I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Welcome, la_la_lame! I have been found, eh. I've had this diary for nearly 10 years but lately I post very little here. Yet, hasn't abandoned it completely. Haven't done welcome posts forever.

@темы: welcome


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...



I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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First of all, I was very skeptical about the whole idea of mashing 3 different stories into one, I think that damages the individual ideas. I do think that it's possible to do well but this was certainly not the case here. Unfortunately, I have only read one of the 3 stories that went into the sсript of the drama but I read about the other two so I have some idea of how much they were fucked up.

The "Intercept" story was more or less intact since it was inserted into the main story. Sure, it lost some of its depth, but still it was good. I didn’t read it but I want to applaud Shige for his female narrative. I remember him saying that he read “dating” books but unlike Tegoshi it was for a very valid reason. I did, however, really hate the general mood of the first two episodes. They pretty much made it a comedy and needless to say that changes the mood of the stories within it as well. If I didn’t know better, I’d say it was really bad acting, this exaggerated speech and gestures look so primitive. This semi-comic style ended abruptly halfway through the drama which was good on one hand but ruined what little consistency there actually was.

If Episode 1 left me annoyed, Episode 2 left me pissed. I actually happened to read the story used for this one and though I knew they’d change it, I didn’t expect it to be this much. I mean there was hardly anything left of it. First of all, I was really angry about changing the plot in a way that the whole “affair” only happened with the virtual perfect girl. I then realized they replaced Yukie’s character so they could use Mai instead but this killed this separate story completely. As if this wasn’t bad enough, they changed even the remaining parts of the story making it dumb and vulgar. I’m not even talking about the awful acting.

Episode 3 made me hopeful. They kids' acting was pretty good and there was no dumb humour in it. The overall atmosphere seemed pretty good too. I wasn't too hopeful though because the "Nibemonaku" story continued in Ep 4 and thus could be ruined easily. Basically, the story wasn't distorted much, the events in it were preserved. However, it lost all point because of basically the rest of the drama and its shitty plot. When it was revealed that Keisuke was a ghost the whole time (pretty touchy ghost though) I scowled. Not only was it lame, it was pretty dumb. I was imagining several ways for it to end - Jun reconnecting with Mai, or even Jun realizing he were gay for Keisuke all along. Anything would have made more sense that this. They took away the ideas of 2 of the stories and tried to fashion a new, much lamer one. What a failure. Even with this length and with these characters one could do a much better job, seriously. I kind of feel sorry for Shige, I'm sure he had a lot of internal struggle to see his precious stories butchered like that. I have to say though I enjoyed Shige’s concerned looks. However, instead of Keisuke being concerned for his friend I just saw Shige thinking “Damn, did I really create this fucking moron?” But of course, in the end I'm sure Shige knew that drama adaptation will give him a wider audience and help him reach out to more people and hopefully those who felt something from this pitiful mess of a drama will go and buy the book.

One more thing I want to say about this drama, or more like one more way they fucked it up. When I realized Shige's character were gay, I thought it was really cool. Gay characters and particularly gay characters in Japanese media, are very underrepresented and misrepresented. It's mostly 1 of 2: either's they're flashing gay, flirty and amusing or they suffer and die. I haven't seen an awful lot of Asian dramas but I can't remember any that had a gay character outside of these two roles (I'm thinking Shitsuren Chocolatier and Sunao ni Narenakute). That is why I was excited about Keisuke, even though it was a minor role. I mean I think it's really a great thing what Shige did with this story. He made it about the straight guy, showed that it was a straight boy who had issues, who was unhappy while the gay boy just continued with his life normally. "This is good, this is important" is how I felt. When I realized what they did I was like "Okay, so you kept the girl and killed off the gay guy. Good job". I wonder what actual gay people thought about this though. I'm secretly hoping Shige is on his way to becoming an icon for LGBT community.

@темы: dorama


I know I am extremely slow but...

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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I don't even know what I feel. Not much. She's seems like a nice girl so I'm kind of glad for him. No wonder he didn't want to go to the army. I wasn't even surprised, really. Just like "Oh. Ok." Looks like now it's up to Chunjae, huh.

The pocky tasted bitter...

@темы: Yoosu


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
The year is young but I feel so tired. There are days of restlessness morphing into days of stupor. A half of me is terrified I will never move on and the other half is terrified I will. I keep myself busy with the blog but it's all just routine to keep me sane. I'm so tired of this life. Tired of being poor and counting every cent, tired of being sick and lying awake in one of those nights, tired of everyone being too busy to talk to me, tired of looking at job ads hoping I won't find anything remotely suitable, tired of trying to use what little faith I have left to invest into something only to get another disappointment, tired of putting my emotions in a tight box afraid to lose the last of my dignity. Every year I hope things will change, really change but in the end I don't really have much hope. I know there are ways out, feeble but there are but I don't even know what I want to achieve anymore. Everything just seems so pointless.

@музыка: Manic Street Preachers - The Everlasting

@темы: myself, angst


The 2015 Totals

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I'm just honestly so fuckless today so this one is really half-assed.

Site of the Year: tumblr, weibo.
Obsession of the Year: NEWS
Movie of the Year: The Hunger Games series
Series of the Year:
Dorama of the Year: Home Drama
Anime of the Year: ??
Concert of the Year:
Documentary of the Year:
Variety of the Year: Bibitto
Game of the Year: Marvel Heroes, Skyrim
Book of the Year: TS
Fuck Up of the Year: Tutoring
Quote of the Year: --
Acquisition of the Year: Kaguya Collection
Discovery of the Year:
Person of the Year:
Meeting of the Year: Lotti, Ann
Artist of the Year: Marina & the Diamonds, Melanie Martinez, Lorde
Album of the Year: Electra Heart, Cry Baby
Disappointment of the Year: people
Music Disappointment of the Year: DIAWOLF
Other events: Jean Grey was Right, JYJ in the army, USA SC rulers in support of sex-sex marriage, new internetz,

Soundtrack of the Year: NEWS - Kaguya, NEWS - 勿忘草, Christophe Willem - Le chagrin, Marina & the Diamonds - Immortal, Marina & the Diamonds - Sex Yeah, Marina & the Diamonds - Blue, Marina & the Diamonds - Just Desserts (feat. Charli XCX), Melanie Martinez - Pity Party, Lorde - Yellow Flicker Beat

Achievement of the Year: Writing a novel I can be truly proud of
Pairing of the Year: Tegoshige


Marvel's Agent Carter
Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
The Good Wife
Orange is the New Black S3
Masters Of Sex
Queer as Folk S1 (I ran out of it at S2E6)

Deka Wanko
Home Drama

Some of the Best Movies:
Harry Potter
LOTR & The Hobbit
Ode To My Father
The Hunger Games

Marvel Heroes
King's Bounty: The Dark Side

Fanvideos finished:
Kiss Me
Naughty Girl

Fanfics finished:
Of Sprites and Polaroids
Wants and Needs

This year took slightly more than 6 pages pages. It's the decline.

@темы: Totals


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Tegoshige Christmas


Tegomass: a medicine for a sore heart

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Another giveaway...

The question this time is simple: what do you like about Tegomasu as a singing duo?

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I've skipped several giveaways this year because I didn't feel like I had much to say but this time I really want to write down my thoughts and feelings on the matter. Even though I am very active in the NEWS fandom, the truth is that musically they wouldn't be anywhere on the list of my favourite bands. But Tegomass is a different matter, they are a band that has a special place in my heart and I will explain why.

I love music. I listen to hundreds of artists of all sorts of music genres. I have many heavy bands, many that have complex lyrics dealing with social and political issues. For many years I tried to make myself only listen to 'serious' music, the kind of music I wouldn't be embarrassed to admit I'm listening to. Later I changed my perception and opened up to pop music but even though I liked many bands, in my eyes they always lacked some sort of integrity, I always had mixed feelings about them. When I finally encountered Tegomass, I realized they filled the void I never knew I had.

What is it that makes them so different? The simplest answer would be: purity. Their songs are filled with innocence, kindness and hope. There's no darkness or pain, only light and joy. Of course, it is important that the singers themselves have a very youthful, even child-like appearances and that allows them to sing the kinds of songs no other people could. When I look at them, Masuda and Tegoshi's styles on stage look like those of an 11-year old boy and girl respectively. Yet, they make it work.

While the boys look cute and playful on stage, they are very serious about their work. I also find it interesting that their personalities often clash but they never let it get in the way of their work. I remember reading Tegoshi say that though the two of them often disagree on things, in the end they understand that it happens because they both want to get the best possible result and that's what makes them a good unit.

I believe Tegomass is a one of a kind band. Even though they belong to Johnnies Entertainment, they aren't listed as a band on the official site and are considered to be a sub-unit of NEWS. However, I think it doesn't do them justice. I think Tegomass can hardly be called a sub-unit since, in fact, the two boys began to sing together even before NEWS was formed. It was Johnny Kitagawa himself who decided they should try singing together and that decision led to wonderful things. They're a completely different band with their own colours. It's a pity they get so little promotion so I'm glad I got to know about them. I think Tegomass is JE's hidden treasure.

In a way, Tegomass are very different to other JE bands. There is nothing in their concerts that would suggest they're JE. No trademark sparkly costumes, no choreography and a complete lack of juniors who often look out of place to me. But perhaps the best part is the live band that has been accompanying them for many years. Tegomass songs are good to begin with but during the concerts they shine with all their colours. The amazing jazzy Wasuremono at the Tegomass no Mahou simply captured my heart.

Over the years, there have been many bands I stopped listening to because while their music was good, it didn't make me feel good. However, Tegomass is a band that does and that is why I treasure it. They created their own world, a window for people to peek into their childhood dreams. Their PVs are always sweet and healing and their concerts are pure magic that transport you to a fairy-tale land. Tegomass is like a soft warm blanket, a medicine for a sore heart.

@темы: Artist


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I keep translating things but I mostly stick to short snippets. Of course, those short snippets aren't all just funny or questionable, some really make me think.

Tegoshi pisses me off a lot but also he's a great hypocrisy meter. When I weight his words I try to understand why they anger me, how I feel on the matter and what the difference is. A lot of the time it's not about the meaning but rather the wording. Say, preferences is one thing but forcing your preferences on people is another. Disliking something is one thing but acting superior towards people who like that thing is another. Tegoshi often talks about admiring people with a "high sense of aesthetics". And of course, I value that too. Though in most of the Western world, a man looks passable if at least wears fairly clean clothes and doesn't smell too bad, my standard is very high. I like men who make the effort to look good. But that only applies to potential partners and very few would pass the basic face control. That sounds harsh but I don't force it upon anyone. It's either there or not. It's very different from making your personal standards known to all the fans who in reality would never have to meet them.

I think what makes me a good person is that constant reality check, seeking to find the balance and be true to myself.

Also this quote I translated:

Kato: I want to be praised but when I’m actually praised, I feel troubled. Especially when I get compliments regarding my looks, I feel uncomfortable. I mean of course I’m glad and it’s better than people speaking ill of me but I hate it when people disregard my feelings on the matter. (laugh) It really happened a lot during middle school. There would be things in magazines like “special feature on the fresh crop of future ikemen” and I’d get 5 stars. I’d think “I see, I see, so I’ll become an ikemen?” (laugh) This isn’t about looks… For example, when I’m told “In that recent show you were really interesting” such a praise makes me very very happy.

Wink Up, 2015.12

A half of me is like “Aaaw, bb doesn’t want to be objectified!” and the other half is like “Shut up and just admit you’re hot”. But later I realized I understand what he really means. I never really knew how to react to compliments regarding my looks. I never really wanted to be told I'm pretty or cute, I suppose I even dreaded it. Not like I've been told that often but I never longed for that.

It wasn't about just looks either. I never particularly felt the need to be liked. Rather than being liked, I wanted to be respected. I guess I was very luck to have a high level of self-esteem very early on, maybe even too high, but at least I never felt the need to have other people's approval. Say, being told I'm smart doesn't really make me happy. I know I'm smart, so what? The real satisfaction comes from appreciation of the things that I did, especially the things I worked hard on. I suppose my personality is also one of them though because forging my personality is the biggest hardest work in my life.

@темы: musings, myself


Family tweets...

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I hate birthdays. It's enough that I have to suffer through my own, I have to tolerate someone else's now too.
All the preparations and people are making me dizzy. I just wanna play Skyrim and translate questionable articles.
Family gatherings are the worst. The only way I can survive them is by turning on my top sarcastic humour. Not everyone appreciates it.
I was landing critical hits in dark humour when my sister said "You are mean" and it she was dead serious so I just stopped talking.
The only good part was switching my attention to father's 12 y.o.son. We had a nice chat, talked about gaming and played Pocket Tanks.

@темы: family



I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
One of the good things that happened this week is this. My sister's been using Duolingo lately and I thought it was a good idea but they didn't have a Japanese course. I was so desperate I contributed to Google Translator but the solution came - I came across memrise. This site doesn’t have one full course, it has many small ones and most of them are for beginners but I can use some revising kanji and extra vocabulary. I tried many courses and they aren't perfect but I have selected 3: JLPT 4 vocab, JLPT kanji and one for adjectives. At first I honestly tried a JLPT 2 course but if there's one thing I learned about learning is that it's better to revise the simple things and make sure you filled all the blanks before moving on to harder levels. It's not like I'm in a hurry anyway. Of course, this practice can't make you talk but it really helps to strengthen the vocabulary and learn kanji and that's something you can't learn passively.

Moreover, the site isn't just for learning languages, there are courses in history, art and science. I shall indulge myself, but not too much.

@темы: 勉強


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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@темы: Birthday


List of Faves

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Simple as it is, I've never done such a list and I think I should make one. It wasn't easy. Nothing with me ever is. I had to decided on which media I enjoy and which I truly love. It was the hardest with the movies. They are all so different and made it to the list for very different reasons: some really impressed me, some were healing and some simply very enjoyable. I initially made 3 different categories for movies but in the end I removed them because it's just dumb. It's gonna be what it's gonna be. I didn't put music yet either. I'm afraid to even go there.


This category includes very different films from the heavy serious films that really left a strong impression to light-hearted ones I can re-watch forever. I'll just list them from hard to soft.

Fight Club
The Legend Of 1900
Castaway on the Moon
The Hunger Games
Kagen no Tsuki
Ashita no Watashi no Tsukurikata
Were The World Mine
Easy A


TV SERIES (Western)

Very like
Dark Angel
Queer as Folk
Halt and Catch Fire

Quite like
Peter Benchley's Amazon
Agent Carter
Masters of Sex
The Big Bang Theory
The Good Wife
Orange is the New Black
The Real O'Neils


IS: Otoko Demo Onna Demo Nai Sei
Kimi Wa Petto
Home Drama
3 nen B gumi Kinpachi Sensei
Ie Ga Tooi


Sims 3
Marvel Heroes
Planescape - Torment
Drakensang (both)
Alpha Centauri
Heroes of Might & Magic
Fallout 2


Weiss Kreuz

I would also like to note interest in huge franchises such as LOTR, Harry Potter and The Hunger Games but my interest in them never went further than the movies. There's also the Marvel fandom that I'm quite into but I can't really consider myself a fan since my knowledge is pretty much limited to Marvel Cinematic and Marvel Heroes.

@темы: list



I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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I pretty much proposed this drama for my mum to have something to watch. She already watched the Sensitive Coupe or whatever the heck it's called but I ignored it. Well, I didn't even try because of the grim start but I'm pretty sure I'd drop it anyway. This time, however, I got genuinely engaged and watched it from start to end. I'm now going to talk about why.

I almost gave up on Korean dramas for a few reasons. Usually, 16 full episodes is way too much to carry out a solid plot and even some decent plots often start to fail miserably about halfway through but here it didn't happen. Of course, some plot lines and twists were somewhat strained but there weren't any that made my want to hit my head against the wall. Though this is not a genre I'm interested in, I quite enjoyed it and hats off to the writer for being able to hold such a long and complex scenario for so long.

The actors and the characters were also pretty good. You could never be sure who's gonna turn out to be a traitor and things were never black and white which meant a certain level of character complexity. The drama even passes a Bechdel test despite only having 2 major female characters. Speaking of which, it's a rare one for me to actually like both of them. Park Ha Sun especially might even be my favourite female character in a Korean drama so far. She's very attractive and charismatic, capable without being clumsy and just really likeable. To be honest, it's the first time I'm disappointed the romantic plot line was never developed. And, of course, there's Yoochunnie. I've seen him in quite a few roles but so far I think this was one of the most complex ones. He really was brilliant in a way that you wouldn't praise him precisely because his acting is so natural.

It also helped that it was voiced over by Alliance and not GreenTea and they got a semi-professional team and do a really good job.

Of course, the drama has its flaws and they totally ruined the last episode but still I think it's a very solid one.

@темы: dorama


Masters of Sex S03

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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Season 3 has been considerably weaker than the first two. Of course, it had its moments but overall it was a mess. The storylines multiplied and tangled and tore. By the time of last episode I was worried because it was clear there's no way to tie up all the loose ends but it was even a bigger mess that expected.

Betty is still my favourite character, she made this whole season much more bearable. Bill is still the hypocritical pathetic piece of shit. I don't care for his pathetic attempts to fix things, his every move was still dictated by selfishness and fear. I have a great admiration for Libby but Virginia... I want to love her but can't because of her ultimate commitment to Bill. This isn't love, this is some kind of Stockholm syndrome. So maybe Ethan wasn't quite the right fit (though I still think he was worth a shot) but Dan is basically a perfect man, what the actual fuck?

Speaking of Dan, it felt like the writers received a lot of criticism for the lack of positive white male characters so they made two that were almost to perfect. Dan Logan isn't really a character, he's a picture perfect. Nora is also not a convincing character, you can tell something is off with her from the moment she appears but I'd never imagine it's be so bland.

I was hoping to feel some sort of relief from finishing the season but I got none. I was expecting them to get married by now but it's still nowhere near that. To be honest, I'm not sure if I can take another season of watching this pathetic fuck of a doctor and this amazing woman stupidly whipped by him.

@темы: series


2015.10.29 JYJ at 2015 Korean Popular Culture and Arts Awards

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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I was looking forward to seeing them together but this was not what I expected. They look fine, that is good, but they don’t seem to be even the slightest bit excited. I don’t even care about the performance, I just want to see them smile. Jae looked so sad in all the pictures and it bothers me. I might be dramatizing but watching them for so many years I really feel like the shit they’ve been through has taken a part of their souls, they’ve come such a long way from the naive pure kids I fell in love with.

@темы: JYJ



I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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I've been contemplating whether I should watch it for awhile now but then since there will hardly be another one in the next 2-3 years I thought I might as well. It's not like I can get any more disappointed than I already am. Or can I?

Unsurprisingly, I have very very mixed feelings about it. The first hour was overall fairly good. A couple of new songs which I never heard before since I ignored their last album, actually turned out to be good, Yoochun surprisingly hasn't lost all of his voice and the whole production was fairly well. Of course, it was half-solos but that was expected by now. Junsu was fucking amazing as usual and I was just enjoying Yoochun's old sleaze look when "I love you" happened and killed by mood flat. Seriously, I will never get over it, it's the most disappointing live performance I've ever seen. Yoochun though looked so uninterested in the whole thing like he couldn't care less if the dancers were naked. I don't know, maybe it's just me but he just really doesn't look like he's enjoying it anymore. He used to be so passionate about music, so pure and emotional. If just feels like a part of him died with TVXQ.

Other points:

- Jaejoong's still trying to pull his skinny 70's rocker look. Those stupid leather pants, that golden microphone. Baby, you're not supposed to do it after 27, it's faux pas. On the good side, yay for sparkly armpits!

- Junus's stylist is doing a God's work, honestly. His outfits are so good.

- Yoochun during the jumping part looked like Dad trying to do aerobics.

- I still think k-pop is basically superior to j-pop in most ways including choreography, outfits and overall style but there's one thing that totally ruins it for me - vulgarity.

Overall, they sounded a lot better than I expected and the setlist was pretty good but still, it feels like this band is as good as over. Even though they're all very close and that's hardly going to change, on stage there's no harmony between them. If I were to say it now: I love Junsu, Jae and Yoochun but I don't love JYJ.

@темы: JYJ, Concerts


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I had this dream today where it was sort of like an A9 fanmeeting but a very small one - there were just 4 of us girls and we were on my living room sofa. Anyway, I just remember Shou was right there and for some reason he wanted he give us a hug in a completely innocent way and he hugged this girl next to me first, then all 4 of us at once. He felt just as soft and comforting as I imagined.

@темы: Dreams


Harry Potter

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Finally watched the last two films and now it's all done.

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The last film was different from how I imagined it somehow. I can't even tell why exactly. Partly because I knew some major spoilers and had some vague idea based on them but the whole picture turned out to be very different. Like, some of the deaths were only mentioned briefly and some happened differently to how I expected so my emotional response was off. Oddly enough, I didn't cry once. Instead, my body got rigid and shook uncontrollably so I had to stop it to get a grip on myself. However, it still wasn't as epic as I expected to.

Overall, I think HP is a really good series with not just solid plot and but also varied interesting characters and complex relationships (I love Harry and Hermione's friendship). I did like Snape as a character and I understand why he is popular but the extent to which he is obsessed over is just plain creepy. Anyway, I have a ton of respect for Ms. Rowling for creating this big complex world and guiding her audience through it. Starting with a rather simple story for kids, the narrative got increasingly deeper and darker, touching upon social issues and moral dilemmas and using grotesque examples to deliver strong messages and pose important questions.

The thing I love the most about the whole thing is the way nothing is quite black and white here, even though it may seem that way. The Snape narrative really turned the whole story on its head. I felt like the film didn't relay that too well, it all went on too fast. But it was really a power move. I also understand the appeal of Drako (but shipping? nope). I didn't really like the little epilogue at the end though. It looked way too sentimental.

Apart from the HP itself, I have also unintentionally watched the main cast kids grow into wonderful young adults and I'm glad the younger generation has such great role models.

All in all, it's been a good journey and I can understand why people would be into it but for me it ends here. I therefore proclaim myself a HP initiate and hereafter take the right to use HP jokes.

@темы: movies

The Diary of a Graphomaniac