Maybe I should get one of those "life" things people are always talking about. (c)

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I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It is a warm sunny day and though I don't feel strong today I pushed myself just a little and cleaned the shelves in my room just to revel in the realization that today - perhaps for the first time in years - the apartment is mostly clean. The floor, the sink, the desk, the cabinets - it's all been cleaned within this week and mostly by me. Let it be my tiny victory.

@темы: milestone


An Open Letter to NEWS (that I will never send)

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Dear NEWS!
Congratulations on your 15th Anniversary!

I've only been looking over you for the last 5 years but to me, that is a long time. I've followed many bands but it never lasted that long before. The last boyband I gave my heart to promised to stay together forever but broke up after 5 years breaking my heart along the way so since then I decided not to get too attached to a band again, especially a boy band since they have no control over their activity.

And for a while it worked. It's ironic, really. I never had any interest in Johnny's bands and was annoyed when in 2006 my friends abandoned J-rock for KAT-TUN and Yama Pi. I heard about NEWS then, but it was only Yama Pi and Ryo everyone talked about and I didn't care about them. So when I met you again in 2013 as a group of 4 you were virtually unknown to me and though all the other JE bands before and after you failed to get my attention, you somehow did. I didn't even look at your PVs until a few months later, it was your personalities and the chemistry you have that got to me. You were entertaining and funny and intriguing. I've been too disillusioned in the past so I treated it like a temporary infatuation and yet, 5 years alter, here we are.

I'm not going to say I am your biggest fan because that is not true. There are plenty of people who love you more. Yet, you have become such a huge part of my life it's a little scary. For one, you often brighten my days just with your smiles or your silly antics. But truth be told, it's not the main point since there are other things that help me to keep me going.

I have a daily blog and for the past 5 years it's mostly about you. It makes me happy sharing your images and words and connecting with people from all over the world. I'm not one for being sentimental but if it wasn't for you, I would never meet the wonderful people who are my friends, people with whom I not only chat about fan stuff but can also talk about the most intimate things. This fandom is overwhelmingly nice and supportive and it makes me feel like I belong.

Whats even more important, is that my mum became a fan and now we are closer than we have even been. She absolutely adores Massu and we watch and discuss almost everything together and it's amazing. Whenever she's upset I put Nantoka Naru Sa on and it makes things a little better.

Though I don't have much respect for your music, you have managed to gain my respect in other ways. Koyama has to be one of the nicest people in existence and Massu is the embodiment of sugar and rainbows and unicorns but in the end, it was Tegoshi and Kato who are responsible for bounding me to this group, although in very different ways.

I noticed Tegoshi because of my interest in crossdressing but then I saw ItteQ and was thoroughly impressed. Since then, I've been fascinated with him. Not always in a good way. There are times when he makes me want to punch him (a sentiment I'm sure other NEWS members share) and also times when I admire and envy his strength and willpower. People sometimes ask me if I hate him and of course I don't but my feelings for him are complicated. He is full of contradictions and layers and he's many things but never boring. Unraveling him is exciting and it's one of the things that kept me interested these 5 years.

And then there is Kato who has gained more respect in my eyes than any other celebrity ever. Every time I think I can't admire him any more, he goes proves me wrong. There are many reasons for that. I first noticed Kato for his critical and cynical attitude, his maturity and sensibility which made him so relatable to me. But soon I realized he was so much more. He is very intelligent and educated but not arrogant, he is classy but not snobbish, he has his own opinions on everything and he's not afraid of talking about the important and controversial issues despite his idol status. I only read some of his stories but I genuinely likes them. I also respect him the most as an artist. After all, he's the only one who writes his own songs. There are few NEWS songs I like but I sincerely enjoy most of Kato's solos. His music is not phenomenal but it's unique. He knows his strong sides and uses them well. His music combined with his voice has a rare soothing quality and I treasure it.

But i'ts also the chemistry between all of you that entices me. The four of you being so different and still managing to understand and respect each other's needs, to combine your strengths and become one quirky unit. Though, to be honest, I don't really see you as a band. Not a music band anyway, more like an entertainment group. Still, you are many things. You stimulate me, educate me, allow me to express my sense of humour and creativity. Though I wrote stories before, when I began to write about you, my writing reached another level of fulfillment and became very important to me.

It's a little sad how we are probably never going to meet. Frankly, I'm not even sure I want to go to your concert. Why? Perhaps because I have too much pride. Paying a few hundred bucks just to be one of the thousands of people, just be allowed to see you for a few hours just feels wrong. You don't feel like idols to me, more like friends of the same age, someone I watch over and mature together with. Or maybe it's because the moment I see you you shall became real, tangible, and even more unreachable so I prefer to think of you as just characters on screen. I'm sure most fans won't understand this but this is a part of my complicated coping mechanism. I'm not sure you realize this but you don't sell music. What you sell is a fantasy - of strong friendship, of an ideal boyfriend or even of innocence. I am a travesty, a fan who hates being a fan. And yet... I wish I could look you in the eyes just once and smile just so that you know I exist, just to know our souls have brushed against each other for a brief moment.

@темы: NEWS.


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Most of my dreams suck, are awkward and unpleasant, with half being a throwback to high school. But last night I had several amazing dreams. One was where I just walked the city and saw this gorgeous architecture. Several huge buildings that were all different but all amazing. One was called "Blue Palace". Like in Skyrim, but a lot bigger and deep blue. I remember wondering how I missed such beautiful structures and deciding to go take a better look in the future.

And then there was the NEWS dream. I seldom have those but I guess all this anniversary business got to me because I had a dream where NEWS had a concert in my city, right in the central square and I wasn't even going there like I didn't care too much. But at some point, Shige sorta flew off the stage and ended next to me and we just saw each other and that alone made me happy. But the best part was at the end. It was quiet and nobody talked in a solemn moment. As I stood in the crowd very close to them, I saw Massu. He saw me too and smiled at me and mouthed something and I mouthed "Arigato" and it just felt so right.

@темы: Dreams


Russell Howard

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I thought I knew enough about US by watching The Daily Show and John Oliver and Sam Bee but somehow this guy managed to find new arguments covering the same issues in a both informative and funny way. Of course eh also talks about UK problems a lot and I've learned a lot. He's got a good heart and a good mind and funny as hell.


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
For some reason I have been listening to a lot of old electronic music lately. Perhaps it has to do with playing Drakensang Online again, it's good BGM. All the single gems I had on CDs, or rather my sister had. They're a bit like discarded toys and for some odd reason I feel bad that she abandoned them. I downloaded most of Porcupine Tree discography but On The Sunday of Life is 300% superior than other albums. There's also Recoil I buried years ago. And recently while cleaning up the space and throwing out most CDs I ripped Free Fat Acid Jazz and Shiva feat. Magdalena. I'm a closed circuit.

@музыка: Recoil - The Defector


Gamer stats

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...

A few studies showing which genres of video games are preferred by women and also what are the main motivations for m/f. Pretty fascinating how much female player ratio varies by genre but also within genre. Thus, DO: Inquisition had almost a half female players which indicates that it's not that women dislike certain genres, but more that certain genres are heavily targeted at men. DO is a pretty typical RPG but it offers immersive story, character development, and romantic story lines and that is a deal-maker for most women. Most of us are so thirsty we'll take anything with an optional female character. It was also interesting that in terms of motivation a whole 17% of women favoured completion, followed by fantasy and design. If game developers are smart, they should change their approach in the near future and stop catering exclusively to male egos.

@темы: links, Games


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...

The test is not really a test to check your gender but rather where you stand on the average scale. And it seems fairly accurate too as I thought mum's result would be similar to mine but it was just normal.

Not sure if this is bad or good. On one hand, I'm in pretty good conditions now in many ways so it could be better. But then it's only slightly higher than average and to me, that's already good.

@темы: myself


Born a Crime

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I don't read books lately. I used to read a lot in college but I'm afraid the modern life got to me and it's hard to even watch a 5 minute video, let alone read a book. I did try though. Last summer I almost finished that book my sister gave me but... yeah, that didn't turn out well. But when I heard Trevor Noah wrote a book I wanted to read it. It was even better learning there was an audiobook. For some reason, audiobooks have the image of not being "real" books. However, that doesn't really make sense. You get the same content and with this book, you not only get to hear the story from the author, you almost get an audio drama as he narrates all the direct speech with corresponding accents or even languages. And he's great at it.

The book is brilliant. Or maybe that's not the best word as this isn't a novel. This is a life masterfully told. Though it is more than a story of one person's life, more than a story of a family, it is also a story of the nation and this volume makes the story unique. The book deals with so many issues from race to religion to domestic violence. I think different people would feel different things about it. But to me it is ultimately about hope and finding one's purpose, overcoming the hardships against all odds.

Trevor is an amazing storyteller and takes you on an 8 hour trip to his childhood and adolescence and even further back to his mother's life with a brief history of South Africa in between. His way of describing each scene in great detail makes you feel like you've been in those places and almost experiences these events. It really is like a condensed life, life so different from your own. There are funny parts, embarrassing parts and sad parts. I finished listening with a sense of amazement - partly at how someone who looks so easy-going and carefree has had such a hard life, partly at realizing how lucky I was to not know what real hardship is but mostly towards the amazing heroine that is Trevor's mother.

@музыка: Porcupine Tree - Moonloop



I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...

Teresa was planned as a second option and I wanted to wait some more but then I decided it was a chance given to me and waiting does nothing but bring disappointment. She's 60$ on Amazon but I found her at a local shop and figured it was my last chance. So I got her. And she's gorgeous. There's one issue though. She has greasy hair which is a problem with a lot of Fashionistas so it's been 3 days and I'm still trying to clean it. It's fine, we're gonna be fine.



I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...

I try not to get pleased with myself too often but this time I was because it's hella hard to find a good TV series and Manhattan is great. It's got all the ingredients: a solid plot, good complex characters, and a fascinating setting. But it's also based on a very real part of history that shaped the world. While the characters are fictional, all the problems they deal with were very much real and I think it was a brilliant idea to explore it. There are no good guys here - everyone is struggling and stumbling but still trying so hard to do the right thing, even if those things might be very different. Sure there very some misses - especially in the S2 with the erratic timeline and tangled storylines - but overall this was a great series and it really deserved the 3rd season. The ending turned out incredibly depressing and cut off.

@темы: series


Mass Effect

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...

I've heard about Me series long ago but I'm not that big of a sci-fi fan, I'm more of a classic boring fantasy game fan. You know, the good ol' swords and elves and magic and dungeons. But I thought I should try it at some point and now with the Epcotia it seemed like the perfect timing.

At first, I was pleasantly surprised. This world was something completely new and navigating space is decidedly different from running around on foot. The variety of gameplay was exciting. I especially enjoyed the rover, taking selfies on every planet and proudly speeding as the galaxy's worst driver. However, after a dozen planets, it got old. Most missions are repetitive and boring. I felt like there was a lot of potential wasted. The characters are interesting enough but no more than that. The crew missions are just typical errands. The graphics are a little old but I used the improved textures, not without some effort, so it was pretty good.

The plot is... predictable overall. I mean saving the world? Again? Of course, it's just another game created for men to feel cool. Don't even start me on the fanservice like intergalactic strip joint. With a female Shepard it felt like the narrative was a little more fresh. But of course at the back of my mind, it always felt like an alternative option. I also hacked the relationship options allowing myself to hook up with Ashley. I mean, obviously. I don't care for the dude or the blue chick. But yeah, choosing to play as a woman already felt like hacking the game. I was looking forward to the sexy scene but it was really disappointing. I mean, c'mon. Hundred hours of gameplay and 5 seconds with a flash of an ass?

Despite all the drawbacks, as I approached the endgame, I made a major break. I told myself it was because I needed to finish Neverland and then I would finish it when I move on to Epcotia. But it was mostly because I got too attached to my character and it felt sad to leave her. Which is a little odd as I finished the game pretty quickly and I didn't have inventory or a crib to leave.

The final mission was quite fun to do but it felt almost disappointingly easy. I reached L50 but I didn't expect it to go without a real challenge. That always tends to ruin the experience a little. But overall, the game is a solid 4/5

I might just go for ME2 though I can't say I am particularly craving for it right now.

@музыка: 4 hero - Hold it down

@темы: Games



I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...

Got myself a new friend. Or old actually. Her legs are limp and her hair’s been tampered with but othervice, she’s fine. I’m not so fresh myself so we’re a good match. I wasn’t able to identify her, wasn’t able to find a single similar doll or outfit on the whole internet (and I’m a pro at that) and I suppose that was part of the intrigue. But she’s from about 2006-7 judging from the stamp on her body. And the 2000′s fashion, those pants with blue and green sparkle and acid shoes, there’s something nostalgic about it. I don’t like the main Barbie blonde models but she looked different. There was something about her that made me get her.


Getting old...

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...

Not long ago I finally confirmed my suspicions - I'm turning grey. They're just a few hairs so far and the colour disappears unevenly but it's already happening. And I'm not one bit saddened by it. Perhaps even slightly relieved. I guess it's because it makes my struggles a little more valid. Also the hairs are silvery, not grey. They look like grace and experience.

For some reason, I've never been more ready to turn another year than I am now. It's been another tough year but also I feel like I grew a lot, maybe more than I have in several years before that. I feel the most adult I ever did. I still have a long way to go but I came a long way from the girl who was terrified of the world. I still get scared sometimes but I know that in the end, I can handle it.

@музыка: Masuda Takahisa - Thunder

@темы: myself


Game of Thrones

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I've heard about the Game of Thrones for years but only now my mum decided to watch it and gave up on S2 because of all the violence and sex and sexual violence. Sure, there's great acting and all but I don't get how people watch this stuff. But then people watch horror I guess.

My sister adores GoT and she violently disagreed with any criticism saying "Well, that's Middle Ages, that's how it was back then". Back fucking when? When dragons thrived? When women were born without body hair? That's a bullshit excuse. It's the same with video games. At least be honest about it and call it what it is - some straight dude's fantasy, no need to hide behind excuses of realism. Making women powerless sexual objects is not a requirement.

Now it's just one more thing that separates us. I am now not as bad with violence as I used to be but now that I fell out of the loop, I realized this is something I absolutely do not need. And people who enjoy media with gore and violence scare me in a way.

Update: Mum dropped Game of Thrones and now watching Handmaid's Tale. She likes it more, as expected. I half-watch it. It's a good story but far too bleak. It's pretty amazing how different these two shows are but, at the same time, not really if, say, someone attempted to write Handmaid's tale from a man's perspective.
запись создана: 04.05.2018 в 20:02

@темы: series, bitching


The Strangeness of Normality

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It's been a few weeks now that I feel like a semi-functional, no, almost fully functional human being. I do have some stomach ache and I fight off depression every day but in terms of overall physical state, I feel good. Better than I have in a long time.

It's such a mysterious feeling - getting proper rest form sleep and being able to do normal daily tasks, not just one. I got so used to preserving my energy for the most essential things I almost don't know how to use it. So I test my limits. Normally, even a small workout such several push-ups would make my muscles ache the next day but this tie it only worked the first few days. After that, no matter how much I did sit-ups and all kinds of exercises, I feel fine. I used to get out of breath form one smile task such as cleaning something but now I can do it without problem. It's like - is this how normal people feel?

The saddest thing I realized was - yes, this is true. I am not lazy or passive. I really, truly can't do the things normal people do. And I want to think I don't care what anyone thinks - especially my sister - but the truth is if you're questioned for years and years and accused no matter how much you try to defend yourself, you start to question yourself. Now I fully realize that what I have to endure is a denial of my very existence and nobody should have to live through that.

I don't know how it started, I got better even before last treatment session - before I felt so shit I could't make it into the session. All I know is this will probably halt one day so until then I will try my hardest to use it and strengthen myself even a little bit.

@темы: myself


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Notes results of part of a survey of high school and college students and nonstudent adults. Ss were asked to estimate what their 1Q scores would be on standard tests, what the IQ of others would be, and what the IQ of their mothers and fathers would be. These patterns emerged: (a) Compared with males, females invariably underestimated their IQ scores. (b) Compared with males, females attributed higher IQs to others than they claimed for themselves. (c) Without exception, male and female Ss—the latter most markedly—projected higher IQs onto their fathers than their mothers.

Hogan, H. W. (1978). IQ self-estimates of males and females.


@темы: i'm a geek


The Movie List

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Downsizing [2017]
Professor Marston and the Wonder Women [2017]
Close-Knit [2017]
Sing Street [2016]
The Normal Heart [2014]


New Monitor

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I finally discovered the extension that lets you see all the Photobucket pictures again. But I think I'll still stick to Imgur for now.

Finally, after a week, 2 broken monitors and lots of struggle, I got my brand new one. It's about 60% wider than my old one so it will take time to get used to but it's such a relief. My old monitor frankly died of natural causes since it was 10-12 years old. But it's so odd to buy something for myself, it's been awhile since I allowed it.

@музыка: Sia - Confetti

@темы: PC


Joshiteki Seikatsu

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...

I’m very skeptical about Japanese dramas involving cross-dressing but Joshi teki Seikatsu is just 4 episodes long so I gave it a chance. And I’m glad I did. Jun Shison is charming as a transgender lesbian woman working in fashion industry. The drama is a glimpse into her life, work, and relationships. Miki is bright, motivated, and totally not giving a fuck.

The drama is by no means perfect but in just 4 episodes it manages to achieve a number of things many similar dramas fail to. While the premise is not new to Japanese dramas, Joshiteki Seikatsu manages to sidestep most of the cliches and break some stereotypes, such as showing that gender and sexuality are two separate things. The drama’s central relationships are unconventional and you have no idea where it’s all going at all. While there are some rather blunt conflicts thrown in, the outcomes are never quite predictable. All in all, it’s a drama about living your own life with no shame, even if it differs greatly from the rest. That theme is universally relevant but especially so in conformist Japan.

One more pleasant surprise was seeing a transgender woman named Satsuki Nishihara who appeared in Episode 2 as Miki’s former roommate. I knew her from NEWS na Futari episode on LGBT people. She also apparently mentored Jun Shison on set.

@музыка: Adore Delano - Out of the Blue

@темы: dorama


I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
On Wednesday the electricity went out for 6 hours and yesterday my monitor decided to die. Well, it was about 12 years old so it died of natural causes. Now I’m temporarily using an ancient flickering monitor with a greenish tint, but it’s better than nothing and I can work at least. I guess I have to spent all the reserve money on a new one on rather a not new but newer one since new ones are too expensive. The week was a disaster and things aren’t really looking up so I won’t be posting as much this week probably. I did almost half of Neverland but with a crappy monitor I can’t edit screens, gifs and scans properly so that has to wait. Good things don't come to me.

Well, guess it's time to remember the Situationist motto...

@музыка: Gala - Suddenly

The Diary of a Graphomaniac