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I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...

@темы: snapshot, .jp


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
My lonely living has been going really well so far. I didn't even feel anxious the first day like I used to before. I also had a notable relapse a few days ago but I managed it really well and it passed in just a day.

There's a lot of thing about. The terrible indigestion I've had for like a month is gone and my sleep's been oddly normal. Also lately I've been eating a lot of chocolate but since I've been alone I haven't really brought any sweets and I don't want to. Actually, that's not quite true. Sister brought me those imported chocolate-coated peanuts and I haven't had them in like 15 years probably and I was wondering how they taste but once I did I couldn't stop. After all, they're damn good.

I was looking for new shows to watch but it proved a difficult task. I want to watch Gaycation and I will I'm sure but it's not as jolly as it sounds. As expected, nothing regrading LGBT ever is. The s1e1 Japan was mostly fun but the later episodes have a lot of drama in them and I'm just not ready for that right now. There's also a couple of really interesting documentaries on sex and gender but they're all pretty heavy. I dunno, I was going to watch that stuff alone, too much gay for my mum to handle.

I then picked up The Real O’Neals which is a very normal family sitcom expect it really feels so 2016. QaF is one thing but having a family show where a boy comes out and his siblings are just like "Ok, cool" is something almost surreal.

@темы: snapshot


Home Alone

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
So now it's just me and Raquelle. I will be mildly freaking out today but tomorrow I'll be fine. I might as well write a note to help myself gain a sense of direction and make the best of this time.

- Buy BD card

- Send BD package / receive the package for me (wtf is in it ugh)

- Finish the X-men Comic

- clean up my room

- watch that dumb movie I have kept for the occasion

- Rewatch all the faves while I can

- maybe try to finish fucking Skyrim already

- Work on Part 3. I know it's too heavy but it needs to be finished somehow.

- Call Z. Seriously, do it already.

- Finish and publish those S3 shoes. It's been 3 years.

There has to be more, I'll add later.


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Heavy precipitation all weekend and possibly the following week.

@темы: snapshot


Martians Might Be Real. That Makes Mars Exploration Way More Complicated

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I kinda been into space stuff lately. I always have been but recently I rediscovered my passion. Anyway, after looking at the new Mars surface photos from Curiosity, I stumbled upon this article that blew my mind.


The question that arises now is not how life on Earth evolved but why. Why bother creating complex organisms when tiny bacteria is that much more viable?

@темы: i'm a geek


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I'm so sentimental today, I nearly cried at a cartoon of a runaway refrigerator. I dunno, if it's hormones getting weird of something. I wonder if this is how normal girls feel.

@музыка: PJ Harvey - A Place Called Home (Live)

@темы: myself, musings


Sid Meier's Civilization - Beyond Earth: Rising Tide

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...

 photo beyond earth.jpg

I just achieved a second victory in Sid Meier's Civilization - Beyond Earth which is really just a remake of Sid Meyer's Alpha Centauri. I don't know they renamed it, the game borrows all of AC's features including quotes and local fauna. The science has been reconstructed completely but it's now confusing as fuck. The social engineering has been replaced by something called 'virtues' which doesn't make any sense. The display is also a lot less convenient.

Of course, the improved graphics are nice and things such as explorations add fun to the game, but thinking of all the stuff that could be improved in the 15 years since AC, Id' say it's a failure. More than anything, it lacks the strong spirit of Alpha Centauri. The quotes are poor and rather boring, the leader profiles are somewhat primitive and the voice of the Russian guy is cringe-worthy. There's no achievement pyramid, no planetary council, no video after completing projects and of course no brilliant fiction. While some of the quests are good, the building ones are just plain annoying. The final videos is a good idea except they are lame and disappointing. The intro video, on the contrary, was very HQ but didn't make any goddamn sense. My second victory was by contact and basically, nothing happened. Oh, and I miss that digital voice... All in all, it feels like they copied the mechanics of the game but left out the things that made it a complete experience. Why couldn't they just make a visual update of AC like they did with Colonization instead of ruining the game? Then again maybe most gamers won't give a fuck.

@музыка: Flosstradamus - Details (ft. PK Hardstyle)

@темы: Games


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Just when Yoochun's case has been steadily clearing up, I found out Yoohwan's girlfriend of 4 years is suing him for breaking their common law marriage. This year is insane.

@темы: Yoochunnie


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I failed to post these in time and thought it didn't matter since I do it all on tumblr now anyway but my guilty conscience won't let me rest so...

 photo QUARTETTOTourShopMassu01.jpg  photo QUARTETTOSetShige04.jpg

@темы: Birthday


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Lately I've been hitting the documentaries. It's just one of those stages. I've come through quite a few and all of them were amazing. A good documentary has several important features - the volume and accessibility of information, the director's and cameraman's work, and a good narrator or host. But more than anything, what I really seek in a documentary is the ability to change my perspective, let me see things in a new light.

Not long ago I delved into biology with a few docs on cells and DNA and they were ok but I wasn't quite pleased by them. But the ones I discovered recently have all been hits. First of all, it's "How We Got to Now". I watched a lot of docs about ancient inventions, I loved those a lot but this one was a bit different. It was about how some fundamental inventions and idea have shaped the modern world. They had a lot of information, and while normally I don't like jumping through time and distance, this series had good structure and was really engaging. The host was nice too. This show unlocked something within me. One day I got came into the bathroom and suddenly started looking all all the usual objects as if I saw them for the first time. My mind started wondering how invented those things and how many years people have been perfecting it and where the exact object I had was made and how much thought and effort it took to land it here, in my bathroom. Those kinds of insights are what make me feel alive.

I also got one about space and the distant planets called "Alien Worlds". While 90% theoratical, it was very stimulating. It also led to building space colonies again, but later about that. Then there was one documentary called "Charles Darwin. The Tree of Life". It was a crash course into the evolution theory nicely structured and with beautiful cinematography. Then, due to the scorching heat that we're having, I took up the BBC's Wild Arabia and it was a winner. More than anything, it was beautifully filmed and some footage was breathtaking. But there were also some very unexpected elements to it that sated my mind in addition to my senses. And now I started BBC's Wonders of Life and it more than lives up to its name so far.

Thank you for the documentaries.

@темы: documentaries


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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A few days to get my package across the globe, nearly 2 weeks to get it my my post office and another 5 weeks to fucking inform me...

Well, doesn't matter now, she's here. She's home.

@музыка: No Doubt - Ex-Girlfriend

@темы: little treasures


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
This period in my life I shall later refer to as 'Waiting for Raquelle'...

@темы: snapshot


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
The last few days have been full of shit, basically but still I saw the light when something drove me on another one of my media adventures and I found a diamond that is the album of Boaz Mauda. That boy sings like an angel. The whole album is true thing of beauty. It's te kind of music that even though you can't understand the lyrics, it feels like God speaks to you.

 photo front cover.jpg

@музыка: בועז מעודה - בועז מעודה

@темы: Artist



I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
 photo sia-alive-lyric-video-black-white-wig.png

Over the last year I discovered so many amazingly talented female artists. Starting with Marina, I met Lorde, rediscovered Melanie, got briefly acquainted with Ellie and Lana. As if that wasn't great already, there came Sia. I really loved Electric Heart which was an OST to Hunger Games but it was only a few months back that I downloaded her album. And then another one. And another. All 7 of them turned out to be amazing and very different. From the nostalgic acid jazz of 'Only See', to more dramatic and themed 'Healing Is Difficult', lyrical and soothing 'Colour The Small One' and 'Some People Have Real Problems' to funky 'We Are Born' and finally the catchy but very serious pop '1000 Forms Of Fear' and 'This Is Acting'. Her music is full of colours and has so much soul it instantly resonated with me.

I am so grateful I found her. Lately good music is just about the only thing I can rely on.

@музыка: Sia - Insidiously

@настроение: pretty decent for once

@темы: Artist


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I've always been alienated. In so many ways. In my childhood I was shy and was mostly keeping to myself though it's not like I felt lonely, I was fine and people got very disappointing very early. Then, as I got just a little older, I became a fan. First it was CN, then TV shows and music and since 16 bands. Since then I felt alienated from people who weren't fans. Later I found some like-minded people but it only lasted a couple of years. Since I lost everyone who I considered friends, it's been hard once again. People my age are living very different lives and my fandomness is a kind of a dirty secret. Then of course there's my mental issues so make that two secrets. Lately I feel even more alienated because now even fandom doesn't make me feel connected. I'm nothing like the normal fans: I don't like the band's music, I don't want to go to their concert and I always keep a certain emotional distance from it. I also try to keep my thoughts to myself to avoid hurting anyone. But at the end of the day, all that matters is keeping myself sane.

@темы: myself, musings


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Tonight I saw this beautiful loving QaF-themed dream. As always, good dream only happen when I'm fucked up.

@темы: Dreams


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
As if the last few days weren't hard enough, there's the Yoochun's case. I wasn't freaking out when I heard about it, I seemed to be mildly upset but the truth is it hit somewhere really deep. I learned it in tumblr which is a very bad place to learn about rape charges, things just get savage. Then I went to JYJ3 and there with so much contrast fans were all outraged and supportive, I felt even more alienated. I was hoping it was untrue, but I had no real reason to.

Now that the charges have been dropped, the fans are relieved but I'm not. If the case went to court, the details would be public and if he won I could be at least mostly assured he was innocent. Now there's even more confusion.

@темы: Yoochunnie


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Today the most successful Pride event in this country up to date took place. I was actually contemplating going but I'm not that brave yet. The organizers are happy that many people turned up and that it passed safe but in the end it's still sad that walking a mile for what you believe in is still dangerous and requires 6k police officers. But at least I'm glad nobody got hurt and that the police was actually doing their job.

But apart from the event, I finally took time to study the present situation with LGBT in this country as a whole and it left me very upset. Not only did I see scores of hateful comments, the actual violence rates went up frantically. This country has no place in Europe or civilized world, it's filled with hate and ignorance and that is yet another reason I don't want to be its citizen.


@темы: the eternal debate, issues


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It's been really a very fucking hard week, in many ways. The work has been stressful and yet I saw another chance and took it. While the new job still isn't decided on, I talked to my boss and told him I'm planning to leave. I was going to wait but Alisa was very serious about it so I though I owed them that much. It was pretty bold though and I don't regret it in the least. They asked me to work for another 4 weeks and that is not cool tbh, but somehow I'll make it. I'm feeling really badass right now, probably more so that I ever did before in my life. I am really not afraid of any outcome.

@темы: milestone, myself


Queer as Folk

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
 photo tumblr_static_9st27ph1qm0wg00g8088wc8ck_2048_v2.jpg

And so, after what? 7? 8? 9? years I finished watching QaF. I watched S1 up to about ep 17 twice but at the time there was no more and the CD it was recorded on got damaged. Last year I started again and this time I got to S2E6 where I ran out of episodes, it took another few months to resume and another few till I watched it to the end.

Season 1 was engaging right from the pilot episode but now it feels like a prequel, it's only after it that things get real. Somehow slowly the story really gets to you and you find yourself drawn in. The whole series was very well-paced. I think S3 has to be my favourite, the finale really captured my heart but every season had its moments.

I'm not 100% happy with the ending. Not because of the failed wedding, no. In fact, the whole thing with the wedding was over the top in the first place. Also I really didn't get Justin at first being tired of Brian's whoring and then saying Brian isn't Brian when he's not whoring. Like, WTF was that? There were too many cheesy things in there, felt out of place. But overall, it was good, it felt right. I almost cried in the end, it hit me right in the feels and I wasn't expecting that.

Now let me talk about the characters.

Ted: You can't fool me. You gotta free yourself of this burden. Release it. Let it all hang out.
Brian: My mother was a frigid bitch. My father was an abusive drunk. They had a hateful marriage, which is probably why I am unwilling or unable to form a committed long-term relationship of my own. The fact that I drink like a fish, abuse drugs, and have more or less redefined promiscuity doesn't help, much. As a result, I've lost the two people in my life that mean most to me.

Brian Kinney. This man deserves his own paragraph. At first you'd think he'd be boring, one of those types that everyone falls for, who's too perfect and cliche but he's not, he's a great complex character with a through backstory and one of the very few I identify with. Which may seem odd because I'm so far from hedonism but it's what he believes, his honestly and cynicism that speak to me. He's strong, bold and unapologetic. He does what he believes in no matter how hard it is and whether people understand him or not. People get mad at him for saying cruel things but more often than not, he ends up being right. He clearly has his issues but he's dealing with them the best he can. I also love the fact that he's not some cliched dramatic fuck who has lost his faith in love after some bullshit incident that broke his heart and his promiscuity isn't a facade and a means to cover up vulnerability. He knows himself, his weaknesses and the reasons for them.

And then there's Justin. I didn't like him at first. He was just a brat. But he was a very strong one and I couldn't help but start respecting him. Then, somewhere around S3 I found myself liking him. He matured, he became more rational and his passion got focused. He went from fanboying over Brian to really loving him but he still held his values first and I think that's why Brian respected him. He actually understood Brian better than anyone did and way better than Michael.

Michael is adorable. Not very smart but adorable. You really want to protect him from the world and see him be happy more than anyone. And Hal Sparks actually seems a lot like him. Ted was just a lame character. He was adding something to the story at some points and presented a contrast as a counterpart of Brian but his storylines just kept getting more and more ridiculous with drugs and plastic surgery and whatever. Also Emmett's sugar daddies were a tad tiresome but Emmett was precious and essential in this show. I love Debbie and her overbearing relationship with Michael. It's hard to believe they're not related, they looked more than natural. I liked the Ethan storyline but it was killed off way too abruptly so it was too obvious he only served to move the Brian-Justin relationship to the next level.

I think character and character development is the show's strongest point. I am most fascinated with the way nobody's always right or wrong, everyone fucks up once in a while, and everyone can be the wise voice of reason some other time, it creates realism and balance.

I didn't watch QaF for love story. Then again, I guess nobody did. But now I think Brian and Justin's story is one of the best love stories I've seen. It's very unconventional. Not just because it's gay but because it's ever-changing, developing from a fling/crush into a mature relationship of two strong people who are free and quite different but try their best to make it work. It's romantic precisely because it's not.

That scene after the explosion was magical.

 photo Queer as Folk - 510.avi_snapshot_45.15_2016.05.24_03.05.56.jpg

I still have this fanvideo of them that's been on my PC since 2007 or 2008 but of course back then I had no idea.

I also couldn't not watch some interviews, BTS and specials. In a way, I always regret watching those because they ruin the magic, you can never see the media the same as you did before. Most of the cast seemed absolutely happy to be on the show and thrilled with everything but Gale and Randy obviously had some mixed feelings and it was a little sad. Gale especially seems like a really private person and he did not appear for most of promotions and such. He's quiet and soft-spoken, as different from Brian Kinny as it's humanly possible. It was a little disappointing, really, but at the same time that means he's an amazing actor. Also everyone kept talking about how technical it all was and being all professional, it really ruined the mood, especially with the amazing chemistry of Brian and Justin.

Another part of QaF that I love is sсript. To me it probably comes at #2 after the characters. There was some great humour on the show but also there were some really fucking wise things in there too. I took time to collect some from the web.


Goodbye, Queer as Folk. I loveded you.

@темы: series

The Diary of a Graphomaniac