I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
This period in my life I shall later refer to as 'Waiting for Raquelle'...

@темы: snapshot


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
The last few days have been full of shit, basically but still I saw the light when something drove me on another one of my media adventures and I found a diamond that is the album of Boaz Mauda. That boy sings like an angel. The whole album is true thing of beauty. It's te kind of music that even though you can't understand the lyrics, it feels like God speaks to you.

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@музыка: בועז מעודה - בועז מעודה

@темы: Artist



I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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Over the last year I discovered so many amazingly talented female artists. Starting with Marina, I met Lorde, rediscovered Melanie, got briefly acquainted with Ellie and Lana. As if that wasn't great already, there came Sia. I really loved Electric Heart which was an OST to Hunger Games but it was only a few months back that I downloaded her album. And then another one. And another. All 7 of them turned out to be amazing and very different. From the nostalgic acid jazz of 'Only See', to more dramatic and themed 'Healing Is Difficult', lyrical and soothing 'Colour The Small One' and 'Some People Have Real Problems' to funky 'We Are Born' and finally the catchy but very serious pop '1000 Forms Of Fear' and 'This Is Acting'. Her music is full of colours and has so much soul it instantly resonated with me.

I am so grateful I found her. Lately good music is just about the only thing I can rely on.

@музыка: Sia - Insidiously

@настроение: pretty decent for once

@темы: Artist


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I've always been alienated. In so many ways. In my childhood I was shy and was mostly keeping to myself though it's not like I felt lonely, I was fine and people got very disappointing very early. Then, as I got just a little older, I became a fan. First it was CN, then TV shows and music and since 16 bands. Since then I felt alienated from people who weren't fans. Later I found some like-minded people but it only lasted a couple of years. Since I lost everyone who I considered friends, it's been hard once again. People my age are living very different lives and my fandomness is a kind of a dirty secret. Then of course there's my mental issues so make that two secrets. Lately I feel even more alienated because now even fandom doesn't make me feel connected. I'm nothing like the normal fans: I don't like the band's music, I don't want to go to their concert and I always keep a certain emotional distance from it. I also try to keep my thoughts to myself to avoid hurting anyone. But at the end of the day, all that matters is keeping myself sane.

@темы: myself, musings


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Tonight I saw this beautiful loving QaF-themed dream. As always, good dream only happen when I'm fucked up.

@темы: Dreams


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
As if the last few days weren't hard enough, there's the Yoochun's case. I wasn't freaking out when I heard about it, I seemed to be mildly upset but the truth is it hit somewhere really deep. I learned it in tumblr which is a very bad place to learn about rape charges, things just get savage. Then I went to JYJ3 and there with so much contrast fans were all outraged and supportive, I felt even more alienated. I was hoping it was untrue, but I had no real reason to.

Now that the charges have been dropped, the fans are relieved but I'm not. If the case went to court, the details would be public and if he won I could be at least mostly assured he was innocent. Now there's even more confusion.

@темы: Yoochunnie


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Today the most successful Pride event in this country up to date took place. I was actually contemplating going but I'm not that brave yet. The organizers are happy that many people turned up and that it passed safe but in the end it's still sad that walking a mile for what you believe in is still dangerous and requires 6k police officers. But at least I'm glad nobody got hurt and that the police was actually doing their job.

But apart from the event, I finally took time to study the present situation with LGBT in this country as a whole and it left me very upset. Not only did I see scores of hateful comments, the actual violence rates went up frantically. This country has no place in Europe or civilized world, it's filled with hate and ignorance and that is yet another reason I don't want to be its citizen.


@темы: the eternal debate, issues


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It's been really a very fucking hard week, in many ways. The work has been stressful and yet I saw another chance and took it. While the new job still isn't decided on, I talked to my boss and told him I'm planning to leave. I was going to wait but Alisa was very serious about it so I though I owed them that much. It was pretty bold though and I don't regret it in the least. They asked me to work for another 4 weeks and that is not cool tbh, but somehow I'll make it. I'm feeling really badass right now, probably more so that I ever did before in my life. I am really not afraid of any outcome.

@темы: milestone, myself


Queer as Folk

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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And so, after what? 7? 8? 9? years I finished watching QaF. I watched S1 up to about ep 17 twice but at the time there was no more and the CD it was recorded on got damaged. Last year I started again and this time I got to S2E6 where I ran out of episodes, it took another few months to resume and another few till I watched it to the end.

Season 1 was engaging right from the pilot episode but now it feels like a prequel, it's only after it that things get real. Somehow slowly the story really gets to you and you find yourself drawn in. The whole series was very well-paced. I think S3 has to be my favourite, the finale really captured my heart but every season had its moments.

I'm not 100% happy with the ending. Not because of the failed wedding, no. In fact, the whole thing with the wedding was over the top in the first place. Also I really didn't get Justin at first being tired of Brian's whoring and then saying Brian isn't Brian when he's not whoring. Like, WTF was that? There were too many cheesy things in there, felt out of place. But overall, it was good, it felt right. I almost cried in the end, it hit me right in the feels and I wasn't expecting that.

Now let me talk about the characters.

Ted: You can't fool me. You gotta free yourself of this burden. Release it. Let it all hang out.
Brian: My mother was a frigid bitch. My father was an abusive drunk. They had a hateful marriage, which is probably why I am unwilling or unable to form a committed long-term relationship of my own. The fact that I drink like a fish, abuse drugs, and have more or less redefined promiscuity doesn't help, much. As a result, I've lost the two people in my life that mean most to me.

Brian Kinney. This man deserves his own paragraph. At first you'd think he'd be boring, one of those types that everyone falls for, who's too perfect and cliche but he's not, he's a great complex character with a through backstory and one of the very few I identify with. Which may seem odd because I'm so far from hedonism but it's what he believes, his honestly and cynicism that speak to me. He's strong, bold and unapologetic. He does what he believes in no matter how hard it is and whether people understand him or not. People get mad at him for saying cruel things but more often than not, he ends up being right. He clearly has his issues but he's dealing with them the best he can. I also love the fact that he's not some cliched dramatic fuck who has lost his faith in love after some bullshit incident that broke his heart and his promiscuity isn't a facade and a means to cover up vulnerability. He knows himself, his weaknesses and the reasons for them.

And then there's Justin. I didn't like him at first. He was just a brat. But he was a very strong one and I couldn't help but start respecting him. Then, somewhere around S3 I found myself liking him. He matured, he became more rational and his passion got focused. He went from fanboying over Brian to really loving him but he still held his values first and I think that's why Brian respected him. He actually understood Brian better than anyone did and way better than Michael.

Michael is adorable. Not very smart but adorable. You really want to protect him from the world and see him be happy more than anyone. And Hal Sparks actually seems a lot like him. Ted was just a lame character. He was adding something to the story at some points and presented a contrast as a counterpart of Brian but his storylines just kept getting more and more ridiculous with drugs and plastic surgery and whatever. Also Emmett's sugar daddies were a tad tiresome but Emmett was precious and essential in this show. I love Debbie and her overbearing relationship with Michael. It's hard to believe they're not related, they looked more than natural. I liked the Ethan storyline but it was killed off way too abruptly so it was too obvious he only served to move the Brian-Justin relationship to the next level.

I think character and character development is the show's strongest point. I am most fascinated with the way nobody's always right or wrong, everyone fucks up once in a while, and everyone can be the wise voice of reason some other time, it creates realism and balance.

I didn't watch QaF for love story. Then again, I guess nobody did. But now I think Brian and Justin's story is one of the best love stories I've seen. It's very unconventional. Not just because it's gay but because it's ever-changing, developing from a fling/crush into a mature relationship of two strong people who are free and quite different but try their best to make it work. It's romantic precisely because it's not.

That scene after the explosion was magical.

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I still have this fanvideo of them that's been on my PC since 2007 or 2008 but of course back then I had no idea.

I also couldn't not watch some interviews, BTS and specials. In a way, I always regret watching those because they ruin the magic, you can never see the media the same as you did before. Most of the cast seemed absolutely happy to be on the show and thrilled with everything but Gale and Randy obviously had some mixed feelings and it was a little sad. Gale especially seems like a really private person and he did not appear for most of promotions and such. He's quiet and soft-spoken, as different from Brian Kinny as it's humanly possible. It was a little disappointing, really, but at the same time that means he's an amazing actor. Also everyone kept talking about how technical it all was and being all professional, it really ruined the mood, especially with the amazing chemistry of Brian and Justin.

Another part of QaF that I love is sсript. To me it probably comes at #2 after the characters. There was some great humour on the show but also there were some really fucking wise things in there too. I took time to collect some from the web.


Goodbye, Queer as Folk. I loveded you.

@темы: series


Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Season 3

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I was hyping myself up for the season so maybe that's partly why I was disappointed. Never trust TOMATOMETER again. 100%? You must be joking.

The first episode was so disappointing, I was frankly having doubts whether it was worth it. With all of the Marvel's potential and resources, it feels like a big waste. Often the plot was so ridiculous, it was hard to take it seriously at all. Then I found these and decided it was no use even trying.

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Some parts were good but all too few. I liked the beginning of the desert planet story, it was very old-school sci-fi but the way it developed was ridiculous. Hydra is a good enemy, it's very well-grounded so making it into some kind of stupid cult ruined things for me. Apart from that, I liked the episode with the bum guy who gave flashes of the future but that's probably it.

It terms of characters, the season was weak too. I love Mei the most but she was very underrepresented in the season. The few new characters introduced didn't really make it for me. If there's one thing you can't blame of AOS, it's representation. They have people of every colour and shape, Coulson's an amputee btw, but oddly enough, it almost feels thy're trying too hard. A gay Latino? Whatever, he was lame af.

And then there's Ward. Again. I was skeptical when they finally killed Ward. Then they brought him back. Again. As a parasitic being who captured his body. I understand Brett Dalton is too hot but killing and reviving him every season is getting old.

@темы: series


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Today's dream had not one but two Tegoshige scenes. Both fairly innocent, one of all 4 babies in a pile with Tegoshi half lying on top of Shige. All perfectly natural.

@темы: TegoShige, Dreams


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
They say you never forget your first love. I suppose it's especially true if you never have a second. God, I just wish these dreams stopped.

@темы: musings


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It was a really hard week with the new job and all. I was really pissed and really stressed. I expected another failed weekend. However, I turned things around. Even though it was raining on Saturday I went to get that haircut and after I took mum to ITIS Cafe. I've been planning to go for months, play some arcades as well. It was nice. After we got back I even ordered that Thai takeout but as expected it turned out pretty gross. Oh, well. You don't know till you try. And then today I caught the last screening of X-Men: Apocalypse in 3D. I barely made it but I'm really glad I did because t was awesome. Thus, this might as well be my most productive weekend in years if not ever.

@темы: snapshot


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I had this really long and complex dream but the best part of it was this CM with NEWS. At first there was Tabe Mikako and then all the boys. There was this scene where they were sort of on a picnic and I think Tegoshi had that pink dress on and he was lying on his stomach just chilling. Then Koyama came and the two of them did... what's it called in English? Sort of Patty Cake game? really lovingly. Next Shige leaned in and kissed Tegoshi on the cheek. Massu remained awkwardly unconcerned. There were a few more scenes like that and finally there was one with Tegoshi linking arm with Koyama and Shige on both sides. Damn, that was a thing of beauty.

@темы: Dreams


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Also, father gave me a fucking katana. It's cheap and blunt and fake as fuck but it's really pretty and it's mine. So I guess now I am confirmed as a warrior class and this is my weapon. My main quest is therefore have only started.

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@музыка: 東方神起 - All In Vain


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
In other news, lately things aren't any good. The only thing that's good is that I have a good job. It's one thing that makes sense, that is worth putting effort in. Not like I'm an employee of the year and most of my work is pointless but work is money. Right now I'm not sure what to do with the surplus but that is never a concern. For the first time in my life I feel in control. I might feel like shit and have a hundred problems but it's nothing new and I can deal with it. All I can do is take one step at a time and at least now I feel some ground beneath my feet.

@музыка: PJ Harvey - We Float

@темы: myself


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I thought about it for months, I thought about the things I will write when it happens, I thought about the speech I give but none of that happened. I'm not sure if it's sad or maybe the saddest part is that I don't even care anymore.

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@музыка: Lorde - Everybody Wants To Rule The World

@темы: milestone


The Good Wife (Final)

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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It's finally over. This was the weirdest way to watch a series and my memory of it is all jumbled but it doesn't really matter, I just want to write about the things that remain in my head.

The plot was good enough but in the end it's always about the characters. There were so many good ones, both on the main cast and supporting. I really liked Cary, he deserved so much more that this, seriously. I adored Eli, he is brilliant and precious. I loved Kalinda. Her character was so good and consistent, I couldn't believe they let her go. I liked Will too, especially after death. It hit me more than I could imagine. I didn't like Peter but I liked Jason even less. At least it was clear he was just a make do. Oh, I also liked Robyn, she was so cool, why did she have to disappear after just two seasons?

I might be biased but I felt S5 was the best, it was intense and dynamic and unpredictable. S6 had some good points and it was really mean in making me ache for Cary and Kalinda, my first straight OTP since Alec/Max.

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I'm glad they didn't drag it on, S7 was already stretched thin. It started well enough and Luca is very lovable but most of the supporting cast became recurring at best. The last episode was a bit odd and undertoned but not disappointing. I don't really like fantasy scenes and it was too forceful but it was good to see Will, the plainest of all handsome men.

The Good Wife wasn't amazing, it was just solid good. In the long 7 seasons though it captivated me claiming a place in my heart.

@темы: series


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
So first Nubiru was confirmed to exist. Well, mathematically confirmed but it's scientific method so. Now... Tiamat.

Again, the present theory suggests Earth had a sibling of a sorts while the Tiamat theory says Earth and Moon were a part of one bigger planet Tiamat that was struck by huge Nibiru. The other half was destroyed forming the asteroid belt.


Zecharia Sitchin died in 2010. Othervise he'd be like "Told ya, suckers!"

@темы: i'm a geek


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
One of the reasons I always felt so lonely was that on one hand I've been depressed and unhappy all of my life so I couldn't connect with people who never felt that way but on the other hand, I never really hated myself, never hurt myself and never considered suicide so I don't feel connected to that demographic either. Through years of hard work and patience I made my skin thicker, I learned to deal with my moods and I know how to handle life better. But I don't think I can really help anyone who's struggling because in the end everyone has to find their own way. The one thing that didn't let me give up was that no matter how bad it gets, at the end of the day I still love life, even if it hates me.

@темы: myself, musings

The Diary of a Graphomaniac