pattern in Japanese media. In this one it's especially disturbing, as Ciel is explicitly molested by the viscount, despite being 12 and looking 10. The homoeroticism is ever-persitent but always only implied, which is basically queerbaiting. Most of it is very abnormal too - either involving a 12 year old boy or a crazy gay killer.

The female villain seems well-written at first glance but that's just the actress' charm, if you look at it, she's a typical crazy bitch that went insane over the loss of a man and her female attributes. Can't a woman find another reason to kill?

The character of Lau feels racist, though in a very twisted way as if viewed through the eyes of Englishmen. The actor's make-up emphasizes his narrow eyes and he seems like a caricature from a Victorian newspaper.

Then there's of course Grell who is well-loved but also sadly stereotypical. He is the classic Japanese 'okama' who is very feminine and very annoying. Uehara Takuya as Grell is perfect and a joy to watch but he is absolutely meant to be laughed at and the way Sebastian is explicitly disgusted by him in this musical in particular sets a sad precedent. And sure, in this musical he is the villain, the murderer but it is his flirting that Sebastian reacts to.

Basically, many of these tropes are old and trite, repackaged and used over and over again. Some of the characters are very fresh and original, like the Undertaker and the detective, but I can't help but see the issues with all of these things.

@темы: Kuroshitsuji

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Self-esteem

Self-esteem is a strange thing. It's good to have it but bad to have too much. And I always preferred people who have a good self-esteem. Or so I thought. Recently I realized that many people I admire the most have a low self-esteem.

I noticed that those who have confidence, who think they are good as it is often settle for less. They have no incentive to grow, no incentive to become self-conscious. Attractive and charismatic people do not have to make much effort to be likeable. they take things for granted.

Take Tegoshi, for instance. I realized that the things I like the most about him are his beauty and his strength. But I hate his smugness, his selfishness and shallowness - the constant need to be the best. In the end it's not what you have but what you do with it. If all you do comes down to showing off and succeeding for the sake of it, it's just boring.

It reminds me of Jaejoong in a way. I had so much respect for him, how hard he fought to get where he is and how kind he was to everyone, almost motherly. But I loved him in TVXQ and JYJ. I don't like who he became as a solo artist. Most of his music is mediocre rock. Though some of it is good, overall the imagery is very corny and he does not have taste. I used to want him to sing rock but now I think he would be better off with good pop instead. He also became even more vain, using his face on every cover. He also hangs out with people like Pi who to me embody that very shallowness. Meanwhile, the people whose names he tattooed on his back are nowhere to be seen. He doesn't even mention his problematic 'soulmate' and Junsu. And then there was the terrible Covid prank. I just can't bring myself to even like him anymore.

One of the people I respect the most is Shou, who never had the best voice but worked his ass off to get better. It was the same with his looks. Although of course he was beautiful to begin with, he didn't feel it. He also gradually took most of the control over the band's activity despite not being the leader type. He is always humble and he had to earn his self-respect through hard work. Only now he is finally able to take compliments.

Then there's Shige who I would probably not like half as much were I to know him 10+ years ago. I deeply relate to him on many levels. Although in old shows he comes across as arrogant and snobbish kid, it was actually a cover-up to conceal his insecurity. He knew he was smart but not much apart from that. He wanted to be admired but wasn't sure if he deserved it. Over the years, he not only improved his singing, his music writing and other skills, he also became a better person. He really could have become a selfish prick, but he was able to subdue his ego and really appreciate his work and other people.

Although I never really had low self-esteem or self-hate, I struggled with my big ego. By being self-conscious and trying to avoid being partonizing, I became a kinder, more considerate person. I know I still have issues with it but at least I am aware of them and keep it in check.

@темы: musings, essay

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"What he realized, and more clearly as time went on, was that money-worship has been elevated into a religion. Perhaps it is the only real religion — the only really felt religion — that is left to us. Money is what God used to be. Good and evil have no meaning any longer except failure and success."

"He did not hate and despise his relatives now — or not so much, at any rate. They still depressed him greatly — those poor old withering aunts and uncles, of whom two or three had already died, his father, worn out and spiritless, his mother, faded, nervy, and ‘delicate’ (her lungs were none too strong), Julia, already, at one-and-twenty, a dutiful, resigned drudge who worked twelve hours a day and never had a decent frock. But he grasped now what was the matter with them. It was not merely the lack of money. It was rather that, having no money, they still lived mentally in the money-world — the world in which money is virtue and poverty is crime. It was not poverty but the down-dragging of respectable poverty that had done for them. They had accepted the money-code, and by that code they were failures. They had never had the sense to lash out and just live, money or no money, as the lower classes do. How right the lower classes are! Hats off to the factory lad who with fourpence in the world puts his girl in the family way! At least he's got blood and not money in his veins."

I'd just finished reading 'Keep the Aspidistra Flying'. It's only been 12 years since I meant to. But what significance does time have? The cursed novel was published in 1934! It's unbearable how relevant it is. That job I almost took a year ago, the one that would let me led a semi-normal life, bask in lower middle-class comfort. It was exactly as disgusting as the New Albion one. I am still resisting the money god but I know if things get really bad I will have to submit.

The book is nothing like the movie and it really annoys me. That frivolous little adaptation! So witty and ironic and even the dialogue is completely made up. The book is raw and ugly and depressing.