I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Work, fandom, Skyrim, Sia, Queer as Folk, Marvel Heroes... my daily menu.

@темы: snapshot



I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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@музыка: Sia - Burn The Pages


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Yesterday I got an unprecedented invitation to a corporate party, a welcoming party in fact. It really took me by surprise. However, I declined. For one, the weather was truly horrid. It was pouring rain and cold and wind. Then, I wasn't feeling very well. My stomach ache is back with a vengeance. I would likely go if it wasn't for that but still there was some relief that I had a solid excuse. It would probably be nerve-wrecking. A part of me was naggingly telling me I screwed up my only chance to meet people but another part was like "Yeah, right. As if I was gonna meet the love of my life there or even someone remotely interesting." But there is this anxiety in me, a fear of whether I am even able to relate to people. I mean I can do small talk but I just imagine someone casually asking what I am into and me going into a short awkward silence to try to come up with a presentable enough answer. Then again, the scariest thing would be - and it is most likely - nobody would give a fuck.

Oh, what the hell? Here I am pathetically discussing something that never happened. I guess this won't be the last time so I might still find out which it will be.

@темы: work


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Went to the office today to fill some papers since it's been over a month. I am now officially semi-employed. Also legally responsible for sensitive information. A secret agent almost, ha. I walked the crowded Friday evening streets and all the small nuisances could not bring me down. I felt like a semi-functional adult. Almost normal.

@темы: milestone, myself


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
If I were an anthropologist as I wanted to be, my current thesis would be “The perceived heteronormativity in Japanese and Korean boy bands.” Or it that more gender studies stuff? Anyway, I am quite fascinated by it. I mean this isn't new to me but lately as I read MC accounts from tour reports and remember all the previous instances I am amazed by how far guys can go while still maintaining their perceived heterosexuality.

Tegoshi likes getting into showers with men and apparently enjoys some discreet touching of private parts and naked hugging. He also is used to kissing on the lips once drunk and probably clinging to supposedly familiar men. He clearly enjoys male attention rather than feeling awkward like many would. But I'm sure he would never admit to bisexuality, let alone consider a homosexual relationship.

Then there's Jaejoong who also clings to his friends while drunk, kisses them. And Junsu who likes groping other guys's butts. Of course, these are just the things that got public, I'm sure there's a lot more that we don't know about. At any rate, all of that behaviour is somehow categorized as male bonding and a part of normal heterosexuality.

@темы: musings, issues


The Hunger Games

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I was really looking forward to this. It's been awhile since I liked a high budget franchise this much. The third movie was good, I was very much touched by the character development and the depth of it. The fourth was supposed to be the grand finale, the epic conclusion. The poster was perfect, the trailer was promising but... nothing happens as you expect it to.

It wasn't bad, it was just... nothing. The whole story development was very different than what I'd imagined from the trialer and there were so many things that just didn't make sense. I don't even get why Kitniss had to go on her little mission in the first place if she'd make it anyway. All of the deaths seemed so pointless, even Prim. Especially Prim. The ending was just disappointing, I guess. I was half-expecting the old Animal Farm trope and it seemed like it was going that way but in the end it wasn't that, it was just like... wat? A part of me is glad about the ending. I was glad the characters I liked lived and found happiness. Except it didn't feel natural. I mean that domestic bliss... Rather getting a good end, I was expecting a powerful end, no matter how tragic.

 photo The Hunger Games Mockingjay - Part 2 2015.mkv_snapshot_02.04.06_2016.03.25_16.48.29.jpg

@темы: movies


I got it

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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I finally got my wage for the 1st part of the project. It's not really big money but for me it's a lot, more than I ever made. And then, of course it's nice knowing I am valued and my work has a good cause.

I brought myself flowers and candy. Made a little celebration. It's just one months but it means so much to me, I feel like a functional, even capable adult. It's not easy but I can clearly see how much progress I've made. Just this once, I can be proud of myself.

@темы: milestone


Wild Mood Swings

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It seems like lately I have a pattern of 3 recurring mood stages:

Stage 1: I am deeply annoyed and angry for no particular reason and everything just makes me bitter

Stage 2: I don't give a single shit about anything, good or bad

Stage 3: I am overly excited about something, usually fandom stuff

As a good tradition, after being excited for a few hours and not finding any outlet for it, I pass onto Stage 1.

@темы: myself



I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
When I started playing Marvel Heroes I didn't really get what having a "main" meant. Hell, I didn't get it even after a year. But somehow, unbeknownst to me, Laura became my main. I guess it's a melee thing. Rather than mages who are cool or complex universal heroes like Rogue I always end up with those who are simple to play and have good survivability. At any rate, X-23 is now my girl. The only one who made it past the trial and the only one I took to raids.

So I decided I might as well do my research and read the actual comic books. After all, I even translated 2 of them. The series had 22 issues and looked weirdly contrasting with several artists working on different issues. However, my favourite was definitely Sana Takeda, a Japanese female. It looks very manga-like stylistically. I also found out that the it was written by Marjorie Liu, Marvel's only major female writer. Danni Shinya Luo who made the Issue#1 cover is also female. But anyway, I quite enjoyed them. Sure, the plots were quite lame and crazy, but the main ideas and the relationships, those were really good. I finished the main series and followed Laura to Avengers Academy which I also happened to translate although they were early issues. I guess I might as well finish it even though as many fans say, she's too good for it.

But that's all just details. The thing is, I like Laura. A lot. I identify with her. Which might be creepy since she's a clone designed to be an assasin. And yet... her struggle is not just that of confirming her humanity, it's a journey of self-discovery. Of finding her own path, no matter where it takes her. I like her personality. She's quiet and very rational but she's not exactly withdrawn. She doesn't shy out of human interaction, she just doesn't need much of it. And, most importantly, she is very strong and mature. She has many issues obviously but she's working on them. She makes decisions and takes full responsibility for them. I also like her relationships, especially with Gambit and Wolverine. And the way she shut this brat Helion was epic.

Also I've been rewatching Dark Angel. I wasn't planning to but all the ones I'm watching now are lagging and I don't want to pick Agents of Shield yet since it's just mid-season. Not again. Anyway, once again I feel a little smug about my good taste. The main plot is good, the mini-plots are good, the characters are good and the dialogues are good. The only thing that bugs me a little is Max. (Well, also Logan but he's perfectly realistic as the rich whiny self-indulgent white dude ) Jessica is charming as fuck but that is exactly the problem. Her personality is that of a normal girl who grew up in the suburbs, not someone who spent all of their childhood trained to be a professional assassin. Her super-intellect also looks very off. She looks more like a well-trained spy, like Black Widow, not a soldier. I mean sure, X-23 spent longer in the facility, but still 9 years is very long.

The reason I'm linking these two characters is as follows. X-23 was created in 2003, a year after Dark Angel was closed. I can't help thinking this is not a coincidence. The character origin is strikingly similar though X-23's is much grimer, and their struggle to find their humanity is similar too. But Laura's personality is much more consistent. She's very rational and very interdependent. She doesn't hesitate to kill when needed, very unlike Max. Whether there is a link or not, in my eyes, she's almost like an improved version.

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@темы: series, Marvel


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Retook the Myers–Briggs test. This time I ended up with ISTJ-A. Which frankly makes a lot more sense than ISFJ coz those are supposed to be caring as fuck. But this happened coz my NATURE is almost tied. I read both and both sound familiar. ISTJ creepily describes my work style of the past month but that’s just a small part of what I am.

But the thing is in Socionics I used to identify as INTj which correlates to INTP. I guess I’m fucked when it comes to typology...

@темы: myself


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Too much text and hard shit in here lately so here's a gross gif of my OTP.

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@темы: TegoShige


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Finally finished the last of 3 Memrise courses I took. It was mostly JLPT4. Only took 3,5 months and some words on it I only vaguely remember. Damn. That's really not motivating at all. I'll take a break and then try to move on to JLPT3. That one would probably take months.

@темы: 勉強


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
The best part of getting older is you stop giving a fuck about shit. The worst part of getting older is you stop giving a fuck about shit.

@темы: one-liner, musings


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I keep waiting for me to go back to the way I used to be but it's been a month and nothing's changed. Maybe I need to start thinking of reinventing myself completely. If things that used to work don't work anymore, I will have to move on and find those that do. I have no idea what to do yet but I'm not really worried. It's a creepy paradox. I'll figure it out somehow.

@музыка: Manic Street Preachers - From Despair To Where

@темы: myself


The new solos

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Overall, the solos were pretty good. Strictly in terms of NEWS solos tho. Very typical though. Like, guys, could you be any more predictable? But I liked them more than those from last tour so that's good enough.

Tegoshi's song sounded good from the first seconds. He was howling so arrogantly like "no matter how good your other solos are and how lame mine is, I'm gonna sound infinitely better". However, as the song unfurled and I heard the lyrics, it was just so fucking typical and incredible lame. How many heart-breaking love songs can one have? C'mon now. It reminds me of Ai Nante - I would like it if only I didn't know any Japanese. Sadly, I do.

Massu's was... "Oh, ok." That rapping was very unnecessary, in my opinion. Also much bad Engrish. As usual. It doesn't make much sense but then you don't expect it to because he's gonna show us some sexy moves and we won't give a fuck. It's very Massu and yet it sounds sufficiently different from the previous ones. Also so fucking catchy. Like wow how catchy. Also arrogant. “Shut up and watch me?” Rude. But amusing.

Shige’s solo is... nice. Overall, it sounds rather average, but the melody in the chorus is really pleasant. Also, as opposed to Tegoshi’s, the lyrics are beautiful. It’s hard to even compare Shige’s songs to others’ because even if they’re far from perfect, he fucking wrote them himself. He put a piece of his heart into them. Somewhat repititive compared to the last two, but still nice. Live performance highly anticipated.

Koyama’s... is bad. I’m sorry, but it’s just bad. To me all of his solos are bad to bearable. I love him but... yes.

@темы: NEWS., review


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Still mostly numb but somewhere beneath the surface I can feel some dull emotions bubbling. I guess the worst part is over. I somewhat calmed down about the job too. I can clearly see they need me more than I need them. I have also been in less pain though there are several very irritating trends as usual including the lingering gum nerve inflammation and chronic tonsillitis.

But anyway, at least I am considerably less annoyed. Also for several days I have been thinking about my writing. In that state it seemed impossible that I would ever write anything again. However, that changed soon enough. It happened so that I finished translating a Love Story (Tentative) last night. Then I had a dream about my first love. He ignored me as usual. How nostalgic.

But that's no the point. The point is, a week ago I felt dead inside but now there are ideas swirling in my head. Actually, I was indulging myself in bed today as it is Saturday and let my mind drift. It went so well that I actually sat down later today and wrote down a few scenes. Really good ones too. I'm not getting my hopes up but that's already really good. I am a fighter after all.

@темы: myself


Agent Carter S02

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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Fucking finally... Now this here is good pacing in relationship development. But anyway, Season 2 was brilliant. A few questionable details here and there but overall very entertaining and picturesque.

@темы: series


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I don't even know what to do with his diary. It's clearly obsolete and yet I can't let go of it. I don't write anything personal on tumblr and Twiter is a joke so I guess here is a place to say the things I feel like saying. Which is not much lately. I used to want to write about everything, every album and concert and every random idea but lately I can't be bothered. But since I'm writing this anyway, I might as well.

February sucked a lot and March started out terribly. I am sort of busy with job but the truth is this isn't why I haven't posted anything lately. In fact, when I got a job I thought it was a good timing since I didn't feel like doing anything either way. I have one of those terrible periods where I can't seem to care about anything, my only distinct emotion being dread. I've been generally unemotional for months now but these past few weeks it got much worse. I wasn't ready for it. I didn't know how to deal with it. I mean even at my worst, even when I was crushed I had my music and my fandoms to pick me up but now I can't even care about that. I've watched some things, of course, and I mildly enjoyed them but I couldn't be bothered to post anything and for me that is abnormal. Over the last several years I've realized the me I knew could change in many ways and still remain me. I've changed my habits, my tastes and my patters. But I am not really to lose my excitement. People say bands keep them going, bands save them and stuff. For me it was never the bands, or the series. Not really. It was my excitability. The way I could get happy about small things, the way I could get passionate about things. If I lose that, I don't know how I shall go on.

I truly hope it's just a phase, that it's a Spring depression. Today it was sunny for a while and I got a little bit of energy to do something. I felt strong. I seemed to feel some slight joy stirring somewhere deep beneath the surface. But now it's gone. It doesn't help that the job is stressful as hell. You'd think being indifferent would disable you to get stressed but somehow it doesn't. I mean some bad things pass me by but so do good things. I get annoyed a lot. At things, at people, at my body that refuses to cooperate. I just want to want things again. I just want to feel something other that pain and anger.

Before I always found refuge in the fandom. Images, videos, writing and discussing. Now I look at my stories and it seems surreal I wrote them. I really am unsure I can do that again. I took a step back from the fandom hoping it would pull me back in but so far its not really trying and the more time passes the harder it would be to come back.

@темы: musings, myself


PVs of the month

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
KIM JAE JOONG - Love You More

I was very sceptical when I heard a few people call Jae's new album a "masterpiece" but it's actually not half bad. I mean I only like a few songs but the riffs on are good, they don't sound cheap. I quite like this particular song and PV. I like the non-typical people in the video and there's a really nice feel to it. It would have been a great PV if it wasn't for the parts with Jaejoon himself. They just look so off. And way too much make-up.

L’Arc~en~Ciel - Wings Flap

On it's 25th year and still going strong. What I love about Laruku is that they always keep close to their original sound and yet every time add just enough of a new touch to keep it fresh. This time it's Hyde's accentuated vocals that hit home just right. The surrealistic PV is also classy as always. Well, it'd probably be classier if Hyde kept his flaily dancing down a notch but then that wouldn't be Hyde.

NEWS - Touch

JE makes it impossible to place PVs on YT so had to improvise. I love the video. It's finally NEWS not trying to be something they're not. Pure pop at its best. Botht the song and the video just make me smile and make me pointlessly unconditionally happy.

@темы: video, snapshot


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Sometimes I feel like a sad alien sent to Earth. I learned to act like humans but still so confused. I'm constantly like "Wait, this guy is supposed to be hot. Ok, noted" "So people think this song is great. Interesting."

@темы: myself, musings

The Diary of a Graphomaniac