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Записи с темой: musings (список заголовков)
18:35 

Every Day It's a New Shitstorm

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It's been about 2 months now that I have gotten seriously pissed with Tegoshi. And while it happened several times before this time it was different, it was a deeper disappointment and it never quite disappeared, washing over me and taking a large portion of my love for NEWS with it. I got over it soon enough but nothing was ever quite the same. My "maybe I'm leaving" posts on tumblr are getting old and people might think I'm just being dramatic but it's not like that, really. I go on but only because I have nothing better to do and because I'm afraid to let go. It's almost like an old marriage: the feeling is disappearing but I still try to convince myself it can be fixed and rekindled.

And then there, of course, are the scandals. The last month has been a fucking drag. First Koyama, then Tegoshi, Tegoshi and more Tegoshi. Koyama's made me just plain mad. Nobody should say a bad word about this wonderful man, he just doesn't deserve it. Thankfully, he seems to be in good standing in JE so he should be fine. And Tegoshi's... are driving me crazy. On one hand, they also make me mad becasue honestly in all of the "scandalous" bits of info released lately, there was absolutely nothing really incriminating. Even the latest article, which might have well been 100% made up. But if you assume it's true, there's absolutely nothing shocking in it, all of it is easy to believe. Partying, drinking and sleeping around once in a while is what adult men do. There's nothing wrong with it unless they deceive or abuse women which is clearly not the case. But what kind of bitch would do that to him after meeting over 30 times? Tegoshi's real problem is a lack of judgement. But it feels like someone is out to ruin his career and that always has a chance to drag the whole band down.

His reaction to those scandals, however, has been truthfully dumb. The more he tried to explain himself, the more attention to brings to it. And it's irritating how people find it somehow "brave" and admirable when I think it's just selfish and dumb. Besides, the whole ticket issue didn't bother me until me denied it altogether and that was annoying becasue clearly it doesn't add up. At this point I'm just tired of it all, more than anything.

I try to make at least a few posts per day but in the end it feels like more of a habit than joy. Even my excitement for Prince was brief, it seems to be gone now. But then I don't feel excited about anything, really, as of late and that's the saddest part. I'm not sad even, just numb. Maybe all of this is just a part of my depression, I still hope I can light up at some point, that not all is lost. I want to be creepily excited like all those fans, I want to be slightly in love with Tegoshi like I used to be, but the more time passes the less likely that seems to be.


Related Articles:
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@темы: musings, fandom

03:50 

Might As Well

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I like the NEWS fandom. It's nice and sweet and supportive and very naive. I don't know, sometimes it makes me uncomfortable how excited and dedicated everyone is. And it's not even just the younger kids, but even those who are in their 20's. I almost start to wonder if it's just me that's so broken. I guess TVXQ was the biggest change for me. I gave too much of myself, invested too much and my heart was broken. Even though I love Alice Nine and I love NEWS, in the end I have a much practical approach.

Sure you can talk lave and trust and dedication but in the end if you look at in in a more pragmatic way it's just trade. They are artists who sell their image and they live from that, from their fans. And we buy it trying to fill in some emptiness inside. I used to be so emotionally involved before but now when shit goes down often my immediate reaction is to emotionally distance myself from it to avoid pain. That's how it was with Yoochunnie too. It doesn't always work and in the end I often deal with it later but I do not feel bad for not empathizing with every drama. They sure as hell don't share mine, so why should I? And I used to disapprove of fans leaving TVXQ, fleeting like rats from a sinking ship to pursue other, younger bands but now I understand.

@темы: fandom, musings

02:46 

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16:25 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
"One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman. No biological, psychological or economic fate determines the figure that the human female presents in society; it is civilization as a whole that produces this creature … which is described as feminine." Simone de Beauvoir



Cross-dressing is nothing new but somehow watching the recent SCP made me think about a lot of things. For one, it I really felt that femininity is mostly a social construct. Both Koyama and Shige were taught to enter a female frame of mind but in the end that’s just an image of a female frame of mind.

In the case of Shige, he tried to become onnagata which is a traditional role in Kabuki theatre. Since women were forbidden to act in theatre, onnagata were men who consistently played female roles. It wasn’t about just looking pretty, it was about bringing out the feminine aura, in gestures and language. It was about becoming “more feminine than a woman”. Which is actually kind of absurd if you think about it. An apple can be fresh or rotten, red or green but it can’t be more or less of an apple.

I think femininity is a set of features that men find desirable in a woman. No girl naturally smells like flowers, no girl is born with good manners or elegant language, these things are taught to us. Of course, some are naturally closer to the ideal, more beautiful or graceful, but in the end nobody is born a lady, just like nobody is born a gentleman. Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed the segment and I’m glad everyone had fun. It’s just that… when you think about it, it was two men teaching another two men how to be women and that’s pretty damn odd.

Masculinity always celebrated more universal human virtues - strength, courage, decisiveness, self-control. Men could have personalities, women were mostly expected to be pretty dolls.

The problem is not in the virtues itself though, but in the fact that those virtues are divided into two pools and you must have one corresponding to your gender. And even if a man, for instance, has all the right virtues of a man but also some of a woman he might be punished and mocked for those extra virtues. For years my sister was making fun of my Japanese and Korean artists saying she couldn't take them seriously because of their looks and manners and it always made me angry. I mean you don't have to find everyone personally attractive, in a way it's similar to men who mock unattractive women becasue they find no other value in them. The worst part though is that someone like Jaejoong is more of a man you could ever hope to see. Leaving home at the age of 14, working odd jobs and enduring a million hardships to pursue his dream and help support his family. Is there anything more manly than that? And yet all people noted was his face and his manners and motherly warmth.

You are taught to believe that masculine and feminine are opposites like light and dark, Sun and Moon, Ying and Yang, but now I realize those are just illusions. Light and Dark are not opposites - dark is just the absence of light. Sun and Moon are not opposites - Sun is a star and Moon is just a satellite. Masculinity and femininity are not mutually exclusive. It's something Japanese men made me realize. You could be both strong and gentle and you can be neither.

I'm not saying we should abolish gender altogether, but we certainly should relax its boundaries. I just wish the virtues were common for everyone and we celebrated a woman's strength as much as her beauty and a man's nurturing nature as much as his courage.

@темы: musings, i'm a geek

17:33 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I'm so sentimental today, I nearly cried at a cartoon of a runaway refrigerator. I dunno, if it's hormones getting weird of something. I wonder if this is how normal girls feel.

@музыка: PJ Harvey - A Place Called Home (Live)

@темы: myself, musings

20:04 

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23:46 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I've always been alienated. In so many ways. In my childhood I was shy and was mostly keeping to myself though it's not like I felt lonely, I was fine and people got very disappointing very early. Then, as I got just a little older, I became a fan. First it was CN, then TV shows and music and since 16 bands. Since then I felt alienated from people who weren't fans. Later I found some like-minded people but it only lasted a couple of years. Since I lost everyone who I considered friends, it's been hard once again. People my age are living very different lives and my fandomness is a kind of a dirty secret. Then of course there's my mental issues so make that two secrets. Lately I feel even more alienated because now even fandom doesn't make me feel connected. I'm nothing like the normal fans: I don't like the band's music, I don't want to go to their concert and I always keep a certain emotional distance from it. I also try to keep my thoughts to myself to avoid hurting anyone. But at the end of the day, all that matters is keeping myself sane.

@темы: myself, musings

18:45 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
They say you never forget your first love. I suppose it's especially true if you never have a second. God, I just wish these dreams stopped.

@темы: musings

17:02 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
One of the reasons I always felt so lonely was that on one hand I've been depressed and unhappy all of my life so I couldn't connect with people who never felt that way but on the other hand, I never really hated myself, never hurt myself and never considered suicide so I don't feel connected to that demographic either. Through years of hard work and patience I made my skin thicker, I learned to deal with my moods and I know how to handle life better. But I don't think I can really help anyone who's struggling because in the end everyone has to find their own way. The one thing that didn't let me give up was that no matter how bad it gets, at the end of the day I still love life, even if it hates me.

@темы: myself, musings

21:31 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
If I were an anthropologist as I wanted to be, my current thesis would be “The perceived heteronormativity in Japanese and Korean boy bands.” Or it that more gender studies stuff? Anyway, I am quite fascinated by it. I mean this isn't new to me but lately as I read MC accounts from tour reports and remember all the previous instances I am amazed by how far guys can go while still maintaining their perceived heterosexuality.

Tegoshi likes getting into showers with men and apparently enjoys some discreet touching of private parts and naked hugging. He also is used to kissing on the lips once drunk and probably clinging to supposedly familiar men. He clearly enjoys male attention rather than feeling awkward like many would. But I'm sure he would never admit to bisexuality, let alone consider a homosexual relationship.

Then there's Jaejoong who also clings to his friends while drunk, kisses them. And Junsu who likes groping other guys's butts. Of course, these are just the things that got public, I'm sure there's a lot more that we don't know about. At any rate, all of that behaviour is somehow categorized as male bonding and a part of normal heterosexuality.

@темы: musings, issues

03:09 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
The best part of getting older is you stop giving a fuck about shit. The worst part of getting older is you stop giving a fuck about shit.

@темы: one-liner, musings

00:21 

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01:23 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I don't even know what to do with his diary. It's clearly obsolete and yet I can't let go of it. I don't write anything personal on tumblr and Twiter is a joke so I guess here is a place to say the things I feel like saying. Which is not much lately. I used to want to write about everything, every album and concert and every random idea but lately I can't be bothered. But since I'm writing this anyway, I might as well.

February sucked a lot and March started out terribly. I am sort of busy with job but the truth is this isn't why I haven't posted anything lately. In fact, when I got a job I thought it was a good timing since I didn't feel like doing anything either way. I have one of those terrible periods where I can't seem to care about anything, my only distinct emotion being dread. I've been generally unemotional for months now but these past few weeks it got much worse. I wasn't ready for it. I didn't know how to deal with it. I mean even at my worst, even when I was crushed I had my music and my fandoms to pick me up but now I can't even care about that. I've watched some things, of course, and I mildly enjoyed them but I couldn't be bothered to post anything and for me that is abnormal. Over the last several years I've realized the me I knew could change in many ways and still remain me. I've changed my habits, my tastes and my patters. But I am not really to lose my excitement. People say bands keep them going, bands save them and stuff. For me it was never the bands, or the series. Not really. It was my excitability. The way I could get happy about small things, the way I could get passionate about things. If I lose that, I don't know how I shall go on.

I truly hope it's just a phase, that it's a Spring depression. Today it was sunny for a while and I got a little bit of energy to do something. I felt strong. I seemed to feel some slight joy stirring somewhere deep beneath the surface. But now it's gone. It doesn't help that the job is stressful as hell. You'd think being indifferent would disable you to get stressed but somehow it doesn't. I mean some bad things pass me by but so do good things. I get annoyed a lot. At things, at people, at my body that refuses to cooperate. I just want to want things again. I just want to feel something other that pain and anger.

Before I always found refuge in the fandom. Images, videos, writing and discussing. Now I look at my stories and it seems surreal I wrote them. I really am unsure I can do that again. I took a step back from the fandom hoping it would pull me back in but so far its not really trying and the more time passes the harder it would be to come back.

@темы: musings, myself

03:47 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Sometimes I feel like a sad alien sent to Earth. I learned to act like humans but still so confused. I'm constantly like "Wait, this guy is supposed to be hot. Ok, noted" "So people think this song is great. Interesting."

@темы: myself, musings

02:01 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I keep translating things but I mostly stick to short snippets. Of course, those short snippets aren't all just funny or questionable, some really make me think.

Tegoshi pisses me off a lot but also he's a great hypocrisy meter. When I weight his words I try to understand why they anger me, how I feel on the matter and what the difference is. A lot of the time it's not about the meaning but rather the wording. Say, preferences is one thing but forcing your preferences on people is another. Disliking something is one thing but acting superior towards people who like that thing is another. Tegoshi often talks about admiring people with a "high sense of aesthetics". And of course, I value that too. Though in most of the Western world, a man looks passable if at least wears fairly clean clothes and doesn't smell too bad, my standard is very high. I like men who make the effort to look good. But that only applies to potential partners and very few would pass the basic face control. That sounds harsh but I don't force it upon anyone. It's either there or not. It's very different from making your personal standards known to all the fans who in reality would never have to meet them.

I think what makes me a good person is that constant reality check, seeking to find the balance and be true to myself.

Also this quote I translated:

Kato: I want to be praised but when I’m actually praised, I feel troubled. Especially when I get compliments regarding my looks, I feel uncomfortable. I mean of course I’m glad and it’s better than people speaking ill of me but I hate it when people disregard my feelings on the matter. (laugh) It really happened a lot during middle school. There would be things in magazines like “special feature on the fresh crop of future ikemen” and I’d get 5 stars. I’d think “I see, I see, so I’ll become an ikemen?” (laugh) This isn’t about looks… For example, when I’m told “In that recent show you were really interesting” such a praise makes me very very happy.

Wink Up, 2015.12

A half of me is like “Aaaw, bb doesn’t want to be objectified!” and the other half is like “Shut up and just admit you’re hot”. But later I realized I understand what he really means. I never really knew how to react to compliments regarding my looks. I never really wanted to be told I'm pretty or cute, I suppose I even dreaded it. Not like I've been told that often but I never longed for that.

It wasn't about just looks either. I never particularly felt the need to be liked. Rather than being liked, I wanted to be respected. I guess I was very luck to have a high level of self-esteem very early on, maybe even too high, but at least I never felt the need to have other people's approval. Say, being told I'm smart doesn't really make me happy. I know I'm smart, so what? The real satisfaction comes from appreciation of the things that I did, especially the things I worked hard on. I suppose my personality is also one of them though because forging my personality is the biggest hardest work in my life.

@темы: musings, myself

16:54 

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I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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15:54 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
The saddest thing with friends is that you may think it’s all good but you never know when you fall apart.

You may have a good friend who’s incredibly nice to you for years and is one of the nicest people you know but then at one point it happens that you disagree on something important and all hell breaks loose and suddenly they throw angry insults at you...

You may have a person whose life you have changed and who you see as an ally while one day they suddenly claim they hate you you refuse to even explain why...

You may have a person who is really fucked up but closer to you than anyone and who you’re willing to really sacrifice a lot for no matter how much they hurt you but in the end realizing they were dragging you down and destroying you from the inside...

You may have a person who you don’t like all that much but who keeps supporting you in the hard times and gives you new hope but they leave one day, moving on with their lives where there’s no space for you anymore...

I have no friends. Not anymore.

@темы: musings

15:36 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I have expanded my mind and now I no longer think the WHITE album is terrible. It's actually kinda fun. My consciousness has passed some great threshold, I can tell.

@темы: musings, NEWS.

19:52 

Sharing is caring or Thank you, Jo

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
 photo IMG_5581.jpg

This is a pile of mail and cards I received over the years. Some came from very far, some not too far and some handed personally. I don't keep in touch with most to the senders but I shall always remember them.

After all, the overseas packages hold a special meaning. The first two I got from a woman named Joanne. I didn't know her, never talked to her before. Then we shared a fandom of a British rock band. It was 10 years ago so dial-up internet was my curse. It was very hard to get any information, even music or videos. Once someone posted a PV of about 30 MB and it took me hours to download. As I mentioned it, she wrote to me. She said she'll gladly send me a few CDs and she did. I could hardly believe it. Later, she got her hands on a big collection of videos on 16 CDs that had concerts, performances and tv-appearances and she sent me those that I wanted. It was a real treasure. She payed the delivery too which was pretty expensive but she never asked for anything in return. Of course, I sent something to her too. At that time I was really touched, it felt like a favour I could never repay and I felt endlessly grateful. I don't really listen to that band now but I still have both packages (the two thick manila ones) and I shall never forget Joanne. It wasn't even about someone caring enough to do that for me. It was restoring faith in humanity, really.

Since then I received some more, especially last year. I received about 5 packages from far away lands, mostly through giveaways. The year was tough but having something to look forward to as I waited for the packages to arrive really helped. They were just cards but they made me happy. The envelopes almost felt warm in my hands. Then, there appeared another person who just offered a valuable present that I could never afford myself. I felt very touched and very appreciated and glad there are people like that in the world.

Sometimes little things like that, random acts of kindness really mean the world. It's not about giving someone what they want, it's making them know you care. I keep almost all of the packages I ever got, even the old and big and ragged ones. I can't bring myself to throw them away. To me they are filled with care and kindness and when I look at them I feel hopeful.

@темы: people, musings

03:03 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
There are days when you feel good and inspired and strong and then there are days when you feel tired and lonely and bitchy and weak. Like today. The mistake is deciding the latter is the real you. I really wish someone told me this when I was a teen. Even now, when I know the truth I still get caught in the trap sometimes. I still hesitate "but isn't this how it is, really?" It's ok, we'll get through this, dear.

@темы: musings, myself

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