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Записи с темой: fandom (список заголовков)
18:35 

Every Day It's a New Shitstorm

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It's been about 2 months now that I have gotten seriously pissed with Tegoshi. And while it happened several times before this time it was different, it was a deeper disappointment and it never quite disappeared, washing over me and taking a large portion of my love for NEWS with it. I got over it soon enough but nothing was ever quite the same. My "maybe I'm leaving" posts on tumblr are getting old and people might think I'm just being dramatic but it's not like that, really. I go on but only because I have nothing better to do and because I'm afraid to let go. It's almost like an old marriage: the feeling is disappearing but I still try to convince myself it can be fixed and rekindled.

And then there, of course, are the scandals. The last month has been a fucking drag. First Koyama, then Tegoshi, Tegoshi and more Tegoshi. Koyama's made me just plain mad. Nobody should say a bad word about this wonderful man, he just doesn't deserve it. Thankfully, he seems to be in good standing in JE so he should be fine. And Tegoshi's... are driving me crazy. On one hand, they also make me mad becasue honestly in all of the "scandalous" bits of info released lately, there was absolutely nothing really incriminating. Even the latest article, which might have well been 100% made up. But if you assume it's true, there's absolutely nothing shocking in it, all of it is easy to believe. Partying, drinking and sleeping around once in a while is what adult men do. There's nothing wrong with it unless they deceive or abuse women which is clearly not the case. But what kind of bitch would do that to him after meeting over 30 times? Tegoshi's real problem is a lack of judgement. But it feels like someone is out to ruin his career and that always has a chance to drag the whole band down.

His reaction to those scandals, however, has been truthfully dumb. The more he tried to explain himself, the more attention to brings to it. And it's irritating how people find it somehow "brave" and admirable when I think it's just selfish and dumb. Besides, the whole ticket issue didn't bother me until me denied it altogether and that was annoying becasue clearly it doesn't add up. At this point I'm just tired of it all, more than anything.

I try to make at least a few posts per day but in the end it feels like more of a habit than joy. Even my excitement for Prince was brief, it seems to be gone now. But then I don't feel excited about anything, really, as of late and that's the saddest part. I'm not sad even, just numb. Maybe all of this is just a part of my depression, I still hope I can light up at some point, that not all is lost. I want to be creepily excited like all those fans, I want to be slightly in love with Tegoshi like I used to be, but the more time passes the less likely that seems to be.


Related Articles:
graphicabyss.tumblr.com/post/159573525954/why-i...

@темы: musings, fandom

03:50 

Might As Well

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I like the NEWS fandom. It's nice and sweet and supportive and very naive. I don't know, sometimes it makes me uncomfortable how excited and dedicated everyone is. And it's not even just the younger kids, but even those who are in their 20's. I almost start to wonder if it's just me that's so broken. I guess TVXQ was the biggest change for me. I gave too much of myself, invested too much and my heart was broken. Even though I love Alice Nine and I love NEWS, in the end I have a much practical approach.

Sure you can talk lave and trust and dedication but in the end if you look at in in a more pragmatic way it's just trade. They are artists who sell their image and they live from that, from their fans. And we buy it trying to fill in some emptiness inside. I used to be so emotionally involved before but now when shit goes down often my immediate reaction is to emotionally distance myself from it to avoid pain. That's how it was with Yoochunnie too. It doesn't always work and in the end I often deal with it later but I do not feel bad for not empathizing with every drama. They sure as hell don't share mine, so why should I? And I used to disapprove of fans leaving TVXQ, fleeting like rats from a sinking ship to pursue other, younger bands but now I understand.

@темы: fandom, musings

20:04 

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I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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14:40 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
In the end, it's always the hate that gets to you, not sympathy. Another breakdown, another hiatus. It's been almost 2 years, the critical mass of a fandom's total weight. This really was my last hope but no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I try to please everyone it's just no use. When time spent off begins to get close to the time spent on, the end is near.

@темы: fandom

02:18 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I don't even feel like writing about White yet. Nor the video. Also all the other frustrating things.

I've been in this fandom for nearly a year and a half. Quite a time. Even if it still feels like I barely got here. My last fandom lasted a year and 5 months. I felt like it ended prematurely and unfortunately but in the end I exhausted 98% of the resources and I really didn't like the way their music was going. I wonder if it's time for me to move on soon. Next time I should really find a band whose music I can actually enjoy without having to convince myself.

@темы: fandom

04:03 

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I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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16:43 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
There was a time I actually picked bands based on music... But my last 3 fandoms it's mostly "New song? Well, 'let's hope it doesn't suck too bad and I can convince myself I actually kind of like it."

In other musings, lately I keep questioning if my feminism is too strong, am I overreacting when I get pissed off at NEWS for saying things? But then I think back to my 4 years as a TVXQ fan and I don't think I ever had this problem with them. Well, maybe Changmin a few times but I never liked him enough to care much.

@темы: fandom, issues

02:26 

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I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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00:26 

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01:20 

Fandoms and Icons

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
The NEWS Fandom still remains suspiciously nice. After all that went down in A9 fandom... Every time I get an inbox message I still think “hate mail” but it’s nothing but kind words and asks and I’m relieved. It almost feels like a functional relationship after an abusive one. I’ve only been active here for about half a year but I’ve gotten so much support and it means a lot to me.

Also it seems like my sister's logo design is rubbing off on me. Some time ago I got a great idea for a JYJ OT3 but I never came around to realizing it, it was too late. However, yesterday I suddenly got this idea to make a Tegoshige logo. I made it today and was very pleased with myself but then I thought I might as well make an OT4 logo - a Member Ai one. And not only the shapes came together beautifully, they make perfect sense in terms of the members' roles. IT IS PERFECT. I'm a genious. Once again.

 photo tegoshigeIcon.jpg photo MemberAiNEWS.jpg

@музыка: Ellie Goulding - Lights (FK Remix)

@темы: NEWS., fandom

02:01 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
In a desperate attempt to find new doors or at least windows I conducted a grand search.

I did go through over 1000 names. Of course I didn't watch all of them, I used certain criteria. I was mostly interested in local diaries or at least someone with similar interests and age. But only about a half write their location, many don't have a diary, or have an empty diary or abandoned it long ago. Or closed, yeah. And sometimes I skipped just looking at an icon. I skipped everyone with YamaPi or Homin. Not because I hate them but rather than it implies something about the owner so we probably won't get on well.

In the process I confirmed my suspicions: If it's NEWS that means: 60% Pi, 25% Ryo and maybe 7& Tegoshi. While if it's KAT-TUN it's 95% Amake and 5% Ueda. If it's TVXQ then it's 70% Jaejoong and 30% Homin. I dunno, it's just so boring. And a little stinging.

End result: nothing. I knew the chance was slim so I regret nothing. It is pretty sad though.

@темы: fandom

15:29 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...


Just documenting this for history since it might never happen again. So far the NEWS fandom has been nice to me. It might prove me wrong but for now it's the first stage of innocent romance with no heartbreak.

@темы: fandom

17:15 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I kind of accepted my fallout with the A9 fandom. I mean of course NEWS is not a proper replacement but for now they keep me entertained and that's enough. In the end within 2,5 years I exhausted like 98% of all A9 resources.

What does bother me, however is that I'd lost my best OTP and with it my writing. I really got into it in the past year and my new story was well on its way. Now It's stuck there with all of my other A9 and JYJ drafts, waiting, hoping its time will still come one day.

@темы: fandom

00:02 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Как-то ненароком меня затянуло обратно в ДБСК фандом. Нет, я не хочу туда. Вспоминая первые 2 года... столько радости я не получала от всех моих групп вместе взятых. Но этого больше никогда не будет. Я надеялась, что пройдет время и люди успокоятся, но черта с два. По-прежнему куча грязи и разборки по любым мелочам. Мне уже давно плевать кто прав и кто виноват. Никто никогда не узнает всей правды. Я просто хочу получать радость от фандома, а не спорить с пеной у рта чей оппа лучше. Я так устала...

@темы: fandom

15:33 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
After all that's happened 2 weeks ago... I thought I would recover normally but it's not happening. It not only made me not want to translate anything or share anything at all. It effectively dulled my interest in the band (I haven't listened to a single song in these 3 weeks), completely killed the inspiration for all the stories I have been writing, marred the completion of the video I've been working on for a year and lessened my faith in humanity. My life is full of shit as it is. I have health problems, money problems, family problems and relationship problems. The only thing that made me happy was fandom. I can't afford to be in a fandom that does this to me.

I really hope I can find it in me to find the love for this amazing band again and finish my precious stories. But one thing is clear: nothing will ever be the same for me.

Should I change the tag 'fandom' to 'fandom sucks'?

@темы: fandom

19:07 

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01:57 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I'm kinda like a ronin... a fan without a fandom. It's kinda lonely but also a little liberating.

@темы: fandom, musings

02:32 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I hate fandoms. I hate being a fan. I'm sick of this shit. How do I retire?

@темы: fandom

01:02 

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17:15 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I try not to bitch but it's really hard. I guess I came to the fandom at the wrong time. I mean I worked so hard on my video and I have 19 views and 1 dislike. I browsed a little and saw that some 4-5 years ago even the lamest fanvideos got tens of thousands of views and comments got up to hundreds of thousands.

I just don't know. Back in 2007 at my 1st youtube account my most popular fanvideo video had fucking 43.000+ views. Livejournal seems to be so abandoned as well. It all just makes me really sad and I can't help it.

@темы: fandom

The Diary of a Graphomaniac

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