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Might As Well

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I like the NEWS fandom. It's nice and sweet and supportive and very naive. I don't know, sometimes it makes me uncomfortable how excited and dedicated everyone is. And it's not even just the younger kids, but even those who are in their 20's. I almost start to wonder if it's just me that's so broken. I guess TVXQ was the biggest change for me. I gave too much of myself, invested too much and my heart was broken. Even though I love Alice Nine and I love NEWS, in the end I have a much practical approach.

Sure you can talk lave and trust and dedication but in the end if you look at in in a more pragmatic way it's just trade. They are artists who sell their image and they live from that, from their fans. And we buy it trying to fill in some emptiness inside. I used to be so emotionally involved before but now when shit goes down often my immediate reaction is to emotionally distance myself from it to avoid pain. That's how it was with Yoochunnie too. It doesn't always work and in the end I often deal with it later but I do not feel bad for not empathizing with every drama. They sure as hell don't share mine, so why should I? And I used to disapprove of fans leaving TVXQ, fleeting like rats from a sinking ship to pursue other, younger bands but now I understand.

@темы: fandom, musings


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
My Christmas present finally came. I wasn't even as excited as I should have been because ma girl had to pay a double fee and resend it and fuck my mail service and I felt my soul seeping out of me for 20 minutes I spent at the post office but... It's here. And it's perfect. Better that I could ever imagine. Probably best thing that happened this year so far.

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@темы: little treasures


I hate them Love Songs - a giveaway

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
NEWS and Tegomasu have given us many love songs that have touched our hearts ^^ or excited our senses XD. Which is your favourite love song of NEWS or Tegomasu or the solo members, and why?

Finally, leave a Valentine's Day message for NEWS!

It's been a while since I took part in any giveaways but I decided to try this time. To be honest, I was never good with love songs. Mostly because I could not relate to them. So even though NEWS have so many, it's not easy for me to pick even one. There are songs about first love which I can't relate to since I have never even seen this kind of pure sweet love in my life, let alone experience it. Then, there are songs like Chankapana and Bambina or EMMA but... I don't even think they are about love, that's just passion and lust. There are also songs about dramatic love like Anata or Ai Nante which are beautiful songs but they're about some larger-than life love that's completely alien to me and, to be honest, probably most people including Tegoshi.

However, when I began to think of what song I would pick, one title came up within seconds. And that is "Dreamcatcher". First of all, it is a self-composed song and to me that is important, it makes the song that much more personal. Shige's songs always feel very unique and genuine and "Dreamcatcher" most of all. Even the title is alluring, it's an image that just sticks in your mind vividly. It might not be the most powerful love song but it has its own distinct flavor. It has a mature feeling but no vulgarity as sadly is common for many Japanese songs. Instead, it's soft and sensual. The lyrics, while at times rather bizarre, paint a vivid intricate scenery.

And then there's the performance. I guess it has to be my favourite solo performance of all. It's very classy and yet casual and I feel it's something only Shige could do. It really feels like he knows exactly what he's doing. He may not be the best singer or dancer, but he knows how to play his cards well and this song reflects his talent and his personality perfectly.

 photo NEWS 10th Anniversary in Tokyo Dome Part 1.mkv_snapshot_01.14.46_2014.04.10_15.27.50.jpg

As for the message... It's a little late for Valentine's wishes but I just wish all the boys find their love, no matter what it is. I hope they get to find someone who cares for them deeply and who they're be comfortable with and be happy.


Just a few impratant debunk articles

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I bitched about a writer's block and my friend goes "Do you have a first draft ready?" Ha. Hahah. She said"first draft". Like how do people write the whole text down, start to end and then just edit?? This is a mystery to me. How?? Do you have a voice in your head that just dictates the words? I write all over the place - bits of dialogue, ideas, phrases. Start, end, middle, bits in between. Rewriting, shifting parts back and forth... My last fic was a big fucking puzzle, I legit highlighted different themes in different colours to make sure they all connect in a right way.

@темы: fanfix


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It's been a weird day.

For one, I had a very peculiar dream. And I have a lot of interesting dreams but somehow this was different from them all. It was sort of a lucid dream but not exactly. I was very self-conscious from the start as I woke up under the stairway of some school. I immediately began to wonder if I'm dreaming but everything felt so real that I could not be sure. Actually, the only thing that made me think that I was dreaming was the fact that I couldn't remember anything until the moment I woke up. Of course, a lot of things happened after that, I got out of that building, I met some old acquaintances (it seemed to be a sort of college class reunion), I went into the city and walked for quite a while. But all of those things were fairly normal things, nothing out of line. I even remember thinking about playing that RPG game once I get home.

When I did wake up I was in for another surprise. The system wouldn't boot on my PC. Which was not so surprising as the night before I had to manually shut down the power. Anyway, I freaked out. Just a notion that I may have to install the system somewhere where it's not meant to be, recover the ton of files I have, then install a new system and delete the temporary one. But of course, Windows itself was not the main concern. This was obviously a symptom of some hardware problem. I was so stressed out over this and nothing seemed to help. I was this close to putting a Win XP on my old drive (I had half-hoping for a sweet date with it), it suddenly dawned on me that this whole time the system was booting from the wrong drive. So relieved but also pissed it took me 3 hours to figure out. I have been having problems with time lag and once the time reset not long ago but this time apparently the whole BIOS setting reset, hence the boot problem. From what I gathered the problems might all come from the CMOS battery. Honestly, that's the least possible hardware problem you might encounter so hopefully that's all there is to it.

@темы: Dreams, PC


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
“Emma” has been exhausting and stressful. Honestly, it's the first time in over 3 years that I'm not saving new performances. But in trying to cope in my own way I turned back to Sims and it's been pretty rewarding.

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@темы: Sims 3


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I sent two Christmas letters to friends. One came after 5 weeks. The one I sent to Japan came in 2 months. I can't believe this bullshit. How fucked is this country? In 2 months a letter could fucking swim to Japan on its own. I am so done with this shit.

@темы: snapshot, bitching


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
While taking a short break from the fandom and the hell that is “Emma” I just watched the movie “Suffragette”. It ended with me listening to the song “Emily” by the Manic Street Preachers, dedicated to Emily Pankhurst, and thinking how low I sank in these 12 years. Such similar titles, such different songs.

@темы: snapshot, movies, Nostalgic Pushead


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
My phone's stopped showing the year correctly, it won't go past 2016. I guess nobody could imagine you can use the same phone for 8-9 years. Seriously, how hard it was to add more years? I had to set it to 2006 for the weekday to match the date. That's no big problem but the 'pink schedule' feature just refuses to work, that was handy.

@темы: snapshot


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I registered at Upwork a few days ago. I took it slow, completing my profile and taking tests. They even gave me Rising Talent badge, that should give me some chance. I try not to get my hopes up and it won't be easy but I have to try, this could be the change I need.

@темы: snapshot


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Yoochun's accuser has been sent to jail together with 2 of her accomplices. Yes, I don't feel the slightest hint of relief. Though it's over there's a heavy weight in my heart when I think about it. Yoochun's career is as good as over. I really doubt he'll return to public eye any time soon. But one more thing that really bothers me, been bothering me all this time, is that since the whole thing broke out last year neither Jae not Junsu has said a word about it. Why? Weren't they supposed to defend him? Stand up for him? My only guess is that he asked them not to interfere not wanting to drag them into this but still... Looking at the JYJ feed full of Jae all shiny and fresh from the army and Junsu with his blooming career and Yoochun only appeared in news articles about the case, looking grim and depressed. It makes me sad that Yoochun is going to be just wiped off the picture, as if he doesn't exist. I honestly don't care about JYJ, they got lazy and boring as a band but I care about the three of them, their bond, their brotherhood. And now I'm not sure any of that is left.

Junsu gave up his soccer team and parted with his gf. Of course, none of that matters now, in a few weeks he'll be enlisting into his stupid elite police force. Today I've unfollowed the 'JYJ' tag because it was pretty much just a J tag and while I have an enormous respect for both 'J's, without the 'Y' the puzzle just fell into pieces.

@темы: Yoochunnie


Light and Dark

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Watched BBC's Light and Dark (2013). I have been disappointed in a number of recent BBC films but this was certainly not one of them. Been keeping it for about a month now and I'm glad I did. Not easy-watching exactly. I expected the Light part to be about the history of the science of light and its properties and I was party right but my mind was still blown. However, that was nothing compared to the Dark part. Black Holes and Dark Matter... just fuck. My mum gets freaked out but I am fascinated by such things. I also now have a new space screensaver.

Jim Al-Khalili is an amazing story-teller and I'm planning to see more of his films. Once I gather enough of my mind back together again.

@темы: documentaries


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Today's dream was fairly nice. It was school stuff first and then some pretty ecchi things later on but the odd thing about it was... the school stuff wasn't unpleasant because I was sort of trying to see where I go with this cute boy and they boy wasn't anyone from my past, I think he had the face of an actor I saw briefly last night. Also all the girls I got on with later on were perfectly unfamiliar. It was oddly refreshing.

@темы: Dreams


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Jan 1, 2017

1 AM: It's a brand new year, it's all going to be better. Maybe I won't even get dep-
3 AM: Ah, here it is.

@темы: snapshot, myself


The 2016 Totals

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Ok, let's do this.

Site of the Year: tumblr, weibo.
Obsession of the Year: NEWS
Movie of the Year: X-Men: Apocalypse
Series of the Year: Queer as Folk
Dorama of the Year: -
Anime of the Year: Udon no Kuni no Kiniro Kemari
Concert of the Year: White
Documentary of the Year: Where to Invade Next
TV Show of the Year: 24h TV, Shounen Club Premium
Game of the Year: Marvel Heroes, Skyrim
Book of the Year: -
Fuck Up of the Year: Ann
Quote of the Year:
Acquisition of the Year: fucking katana, Racquelle
Person of the Year: Me
Pairing of the Year: Tegoshige
Meeting of the Year: Ki
Artist of the Year: Sia
Album of the Year: "Boaz Mauda", all albums by Sia
Disappointment of the Year: That dream job offer
Achievement of the Year: First semi-official job
Other events: hitting 30, RIP Yoosu, X-Men: Apocalypse in 3D, Yoochun's case, AOO account, US Elections.

Soundtrack of the Year: Kim Jae Joong - Love You More, L’Arc~en~Ciel - Wings Flap, NEWS - Touch, New Order - True Faith, Sia - I'm Not Important To You, Sia - Chandelier, Sia - Dressed In Black, Sia - Alive, Sia - Cheap Thrills, Lana Del Rey - Summertime Sadness, Kato Shigeaki - Hoshi no Ouji-sama, Utada Hikaru feat. Shiina Ringo - Nijikan Dake no Vacance


Agent Carter S02
The Good Wife (Final)
Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Season 3
Queer as Folk
Necessary Roughness
The Real O'Neals
Fresh Off the Boat

Osozaki no Himawari

Best Movies:
The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2
X-Men: Apocalypse
The First Grader
Captain Fantastic
McFarland, USA 2015
Hail Caesar! 2016
The Social Network
Sucker Punch 2010
The Help

Sid Meier's Civilization - Beyond Earth: Rising Tide
Sims 3
Marvel Heroes

Fanvideos finished: 0 ;;

Fanfics finished:
The Odds

This year took slightly more than 4 pages pages.

@темы: Totals


Udon no Kuni no Kiniro Kemari

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I seldom watch anime but this year I came across a gem called “Udon no Kuni no Kiniro Kemari”. I originally discovered it thanks to NEWS fans and the main characters’ uncanny resemblance to certain members but it turned out to be so much more. It's really beautiful art work and is very deep and touching. The fact that Souta and other characters were around d 30 didn't help.

 photo HorribleSubs Udon no Kuni no Kiniro Kemari - 12 720p.mkv_snapshot_03.10_2016.12.26_15.26.07.jpg

Ep 12 broke my heart into tiny pieces. I knew this was the only reasonable way to finish it and it was good and just but... it was one of those times I wanted something completely unrealistic. It just wasn't good enough, they had to be together forever. Ok, I need to just finish this or I'll end up weeping again.

@темы: anime


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I finally went to the museum. And yet... it was so little joy. The poor lightning, the rude staff members, the tiny exhibit and the fact we couldn't even get into ancient history part of the museum really chipped off at the experience. Also me being quite sick most of the time. I get it, the museum is terribly underfunded and they have to cope but that just made it more depressing. But of course there was some great stuff in there and some original ukiyo-e.


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Citing a federal survey, HRW noted, “Data showed that an alarming 42.8 percent of lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth respondents had seriously considered suicide in the previous year, and 29.4 percent had attempted suicide, compared with 14.8 percent of heterosexual youth who had seriously considered suicide in the previous year and 6.4 percent of heterosexual youth who had attempted suicide.”


@темы: the eternal debate, issues

The Diary of a Graphomaniac