I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I registered at Upwork a few days ago. I took it slow, completing my profile and taking tests. They even gave me Rising Talent badge, that should give me some chance. I try not to get my hopes up and it won't be easy but I have to try, this could be the change I need.

@темы: work


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Yoochun's accuser has been sent to jail together with 2 of her accomplices. Yet, I don't feel the slightest hint of relief. Though it's over there's a heavy weight in my heart when I think about it. Yoochun's career is as good as over. I really doubt he'll return to public eye any time soon. But one more thing that really bothers me, been bothering me all this time, is that since the whole thing broke out last year neither Jae not Junsu has said a word about it. Why? Weren't they supposed to defend him? Stand up for him? My only guess is that he asked them not to interfere not wanting to drag them into this but still... Looking at the JYJ feed full of Jae all shiny and fresh from the army and Junsu with his blooming career and Yoochun only appeared in news articles about the case, looking grim and depressed. It makes me sad that Yoochun is going to be just wiped off the picture, as if he doesn't exist. I honestly don't care about JYJ, they got lazy and boring as a band but I care about the three of them, their bond, their brotherhood. And now I'm not sure any of that is left.

Junsu gave up his soccer team and parted with his gf. Of course, none of that matters now, in a few weeks he'll be enlisting into his stupid elite police force. Today I've unfollowed the 'JYJ' tag because it was pretty much just a J tag and while I have an enormous respect for both 'J's, without the 'Y' the puzzle just fell into pieces.

@темы: Yoochunnie


Light and Dark

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Watched BBC's Light and Dark (2013). I have been disappointed in a number of recent BBC films but this was certainly not one of them. Been keeping it for about a month now and I'm glad I did. Not easy-watching exactly. I expected the Light part to be about the history of the science of light and its properties and I was party right but my mind was still blown. However, that was nothing compared to the Dark part. Black Holes and Dark Matter... just fuck. My mum gets freaked out but I am fascinated by such things. I also now have a new space screensaver.

Jim Al-Khalili is an amazing story-teller and I'm planning to see more of his films. Once I gather enough of my mind back together again.

@темы: documentaries


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Today's dream was fairly nice. It was school stuff first and then some pretty ecchi things later on but the odd thing about it was... the school stuff wasn't unpleasant because I was sort of trying to see where I go with this cute boy and they boy wasn't anyone from my past, I think he had the face of an actor I saw briefly last night. Also all the girls I got on with later on were perfectly unfamiliar. It was oddly refreshing.

@темы: Dreams


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Jan 1, 2017

1 AM: It's a brand new year, it's all going to be better. Maybe I won't even get dep-
3 AM: Ah, here it is.

@темы: snapshot, myself


The 2016 Totals

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Ok, let's do this.

Site of the Year: tumblr, weibo.
Obsession of the Year: NEWS
Movie of the Year: X-Men: Apocalypse
Series of the Year: Queer as Folk
Dorama of the Year: -
Anime of the Year: Udon no Kuni no Kiniro Kemari
Concert of the Year: White
Documentary of the Year: Where to Invade Next
TV Show of the Year: 24h TV, Shounen Club Premium
Game of the Year: Marvel Heroes, Skyrim
Book of the Year: -
Fuck Up of the Year: Ann
Quote of the Year:
Acquisition of the Year: fucking katana, Racquelle
Person of the Year: Me
Pairing of the Year: Tegoshige
Meeting of the Year: Ki
Artist of the Year: Sia
Album of the Year: "Boaz Mauda", all albums by Sia
Disappointment of the Year: That dream job offer
Achievement of the Year: First semi-official job
Other events: hitting 30, RIP Yoosu, X-Men: Apocalypse in 3D, Yoochun's case, AOO account, US Elections.

Soundtrack of the Year: Kim Jae Joong - Love You More, L’Arc~en~Ciel - Wings Flap, NEWS - Touch, New Order - True Faith, Sia - I'm Not Important To You, Sia - Chandelier, Sia - Dressed In Black, Sia - Alive, Sia - Cheap Thrills, Lana Del Rey - Summertime Sadness, Kato Shigeaki - Hoshi no Ouji-sama, Utada Hikaru feat. Shiina Ringo - Nijikan Dake no Vacance


Agent Carter S02
The Good Wife (Final)
Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Season 3
Queer as Folk
Necessary Roughness
The Real O'Neals
Fresh Off the Boat

Osozaki no Himawari

Best Movies:
The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2
X-Men: Apocalypse
The First Grader
Captain Fantastic
McFarland, USA 2015
Hail Caesar! 2016
The Social Network
Sucker Punch 2010
The Help

Sid Meier's Civilization - Beyond Earth: Rising Tide
Sims 3
Marvel Heroes

Fanvideos finished: 0 ;;

Fanfics finished:
The Odds

This year took slightly more than 4 pages pages.

@темы: Totals


Udon no Kuni no Kiniro Kemari

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I seldom watch anime but this year I came across a gem called “Udon no Kuni no Kiniro Kemari”. I originally discovered it thanks to NEWS fans and the main characters’ uncanny resemblance to certain members but it turned out to be so much more. It's really beautiful art work and is very deep and touching. The fact that Souta and other characters were around 30 didn't help.

Ep 12 broke my heart into tiny pieces. I knew this was the only reasonable way to finish it and it was good and just but... it was one of those times I wanted something completely unrealistic. It just wasn't good enough, they had to be together forever. Ok, I need to just finish this or I'll end up weeping again.

@темы: anime


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I finally went to the museum. And yet... it was so little joy. The poor lightning, the rude staff members, the tiny exhibit and the fact we couldn't even get into ancient history part of the museum really chipped off at the experience. Also me being quite sick most of the time. I get it, the museum is terribly underfunded and they have to cope but that just made it more depressing. But of course there was some great stuff in there and some original ukiyo-e.


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Citing a federal survey, HRW noted, “Data showed that an alarming 42.8 percent of lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth respondents had seriously considered suicide in the previous year, and 29.4 percent had attempted suicide, compared with 14.8 percent of heterosexual youth who had seriously considered suicide in the previous year and 6.4 percent of heterosexual youth who had attempted suicide.”


@темы: the eternal debate, issues


Skyrim, bye

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
 photo ScreenShot597.jpg

It's been more than 1,5 years since I started playing Skyrim, longer than I have played any single game. Some months I didn't feel like playing, others I couldn't but I knew I will end this journey. I don't really like it when games don't have an end, it kills the sense of purpose. But I wanted it to have one so I put off the main quest until I did every other thing I wanted to do. So now that it's over, I have no regrets to delete the game and move on. Of course, it's hard when you invest so much into it. All of my 5 houses, all the stuff I collected, the ton of alchemy ingredients and dozens of potions I never used. But I have to move on. Life goes on.

I know I haven't experience a lot of what Skyrim has to offer, even the 3 EPs that are available not to mention the hundreds of mods available. But I don't regret it. If I tried to do that at once, I might not be able to leave it alone now. Maybe one day a few years from now I might but I suspect by that time there will be other games I'd want to try, we shall see. For now I'll stash my 400 screens and say Goodbye to Skyrim.

@темы: Games


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I got to bed a little earlier than usual but couldn't get up because the dreams were too damn interesting. There were many of them flowing one into another but the most important part was when I was walking with a girl around my age (I think I thought she was Jewish) and I was sort of a tourist who had to go back soon. I saw these half-submerged ruins with people gathering there and wanted to investigate. She was a native there and we stepped onto this little island. We then sat together leaning into each other and I felt such a deep connection with her in mere moments. She also tried to pass me some of her knowledge telepathically but I'm unsure how that went. I knew I would never see her again and it saddened me so. We then went to this sort of palace but the door to the main room was only about 20 cm tall, she passed it with ease but I could only stick my head in there. Meanwhile, other people of her race came to the door and for some reason seeing me, the outsider, they got scared. I really wished I could come there once more.

@темы: Dreams


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Finally watched Capitalism: A Love Story. I also watched Where to Invade Next. What can I say? Not all heroes wear capes.

@темы: documentaries


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I seldom gt hooked but recently I got hooked on a stupid Jpop Asia game. I'm at fucking Round 104. And I was close to bankruptcy at one point after getting Gackt so I had to get point from filling in the lyrics and adding some Givuss stuff. And at first I was like 'I'm not gonna do any reselling' but now I'm "HELL YESA! Imma buy Big Bang and sell it for 20 GRAND!" Basically, now I'm mostly just missing NEWS. Someone was selling them for 8.5k awhile ago but I didn't have that much anyway. But once I have them my motivation would be pretty low I guess so I'll just keep playin' for now.


@темы: snapshot


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Finally gave in and started an AOO account. I've contemplated it for years but it didn't seem to make much sense but it feels like any potantial audience left LJ years ago. Well, it is done. I've hestitated about TVXQ stuff but I posted it anyway. I guess I feared my fics might cause a strong reaction but more than that I fear they will get no reaction at all.


@темы: fanfix


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Watched a film called 'Equals'. I already ranted about Sci-fi and distopias but seriously, the whole thing is a cross-breed between 'A Brave New World' and 'Equilibrium'. So much resources wasted on such mediocre rehash. The world of the movie is neither explained not justified (why would people lose all emotions without any imprinting or drugs?), the structure is ungrounded (in such a world surveillance systems would catch the two before even they realized what was happening to them) not to mention the whole plot is just going nowhere slow. The only thing that somewhat save it is the actors. But really, why do you have to keep straining it? Can't someone made good adaption of the classics instead? There are plenty great plots out there.

@темы: movies, review


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
 photo BD1016tg.jpg

You are not my favourite singer and I don't want to be your girlfriend, but you keep my restless brain busy and bring entertainment to my shitty life and for that I thank you.

@темы: Birthday


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
America has voted. Not that surprised, really. Back in 2004 they chose Bush over Obama but it's been 12 years and I hoped. But nope, US is fucked.

All the answers are here:

@темы: the world was never sane


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
"One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman. No biological, psychological or economic fate determines the figure that the human female presents in society; it is civilization as a whole that produces this creature … which is described as feminine." Simone de Beauvoir

Cross-dressing is nothing new but somehow watching the recent SCP made me think about a lot of things. For one, it I really felt that femininity is mostly a social construct. Both Koyama and Shige were taught to enter a female frame of mind but in the end that’s just an image of a female frame of mind.

In the case of Shige, he tried to become onnagata which is a traditional role in Kabuki theatre. Since women were forbidden to act in theatre, onnagata were men who consistently played female roles. It wasn’t about just looking pretty, it was about bringing out the feminine aura, in gestures and language. It was about becoming “more feminine than a woman”. Which is actually kind of absurd if you think about it. An apple can be fresh or rotten, red or green but it can’t be more or less of an apple.

I think femininity is a set of features that men find desirable in a woman. No girl naturally smells like flowers, no girl is born with good manners or elegant language, these things are taught to us. Of course, some are naturally closer to the ideal, more beautiful or graceful, but in the end nobody is born a lady, just like nobody is born a gentleman. Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed the segment and I’m glad everyone had fun. It’s just that… when you think about it, it was two men teaching another two men how to be women and that’s pretty damn odd.

Masculinity always celebrated more universal human virtues - strength, courage, decisiveness, self-control. Men could have personalities, women were mostly expected to be pretty dolls.

The problem is not in the virtues itself though, but in the fact that those virtues are divided into two pools and you must have one corresponding to your gender. And even if a man, for instance, has all the right virtues of a man but also some of a woman he might be punished and mocked for those extra virtues. For years my sister was making fun of my Japanese and Korean artists saying she couldn't take them seriously because of their looks and manners and it always made me angry. I mean you don't have to find everyone personally attractive, in a way it's similar to men who mock unattractive women becasue they find no other value in them. The worst part though is that someone like Jaejoong is more of a man you could ever hope to see. Leaving home at the age of 14, working odd jobs and enduring a million hardships to pursue his dream and help support his family. Is there anything more manly than that? And yet all people noted was his face and his manners and motherly warmth.

You are taught to believe that masculine and feminine are opposites like light and dark, Sun and Moon, Ying and Yang, but now I realize those are just illusions. Light and Dark are not opposites - dark is just the absence of light. Sun and Moon are not opposites - Sun is a star and Moon is just a satellite. Masculinity and femininity are not mutually exclusive. It's something Japanese men made me realize. You could be both strong and gentle and you can be neither.

I'm not saying we should abolish gender altogether, but we certainly should relax its boundaries. I just wish the virtues were common for everyone and we celebrated a woman's strength as much as her beauty and a man's nurturing nature as much as his courage.

@темы: musings, i'm a geek


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It's legit snowing outside. Hello, Winter! Aren't you a little fucking early?

@темы: snapshot


TV Series Digest

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Since US dramas are all fucking cyclic, September to May, I'm not keen on going an episode per week with tons of breaks. There's also some Netflix stuff but I quit OITNB and the Marvel Defender series are way too bleak. So a girl had to try and look for something to pass the time of meals.


I found this one due to its good ratings and critical acclaim (and 00's lack of violence) and wondered why I never heard of it. Well, I guess it would be better if I never did. It really made me wonder just how exactly it became so popular. Straight from episode 1 the plot was ridiculous, the characterisation poor and it was clear the whole point of the show was to just see the pretty lead do cool stuff in high heels. And if Season 1 was bearable, it just kept getting worse and worse until te plot had more holes in it than a hooker's fishnets. Seriously. I couldn't help but compare it to Dark Angel which aired at the same time and while it had some a few weak point, it was about 20 times better in plot, characters and dialogue. Yet, DA got drooped after 2nd season and this bullshit went on for full 5. I'm not sure how we struggled through 3 of them but it had to stop.

The Real O'Neils

I already wrote about this but it was a nice find. Not a 10 of course and a lot of awkward humour but it's generally nice and very bold. The characters are good and some jokes are on point. S1 flew by in a blink so I'll wait for S2 without getting my hopes up.


I found a favourable mention of it and liked the trialed so I gave it a try. The main subject was interesting and the first season was generally pretty good despite some low humour and odd plotlines. I liked the heroine and the premise definitely had potential. However, S2 kept getting fewer hits and more misses and by S3 it was a disaster. The last episode made me want to pretend I never saw it.

Now it's over and I'm at a loss again. Agents of Shield premiere looked stupid af so not sure if I even want to know. The comedy shows are generally embarrassing and the popular shows are all too bleak.

@темы: series

The Diary of a Graphomaniac