• ↓
  • ↑
  • ⇑
 
16:17 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Today's dream had not one but two Tegoshige scenes. Both fairly innocent, one of all 4 babies in a pile with Tegoshi half lying on top of Shige. All perfectly natural.

@темы: TegoShige, Dreams

18:45 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
They say you never forget your first love. I suppose it's especially true if you never have a second. God, I just wish these dreams stopped.

@темы: musings

20:52 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It was a really hard week with the new job and all. I was really pissed and really stressed. I expected another failed weekend. However, I turned things around. Even though it was raining on Saturday I went to get that haircut and after I took mum to ITIS Cafe. I've been planning to go for months, play some arcades as well. It was nice. After we got back I even ordered that Thai takeout but as expected it turned out pretty gross. Oh, well. You don't know till you try. And then today I caught the last screening of X-Men: Apocalypse in 3D. I barely made it but I'm really glad I did because t was awesome. Thus, this might as well be my most productive weekend in years if not ever.

@темы: snapshot

13:08 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I had this really long and complex dream but the best part of it was this CM with NEWS. At first there was Tabe Mikako and then all the boys. There was this scene where they were sort of on a picnic and I think Tegoshi had that pink dress on and he was lying on his stomach just chilling. Then Koyama came and the two of them did... what's it called in English? Sort of Patty Cake game? really lovingly. Next Shige leaned in and kissed Tegoshi on the cheek. Massu remained awkwardly unconcerned. There were a few more scenes like that and finally there was one with Tegoshi linking arm with Koyama and Shige on both sides. Damn, that was a thing of beauty.

@темы: Dreams

00:10 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Also, father gave me a fucking katana. It's cheap and blunt and fake as fuck but it's really pretty and it's mine. So I guess now I am confirmed as a warrior class and this is my weapon. My main quest is therefore have only started.

 photo IMG_1373.jpg

@музыка: 東方神起 - All In Vain

23:55 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
In other news, lately things aren't any good. The only thing that's good is that I have a good job. It's one thing that makes sense, that is worth putting effort in. Not like I'm an employee of the year and most of my work is pointless but work is money. Right now I'm not sure what to do with the surplus but that is never a concern. For the first time in my life I feel in control. I might feel like shit and have a hundred problems but it's nothing new and I can deal with it. All I can do is take one step at a time and at least now I feel some ground beneath my feet.

@музыка: PJ Harvey - We Float

@темы: myself

23:45 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I thought about it for months, I thought about the things I will write when it happens, I thought about the speech I give but none of that happened. I'm not sure if it's sad or maybe the saddest part is that I don't even care anymore.

 photo IMG_1380.jpg

@музыка: Lorde - Everybody Wants To Rule The World

@темы: milestone

01:17 

The Good Wife (Final)

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
 photo julianna-margulies-good-wife.jpg

It's finally over. This was the weirdest way to watch a series and my memory of it is all jumbled but it doesn't really matter, I just want to write about the things that remain in my head.

The plot was good enough but in the end it's always about the characters. There were so many good ones, both on the main cast and supporting. I really liked Cary, he deserved so much more that this, seriously. I adored Eli, he is brilliant and precious. I loved Kalinda. Her character was so good and consistent, I couldn't believe they let her go. I liked Will too, especially after death. It hit me more than I could imagine. I didn't like Peter but I liked Jason even less. At least it was clear he was just a make do. Oh, I also liked Robyn, she was so cool, why did she have to disappear after just two seasons?

I might be biased but I felt S5 was the best, it was intense and dynamic and unpredictable. S6 had some good points and it was really mean in making me ache for Cary and Kalinda, my first straight OTP since Alec/Max.

 photo The.Good.Wife.s06e05.WEBDLRip.NewStudio.TV.avi_snapshot_06.17_2015.12.20_17.49.45.jpg

I'm glad they didn't drag it on, S7 was already stretched thin. It started well enough and Luca is very lovable but most of the supporting cast became recurring at best. The last episode was a bit odd and undertoned but not disappointing. I don't really like fantasy scenes and it was too forceful but it was good to see Will, the plainest of all handsome men.

The Good Wife wasn't amazing, it was just solid good. In the long 7 seasons though it captivated me claiming a place in my heart.

@темы: series

20:23 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
So first Nubiru was confirmed to exist. Well, mathematically confirmed but it's scientific method so. Now... Tiamat.
www.universetoday.com/127139/127139/

Again, the present theory suggests Earth had a sibling of a sorts while the Tiamat theory says Earth and Moon were a part of one bigger planet Tiamat that was struck by huge Nibiru. The other half was destroyed forming the asteroid belt.

www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/moon-was-...

Zecharia Sitchin died in 2010. Othervise he'd be like "Told ya, suckers!"

@темы: i'm a geek

17:02 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
One of the reasons I always felt so lonely was that on one hand I've been depressed and unhappy all of my life so I couldn't connect with people who never felt that way but on the other hand, I never really hated myself, never hurt myself and never considered suicide so I don't feel connected to that demographic either. Through years of hard work and patience I made my skin thicker, I learned to deal with my moods and I know how to handle life better. But I don't think I can really help anyone who's struggling because in the end everyone has to find their own way. The one thing that didn't let me give up was that no matter how bad it gets, at the end of the day I still love life, even if it hates me.

@темы: myself, musings

00:15 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Work, fandom, Skyrim, Sia, Queer as Folk, Marvel Heroes... my daily menu.

@темы: snapshot

00:11 

Basically

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
 photo tumblr_o6729fkN0R1qzcv7no1_1280.png

@музыка: Sia - Burn The Pages

01:02 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Yesterday I got an unprecedented invitation to a corporate party, a welcoming party in fact. It really took me by surprise. However, I declined. For one, the weather was truly horrid. It was pouring rain and cold and wind. Then, I wasn't feeling very well. My stomach ache is back with a vengeance. I would likely go if it wasn't for that but still there was some relief that I had a solid excuse. It would probably be nerve-wrecking. A part of me was naggingly telling me I screwed up my only chance to meet people but another part was like "Yeah, right. As if I was gonna meet the love of my life there or even someone remotely interesting." But there is this anxiety in me, a fear of whether I am even able to relate to people. I mean I can do small talk but I just imagine someone casually asking what I am into and me going into a short awkward silence to try to come up with a presentable enough answer. Then again, the scariest thing would be - and it is most likely - nobody would give a fuck.

Oh, what the hell? Here I am pathetically discussing something that never happened. I guess this won't be the last time so I might still find out which it will be.

@темы: work

23:32 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Went to the office today to fill some papers since it's been over a month. I am now officially semi-employed. Also legally responsible for sensitive information. A secret agent almost, ha. I walked the crowded Friday evening streets and all the small nuisances could not bring me down. I felt like a semi-functional adult. Almost normal.

@темы: milestone, myself

21:31 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
If I were an anthropologist as I wanted to be, my current thesis would be “The perceived heteronormativity in Japanese and Korean boy bands.” Or it that more gender studies stuff? Anyway, I am quite fascinated by it. I mean this isn't new to me but lately as I read MC accounts from tour reports and remember all the previous instances I am amazed by how far guys can go while still maintaining their perceived heterosexuality.

Tegoshi likes getting into showers with men and apparently enjoys some discreet touching of private parts and naked hugging. He also is used to kissing on the lips once drunk and probably clinging to supposedly familiar men. He clearly enjoys male attention rather than feeling awkward like many would. But I'm sure he would never admit to bisexuality, let alone consider a homosexual relationship.

Then there's Jaejoong who also clings to his friends while drunk, kisses them. And Junsu who likes groping other guys's butts. Of course, these are just the things that got public, I'm sure there's a lot more that we don't know about. At any rate, all of that behaviour is somehow categorized as male bonding and a part of normal heterosexuality.

@темы: musings, issues

21:51 

The Hunger Games

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I was really looking forward to this. It's been awhile since I liked a high budget franchise this much. The third movie was good, I was very much touched by the character development and the depth of it. The fourth was supposed to be the grand finale, the epic conclusion. The poster was perfect, the trailer was promising but... nothing happens as you expect it to.

It wasn't bad, it was just... nothing. The whole story development was very different than what I'd imagined from the trialer and there were so many things that just didn't make sense. I don't even get why Kitniss had to go on her little mission in the first place if she'd make it anyway. All of the deaths seemed so pointless, even Prim. Especially Prim. The ending was just disappointing, I guess. I was half-expecting the old Animal Farm trope and it seemed like it was going that way but in the end it wasn't that, it was just like... wat? A part of me is glad about the ending. I was glad the characters I liked lived and found happiness. Except it didn't feel natural. I mean that domestic bliss... Rather getting a good end, I was expecting a powerful end, no matter how tragic.

 photo The Hunger Games Mockingjay - Part 2 2015.mkv_snapshot_02.04.06_2016.03.25_16.48.29.jpg

@темы: movies

21:11 

I got it

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
 photo IMG_0481.jpg

I finally got my wage for the 1st part of the project. It's not really big money but for me it's a lot, more than I ever made. And then, of course it's nice knowing I am valued and my work has a good cause.

I brought myself flowers and candy. Made a little celebration. It's just one months but it means so much to me, I feel like a functional, even capable adult. It's not easy but I can clearly see how much progress I've made. Just this once, I can be proud of myself.

@темы: milestone

22:35 

Wild Mood Swings

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It seems like lately I have a pattern of 3 recurring mood stages:

Stage 1: I am deeply annoyed and angry for no particular reason and everything just makes me bitter

Stage 2: I don't give a single shit about anything, good or bad

Stage 3: I am overly excited about something, usually fandom stuff

As a good tradition, after being excited for a few hours and not finding any outlet for it, I pass onto Stage 1.

@темы: myself

01:09 

X-23

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
When I started playing Marvel Heroes I didn't really get what having a "main" meant. Hell, I didn't get it even after a year. But somehow, unbeknownst to me, Laura became my main. I guess it's a melee thing. Rather than mages who are cool or complex universal heroes like Rogue I always end up with those who are simple to play and have good survivability. At any rate, X-23 is now my girl. The only one who made it past the trial and the only one I took to raids.

So I decided I might as well do my research and read the actual comic books. After all, I even translated 2 of them. The series had 22 issues and looked weirdly contrasting with several artists working on different issues. However, my favourite was definitely Sana Takeda, a Japanese female. It looks very manga-like stylistically. I also found out that the it was written by Marjorie Liu, Marvel's only major female writer. Danni Shinya Luo who made the Issue#1 cover is also female. But anyway, I quite enjoyed them. Sure, the plots were quite lame and crazy, but the main ideas and the relationships, those were really good. I finished the main series and followed Laura to Avengers Academy which I also happened to translate although they were early issues. I guess I might as well finish it even though as many fans say, she's too good for it.

But that's all just details. The thing is, I like Laura. A lot. I identify with her. Which might be creepy since she's a clone designed to be an assasin. And yet... her struggle is not just that of confirming her humanity, it's a journey of self-discovery. Of finding her own path, no matter where it takes her. I like her personality. She's quiet and very rational but she's not exactly withdrawn. She doesn't shy out of human interaction, she just doesn't need much of it. And, most importantly, she is very strong and mature. She has many issues obviously but she's working on them. She makes decisions and takes full responsibility for them. I also like her relationships, especially with Gambit and Wolverine. And the way she shut this brat Helion was epic.

Also I've been rewatching Dark Angel. I wasn't planning to but all the ones I'm watching now are lagging and I don't want to pick Agents of Shield yet since it's just mid-season. Not again. Anyway, once again I feel a little smug about my good taste. The main plot is good, the mini-plots are good, the characters are good and the dialogues are good. The only thing that bugs me a little is Max. (Well, also Logan but he's perfectly realistic as the rich whiny self-indulgent white dude ) Jessica is charming as fuck but that is exactly the problem. Her personality is that of a normal girl who grew up in the suburbs, not someone who spent all of their childhood trained to be a professional assassin. Her super-intellect also looks very off. She looks more like a well-trained spy, like Black Widow, not a soldier. I mean sure, X-23 spent longer in the facility, but still 9 years is very long.

The reason I'm linking these two characters is as follows. X-23 was created in 2003, a year after Dark Angel was closed. I can't help thinking this is not a coincidence. The character origin is strikingly similar though X-23's is much grimer, and their struggle to find their humanity is similar too. But Laura's personality is much more consistent. She's very rational and very interdependent. She doesn't hesitate to kill when needed, very unlike Max. Whether there is a link or not, in my eyes, she's almost like an improved version.

 photo mashup.jpg

@темы: series, Marvel

20:29 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Retook the Myers–Briggs test. This time I ended up with ISTJ-A. Which frankly makes a lot more sense than ISFJ coz those are supposed to be caring as fuck. But this happened coz my NATURE is almost tied. I read both and both sound familiar. ISTJ creepily describes my work style of the past month but that’s just a small part of what I am.

But the thing is in Socionics I used to identify as INTj which correlates to INTP. I guess I’m fucked when it comes to typology...

@темы: myself

The Diary of a Graphomaniac

главная