Maybe I should get one of those "life" things people are always talking about. (c)

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I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...

The test is not really a test to check your gender but rather where you stand on the average scale. And it seems fairly accurate too as I thought mum's result would be similar to mine but it was just normal.

Not sure if this is bad or good. On one hand, I'm in pretty good conditions now in many ways so it could be better. But then it's only slightly higher than average and to me, that's already good.

@темы: myself


Born a Crime

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I don't read books lately. I used to read a lot in college but I'm afraid the modern life got to me and it's hard to even watch a 5 minute video, let alone read a book. I did try though. Last summer I almost finished that book my sister gave me but... yeah, that didn't turn out well. But when I heard Trevor Noah wrote a book I wanted to read it. It was even better learning there was an audiobook. For some reason, audiobooks have the image of not being "real" books. However, that doesn't really make sense. You get the same content and with this book, you not only get to hear the story from the author, you almost get an audio drama as he narrates all the direct speech with corresponding accents or even languages. And he's great at it.

The book is brilliant. Or maybe that's not the best word as this isn't a novel. This is a life masterfully told. Though it is more than a story of one person's life, more than a story of a family, it is also a story of the nation and this volume makes the story unique. The book deals with so many issues from race to religion to domestic violence. I think different people would feel different things about it. But to me it is ultimately about hope and finding one's purpose, overcoming the hardships against all odds.

Trevor is an amazing storyteller and takes you on an 8 hour trip to his childhood and adolescence and even further back to his mother's life with a brief history of South Africa in between. His way of describing each scene in great detail makes you feel like you've been in those places and almost experiences these events. It really is like a condensed life, life so different from your own. There are funny parts, embarrassing parts and sad parts. I finished listening with a sense of amazement - partly at how someone who looks so easy-going and carefree has had such a hard life, partly at realizing how lucky I was to not know what real hardship is but mostly towards the amazing heroine that is Trevor's mother.

@музыка: Porcupine Tree - Moonloop



I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...

Teresa was planned as a second option and I wanted to wait some more but then I decided it was a chance given to me and waiting does nothing but bring disappointment. She's 60$ on Amazon but I found her at a local shop and figured it was my last chance. So I got her. And she's gorgeous. There's one issue though. She has greasy hair which is a problem with a lot of Fashionistas so it's been 3 days and I'm still trying to clean it. It's fine, we're gonna be fine.



I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...

I try not to get pleased with myself too often but this time I was because it's hella hard to find a good TV series and Manhattan is great. It's got all the ingredients: a solid plot, good complex characters, and a fascinating setting. But it's also based on a very real part of history that shaped the world. While the characters are fictional, all the problems they deal with were very much real and I think it was a brilliant idea to explore it. There are no good guys here - everyone is struggling and stumbling but still trying so hard to do the right thing, even if those things might be very different. Sure there very some misses - especially in the S2 with the erratic timeline and tangled storylines - but overall this was a great series and it really deserved the 3rd season. The ending turned out incredibly depressing and cut off.

@темы: series


Mass Effect

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I've heard about Me series long ago but I'm not that big of a sci-fi fan, I'm more of a classic boring fantasy game fan. You know, the good ol' swords and elves and magic and dungeons. But I thought I should try it at some point and now with the Epcotia it seemed like the perfect timing.

At first, I was pleasantly surprised. This world was something completely new and navigating space is decidedly different from running around on foot. The variety of gameplay was exciting. I especially enjoyed the rover, taking selfies on every planet and proudly speeding as the galaxy's worst driver. However, after a dozen planets, it got old. Most missions are repetitive and boring. I felt like there was a lot of potential wasted. The characters are interesting enough but no more than that. The crew missions are just typical errands. The graphics are a little old but I used the improved textures, not without some effort, so it was pretty good.

The plot is... predictable overall. I mean saving the world? Again? Of course, it's just another game created for men to feel cool. Don't even start me on the fanservice like intergalactic strip joint. With a female Shepard it felt like the narrative was a little more fresh. But of course at the back of my mind, it always felt like an alternative option. I also hacked the relationship options allowing myself to hook up with Ashley. I mean, obviously. I don't care for the dude or the blue chick. But yeah, choosing to play as a woman already felt like hacking the game. I was looking forward to the sexy scene but it was really disappointing. I mean, c'mon. Hundred hours of gameplay and 5 seconds with a flash of an ass?

Despite all the drawbacks, as I approached the endgame, I made a major break. I told myself it was because I needed to finish Neverland and then I would finish it when I move on to Epcotia. But it was mostly because I got too attached to my character and it felt sad to leave her. Which is a little odd as I finished the game pretty quickly and I didn't have inventory or a crib to leave.

The final mission was quite fun to do but it felt almost disappointingly easy. I reached L50 but I didn't expect it to go without a real challenge. That always tends to ruin the experience a little. But overall, the game is a solid 4/5

I might just go for ME2 though I can't say I am particularly craving for it right now.

@музыка: 4 hero - Hold it down

@темы: Games



I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...

Got myself a new friend. Or old actually. Her legs are limp and her hair’s been tampered with but othervice, she’s fine. I’m not so fresh myself so we’re a good match. I wasn’t able to identify her, wasn’t able to find a single similar doll or outfit on the whole internet (and I’m a pro at that) and I suppose that was part of the intrigue. But she’s from about 2006-7 judging from the stamp on her body. And the 2000′s fashion, those pants with blue and green sparkle and acid shoes, there’s something nostalgic about it. I don’t like the main Barbie blonde models but she looked different. There was something about her that made me get her.


Getting old...

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...

Not long ago I finally confirmed my suspicions - I'm turning grey. They're just a few hairs so far and the colour disappears unevenly but it's already happening. And I'm not one bit saddened by it. Perhaps even slightly relieved. I guess it's because it makes my struggles a little more valid. Also the hairs are silvery, not grey. They look like grace and experience.

For some reason, I've never been more ready to turn another year than I am now. It's been another tough year but also I feel like I grew a lot, maybe more than I have in several years before that. I feel the most adult I ever did. I still have a long way to go but I came a long way from the girl who was terrified of the world. I still get scared sometimes but I know that in the end, I can handle it.

@музыка: Masuda Takahisa - Thunder

@темы: myself


Game of Thrones

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I've heard about the Game of Thrones for years but only now my mum decided to watch it and gave up on S2 because of all the violence and sex and sexual violence. Sure, there's great acting and all but I don't get how people watch this stuff. But then people watch horror I guess.

My sister adores GoT and she violently disagreed with any criticism saying "Well, that's Middle Ages, that's how it was back then". Back fucking when? When dragons thrived? When women were born without body hair? That's a bullshit excuse. It's the same with video games. At least be honest about it and call it what it is - some straight dude's fantasy, no need to hide behind excuses of realism. Making women powerless sexual objects is not a requirement.

Now it's just one more thing that separates us. I am now not as bad with violence as I used to be but now that I fell out of the loop, I realized this is something I absolutely do not need. And people who enjoy media with gore and violence scare me in a way.

Update: Mum dropped Game of Thrones and now watching Handmaid's Tale. She likes it more, as expected. I half-watch it. It's a good story but far too bleak. It's pretty amazing how different these two shows are but, at the same time, not really if, say, someone attempted to write Handmaid's tale from a man's perspective.
запись создана: 04.05.2018 в 20:02

@темы: series, bitching


The Strangeness of Normality

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It's been a few weeks now that I feel like a semi-functional, no, almost fully functional human being. I do have some stomach ache and I fight off depression every day but in terms of overall physical state, I feel good. Better than I have in a long time.

It's such a mysterious feeling - getting proper rest form sleep and being able to do normal daily tasks, not just one. I got so used to preserving my energy for the most essential things I almost don't know how to use it. So I test my limits. Normally, even a small workout such several push-ups would make my muscles ache the next day but this tie it only worked the first few days. After that, no matter how much I did sit-ups and all kinds of exercises, I feel fine. I used to get out of breath form one smile task such as cleaning something but now I can do it without problem. It's like - is this how normal people feel?

The saddest thing I realized was - yes, this is true. I am not lazy or passive. I really, truly can't do the things normal people do. And I want to think I don't care what anyone thinks - especially my sister - but the truth is if you're questioned for years and years and accused no matter how much you try to defend yourself, you start to question yourself. Now I fully realize that what I have to endure is a denial of my very existence and nobody should have to live through that.

I don't know how it started, I got better even before last treatment session - before I felt so shit I could't make it into the session. All I know is this will probably halt one day so until then I will try my hardest to use it and strengthen myself even a little bit.

@темы: myself


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Notes results of part of a survey of high school and college students and nonstudent adults. Ss were asked to estimate what their 1Q scores would be on standard tests, what the IQ of others would be, and what the IQ of their mothers and fathers would be. These patterns emerged: (a) Compared with males, females invariably underestimated their IQ scores. (b) Compared with males, females attributed higher IQs to others than they claimed for themselves. (c) Without exception, male and female Ss—the latter most markedly—projected higher IQs onto their fathers than their mothers.

Hogan, H. W. (1978). IQ self-estimates of males and females.


@темы: i'm a geek


The Movie List

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Downsizing [2017]
Professor Marston and the Wonder Women [2017]
Close-Knit [2017]


New Monitor

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I finally discovered the extension that lets you see all the Photobucket pictures again. But I think I'll still stick to Imgur for now.

Finally, after a week, 2 broken monitors and lots of struggle, I got my brand new one. It's about 60% wider than my old one so it will take time to get used to but it's such a relief. My old monitor frankly died of natural causes since it was 10-12 years old. But it's so odd to buy something for myself, it's been awhile since I allowed it.

@музыка: Sia - Confetti

@темы: PC


Joshiteki Seikatsu

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...

I’m very skeptical about Japanese dramas involving cross-dressing but Joshi teki Seikatsu is just 4 episodes long so I gave it a chance. And I’m glad I did. Jun Shison is charming as a transgender lesbian woman working in fashion industry. The drama is a glimpse into her life, work, and relationships. Miki is bright, motivated, and totally not giving a fuck.

The drama is by no means perfect but in just 4 episodes it manages to achieve a number of things many similar dramas fail to. While the premise is not new to Japanese dramas, Joshiteki Seikatsu manages to sidestep most of the cliches and break some stereotypes, such as showing that gender and sexuality are two separate things. The drama’s central relationships are unconventional and you have no idea where it’s all going at all. While there are some rather blunt conflicts thrown in, the outcomes are never quite predictable. All in all, it’s a drama about living your own life with no shame, even if it differs greatly from the rest. That theme is universally relevant but especially so in conformist Japan.

One more pleasant surprise was seeing a transgender woman named Satsuki Nishihara who appeared in Episode 2 as Miki’s former roommate. I knew her from NEWS na Futari episode on LGBT people. She also apparently mentored Jun Shison on set.

@музыка: Adore Delano - Out of the Blue

@темы: dorama


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
On Wednesday the electricity went out for 6 hours and yesterday my monitor decided to die. Well, it was about 12 years old so it died of natural causes. Now I’m temporarily using an ancient flickering monitor with a greenish tint, but it’s better than nothing and I can work at least. I guess I have to spent all the reserve money on a new one on rather a not new but newer one since new ones are too expensive. The week was a disaster and things aren’t really looking up so I won’t be posting as much this week probably. I did almost half of Neverland but with a crappy monitor I can’t edit screens, gifs and scans properly so that has to wait. Good things don't come to me.

Well, guess it's time to remember the Situationist motto...

@музыка: Gala - Suddenly


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Started playing Mass Effect the other day. I got improved textures so it lags quite a bit but it's pretty fun. What I regret though is playing that sex parody of it, now I know all the characters and can't look them in the eyes.

@темы: Games


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
After nearly two years of waiting I finally got a chance to go to the cinema again and I learned there would be a screening of Black Panther this weekend. Yet, I am not on my way to Wakanda. Now, this Sunday, I am sitting at home bitter af. The last 5 days it's been snowing a lot, more than all of Winter and today is another snowstorm. Not only that, today I have the worst day of my period. This trip would have been challenging at my best but given the circumstances, I just can't make it. I didn't count on it, of course, I never do but it's still making me so sad. I'll get over it in time and maybe I'll get to see Avengers 4 or the X-man later this year but this is a harsh reminded of my limitations just when I stopped thinking about them.


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Sometimes I look at myself and think: What the fuck is wrong with me? I spend half of my time being a fan so I don’t fit in with normal people with jobs and families but I also hate being a fan and I absolutely forbid myself fantasizing about any of the celebrities I stalk like a pro so don’t fit in with fans either.

The last time I allowed myself a fantasy was probably when I was 11 and I carved the initials JB into my bed and the concrete thing in my yard. I remember that, rushing home to watch the next episode, having a special diary where I summarized every episode from memory... It was lonely and painful and it got even worse when I realized there were thousands of girls all over the country just like me. It made my feelings irrelevant and unimportant. When all these years later I learned JB was dead it was as if that hopeless romantic part of me died, or perhaps I buried it myself.

I don't want to go through it again. And I don't know, maybe holding back is hurting me even more but what do you do with feelings that cannot be expressed? I already confessed once and I'm proud of myself for it but it hurt like hell. The thing is I don't even know how to d fantasizing, I never tried to develop it past 11 years... I have strong ground to think I will never experience romance in a way I want it so I can hardly even imagine it. Small thought linger at the edge of my mind sometimes but I chase them back because they bring nothing but hurt.

It may be stupid, in a way I envy fans who fan with abandon, at least they get the most out of it. I guess my pride is too high and it makes me an elitist bitch but I don't think there's any way of helping it.

@темы: musings, myself


Hello Again

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Two days ago finally reset my Windows. Still 7. It didn't go without fuckups, it never does but it's was well worth it. Nothing like the smell of fresh Windows. And resetting half my passwords.

@темы: PC


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Sister: Buys an ecotoilet, a bidet, a vintage sewing machine, a fruit dryer, a fuckton of other things she never really uses.

Sister: Why don't I have any money??

It's odd, you know. I thought I have already lost all of my fucks, that I won't let her get to me but today I realized so many new ways in which she made me feel bad about myself. All these years I felt like I was the weakest link, I was insecure and helpless and not social enough and therefore terribly immature and it is only now that I see that all the while she never had her shit together, she was never independent and always terrible with money and time. It is only now that I realized that I don't have to take this shit from anyone and especially not her.

@темы: family, myself


Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning

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I've been playing it for so long and now I'm 50% sick of it 50% can't let it go. It's worse than fucking Skyrim - I got all of my houses from normal ones to creepy archmage tower to a fucking keep with a library and art gallery. And, of course, a shitton of stuff I never used.

It's a solid action/RPG, much like Jade Empire. Though I would say it's even closer to action genre since there's very few major decisions in the game, only siding with some factions with little difference. There aren't even proper conversations, you only get occasional variants usually when attempting a persuasion. Thus, the game doesn't have a high replayability potential. However, it offers something instead - a chance to easily change speciality at any point so you get to try out all it's got.

I love the gameplay. The fights are very fun and elegant, like good choreography. Great visual effects too. That's crucial to a game you play for 100+ hours. The enemies were oddly varied and it didn't get boring with the great choice of weapons, spells and tricks. But the interface was just plain bad, though probably still not as bad as Skyrim. Of course, one of the best features was beautiful graphics. The landscapes were amazing and every region has peculiar terrain, architecture and creatures. That's how I have 538 screenshots. Take that, Skyrim! One of the minor features that I really loved was being able to change the character's appearance at any house. Of course, you can't change the face but the hair colour, tattoos, jewelry and make-up make a lot of difference. Simple and fun but I never saw it in any other RPG games.

One thing it's missing though is a good plot. There's strong lore but the plot is pretty vague and boring. It's kind of dark too. I knew it from the start. The only thing keeping me from playing it sooner was the fact that the starts with you waking up in a pile of dead bodies. It's not too graphic of course but I think there's still a lot of unnecessary gore in the game. Also Fateless One sounds a helluva lot like Nameless One and the whole being resurrected and not remembering a thing thing? Yeah. The quests were mostly rather boring and sometimes plain buggy. Also some were nearly impossible to figure out on your own and even with walkthroughs. Another thing missing is companions. You only occasionally side with some characters but they're all basically useless except for distracting the enemies.

Dead Kel was obviously trying to introduce a bunch of things that were missing in the original game but it tried too hard. It was funny how it so casually inserted the word "sex" into 3 different female characters' dialogues. One of them becomes your wife but all that happens when you finally get to marry her is a black screen followed by her compliment at what a beast you were in bed. That's it, not even one new interaction. Just a little something to boost the male ego. I played as a female - one of the features that attracted me to the game - but it changes exactly nothing other than your appearance. The whole Keep quests are good idea but they take way too much time so by the time you get to them all, I was already sick of the damn island. It all seemed underdeveloped.

I think at some point I will give Skyrim another try, with all the expansions and mods and all.

Overall impression: fun and pretty, no real depth
Strong points: gameplay, graphics
Weak points: plot, interface, interactivity

@темы: Games

The Diary of a Graphomaniac