18:35 

Every Day It's a New Shitstorm

_Aya_
I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It's been about 2 months now that I have gotten seriously pissed with Tegoshi. And while it happened several times before this time it was different, it was a deeper disappointment and it never quite disappeared, washing over me and taking a large portion of my love for NEWS with it. I got over it soon enough but nothing was ever quite the same. My "maybe I'm leaving" posts on tumblr are getting old and people might think I'm just being dramatic but it's not like that, really. I go on but only because I have nothing better to do and because I'm afraid to let go. It's almost like an old marriage: the feeling is disappearing but I still try to convince myself it can be fixed and rekindled.

And then there, of course, are the scandals. The last month has been a fucking drag. First Koyama, then Tegoshi, Tegoshi and more Tegoshi. Koyama's made me just plain mad. Nobody should say a bad word about this wonderful man, he just doesn't deserve it. Thankfully, he seems to be in good standing in JE so he should be fine. And Tegoshi's... are driving me crazy. On one hand, they also make me mad becasue honestly in all of the "scandalous" bits of info released lately, there was absolutely nothing really incriminating. Even the latest article, which might have well been 100% made up. But if you assume it's true, there's absolutely nothing shocking in it, all of it is easy to believe. Partying, drinking and sleeping around once in a while is what adult men do. There's nothing wrong with it unless they deceive or abuse women which is clearly not the case. But what kind of bitch would do that to him after meeting over 30 times? Tegoshi's real problem is a lack of judgement. But it feels like someone is out to ruin his career and that always has a chance to drag the whole band down.

His reaction to those scandals, however, has been truthfully dumb. The more he tried to explain himself, the more attention to brings to it. And it's irritating how people find it somehow "brave" and admirable when I think it's just selfish and dumb. Besides, the whole ticket issue didn't bother me until me denied it altogether and that was annoying becasue clearly it doesn't add up. At this point I'm just tired of it all, more than anything.

I try to make at least a few posts per day but in the end it feels like more of a habit than joy. Even my excitement for Prince was brief, it seems to be gone now. But then I don't feel excited about anything, really, as of late and that's the saddest part. I'm not sad even, just numb. Maybe all of this is just a part of my depression, I still hope I can light up at some point, that not all is lost. I want to be creepily excited like all those fans, I want to be slightly in love with Tegoshi like I used to be, but the more time passes the less likely that seems to be.


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The Diary of a Graphomaniac

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