Записи с темой: myself (список заголовков)
21:05 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...


The test is not really a test to check your gender but rather where you stand on the average scale. And it seems fairly accurate too as I thought mum's result would be similar to mine but it was just normal.



Not sure if this is bad or good. On one hand, I'm in pretty good conditions now in many ways so it could be better. But then it's only slightly higher than average and to me, that's already good.

@темы: myself

00:07 

Getting old...

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...


Not long ago I finally confirmed my suspicions - I'm turning grey. They're just a few hairs so far and the colour disappears unevenly but it's already happening. And I'm not one bit saddened by it. Perhaps even slightly relieved. I guess it's because it makes my struggles a little more valid. Also the hairs are silvery, not grey. They look like grace and experience.

For some reason, I've never been more ready to turn another year than I am now. It's been another tough year but also I feel like I grew a lot, maybe more than I have in several years before that. I feel the most adult I ever did. I still have a long way to go but I came a long way from the girl who was terrified of the world. I still get scared sometimes but I know that in the end, I can handle it.

@музыка: Masuda Takahisa - Thunder

@темы: myself

02:10 

The Strangeness of Normality

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It's been a few weeks now that I feel like a semi-functional, no, almost fully functional human being. I do have some stomach ache and I fight off depression every day but in terms of overall physical state, I feel good. Better than I have in a long time.

It's such a mysterious feeling - getting proper rest form sleep and being able to do normal daily tasks, not just one. I got so used to preserving my energy for the most essential things I almost don't know how to use it. So I test my limits. Normally, even a small workout such several push-ups would make my muscles ache the next day but this tie it only worked the first few days. After that, no matter how much I did sit-ups and all kinds of exercises, I feel fine. I used to get out of breath form one smile task such as cleaning something but now I can do it without problem. It's like - is this how normal people feel?

The saddest thing I realized was - yes, this is true. I am not lazy or passive. I really, truly can't do the things normal people do. And I want to think I don't care what anyone thinks - especially my sister - but the truth is if you're questioned for years and years and accused no matter how much you try to defend yourself, you start to question yourself. Now I fully realize that what I have to endure is a denial of my very existence and nobody should have to live through that.

I don't know how it started, I got better even before last treatment session - before I felt so shit I could't make it into the session. All I know is this will probably halt one day so until then I will try my hardest to use it and strengthen myself even a little bit.

@темы: myself

01:28 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Sometimes I look at myself and think: What the fuck is wrong with me? I spend half of my time being a fan so I don’t fit in with normal people with jobs and families but I also hate being a fan and I absolutely forbid myself fantasizing about any of the celebrities I stalk like a pro so don’t fit in with fans either.

The last time I allowed myself a fantasy was probably when I was 11 and I carved the initials JB into my bed and the concrete thing in my yard. I remember that, rushing home to watch the next episode, having a special diary where I summarized every episode from memory... It was lonely and painful and it got even worse when I realized there were thousands of girls all over the country just like me. It made my feelings irrelevant and unimportant. When all these years later I learned JB was dead it was as if that hopeless romantic part of me died, or perhaps I buried it myself.

I don't want to go through it again. And I don't know, maybe holding back is hurting me even more but what do you do with feelings that cannot be expressed? I already confessed once and I'm proud of myself for it but it hurt like hell. The thing is I don't even know how to d fantasizing, I never tried to develop it past 11 years... I have strong ground to think I will never experience romance in a way I want it so I can hardly even imagine it. Small thought linger at the edge of my mind sometimes but I chase them back because they bring nothing but hurt.

It may be stupid, in a way I envy fans who fan with abandon, at least they get the most out of it. I guess my pride is too high and it makes me an elitist bitch but I don't think there's any way of helping it.

@темы: musings, myself

16:00 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Sister: Buys an ecotoilet, a bidet, a vintage sewing machine, a fruit dryer, a fuckton of other things she never really uses.

Sister: Why don't I have any money??


It's odd, you know. I thought I have already lost all of my fucks, that I won't let her get to me but today I realized so many new ways in which she made me feel bad about myself. All these years I felt like I was the weakest link, I was insecure and helpless and not social enough and therefore terribly immature and it is only now that I see that all the while she never had her shit together, she was never independent and always terrible with money and time. It is only now that I realized that I don't have to take this shit from anyone and especially not her.

@темы: family, myself

23:39 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I've been on this really strict diet for a month now - no bread, no flour, rice, chocolate or coffee, chicken and much more. I got through it, it was hard but I endured hoping it would get better but today after a check-up the diet wasn't cut, it only got more severe - now I can't have any milk, sugar or eggs either. I was so proud of myself but this is getting really hard, not to mention all the other prescriptions. It's gonna be another long month.

@темы: myself, snapshot

05:49 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Jan 1, 2017

1 AM: It's a brand new year, it's all going to be better. Maybe I won't even get dep-
3 AM: Ah, here it is.

@темы: snapshot, myself

17:33 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I'm so sentimental today, I nearly cried at a cartoon of a runaway refrigerator. I dunno, if it's hormones getting weird of something. I wonder if this is how normal girls feel.

@музыка: PJ Harvey - A Place Called Home (Live)

@темы: myself, musings

23:46 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I've always been alienated. In so many ways. In my childhood I was shy and was mostly keeping to myself though it's not like I felt lonely, I was fine and people got very disappointing very early. Then, as I got just a little older, I became a fan. First it was CN, then TV shows and music and since 16 bands. Since then I felt alienated from people who weren't fans. Later I found some like-minded people but it only lasted a couple of years. Since I lost everyone who I considered friends, it's been hard once again. People my age are living very different lives and my fandomness is a kind of a dirty secret. Then of course there's my mental issues so make that two secrets. Lately I feel even more alienated because now even fandom doesn't make me feel connected. I'm nothing like the normal fans: I don't like the band's music, I don't want to go to their concert and I always keep a certain emotional distance from it. I also try to keep my thoughts to myself to avoid hurting anyone. But at the end of the day, all that matters is keeping myself sane.

@темы: myself, musings

02:42 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It's been really a very fucking hard week, in many ways. The work has been stressful and yet I saw another chance and took it. While the new job still isn't decided on, I talked to my boss and told him I'm planning to leave. I was going to wait but Alisa was very serious about it so I though I owed them that much. It was pretty bold though and I don't regret it in the least. They asked me to work for another 4 weeks and that is not cool tbh, but somehow I'll make it. I'm feeling really badass right now, probably more so that I ever did before in my life. I am really not afraid of any outcome.

@темы: milestone, myself

23:55 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
In other news, lately things aren't any good. The only thing that's good is that I have a good job. It's one thing that makes sense, that is worth putting effort in. Not like I'm an employee of the year and most of my work is pointless but work is money. Right now I'm not sure what to do with the surplus but that is never a concern. For the first time in my life I feel in control. I might feel like shit and have a hundred problems but it's nothing new and I can deal with it. All I can do is take one step at a time and at least now I feel some ground beneath my feet.

@музыка: PJ Harvey - We Float

@темы: myself

17:02 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
One of the reasons I always felt so lonely was that on one hand I've been depressed and unhappy all of my life so I couldn't connect with people who never felt that way but on the other hand, I never really hated myself, never hurt myself and never considered suicide so I don't feel connected to that demographic either. Through years of hard work and patience I made my skin thicker, I learned to deal with my moods and I know how to handle life better. But I don't think I can really help anyone who's struggling because in the end everyone has to find their own way. The one thing that didn't let me give up was that no matter how bad it gets, at the end of the day I still love life, even if it hates me.

@темы: myself, musings

23:32 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Went to the office today to fill some papers since it's been over a month. I am now officially semi-employed. Also legally responsible for sensitive information. A secret agent almost, ha. I walked the crowded Friday evening streets and all the small nuisances could not bring me down. I felt like a semi-functional adult. Almost normal.

@темы: milestone, myself

22:35 

Wild Mood Swings

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It seems like lately I have a pattern of 3 recurring mood stages:

Stage 1: I am deeply annoyed and angry for no particular reason and everything just makes me bitter

Stage 2: I don't give a single shit about anything, good or bad

Stage 3: I am overly excited about something, usually fandom stuff

As a good tradition, after being excited for a few hours and not finding any outlet for it, I pass onto Stage 1.

@темы: myself

20:29 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Retook the Myers–Briggs test. This time I ended up with ISTJ-A. Which frankly makes a lot more sense than ISFJ coz those are supposed to be caring as fuck. But this happened coz my NATURE is almost tied. I read both and both sound familiar. ISTJ creepily describes my work style of the past month but that’s just a small part of what I am.

But the thing is in Socionics I used to identify as INTj which correlates to INTP. I guess I’m fucked when it comes to typology...

@темы: myself

19:25 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I keep waiting for me to go back to the way I used to be but it's been a month and nothing's changed. Maybe I need to start thinking of reinventing myself completely. If things that used to work don't work anymore, I will have to move on and find those that do. I have no idea what to do yet but I'm not really worried. It's a creepy paradox. I'll figure it out somehow.

@музыка: Manic Street Preachers - From Despair To Where

@темы: myself

02:48 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Still mostly numb but somewhere beneath the surface I can feel some dull emotions bubbling. I guess the worst part is over. I somewhat calmed down about the job too. I can clearly see they need me more than I need them. I have also been in less pain though there are several very irritating trends as usual including the lingering gum nerve inflammation and chronic tonsillitis.

But anyway, at least I am considerably less annoyed. Also for several days I have been thinking about my writing. In that state it seemed impossible that I would ever write anything again. However, that changed soon enough. It happened so that I finished translating a Love Story (Tentative) last night. Then I had a dream about my first love. He ignored me as usual. How nostalgic.

But that's no the point. The point is, a week ago I felt dead inside but now there are ideas swirling in my head. Actually, I was indulging myself in bed today as it is Saturday and let my mind drift. It went so well that I actually sat down later today and wrote down a few scenes. Really good ones too. I'm not getting my hopes up but that's already really good. I am a fighter after all.

@темы: myself

00:21 

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I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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01:23 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I don't even know what to do with his diary. It's clearly obsolete and yet I can't let go of it. I don't write anything personal on tumblr and Twiter is a joke so I guess here is a place to say the things I feel like saying. Which is not much lately. I used to want to write about everything, every album and concert and every random idea but lately I can't be bothered. But since I'm writing this anyway, I might as well.

February sucked a lot and March started out terribly. I am sort of busy with job but the truth is this isn't why I haven't posted anything lately. In fact, when I got a job I thought it was a good timing since I didn't feel like doing anything either way. I have one of those terrible periods where I can't seem to care about anything, my only distinct emotion being dread. I've been generally unemotional for months now but these past few weeks it got much worse. I wasn't ready for it. I didn't know how to deal with it. I mean even at my worst, even when I was crushed I had my music and my fandoms to pick me up but now I can't even care about that. I've watched some things, of course, and I mildly enjoyed them but I couldn't be bothered to post anything and for me that is abnormal. Over the last several years I've realized the me I knew could change in many ways and still remain me. I've changed my habits, my tastes and my patters. But I am not really to lose my excitement. People say bands keep them going, bands save them and stuff. For me it was never the bands, or the series. Not really. It was my excitability. The way I could get happy about small things, the way I could get passionate about things. If I lose that, I don't know how I shall go on.

I truly hope it's just a phase, that it's a Spring depression. Today it was sunny for a while and I got a little bit of energy to do something. I felt strong. I seemed to feel some slight joy stirring somewhere deep beneath the surface. But now it's gone. It doesn't help that the job is stressful as hell. You'd think being indifferent would disable you to get stressed but somehow it doesn't. I mean some bad things pass me by but so do good things. I get annoyed a lot. At things, at people, at my body that refuses to cooperate. I just want to want things again. I just want to feel something other that pain and anger.

Before I always found refuge in the fandom. Images, videos, writing and discussing. Now I look at my stories and it seems surreal I wrote them. I really am unsure I can do that again. I took a step back from the fandom hoping it would pull me back in but so far its not really trying and the more time passes the harder it would be to come back.

@темы: musings, myself

03:47 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Sometimes I feel like a sad alien sent to Earth. I learned to act like humans but still so confused. I'm constantly like "Wait, this guy is supposed to be hot. Ok, noted" "So people think this song is great. Interesting."

@темы: myself, musings

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