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02:46 

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I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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19:52 

Sharing is caring or Thank you, Jo

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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This is a pile of mail and cards I received over the years. Some came from very far, some not too far and some handed personally. I don't keep in touch with most to the senders but I shall always remember them.

After all, the overseas packages hold a special meaning. The first two I got from a woman named Joanne. I didn't know her, never talked to her before. Then we shared a fandom of a British rock band. It was 10 years ago so dial-up internet was my curse. It was very hard to get any information, even music or videos. Once someone posted a PV of about 30 MB and it took me hours to download. As I mentioned it, she wrote to me. She said she'll gladly send me a few CDs and she did. I could hardly believe it. Later, she got her hands on a big collection of videos on 16 CDs that had concerts, performances and tv-appearances and she sent me those that I wanted. It was a real treasure. She payed the delivery too which was pretty expensive but she never asked for anything in return. Of course, I sent something to her too. At that time I was really touched, it felt like a favour I could never repay and I felt endlessly grateful. I don't really listen to that band now but I still have both packages (the two thick manila ones) and I shall never forget Joanne. It wasn't even about someone caring enough to do that for me. It was restoring faith in humanity, really.

Since then I received some more, especially last year. I received about 5 packages from far away lands, mostly through giveaways. The year was tough but having something to look forward to as I waited for the packages to arrive really helped. They were just cards but they made me happy. The envelopes almost felt warm in my hands. Then, there appeared another person who just offered a valuable present that I could never afford myself. I felt very touched and very appreciated and glad there are people like that in the world.

Sometimes little things like that, random acts of kindness really mean the world. It's not about giving someone what they want, it's making them know you care. I keep almost all of the packages I ever got, even the old and big and ragged ones. I can't bring myself to throw them away. To me they are filled with care and kindness and when I look at them I feel hopeful.

@темы: people, musings

22:47 

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I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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22:54 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I had a nearly 2,5 skype talk with Paola. She's really nice and smart. It was good although exhausting. Except I found myself staring at myself most of the time.

@темы: people

15:49 

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I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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23:11 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It might as well be my worst day in the fandom. I simply don't know where I went wrong, what I did to deserve this. I fought with at least 5 people within the last few days, it's like everything just came tumbling down. I know I have my flaws, but I didn't deserve any of this. The more I try, the worse it gets. I get loads of shit for no reason at all. I was used to anon hate but lately I get personalized hate. It culminated today with a sweet little chat with Florpotter who turned out to be a two-faced bitch. It hurt you know, it really hurt like hell. Reminded me of that one rel-life incident that happened to me a few years ago with a person who used to be my friend. There were also some nice people, people who sent me encouraging messages and it was nice but somehow it never really fixes the hurt.

I guess I'll try to get off tumblr at least for a few days. See how empty the dash gets. Try to concentrate on work, on my own stuff like fics. I have to manage as much.

@темы: people, fandom, angst

18:22 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I can't even keep my online friends, let alone real life ones. Though often it's rather that I don't want to. Like today. But it hurts almost as much. Well, this one was a long time coming. Goodbye, Gabi.

@музыка: PJ Harvey - A Place Called Home (Live)

@темы: fandom, people

22:25 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Today I saw a person whom I have been conversion with online for quite awhile. It shouldn't have been a surprise but it was somehow and not in a good way. It's so weird though. I mean seeing the person totally changes your perception, no matter what. I guess that's why I made it my policy to never post my pictures online unless it's for people who have met me.

Also I wonder when I'm gonna meet my boss. We have a great relationship but I'm a little worried about seeing her. What if she's really cute? That'd be the last thing I need.

@темы: musings, people

00:15 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I just met this girl I knew from school. It's been 10 years and she doesn't look older even a day. We talked for a while and it was nice and all the while I kept telling myself "Don't tell her she looks amazing, it's gonna feel weird." She does though, she looks so young and fresh and completely natural. She was also with this really ugly guy. No surprise here, but damn. What the hell did I do in my last life to deserve this? Why do I have to live in this city where the women are gorgeous and the men are fugly? T__T

@темы: musings, people

04:57 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Had a nice chat with Florpotter. It's good to talk to someone who works hard for the fandom. She seems nice and adequate so far. So anyway, we agreed that she'll sent me some scans from the top secret Fanclub magazine which I'll try to translate.
Apart from that we talked about learning Japanese and she said she'd been learning it for 6 years and they are still at MnN II. And here I thought I'm too slow. So it was kind of encouraging.

@темы: people, fandom, 勉強

23:01 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Went out for the first time in about a month. We talked quite a bit, mostly about myself and my social inability which made me slightly uncomfortable just because I felt like I was complaining which I really wasn't going to. It was ok, I guess but I can't honestly say I enjoyed it. As we parted I wished her a good vacation and somewhat awkwardly patted her arm which I always do when a hug seems inappropriate but suddenly she hugged me and much tighter than casual friends would. As I turned away I couldn't help thinking "Will we ever meet again?" I'm so hopeless.

@темы: people, myself

00:54 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Internet friendships are so fragile - easy to make, easy to break. People drift away so easily. I've made about 5 of them last year and now there's only one person left and even that mostly due to the fandom. Then again, any friendship has expiry date.

@темы: people, musings

00:18 

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I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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21:50 

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I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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01:31 

THIS TOO.

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...

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:weep3:

@музыка: Luna Sea - Rain

@темы: crack, people

15:42 

THIS.

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Oh. My. God. All of the feels...





I love this woman. She is so awesome. I enjoyed the report so much as if I'd been there myself and all the impersonations... OMG, it was SO funny. And weird. Seriously, what even...?
Also. Every time I think I can't love Shou more, he thoroughly proves me more. He is the most precious man ever, seriously.
Anyway, now that I know he will read my message, I am happy thinking about it. I really wanted to do it. Thank you, Ashleigh!

@темы: fandom, Shou, people

01:17 

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I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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The Diary of a Graphomaniac

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