I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I'm feeling rather good today. The pressure of yesterday is gone but the joy of being supported lingers. I wasn't really expecting much because of last year but I was greeted by a lot of people. From tumblr, LJ and other I got up to 20 greetings, about 5 actual posts, plus some people left likes on my congratulatory posts. And it really made all the difference. Though the notes on my posts are still on the low, I know there are quite a few people who care. After all, being important in a fandom was something I've been longing for for years and now finally I feel admired and appreciated. I am very touched.

@темы: snapshot


a realistic birthday card

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Happy Birthday, me!

I hope this year won’t suck as much as most and you don’t feel like shit at least half the time. I wish you find a job you don’t hate and that doesn’t make you feel like a maggot and have enough money to pay the bills and provide for your basic needs. Maybe you’ll find a few people you can tolerate and have at least a few occasions good enough to wear a dress or at least travel beyond the few blocks next to your house. Take care and try not to wallow in self pity too often!

Love, me. :heart:


Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Finally done with Season 2. 44 episodes, 33 hours. I have much to say.

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I knew about the series for awhile but wasn't that interested. But then I watched the one-shots and it seemed interesting enough. Well, it was. Especially after a season of 2 Broke Girls (I mean it was borderline funny and obscene but at season 2 it got very gross very quickly).

Anyway, it's been a fast and intense ride. Overall, it was pretty good but I'm still not sure it was a good idea. Unlike the PG-13 rated Marvel movies the series are a lot more fucked up and violent, even if justifiably so. Then again, Marvel sucked me in so deep I probably would have ended up watching it sooner or later anyway. Overall, I think the plot was too twisted and complicated, it was hard to keep up with. There were also many disturbing things in it.

About halfway through Season 1 I thought "Well, the plot might be lacking but at least the relationships are interesting." But after a few episodes it became clear it is very predictable after all. I was interested in Mei and Ward's intrigue but in the end it ended up as just a fuel for their future fights. "You never topped" and all. May is the best. Possibly the coolest badass female character ever. As for Coulson, I liked him in earlier films, he seemed a bit of a simpleton and a Cap fanboy but in this series I had difficulty with how they developed his character, in Season 1 he seemed way too emotional and impulsive. Skye, on the contrary, developed well. At first I disliked her but by the end of Season 1 she won my sympathy. A little.


@темы: series, Marvel


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
The saddest thing with friends is that you may think it’s all good but you never know when you fall apart.

You may have a good friend who’s incredibly nice to you for years and is one of the nicest people you know but then at one point it happens that you disagree on something important and all hell breaks loose and suddenly they throw angry insults at you...

You may have a person whose life you have changed and who you see as an ally while one day they suddenly claim they hate you you refuse to even explain why...

You may have a person who is really fucked up but closer to you than anyone and who you’re willing to really sacrifice a lot for no matter how much they hurt you but in the end realizing they were dragging you down and destroying you from the inside...

You may have a person who you don’t like all that much but who keeps supporting you in the hard times and gives you new hope but they leave one day, moving on with their lives where there’s no space for you anymore...

I have no friends. Not anymore.

@темы: musings


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I know you hate me, Life, but thank you for this day.

@темы: snapshot


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Finally gathered the balls and called the internet guys to change our outdated modem and now.... WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Some tests give show as much as 40 mbps.

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At least something good happened today. :heart: Pinch me, I'm dreaming.

Upd: I should have known good things don't happen to me. Speed is back to normal. Fuck you too, Volia.

@темы: PC


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I have expanded my mind and now I no longer think the WHITE album is terrible. It's actually kinda fun. My consciousness has passed some great threshold, I can tell.

@темы: musings, NEWS.


Of Sprites and Polaroids: an inside view

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It is over now. It's been 15 month almost but I did it. However, I don't feel the slightest joy or even relief. I'd like to think the time is the only one to blame here. Maybe that's the downside of any long story - by the time you write and edit it and polish ever word you lost the last drop of excitement that fueled you to write it. It's a scary and familiar feeling - putting your heart into something and watch it lie there as people pass it by. Of course, I regret nothing and I am proud of my work. But I very much doubt I can ever do anything like this again, anything so big.

When I began to write my writing seemed like just a patchwork of someone else's ideas. Now I think that imitation is unavoidable but it doesn't mean that the creation does not mean anything or doesn't belong to you. Looking back though, I got inspiration from so many places... Bad Reputation and other college fics, Love Rain, Fujoshi Kanojo, Taiikukan Baby, a bit of Cather in the Rye, maybe even a glimpse of my favourite book and of course some very painful personal experiences. But I only used them as references and nobody would be able to trace them back even if they tried. This story is mine. Very much mine. It would not be an overstatement to say that it's one of my biggest achievements.

I did the masterpost complete with the trailer and all the artwork, all like I planned but I hesitated for awhile since there's still one picture that beckons me to write some more, an epilogue. Yet, now I feel so cold inside I can't even begin to write down even the little image that I have.

@темы: fanfix


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Update. Life is still shit. I live off of Marina & the Diamonds, Marvel Heroes, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and Tegoshige.

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@темы: snapshot


Private Kim

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Achieved the second highest total score among the whole camp, ranking the first in the shooting and the grenade sections, and the 15th in the running task (among 224 trainees), not to mention that he was the Soldier No.1 that led all the trainees during the training.

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Time flew fast but this warms my heart. He looks so different than 5 weeks ago, so much stronger. After all, you're amazing, Jae.

@музыка: Marina and the Diamonds - Weeds

@темы: Jaejoong


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Guess I gave out way too many fucks yesterday coz now I clearly ran out. Fuck the reports and everything else, gonna go to Marvel Heroes and try to unlock some more Achievements, those shall be the only ones in my life in the foreseeable future.

@темы: snapshot


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Damn, I spent a whole week praying for rain or at least clouds because I couldn’t revise and post the 4th chapter in the fucking perfect weather wit the birds singing. And every day they promised rain it never came. Today it’s only somewhat cloudy but I had to work with that. Watched a sad scene from a film, put some sad music on and made myself depressed. I did so well I cried on the last scene. Good fucking job. I’m crazy, I swear. At least it is done.

Ugh, gonna go and post some cute Koyama and get myself undepressed.

@темы: fanfix


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Ok, I just need to get this off my chest. I never really read the lyrics for all songs the sake of my own sanity. There are too many and I don’t really care or I don’t want to know. I mean I can tell some songs are dirty but I don’t want to examine them in depth. But like the other day I read lyrics to Bambina (someone to blame here) and I was like “No way. He did NOT.” And I’m still traumatized. And then there’s Chankapana which is a song I have a lot of issues with because I like to listen to it and it’s catchy in a good way but I can not for the life of me understand why the hell it’s dedicated to fans and some lyrics I only realized recently like “Wait. Did he just... OH.” The “he” being Tegoshi, of course.

What’s even more weird is how this is contrasting to them being embarrassed about the normalest things. Singing about fucking someone hard and then being all squirmish when your bandmate of 12 years holds your hand or even just from looking at him at close distance. Seriously? I will never ever get these guys, I swear.

@темы: NEWS.


22 Great Women

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Artemisia Gentileschi - Italian Baroque painter.
Ching Shih - pirate in middle Qing China.
Elsa Jane Guerin (Mountain Charley) - adventurer, gold miner, writer.
Mary Sherman Morgan - U.S. rocket fuel scientist.
Lou Xiaoying - Chinese rubbish collector who saved and raised 30 abandoned babies.
Fumiko Hayashi - mayor of Yokohama.
Hazel McCallion - Canadian politician and businesswoman who served as the mayor of Mississauga.
Beate Sirota Gordon - performing arts presenter and women's rights advocate. Contributed to rewriting the Japanese 1946 constitution.
Nadezhda Durova - disguised as a man, became was the first known female officer in the Russian military.
Margaret Keane - American artist.
Empress Jing - empress of the China.
Chien-Shiung Wu - Chinese American experimental physicist who made significant contributions in the field of nuclear physics.
Hedy Lamarr - Actress & Scientist
Theodora - queen of Byzantine
Steve Shirley - British information technology pioneer, businesswoman and philanthropist.
Clara Belle Williams - the first African-American graduate of New Mexico State University.
Irena Sendler - a Polish nurse and a member of Polish Underground helping to save approximately 2,500 Jewish children out of the Warsaw Ghetto.
Caroline Norton - English woman's rights activist.
Christine de Pizan - Medieval poet, writer.
Hildegard of Bingen - religious leader.
Laura Bassi - scientist, physicist, professor.
Roxolana- a slave who became a queen

Started a list last year.

Here's a good place for some biographies:

@темы: issues, i'm a geek


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
 photo funny-chapter-book-wrong-life-1.jpg


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Bit of a tough day. Waking up from a particularly cruel dream. Going downstairs. Finally it arrived. Calling internet people, browsing job site, trying to deal with DASH, not enough time, going to pay the bills, getting my parcel, going to that other store...

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Open the parcel. Feel like crying. Charlotte is an angel. She has to be.

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@темы: little treasures, snapshot



I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...

Ok, it is done. No going back now.

@темы: fanfix


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I kept going in and out of sleep the whole morning so there were many dreams of all kinds. But the vilest and sweetest one happened a few hours ago. I'm really such a loser to dream about chatting with people and watching vids and worrying my sister might see and just being a fan. But hell, that kiss was worth it. I'd pay a lot to see it again.

@темы: Dreams, TegoShige


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I got Marina's early stuff, covers, b-sides and unreleased and got a whole new specter of feels. The early stuff made me feel disappointment. I mean I was like "Oh. I see. There was a reason this stuff was unreleased." It's trashy and rough and not all that surprising. It's only natural that when artist is self-taught she has a way to go. The thing that bothered me though is that I honestly think it would be better to just drop those songs, they are all just premature.

The other stuff is good though. I can see why it didn't make it onto the albums but some of that stuff is brilliant. I'm absolutely in love with Just Desserts (feat. Charli XCX). It's like "Woah, this is unlike anything I've heard. It's odd and awesome."


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It was a really long dream but there was this part where I was in this corridor with Alice Nine and they just sort of hung out there, going in and out and at one point I remember just randomly bear hugging Shou from behind just because he was being so cute and then being sorry because I felt I must have creeped him out. It was really good.

@темы: Dreams

The Diary of a Graphomaniac