• ↓
  • ↑
  • ⇑
 
Записи с темой: myself (список заголовков)
23:39 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I've been on this really strict diet for a month now - no bread, no flour, rice, chocolate or coffee, chicken and much more. I got through it, it was hard but I endured hoping it would get better but today after a check-up the diet wasn't cut, it only got more severe - now I can't have any milk, sugar or eggs either. I was so proud of myself but this is getting really hard, not to mention all the other prescriptions. It's gonna be another long month.

@темы: myself, snapshot

05:49 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Jan 1, 2017

1 AM: It's a brand new year, it's all going to be better. Maybe I won't even get dep-
3 AM: Ah, here it is.

@темы: snapshot, myself

17:33 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I'm so sentimental today, I nearly cried at a cartoon of a runaway refrigerator. I dunno, if it's hormones getting weird of something. I wonder if this is how normal girls feel.

@музыка: PJ Harvey - A Place Called Home (Live)

@темы: myself, musings

23:46 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I've always been alienated. In so many ways. In my childhood I was shy and was mostly keeping to myself though it's not like I felt lonely, I was fine and people got very disappointing very early. Then, as I got just a little older, I became a fan. First it was CN, then TV shows and music and since 16 bands. Since then I felt alienated from people who weren't fans. Later I found some like-minded people but it only lasted a couple of years. Since I lost everyone who I considered friends, it's been hard once again. People my age are living very different lives and my fandomness is a kind of a dirty secret. Then of course there's my mental issues so make that two secrets. Lately I feel even more alienated because now even fandom doesn't make me feel connected. I'm nothing like the normal fans: I don't like the band's music, I don't want to go to their concert and I always keep a certain emotional distance from it. I also try to keep my thoughts to myself to avoid hurting anyone. But at the end of the day, all that matters is keeping myself sane.

@темы: myself, musings

02:42 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It's been really a very fucking hard week, in many ways. The work has been stressful and yet I saw another chance and took it. While the new job still isn't decided on, I talked to my boss and told him I'm planning to leave. I was going to wait but Alisa was very serious about it so I though I owed them that much. It was pretty bold though and I don't regret it in the least. They asked me to work for another 4 weeks and that is not cool tbh, but somehow I'll make it. I'm feeling really badass right now, probably more so that I ever did before in my life. I am really not afraid of any outcome.

@темы: milestone, myself

23:55 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
In other news, lately things aren't any good. The only thing that's good is that I have a good job. It's one thing that makes sense, that is worth putting effort in. Not like I'm an employee of the year and most of my work is pointless but work is money. Right now I'm not sure what to do with the surplus but that is never a concern. For the first time in my life I feel in control. I might feel like shit and have a hundred problems but it's nothing new and I can deal with it. All I can do is take one step at a time and at least now I feel some ground beneath my feet.

@музыка: PJ Harvey - We Float

@темы: myself

17:02 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
One of the reasons I always felt so lonely was that on one hand I've been depressed and unhappy all of my life so I couldn't connect with people who never felt that way but on the other hand, I never really hated myself, never hurt myself and never considered suicide so I don't feel connected to that demographic either. Through years of hard work and patience I made my skin thicker, I learned to deal with my moods and I know how to handle life better. But I don't think I can really help anyone who's struggling because in the end everyone has to find their own way. The one thing that didn't let me give up was that no matter how bad it gets, at the end of the day I still love life, even if it hates me.

@темы: myself, musings

23:32 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Went to the office today to fill some papers since it's been over a month. I am now officially semi-employed. Also legally responsible for sensitive information. A secret agent almost, ha. I walked the crowded Friday evening streets and all the small nuisances could not bring me down. I felt like a semi-functional adult. Almost normal.

@темы: milestone, myself

22:35 

Wild Mood Swings

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It seems like lately I have a pattern of 3 recurring mood stages:

Stage 1: I am deeply annoyed and angry for no particular reason and everything just makes me bitter

Stage 2: I don't give a single shit about anything, good or bad

Stage 3: I am overly excited about something, usually fandom stuff

As a good tradition, after being excited for a few hours and not finding any outlet for it, I pass onto Stage 1.

@темы: myself

20:29 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Retook the Myers–Briggs test. This time I ended up with ISTJ-A. Which frankly makes a lot more sense than ISFJ coz those are supposed to be caring as fuck. But this happened coz my NATURE is almost tied. I read both and both sound familiar. ISTJ creepily describes my work style of the past month but that’s just a small part of what I am.

But the thing is in Socionics I used to identify as INTj which correlates to INTP. I guess I’m fucked when it comes to typology...

@темы: myself

19:25 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I keep waiting for me to go back to the way I used to be but it's been a month and nothing's changed. Maybe I need to start thinking of reinventing myself completely. If things that used to work don't work anymore, I will have to move on and find those that do. I have no idea what to do yet but I'm not really worried. It's a creepy paradox. I'll figure it out somehow.

@музыка: Manic Street Preachers - From Despair To Where

@темы: myself

02:48 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Still mostly numb but somewhere beneath the surface I can feel some dull emotions bubbling. I guess the worst part is over. I somewhat calmed down about the job too. I can clearly see they need me more than I need them. I have also been in less pain though there are several very irritating trends as usual including the lingering gum nerve inflammation and chronic tonsillitis.

But anyway, at least I am considerably less annoyed. Also for several days I have been thinking about my writing. In that state it seemed impossible that I would ever write anything again. However, that changed soon enough. It happened so that I finished translating a Love Story (Tentative) last night. Then I had a dream about my first love. He ignored me as usual. How nostalgic.

But that's no the point. The point is, a week ago I felt dead inside but now there are ideas swirling in my head. Actually, I was indulging myself in bed today as it is Saturday and let my mind drift. It went so well that I actually sat down later today and wrote down a few scenes. Really good ones too. I'm not getting my hopes up but that's already really good. I am a fighter after all.

@темы: myself

00:21 

lock Доступ к записи ограничен

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра

URL
01:23 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I don't even know what to do with his diary. It's clearly obsolete and yet I can't let go of it. I don't write anything personal on tumblr and Twiter is a joke so I guess here is a place to say the things I feel like saying. Which is not much lately. I used to want to write about everything, every album and concert and every random idea but lately I can't be bothered. But since I'm writing this anyway, I might as well.

February sucked a lot and March started out terribly. I am sort of busy with job but the truth is this isn't why I haven't posted anything lately. In fact, when I got a job I thought it was a good timing since I didn't feel like doing anything either way. I have one of those terrible periods where I can't seem to care about anything, my only distinct emotion being dread. I've been generally unemotional for months now but these past few weeks it got much worse. I wasn't ready for it. I didn't know how to deal with it. I mean even at my worst, even when I was crushed I had my music and my fandoms to pick me up but now I can't even care about that. I've watched some things, of course, and I mildly enjoyed them but I couldn't be bothered to post anything and for me that is abnormal. Over the last several years I've realized the me I knew could change in many ways and still remain me. I've changed my habits, my tastes and my patters. But I am not really to lose my excitement. People say bands keep them going, bands save them and stuff. For me it was never the bands, or the series. Not really. It was my excitability. The way I could get happy about small things, the way I could get passionate about things. If I lose that, I don't know how I shall go on.

I truly hope it's just a phase, that it's a Spring depression. Today it was sunny for a while and I got a little bit of energy to do something. I felt strong. I seemed to feel some slight joy stirring somewhere deep beneath the surface. But now it's gone. It doesn't help that the job is stressful as hell. You'd think being indifferent would disable you to get stressed but somehow it doesn't. I mean some bad things pass me by but so do good things. I get annoyed a lot. At things, at people, at my body that refuses to cooperate. I just want to want things again. I just want to feel something other that pain and anger.

Before I always found refuge in the fandom. Images, videos, writing and discussing. Now I look at my stories and it seems surreal I wrote them. I really am unsure I can do that again. I took a step back from the fandom hoping it would pull me back in but so far its not really trying and the more time passes the harder it would be to come back.

@темы: musings, myself

03:47 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Sometimes I feel like a sad alien sent to Earth. I learned to act like humans but still so confused. I'm constantly like "Wait, this guy is supposed to be hot. Ok, noted" "So people think this song is great. Interesting."

@темы: myself, musings

00:51 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
The year is young but I feel so tired. There are days of restlessness morphing into days of stupor. A half of me is terrified I will never move on and the other half is terrified I will. I keep myself busy with the blog but it's all just routine to keep me sane. I'm so tired of this life. Tired of being poor and counting every cent, tired of being sick and lying awake in one of those nights, tired of everyone being too busy to talk to me, tired of looking at job ads hoping I won't find anything remotely suitable, tired of trying to use what little faith I have left to invest into something only to get another disappointment, tired of putting my emotions in a tight box afraid to lose the last of my dignity. Every year I hope things will change, really change but in the end I don't really have much hope. I know there are ways out, feeble but there are but I don't even know what I want to achieve anymore. Everything just seems so pointless.

@музыка: Manic Street Preachers - The Everlasting

@темы: myself, angst

02:01 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I keep translating things but I mostly stick to short snippets. Of course, those short snippets aren't all just funny or questionable, some really make me think.

Tegoshi pisses me off a lot but also he's a great hypocrisy meter. When I weight his words I try to understand why they anger me, how I feel on the matter and what the difference is. A lot of the time it's not about the meaning but rather the wording. Say, preferences is one thing but forcing your preferences on people is another. Disliking something is one thing but acting superior towards people who like that thing is another. Tegoshi often talks about admiring people with a "high sense of aesthetics". And of course, I value that too. Though in most of the Western world, a man looks passable if at least wears fairly clean clothes and doesn't smell too bad, my standard is very high. I like men who make the effort to look good. But that only applies to potential partners and very few would pass the basic face control. That sounds harsh but I don't force it upon anyone. It's either there or not. It's very different from making your personal standards known to all the fans who in reality would never have to meet them.

I think what makes me a good person is that constant reality check, seeking to find the balance and be true to myself.

Also this quote I translated:

Kato: I want to be praised but when I’m actually praised, I feel troubled. Especially when I get compliments regarding my looks, I feel uncomfortable. I mean of course I’m glad and it’s better than people speaking ill of me but I hate it when people disregard my feelings on the matter. (laugh) It really happened a lot during middle school. There would be things in magazines like “special feature on the fresh crop of future ikemen” and I’d get 5 stars. I’d think “I see, I see, so I’ll become an ikemen?” (laugh) This isn’t about looks… For example, when I’m told “In that recent show you were really interesting” such a praise makes me very very happy.

Wink Up, 2015.12

A half of me is like “Aaaw, bb doesn’t want to be objectified!” and the other half is like “Shut up and just admit you’re hot”. But later I realized I understand what he really means. I never really knew how to react to compliments regarding my looks. I never really wanted to be told I'm pretty or cute, I suppose I even dreaded it. Not like I've been told that often but I never longed for that.

It wasn't about just looks either. I never particularly felt the need to be liked. Rather than being liked, I wanted to be respected. I guess I was very luck to have a high level of self-esteem very early on, maybe even too high, but at least I never felt the need to have other people's approval. Say, being told I'm smart doesn't really make me happy. I know I'm smart, so what? The real satisfaction comes from appreciation of the things that I did, especially the things I worked hard on. I suppose my personality is also one of them though because forging my personality is the biggest hardest work in my life.

@темы: musings, myself

20:03 

やるしかない

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Things were hard for me lately but it's the hardship that push me forward. I finally went to meet with Z. and it didn't go as I expected but still it brought much hope to me. At least I know I have nothing to fear now and the signs are good. "Don't try," he said. "Do it."

@темы: myself

16:54 

lock Доступ к записи ограничен

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра

URL
21:19 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
You know what I am? I'm queer. Yes, that's what I am.

@темы: myself

The Diary of a Graphomaniac

главная