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Skyrim, bye

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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It's been more than 1,5 years since I started playing Skyrim, longer than I have played any single game. Some months I didn't feel like playing, others I couldn't but I knew I will end this journey. I don't really like it when games don't have an end, it kills the sense of purpose. But I wanted it to have one so I put off the main quest until I did every other thing I wanted to do. So now that it's over, I have no regrets to delete the game and move on. Of course, it's hard when you invest so much into it. All of my 5 houses, all the stuff I collected, the ton of alchemy ingredients and dozens of potions I never used. But I have to move on. Life goes on.

I know I haven't experience a lot of what Skyrim has to offer, even the 3 EPs that are available not to mention the hundreds of mods available. But I don't regret it. If I tried to do that at once, I might not be able to leave it alone now. Maybe one day a few years from now I might but I suspect by that time there will be other games I'd want to try, we shall see. For now I'll stash my 400 screens and say Goodbye to Skyrim.

@темы: Games


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I got to bed a little earlier than usual but couldn't get up because the dreams were too damn interesting. There were many of them flowing one into another but the most important part was when I was walking with a girl around my age (I think I thought she was Jewish) and I was sort of a tourist who had to go back soon. I saw these half-submerged ruins with people gathering there and wanted to investigate. She was a native there and we stepped onto this little island. We then sat together leaning into each other and I felt such a deep connection with her in mere moments. She also tried to pass me some of her knowledge telepathically but I'm unsure how that went. I knew I would never see her again and it saddened me so. We then went to this sort of palace but the door to the main room was only about 20 cm tall, she passed it with ease but I could only stick my head in there. Meanwhile, other people of her race came to the door and for some reason seeing me, the outsider, they got scared. I really wished I could come there once more.

@темы: Dreams


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Finally watched Capitalism: A Love Story. I also watched Where to Invade Next. What can I say? Not all heroes wear capes.

@темы: documentaries


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I seldom gt hooked but recently I got hooked on a stupid Jpop Asia game. I'm at fucking Round 104. And I was close to bankruptcy at one point after getting Gackt so I had to get point from filling in the lyrics and adding some Givuss stuff. And at first I was like 'I'm not gonna do any reselling' but now I'm "HELL YESA! Imma buy Big Bang and sell it for 20 GRAND!" Basically, now I'm mostly just missing NEWS. Someone was selling them for 8.5k awhile ago but I didn't have that much anyway. But once I have them my motivation would be pretty low I guess so I'll just keep playin' for now.


@темы: snapshot


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Finally gave in and started an AOO account. I've contemplated it for years but it didn't seem to make much sense but it feels like any potantial audience left LJ years ago. Well, it is done. I've hestitated about TVXQ stuff but I posted it anyway. I guess I feared my fics might cause a strong reaction but more than that I fear they will get no reaction at all.


@темы: fanfix


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Watched a film called 'Equals'. I already ranted about Sci-fi and distopias but seriously, the whole thing is a cross-breed between 'A Brave New World' and 'Equilibrium'. So much resources wasted on such mediocre rehash. The world of the movie is neither explained not justified (why would people lose all emotions without any imprinting or drugs?), the structure is ungrounded (in such a world surveillance systems would catch the two before even they realized what was happening to them) not to mention the whole plot is just going nowhere slow. The only thing that somewhat save it is the actors. But really, why do you have to keep straining it? Can't someone made good adaption of the classics instead? There are plenty great plots out there.

@темы: movies, review


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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You are not my favourite singer and I don't want to be your girlfriend, but you keep my restless brain busy and bring entertainment to my shitty life and for that I thank you.

@темы: Birthday


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
America has voted. Not that surprised, really. Back in 2004 they chose Bush over Obama but it's been 12 years and I hoped. But nope, US is fucked.

All the answers are here:

@темы: the world was never sane


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
"One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman. No biological, psychological or economic fate determines the figure that the human female presents in society; it is civilization as a whole that produces this creature … which is described as feminine." Simone de Beauvoir

Cross-dressing is nothing new but somehow watching the recent SCP made me think about a lot of things. For one, it I really felt that femininity is mostly a social construct. Both Koyama and Shige were taught to enter a female frame of mind but in the end that’s just an image of a female frame of mind.

In the case of Shige, he tried to become onnagata which is a traditional role in Kabuki theatre. Since women were forbidden to act in theatre, onnagata were men who consistently played female roles. It wasn’t about just looking pretty, it was about bringing out the feminine aura, in gestures and language. It was about becoming “more feminine than a woman”. Which is actually kind of absurd if you think about it. An apple can be fresh or rotten, red or green but it can’t be more or less of an apple.

I think femininity is a set of features that men find desirable in a woman. No girl naturally smells like flowers, no girl is born with good manners or elegant language, these things are taught to us. Of course, some are naturally closer to the ideal, more beautiful or graceful, but in the end nobody is born a lady, just like nobody is born a gentleman. Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed the segment and I’m glad everyone had fun. It’s just that… when you think about it, it was two men teaching another two men how to be women and that’s pretty damn odd.

Masculinity always celebrated more universal human virtues - strength, courage, decisiveness, self-control. Men could have personalities, women were mostly expected to be pretty dolls.

The problem is not in the virtues itself though, but in the fact that those virtues are divided into two pools and you must have one corresponding to your gender. And even if a man, for instance, has all the right virtues of a man but also some of a woman he might be punished and mocked for those extra virtues. For years my sister was making fun of my Japanese and Korean artists saying she couldn't take them seriously because of their looks and manners and it always made me angry. I mean you don't have to find everyone personally attractive, in a way it's similar to men who mock unattractive women becasue they find no other value in them. The worst part though is that someone like Jaejoong is more of a man you could ever hope to see. Leaving home at the age of 14, working odd jobs and enduring a million hardships to pursue his dream and help support his family. Is there anything more manly than that? And yet all people noted was his face and his manners and motherly warmth.

You are taught to believe that masculine and feminine are opposites like light and dark, Sun and Moon, Ying and Yang, but now I realize those are just illusions. Light and Dark are not opposites - dark is just the absence of light. Sun and Moon are not opposites - Sun is a star and Moon is just a satellite. Masculinity and femininity are not mutually exclusive. It's something Japanese men made me realize. You could be both strong and gentle and you can be neither.

I'm not saying we should abolish gender altogether, but we certainly should relax its boundaries. I just wish the virtues were common for everyone and we celebrated a woman's strength as much as her beauty and a man's nurturing nature as much as his courage.

@темы: musings, i'm a geek


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It's legit snowing outside. Hello, Winter! Aren't you a little fucking early?

@темы: snapshot


TV Series Digest

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Since US dramas are all fucking cyclic, September to May, I'm not keen on going an episode per week with tons of breaks. There's also some Netflix stuff but I quit OITNB and the Marvel Defender series are way too bleak. So a girl had to try and look for something to pass the time of meals.


I found this one due to its good ratings and critical acclaim (and 00's lack of violence) and wondered why I never heard of it. Well, I guess it would be better if I never did. It really made me wonder just how exactly it became so popular. Straight from episode 1 the plot was ridiculous, the characterisation poor and it was clear the whole point of the show was to just see the pretty lead do cool stuff in high heels. And if Season 1 was bearable, it just kept getting worse and worse until te plot had more holes in it than a hooker's fishnets. Seriously. I couldn't help but compare it to Dark Angel which aired at the same time and while it had some a few weak point, it was about 20 times better in plot, characters and dialogue. Yet, DA got drooped after 2nd season and this bullshit went on for full 5. I'm not sure how we struggled through 3 of them but it had to stop.

The Real O'Neils

I already wrote about this but it was a nice find. Not a 10 of course and a lot of awkward humour but it's generally nice and very bold. The characters are good and some jokes are on point. S1 flew by in a blink so I'll wait for S2 without getting my hopes up.


I found a favourable mention of it and liked the trialed so I gave it a try. The main subject was interesting and the first season was generally pretty good despite some low humour and odd plotlines. I liked the heroine and the premise definitely had potential. However, S2 kept getting fewer hits and more misses and by S3 it was a disaster. The last episode made me want to pretend I never saw it.

Now it's over and I'm at a loss again. Agents of Shield premiere looked stupid af so not sure if I even want to know. The comedy shows are generally embarrassing and the popular shows are all too bleak.

@темы: series


Sims 3 Sex Mods

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I have been using Kinky World for months but after the new versions came out my game did not take it well. So now I'm using Passion. Both mods have their good and bad points and I'm gonna write a bit about those.

Kinky World

Pros: Is a more comprehensive mod integrating into the gameplay. Has several custom traits, a lot of custom moodlets and reactions to sexual actions. A skill to keep track of all your naughty and proficiency in each type. Morphing nipples. Exhibitionist skill and appropriate reactions to outfits and lack of them.

Cons: Very unstable, potentially a lot of bugs such as bugged interactions with objects. Overly complex system of arousal, attraction and skills that limits your interaction options. In a way it is fun but overtime it gets tedious. Newer versions include creampied moodlets and actual visual that are often assigned incorrectly resulting in much awkwardness. Has options for disturbing content which is impossible to fully disable.


Pros: Simple to use, allows to use any animation at any time. Allows adding almost any animation pack. Fast reactions, smooth transitions between animations.

Cons: Incorrectly positions objects ruining a number of animations. Third parties may join without your permission.

Basically, at first after switching to Passion I was so relieved that it didn't mess up my game and how easy it was to operate. However, the more I played the more I realized how much I missed a lot of KW's functionality.

@темы: Sims 3


Nijikan Dake no Vacance

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...

So into this video. I was introduced to it by Shige on his radio but I'm almost sure I'd have learned about it soon enough anyway since I love Utada Hikaru. Anyway, I don't even know, there's just something breathtaking about the PV. And then there's the homoerotic undertone, of course. Btw, last week Shige talked about Sia's 'The Greatest'. He has no mercy on me.

@темы: snapshot



I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
A few days ago I somehow brought up the subject of fairy-tales. I have been interested in the subject before and made a few dives into it several times. This time, however, my focus was a little different. Previously I mostly educated myself on the original versions of the classic fairy-tales which are often very gruesome. Tonight I tried to find out the origin of the damsel in distress trope and the more I dug, the more interesting it got.

I often noted how most Russian fiary-tales involving romance did not feature a noble knight rescuing a maiden. In fact, very often it was quite the opposite - a young woman with much wisdom and talent would solve the man's problems. Some popular stories feature a very dumb incompetent man who is very lucky and somehow ends up getting a princess and 'half a kingdom'. I am no expert in folklore and the fairy-tales I remember from my childhood had very mixed origin, many of them came from Western Europe and were adapted. But I couldn't help but notice how a lot of them featured a young heroine saving her brother/s from a curse or abduction. I especially like The Wild Swans, there's something really elegant about the story. The Snow Queen is quite similar in that a young girl goes out of her way to save a boy who she loves. At any rate, I realized I decidedly like the Fairy-tales written or rewritten in 19th century, by Andersen and Wilde. Those have elegance as well as a strong moral message, mostly Christian values in the best sense. While many of them are still problematic and sad, like the Little Mermaid, at least they let the heroine have a choice and some control over her life, even though her choice always seem to to be the one to sacrifice everything for the man.

I never really was into Fairy-Tales all that much, not sure why. Maybe they were too primitive and sent dubious message. I have read about some of the most popular ones and it turns out I can in fact like them much less. Most of them feature a heroine who is perfectly beautiful, obedient and kind but is also naive and pretty much stupid. Her beauty and passivity is celebrated. This is taken to the extreme in Sleeping Beauty and Snow White as the princes find the two asleep or presumably dead. In Cinderella too, it is clearly not the heroine's personality the Prince falls for.

But though the heroines in the fairy-tales do very little, it's not like the heroes are very active either. They also have no personality apart from being handsome and cool and basically perfect. They do not fight dragons or evil witches to save their beloved ones, they just meet them by accident and fall for them and marry them. Sleeping Beauty features a man rescuing a princess. However, there are several version of the tale and in one of them the Prince does wake the Princess with a kiss but he doesn't save her by doing so. In fact, the Princess wakes up because the 100-year curse runs out and he just happens to come by when it does. And I'm not even going to discuss the other version of the tale where the Prince impregnates the Princess who he thinks is dead and she wakes up because one of her babies sucks out the thorn in her finger. In Rapunzel while the girl is initially a victim, the prince fails to save her and in the end it is her that cures his blindness. My favourite fact is that In the Scottish version of Show White, it is the King's new wife who awakens the sleeping woman and it is also her who tricks and punishes the evil Queen. In other versions, it's either a servant or the King's mother who wake her up. Beauty and the Beast is the lesser evil among the popular tales. Belle makes the decision to save her father and there is some character development and complexity such as though the Beast is being manipulative at first, he shows kindness by allowing Belle to go see her father. But to quote Henal Patel's work, "Men in fairy tales do not need to do anything. They are ideal because of who they are. Royalty means that they are handsome, brave, and good. Their actions are not judged singularly, even if they are disgusting."

Perhaps the most popular image of a gentle lady and a noble knight comes from King Arthur tales but if you look at original epic stories and legends, such as Beowulf or the story of Saint George, they are always focused on the knights and their heroic deeds, the women had very little importance in them and romantic sub-plots were usually added later.

Of course the trope of damsel in distress existed since ancient times but it wasn't nearly as frequent as it may seem now. I assume some stories were fished out and replicated in 19th-20th century and thus it now seems like it was always like this. And then, of course, come video games to revive and power up that archaic male fantasy.


@музыка: Russel Mills - all wise fly (pneuma)

@темы: i'm a geek


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It’s October 17 and that means it’s been 3 years since I wrote my first NEWS-related post. Well, actually, Tegoshi-related post but it went from there. What I expected to be just a casual fling, turned into a deep romance. Fuck you, guys.

@темы: NEWS.


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I noticed the bills started coming to my name, not my mum. I'm the household's primary adult now. That's kind of scary.

@темы: snapshot


24h TV

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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Finally, 18 hours later I'm done watching 24h TV that took place on Aug 27-28. I could have just watched the NEWS parts since there weren't that many, really, but I wanted to have the complete experience. NEWS were the main personalities and I expected them to be the main hosts but they weren't, it was mostly Hatori-san and that cute girl. Guess the boys got used for their cute faces huh. I was a little disappointed but also a little relieved since there's fewer parts I have to cover. They also got to sing several songs and it was all good.

I was about to buy a box of kleenex for all the drama but in the end my emotions were very weak, I cried about 3-4 times and not even hard. I was hoping watching people with disabilities and severe illness would make me feel like my own problems are insignificant but alas no such thing happened. If anything, it only made me feel worse. About everything. The people in the show were all incredibly strong and amazing and they were supposed to give everyone courage but... Some of the stories were just tragic and unfair no matter how you looked at it. Like the 4-year old boy who was so full of life and charm and was more of a man in his very short life than many adults, the newscaster girl who died a year after achieving her dream or the genius young composer... Their fates were just cruel and if that's a part of a divine plan - fuck it.

Apart from that, I found some of the stories not as touching as they were supposed to be. Such as the one of parents celebrating 20th birthday of a girl who died years ago. I understand it's very hard to cope with such a loss, but it's not good pretending she is alive, you have to move on. There were several more stories that I had mixed feelings about. Tegoshi's project was... odd. But at least that was what the girl wanted. In Shige's case so much work went into the video and it was really amazing but it wasn't very clear if the girl really enjoyed it. I mean she probably did to some degree but it left a much bigger impression on everyone else. People were crying and I must be mean because I think the children born with severe impairments do not fully understand the scope of their disabilities and sometimes don't even know they are disabled and therefore do not understand why people pity them. It is mostly their parents who suffer. Anyway, some projects were nice and meaningful but others were pure tear-jerkers. Reminds me of that 7 Days project Koyama did in Amazon that was supposed to be all inspiring and sentimental but the children looked very unimpressed.

But if I had to pick one story I enjoyed, it would be of the swimmer girl, she is just so amazingly strong and lovable. I was also very touched by the family of a blind mother and a deaf father and their amazing kid. All in all, it was an interesting experience, I wanted to watch something so important to the Japanese audience. I am also glad the whole marathon went smoothly, I think NEWS were really good for the role. I mean maybe other bands did a great job too, but NEWS were probably a little more since because they were truly happy about this opportunity and didn't take it for granted.

@темы: NEWS.


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I can't believe I've been gearing Emma for 2 years, did every damn upgrade and she still can't pass then this iron jerk with adamantium-laces bullies comes and bounces his way though the Cosmic Gate. I am so mad.

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In other news, I'm playing Sims 3 again and KW was fucking up my game big time so in the end I decided to try Passion and it's good. Still getting used to it but it's simple and functional and very effective.

@музыка: David Usher - Black Black Heart

@темы: Games


Civil War vs Apocalypse

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
This post is way overdue but my soul won't rest until I write all about the two Marvel's latest movies.

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The Civil War left me very confused. I wasn't expecting much, really but I couldn't expect it would be so... boring? That's definitely the last thing you'd expect a superhero movie to be. The movie was very commercially and critically successful and I was really surprised just how much I didn't like it. It left me with a strong sense of injustice, especially with the way Apocalypse was bashed.

I just really honestly don't get what is so good about it. The plot was very complicated and very unnecessarily so. Besides, it just doesn't add up. When you try to rationalize it, most of the event in the movie don't make sense. I haven't read the comic version but I know some parts of it (like the whole Secret Avangers thing, Cap's relationship with Agent 13) make a lot more sense in it. Iron Man being the brooding and responsible? Angsting over the death of some kid? Highly unconvincing. Cap stubbornly and foolishly sacrificing everything for Bucky. Okay, that part was ok, not gonna lie.

The movie is supposed to be the entry into MCU's Phase 3 but I think that's a real mess. I liked the 1st phase, especially the Captain America and the Iron Man. They were good solid plots and character developments, you could watch them with 0 comic knowledge and enjoy them.

But now it's gotten confusing as hell. The movie are so fused together you won't get shit unless you watch them in a row. I mean even I was confused af and I consider myself a fan. I understand that it gets harder to keep it interesting and live up with the expectations every time but I still very strongly feel it could be done better. Rather than saying the movie lacked something I'd say it had too much of many things. Too much plot, too many characters, it was all a blur. It certainly felt like the movie was trying too hard.

The number of characters made it hard for them to have any real character development. The two teams didn't make much sense, most characters seemed to be just tokens and randomly chosen. I mean, c'mon, main white dude leads, best black friends, one white chick on a team. Also the insect men were just really unnecessary. I know it's a comic thing but still. But I have to admit the newest Spidey felt very authentic.

Cap's romance with Agent 13 days after Peggy's death? Really? That's wrong on so many levels. I guess the fandom just sighed and agreed that it was a desperate attempt to make the movie less gay.

I also enjoyed this trailer, it pinpointed everything wrong with the movie: www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZ3VQkK6Upo

PS: I rewatched the movie after watching Utron and I had a bit of a change of heart. I was left with a strong feeling that 1) Ultron is really crap on every single level and 2) Civil War is not that bad after all in comparison. Though everything I wrote still stands of course.

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I suppose X-men will always be more of outsiders and stay in the shadow of Avengers. And I'm ok with that but this time, this round I felt like X-Men should have been the winners. It's enough that they get ignored in the game, with massive Avengers events every movie as well as minor ones for Netflix series and even the Agents of SHIELD. But anyway, let's talk about the movie.

First of all, I loved the origins stories, not all of them were close to the books but they were all vivid and fun. Angel's very alternate character was cool too, especially his transformation into Achangel. I also liked the scene that emphasized Jean's connection to Xavier, it was a really important part of the early X-Men dynamic. I loved the young cast. Jean Grey is flawless, Scott is awkward and lovable, Storm is cool af and why is there so little Jubilee? She's so cute. Psylocke was so authentic but I feel bad about her latex costume. And then there's Quicksilver who is simply perfect. His rescue scene was awesome.

However, as many noted, Magneto and Raven didn't even have to be in this movie. Mangeto's backstory looked too dramatic but alright, at least it was canon. As for Raven... for me the character is ruined. As much as I like Jennifer Lawrence, she's this Katniss character and nothing like the original Mystique. Mystique is like 200 years old, she's mean and vicious and ruthless and that makes her interesting. J.Law's Mystique is so pointless.

Of course, there were things that could have been better. The plot was very generic but that was ok with me. I thought DOFP was way too complicated and messy. The villain and his agenda was a little boring too but still way better than Ultron.

Apocalypse was a visual experience more than anything. Of course, it helped that I watched it in a theater in 3D, that was one of this year's highlights, really. But I really think the movie was well-balanced and fun.

At the end of the day, plots and characters are fairly subjective. What really matters is if you enjoyed the movie. I think superhero movies' primary objective is to be entertaining. It's good if they are more than that but they certainly don't need to be dramas. That is why I am rooting for X-Men Apocalypse.

@темы: Marvel, review


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Just woke up from one of the most terrifying dreams ever. If wasn't violent like the ones I used to have, but it was hyper-real and creepy, more of a thriller I guess. I just woke up in an unfamiliar apartment and there were people who seemed to party but then these people wanted to hurt me. I tried to wake up but two more times I ended up there. Finally, the 3rd time I tried acting more careful and intuitive and I was finally able o wake up but oh my god, that was awful. The thing that was scariest though was how that world was just as real as this one, if not more, I couldn't believe it. I've had this type of dreams before but they were all pretty nice. Anyway, it's good to be home.

@темы: Dreams

The Diary of a Graphomaniac