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I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Retook the Myers–Briggs test. This time I ended up with ISTJ-A. Which frankly makes a lot more sense than ISFJ coz those are supposed to be caring as fuck. But this happened coz my NATURE is almost tied. I read both and both sound familiar. ISTJ creepily describes my work style of the past month but that’s just a small part of what I am.

But the thing is in Socionics I used to identify as INTj which correlates to INTP. I guess I’m fucked when it comes to typology...

@темы: myself


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Too much text and hard shit in here lately so here's a gross gif of my OTP.

 photo shigepls.gif

@темы: TegoShige


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Finally finished the last of 3 Memrise courses I took. It was mostly JLPT4. Only took 3,5 months and some words on it I only vaguely remember. Damn. That's really not motivating at all. I'll take a break and then try to move on to JLPT3. That one would probably take months.

@темы: 勉強


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
The best part of getting older is you stop giving a fuck about shit. The worst part of getting older is you stop giving a fuck about shit.

@темы: one-liner, musings


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I keep waiting for me to go back to the way I used to be but it's been a month and nothing's changed. Maybe I need to start thinking of reinventing myself completely. If things that used to work don't work anymore, I will have to move on and find those that do. I have no idea what to do yet but I'm not really worried. It's a creepy paradox. I'll figure it out somehow.

@музыка: Manic Street Preachers - From Despair To Where

@темы: myself


The new solos

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Overall, the solos were pretty good. Strictly in terms of NEWS solos tho. Very typical though. Like, guys, could you be any more predictable? But I liked them more than those from last tour so that's good enough.

Tegoshi's song sounded good from the first seconds. He was howling so arrogantly like "no matter how good your other solos are and how lame mine is, I'm gonna sound infinitely better". However, as the song unfurled and I heard the lyrics, it was just so fucking typical and incredible lame. How many heart-breaking love songs can one have? C'mon now. It reminds me of Ai Nante - I would like it if only I didn't know any Japanese. Sadly, I do.

Massu's was... "Oh, ok." That rapping was very unnecessary, in my opinion. Also much bad Engrish. As usual. It doesn't make much sense but then you don't expect it to because he's gonna show us some sexy moves and we won't give a fuck. It's very Massu and yet it sounds sufficiently different from the previous ones. Also so fucking catchy. Like wow how catchy. Also arrogant. “Shut up and watch me?” Rude. But amusing.

Shige’s solo is... nice. Overall, it sounds rather average, but the melody in the chorus is really pleasant. Also, as opposed to Tegoshi’s, the lyrics are beautiful. It’s hard to even compare Shige’s songs to others’ because even if they’re far from perfect, he fucking wrote them himself. He put a piece of his heart into them. Somewhat repititive compared to the last two, but still nice. Live performance highly anticipated.

Koyama’s... is bad. I’m sorry, but it’s just bad. To me all of his solos are bad to bearable. I love him but... yes.

@темы: NEWS., review


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Still mostly numb but somewhere beneath the surface I can feel some dull emotions bubbling. I guess the worst part is over. I somewhat calmed down about the job too. I can clearly see they need me more than I need them. I have also been in less pain though there are several very irritating trends as usual including the lingering gum nerve inflammation and chronic tonsillitis.

But anyway, at least I am considerably less annoyed. Also for several days I have been thinking about my writing. In that state it seemed impossible that I would ever write anything again. However, that changed soon enough. It happened so that I finished translating a Love Story (Tentative) last night. Then I had a dream about my first love. He ignored me as usual. How nostalgic.

But that's no the point. The point is, a week ago I felt dead inside but now there are ideas swirling in my head. Actually, I was indulging myself in bed today as it is Saturday and let my mind drift. It went so well that I actually sat down later today and wrote down a few scenes. Really good ones too. I'm not getting my hopes up but that's already really good. I am a fighter after all.

@темы: myself


Agent Carter S02

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
 photo Marvels.Agent.Carter.S02E10.720p.WEB-DL.LostFilm.DD5.1.mkv_snapshot_39.32_2016.03.09_23.37.31.jpg

Fucking finally... Now this here is good pacing in relationship development. But anyway, Season 2 was brilliant. A few questionable details here and there but overall very entertaining and picturesque.

@темы: series


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I don't even know what to do with his diary. It's clearly obsolete and yet I can't let go of it. I don't write anything personal on tumblr and Twiter is a joke so I guess here is a place to say the things I feel like saying. Which is not much lately. I used to want to write about everything, every album and concert and every random idea but lately I can't be bothered. But since I'm writing this anyway, I might as well.

February sucked a lot and March started out terribly. I am sort of busy with job but the truth is this isn't why I haven't posted anything lately. In fact, when I got a job I thought it was a good timing since I didn't feel like doing anything either way. I have one of those terrible periods where I can't seem to care about anything, my only distinct emotion being dread. I've been generally unemotional for months now but these past few weeks it got much worse. I wasn't ready for it. I didn't know how to deal with it. I mean even at my worst, even when I was crushed I had my music and my fandoms to pick me up but now I can't even care about that. I've watched some things, of course, and I mildly enjoyed them but I couldn't be bothered to post anything and for me that is abnormal. Over the last several years I've realized the me I knew could change in many ways and still remain me. I've changed my habits, my tastes and my patters. But I am not really to lose my excitement. People say bands keep them going, bands save them and stuff. For me it was never the bands, or the series. Not really. It was my excitability. The way I could get happy about small things, the way I could get passionate about things. If I lose that, I don't know how I shall go on.

I truly hope it's just a phase, that it's a Spring depression. Today it was sunny for a while and I got a little bit of energy to do something. I felt strong. I seemed to feel some slight joy stirring somewhere deep beneath the surface. But now it's gone. It doesn't help that the job is stressful as hell. You'd think being indifferent would disable you to get stressed but somehow it doesn't. I mean some bad things pass me by but so do good things. I get annoyed a lot. At things, at people, at my body that refuses to cooperate. I just want to want things again. I just want to feel something other that pain and anger.

Before I always found refuge in the fandom. Images, videos, writing and discussing. Now I look at my stories and it seems surreal I wrote them. I really am unsure I can do that again. I took a step back from the fandom hoping it would pull me back in but so far its not really trying and the more time passes the harder it would be to come back.

@темы: musings, myself


PVs of the month

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
KIM JAE JOONG - Love You More

I was very sceptical when I heard a few people call Jae's new album a "masterpiece" but it's actually not half bad. I mean I only like a few songs but the riffs on are good, they don't sound cheap. I quite like this particular song and PV. I like the non-typical people in the video and there's a really nice feel to it. It would have been a great PV if it wasn't for the parts with Jaejoon himself. They just look so off. And way too much make-up.

L’Arc~en~Ciel - Wings Flap

On it's 25th year and still going strong. What I love about Laruku is that they always keep close to their original sound and yet every time add just enough of a new touch to keep it fresh. This time it's Hyde's accentuated vocals that hit home just right. The surrealistic PV is also classy as always. Well, it'd probably be classier if Hyde kept his flaily dancing down a notch but then that wouldn't be Hyde.

NEWS - Touch

JE makes it impossible to place PVs on YT so had to improvise. I love the video. It's finally NEWS not trying to be something they're not. Pure pop at its best. Botht the song and the video just make me smile and make me pointlessly unconditionally happy.

@темы: video, snapshot


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Sometimes I feel like a sad alien sent to Earth. I learned to act like humans but still so confused. I'm constantly like "Wait, this guy is supposed to be hot. Ok, noted" "So people think this song is great. Interesting."

@темы: myself, musings


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Welcome, la_la_lame! I have been found, eh. I've had this diary for nearly 10 years but lately I post very little here. Yet, hasn't abandoned it completely. Haven't done welcome posts forever.

@темы: welcome


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...



I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
 photo Kasa o Motanai Aritachi wa - Ep 1 5.jpg

First of all, I was very skeptical about the whole idea of mashing 3 different stories into one, I think that damages the individual ideas. I do think that it's possible to do well but this was certainly not the case here. Unfortunately, I have only read one of the 3 stories that went into the sсript of the drama but I read about the other two so I have some idea of how much they were fucked up.

The "Intercept" story was more or less intact since it was inserted into the main story. Sure, it lost some of its depth, but still it was good. I didn’t read it but I want to applaud Shige for his female narrative. I remember him saying that he read “dating” books but unlike Tegoshi it was for a very valid reason. I did, however, really hate the general mood of the first two episodes. They pretty much made it a comedy and needless to say that changes the mood of the stories within it as well. If I didn’t know better, I’d say it was really bad acting, this exaggerated speech and gestures look so primitive. This semi-comic style ended abruptly halfway through the drama which was good on one hand but ruined what little consistency there actually was.

If Episode 1 left me annoyed, Episode 2 left me pissed. I actually happened to read the story used for this one and though I knew they’d change it, I didn’t expect it to be this much. I mean there was hardly anything left of it. First of all, I was really angry about changing the plot in a way that the whole “affair” only happened with the virtual perfect girl. I then realized they replaced Yukie’s character so they could use Mai instead but this killed this separate story completely. As if this wasn’t bad enough, they changed even the remaining parts of the story making it dumb and vulgar. I’m not even talking about the awful acting.

Episode 3 made me hopeful. They kids' acting was pretty good and there was no dumb humour in it. The overall atmosphere seemed pretty good too. I wasn't too hopeful though because the "Nibemonaku" story continued in Ep 4 and thus could be ruined easily. Basically, the story wasn't distorted much, the events in it were preserved. However, it lost all point because of basically the rest of the drama and its shitty plot. When it was revealed that Keisuke was a ghost the whole time (pretty touchy ghost though) I scowled. Not only was it lame, it was pretty dumb. I was imagining several ways for it to end - Jun reconnecting with Mai, or even Jun realizing he were gay for Keisuke all along. Anything would have made more sense that this. They took away the ideas of 2 of the stories and tried to fashion a new, much lamer one. What a failure. Even with this length and with these characters one could do a much better job, seriously. I kind of feel sorry for Shige, I'm sure he had a lot of internal struggle to see his precious stories butchered like that. I have to say though I enjoyed Shige’s concerned looks. However, instead of Keisuke being concerned for his friend I just saw Shige thinking “Damn, did I really create this fucking moron?” But of course, in the end I'm sure Shige knew that drama adaptation will give him a wider audience and help him reach out to more people and hopefully those who felt something from this pitiful mess of a drama will go and buy the book.

One more thing I want to say about this drama, or more like one more way they fucked it up. When I realized Shige's character were gay, I thought it was really cool. Gay characters and particularly gay characters in Japanese media, are very underrepresented and misrepresented. It's mostly 1 of 2: either's they're flashing gay, flirty and amusing or they suffer and die. I haven't seen an awful lot of Asian dramas but I can't remember any that had a gay character outside of these two roles (I'm thinking Shitsuren Chocolatier and Sunao ni Narenakute). That is why I was excited about Keisuke, even though it was a minor role. I mean I think it's really a great thing what Shige did with this story. He made it about the straight guy, showed that it was a straight boy who had issues, who was unhappy while the gay boy just continued with his life normally. "This is good, this is important" is how I felt. When I realized what they did I was like "Okay, so you kept the girl and killed off the gay guy. Good job". I wonder what actual gay people thought about this though. I'm secretly hoping Shige is on his way to becoming an icon for LGBT community.

@темы: dorama


I know I am extremely slow but...

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
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I don't even know what I feel. Not much. She's seems like a nice girl so I'm kind of glad for him. No wonder he didn't want to go to the army. I wasn't even surprised, really. Just like "Oh. Ok." Looks like now it's up to Chunjae, huh.

The pocky tasted bitter...

@темы: Yoosu


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
The year is young but I feel so tired. There are days of restlessness morphing into days of stupor. A half of me is terrified I will never move on and the other half is terrified I will. I keep myself busy with the blog but it's all just routine to keep me sane. I'm so tired of this life. Tired of being poor and counting every cent, tired of being sick and lying awake in one of those nights, tired of everyone being too busy to talk to me, tired of looking at job ads hoping I won't find anything remotely suitable, tired of trying to use what little faith I have left to invest into something only to get another disappointment, tired of putting my emotions in a tight box afraid to lose the last of my dignity. Every year I hope things will change, really change but in the end I don't really have much hope. I know there are ways out, feeble but there are but I don't even know what I want to achieve anymore. Everything just seems so pointless.

@музыка: Manic Street Preachers - The Everlasting

@темы: myself, angst


The 2015 Totals

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I'm just honestly so fuckless today so this one is really half-assed.

Site of the Year: tumblr, weibo.
Obsession of the Year: NEWS
Movie of the Year: The Hunger Games series
Series of the Year:
Dorama of the Year: Home Drama
Anime of the Year: ??
Concert of the Year:
Documentary of the Year:
Variety of the Year: Bibitto
Game of the Year: Marvel Heroes, Skyrim
Book of the Year: TS
Fuck Up of the Year: Tutoring
Quote of the Year: --
Acquisition of the Year: Kaguya Collection
Discovery of the Year:
Person of the Year:
Meeting of the Year: Lotti, Ann
Artist of the Year: Marina & the Diamonds, Melanie Martinez, Lorde
Album of the Year: Electra Heart, Cry Baby
Disappointment of the Year: people
Music Disappointment of the Year: DIAWOLF
Other events: Jean Grey was Right, JYJ in the army, USA SC rulers in support of sex-sex marriage, new internetz,

Soundtrack of the Year: NEWS - Kaguya, NEWS - 勿忘草, Christophe Willem - Le chagrin, Marina & the Diamonds - Immortal, Marina & the Diamonds - Sex Yeah, Marina & the Diamonds - Blue, Marina & the Diamonds - Just Desserts (feat. Charli XCX), Melanie Martinez - Pity Party, Lorde - Yellow Flicker Beat

Achievement of the Year: Writing a novel I can be truly proud of
Pairing of the Year: Tegoshige


Marvel's Agent Carter
Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
The Good Wife
Orange is the New Black S3
Masters Of Sex
Queer as Folk S1 (I ran out of it at S2E6)

Deka Wanko
Home Drama

Some of the Best Movies:
Harry Potter
LOTR & The Hobbit
Ode To My Father
The Hunger Games

Marvel Heroes
King's Bounty: The Dark Side

Fanvideos finished:
Kiss Me
Naughty Girl

Fanfics finished:
Of Sprites and Polaroids
Wants and Needs

This year took slightly more than 6 pages pages. It's the decline.

@темы: Totals


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Tegoshige Christmas


Tegomass: a medicine for a sore heart

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Another giveaway...

The question this time is simple: what do you like about Tegomasu as a singing duo?

 photo 598516_471953789512721_1842856143_n.jpg

I've skipped several giveaways this year because I didn't feel like I had much to say but this time I really want to write down my thoughts and feelings on the matter. Even though I am very active in the NEWS fandom, the truth is that musically they wouldn't be anywhere on the list of my favourite bands. But Tegomass is a different matter, they are a band that has a special place in my heart and I will explain why.

I love music. I listen to hundreds of artists of all sorts of music genres. I have many heavy bands, many that have complex lyrics dealing with social and political issues. For many years I tried to make myself only listen to 'serious' music, the kind of music I wouldn't be embarrassed to admit I'm listening to. Later I changed my perception and opened up to pop music but even though I liked many bands, in my eyes they always lacked some sort of integrity, I always had mixed feelings about them. When I finally encountered Tegomass, I realized they filled the void I never knew I had.

What is it that makes them so different? The simplest answer would be: purity. Their songs are filled with innocence, kindness and hope. There's no darkness or pain, only light and joy. Of course, it is important that the singers themselves have a very youthful, even child-like appearances and that allows them to sing the kinds of songs no other people could. When I look at them, Masuda and Tegoshi's styles on stage look like those of an 11-year old boy and girl respectively. Yet, they make it work.

While the boys look cute and playful on stage, they are very serious about their work. I also find it interesting that their personalities often clash but they never let it get in the way of their work. I remember reading Tegoshi say that though the two of them often disagree on things, in the end they understand that it happens because they both want to get the best possible result and that's what makes them a good unit.

I believe Tegomass is a one of a kind band. Even though they belong to Johnnies Entertainment, they aren't listed as a band on the official site and are considered to be a sub-unit of NEWS. However, I think it doesn't do them justice. I think Tegomass can hardly be called a sub-unit since, in fact, the two boys began to sing together even before NEWS was formed. It was Johnny Kitagawa himself who decided they should try singing together and that decision led to wonderful things. They're a completely different band with their own colours. It's a pity they get so little promotion so I'm glad I got to know about them. I think Tegomass is JE's hidden treasure.

In a way, Tegomass are very different to other JE bands. There is nothing in their concerts that would suggest they're JE. No trademark sparkly costumes, no choreography and a complete lack of juniors who often look out of place to me. But perhaps the best part is the live band that has been accompanying them for many years. Tegomass songs are good to begin with but during the concerts they shine with all their colours. The amazing jazzy Wasuremono at the Tegomass no Mahou simply captured my heart.

Over the years, there have been many bands I stopped listening to because while their music was good, it didn't make me feel good. However, Tegomass is a band that does and that is why I treasure it. They created their own world, a window for people to peek into their childhood dreams. Their PVs are always sweet and healing and their concerts are pure magic that transport you to a fairy-tale land. Tegomass is like a soft warm blanket, a medicine for a sore heart.

@темы: Artist


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I keep translating things but I mostly stick to short snippets. Of course, those short snippets aren't all just funny or questionable, some really make me think.

Tegoshi pisses me off a lot but also he's a great hypocrisy meter. When I weight his words I try to understand why they anger me, how I feel on the matter and what the difference is. A lot of the time it's not about the meaning but rather the wording. Say, preferences is one thing but forcing your preferences on people is another. Disliking something is one thing but acting superior towards people who like that thing is another. Tegoshi often talks about admiring people with a "high sense of aesthetics". And of course, I value that too. Though in most of the Western world, a man looks passable if at least wears fairly clean clothes and doesn't smell too bad, my standard is very high. I like men who make the effort to look good. But that only applies to potential partners and very few would pass the basic face control. That sounds harsh but I don't force it upon anyone. It's either there or not. It's very different from making your personal standards known to all the fans who in reality would never have to meet them.

I think what makes me a good person is that constant reality check, seeking to find the balance and be true to myself.

Also this quote I translated:

Kato: I want to be praised but when I’m actually praised, I feel troubled. Especially when I get compliments regarding my looks, I feel uncomfortable. I mean of course I’m glad and it’s better than people speaking ill of me but I hate it when people disregard my feelings on the matter. (laugh) It really happened a lot during middle school. There would be things in magazines like “special feature on the fresh crop of future ikemen” and I’d get 5 stars. I’d think “I see, I see, so I’ll become an ikemen?” (laugh) This isn’t about looks… For example, when I’m told “In that recent show you were really interesting” such a praise makes me very very happy.

Wink Up, 2015.12

A half of me is like “Aaaw, bb doesn’t want to be objectified!” and the other half is like “Shut up and just admit you’re hot”. But later I realized I understand what he really means. I never really knew how to react to compliments regarding my looks. I never really wanted to be told I'm pretty or cute, I suppose I even dreaded it. Not like I've been told that often but I never longed for that.

It wasn't about just looks either. I never particularly felt the need to be liked. Rather than being liked, I wanted to be respected. I guess I was very luck to have a high level of self-esteem very early on, maybe even too high, but at least I never felt the need to have other people's approval. Say, being told I'm smart doesn't really make me happy. I know I'm smart, so what? The real satisfaction comes from appreciation of the things that I did, especially the things I worked hard on. I suppose my personality is also one of them though because forging my personality is the biggest hardest work in my life.

@темы: musings, myself

The Diary of a Graphomaniac