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02:13 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...


Fuck you, Photobucket! I have 7.7k pictures stored since fucking 2004. It was almost unbrowsable by now from all the fucking ads and now this shit? Without any prior notice? Why the fuck would I need 7k unembedable photos for? Why don’t you just die already?

Even being on the internet for nearly 20 years I tend to forget how brittle it is. You get used to certain social networks and sites and take it for granted but one day they may disappear without any notice. I remember how in late 2000′s we relied on megaupload. It seemed so solid that it felt like all the files stored there would be there for many years. But one day it was just gone. Youtube was a special dream crusher. I remember how excited I was over my first account, I uploaded all of my fanvideos and had thousands of views but one day it was just gone over copyrights. I made another one and was more careful with it but still one day it was terminated too. I made another one but I didn’t bother upping all my videos and made sure am not as attached to it. Then there was VEOH, I had a solid account there too but one day my country was just blocked from it. Earlier this year the government closed access to some popular social networks for the whole country and while I never cared about them it made me angry. Now Photobucket made a dick move and my online diary of 11 years lost all of its pictures. You spend years building up a blog, reputation and followers and then in a blink of an eye it may all be gone and there’s nothing you can do about it.

13:28 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I haven't been seeing dreams in months but lately I am seeing them a lot again. There was one very unique dream where I went back in time and woke up in 1997 or so thought for some reason. But then family began to talk about a revolution so I thought 2004. Must have been caused by my recent ponderings on what if. The last few days have also been pretty interesting, tonight I was on stage as one of TVXQ and I think I was Junsu becasue I had so sing this really cool solo part and my voice was awesome but I couldn't remember the lyrics so I was so embarrassed that I'm letting him down. There were also a few pretty gay ones, I wonder about that.

@музыка: Placebo - Where Is My Mind

@темы: Dreams

16:31 

Кореяда – 2017

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Ходила вчера на "Кореяду". Это был второй раз. Так как у них ротация и в Киеве она проходит раз в 4 года, должно быть, было это 8 лет назад. Кажется, в другой жизни. Так как в этом году было 25-летие дип. отношений с Кореей и 80-летие массовой депортации Корейцев, концерт затянулся. Вот только релевантных номеров у них не хватило, поэтому большинство выступавших имели очень мало отношения к Корее, а кто-то и вовсе никакого. Было пару ансамблей с классическими номерами, барабанщики и Тхэккён. А также один дедуля, исполнявший что-то вроде Трот. Но большинство выступавших были местными корейцами 3-го поколения и кроме фамилий "Ким" и "Пак" от Кореи у них, похоже, ничего не осталось. Так, первыми выступали две юные девочки корейского вида, которые пели песню на корейском, наверно, хуже моего.

 photo IMG_6264.jpg

Приз зрительских сипматий получил один хитрый певец. Песни у него были так себе, но зато вместо скучных абстрактных анимаций как у большинства выступавших, он поставил клипы популярных корейских исполнителей. Первым из которых был Rising Sun, причем, японская его версия. В зале было явное оживление, но, в основном, со стороны нашей молодежи. Что даже немного удивило, ведь клипу более 10 лет. Вторая песня была балладой, но звучала намного лучше, однако ведущий зачадочно пошутил, что первая песня ему понравилась больше.

 photo IMG_6275.jpg

Но, в целом, думаю, концерт был скучен большинству пришедших. Слишком мало там было корейского, да и организация страдала, особенно звук. Людей было довольно мало, не полный зал. Рядом со мной сидели три мелких корейских мальчика лет 3-х, которые весь концерт крутились и маялись. Оживились они лишь во время "Rising Sun", а также когда одна белая девушка начала исполнять "Arirang". Вот только версия ее была слишком специфической, сродни оперному пению, и мальчики, как и я, быстро потеряли интерес.

Удивительно, что пригластли несколько совершенно "левых" гостей, но не было ничего современного. Помнится, последний раз когда я приходила посетить один любительский танцевальный коллектив с японской тематикой, года 3 назад, оказалось, что все соседние помещения полны новых групп юных любителей K-pop-а. Их было 3 или 4. Неужто никто из них не захотел бы выступить на этой сцене? Не знаю, каков их увовень, но, честно говоря, планку фестиваля сложно было бы опустить ниже.


PS: Кажется, по-русски я писать скоро разучусь.

00:34 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
 photo 20170612 news every. NEVERLAND.ts_snapshot_01.18_2017.06.13_23.16.31.jpg

The past few months it felt like my feelings have shut down, but now it seems like they accumulated somewhere deep inside to break free last night. I haven't felt such a deep pain and frustration in a long time. Funny how both stated were caused by Tegoshi. I wasn't surprised that much but this is one of those moments that could become gamechangers, both for him and for the band. Maybe for the fandom too. I kind of hope all of the above.

@музыка: Dir en grey - Sajou no Uta

@темы: Tegoshi Yuya, NEWS.

23:39 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I've been on this really strict diet for a month now - no bread, no flour, rice, chocolate or coffee, chicken and much more. I got through it, it was hard but I endured hoping it would get better but today after a check-up the diet wasn't cut, it only got more severe - now I can't have any milk, sugar or eggs either. I was so proud of myself but this is getting really hard, not to mention all the other prescriptions. It's gonna be another long month.

@темы: myself, snapshot

14:46 

Movie List

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
Lion
Loving
The Greatest Game Ever Played
Queen of Katwe
Fences
Moonlight
The Kings of Summer
Pele
On The Road

@темы: movies

01:09 

Torment: Tides of Numenera

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
 photo large_Torment3.jpg


First of all, there's two ways to judge the game: as an individual media or as a spiritual successor to Planescape: Torment. If you think of it as a separate game it has its merits as well as shortcomings but I'm sure it has its audience. If you judge it as the latter, however, it is a failure on nearly every level. When I discovered P:T I was charmed and shaken, I wanted, needed to learn more about the Planescape world, I downloaded the OST and read a ton of articles on it. But Ninth World left me thoroughly unimpressed.

The graphics are good overall. Not as good as the concept art but still good. But surely it's not the game's crucial feature. That would be the plot and the game world. The expectations were high. I could forgive many problems and bugs if the plot was good but alas I found it very disappointing. There was some intrigue at first and a hope that the puzzle will start to make sense after a while but as it progressed the disappointment grew. The Changing God wasn't the best character and after meeting him he just came off as an egomaniac douchebag, and not even a very smart one. The Sorrow seemed like a good antagonist but the ending scene when it talked rubbish completely ruined the effect. The Ending was very disappointing. The whole time I had a slightest hope everything will make sense in the end but it did not. The whole thing just felt so... pointless.

The extensive terminology was redundant. I understand some terms would be good to highlight a world's uniqueness but there's just too much of it and it's really unnecessary to replace normal concepts with obscure terms. Fettles? Nano? That is really trying too hard. The whole tidal concept was just so raw and pointless. Why would they bring so much focus to it if it had so little influence on the game and the ending? The meres and anamnesis seemed like a good idea to add flavour and volume to the game since I really loved the Sensorium in Planescape. However, it just didn't work for me. I can't really tell why exactly but only a few stories left a strong impression. Overall, the game's lore felt too heavy and forced. As if the creators got together, got high, wrote down all their thoughts and then just went from there jamming every quirky idea into the sсript without consolidating them.

The game's fights were somewhat complex and redundant. I collected a lot of cyphers and money most of which I never got to use. The armour and weapon choice was also rather poor but since the game was so short it didn't really matter much. And yes, the game is too short. And at this point I was glad about it but no matter how you look at it the number of locations just feels too little. Sagus Cliffs was quite interesting but after that you get a few sloppy locations and then it's just the Bloom. The teaser art showed a number of unique locations such as Oasis city, Ossiphagan and a dozen locations on the world map but apparently they only appear in the novellas or meres.

When I first learned of the project I thought it was a great idea and the crowdfunding would let the true creativity flow. But the end product was nothing like what I imagined from the released teasers and nothing like P:T. If anything, the game mechanic feels more like Fallout than P:T. Not to mention the fact that the game has been delayed for over 2 years and still the original release was raw and buggy.

In the end: if I knew what I was in for I wouldn't do it. Not because the game is so bad, but because unlike P:T it wasn't worth it for me. For a couple of good thoughtful ideas I got a pack of disturbing images.

I got to play it for free so I don't have the right to bitch but if I did pay for it expecting another P:T I would be very pissed off.

@темы: Games

18:35 

Every Day It's a New Shitstorm

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It's been about 2 months now that I have gotten seriously pissed with Tegoshi. And while it happened several times before this time it was different, it was a deeper disappointment and it never quite disappeared, washing over me and taking a large portion of my love for NEWS with it. I got over it soon enough but nothing was ever quite the same. My "maybe I'm leaving" posts on tumblr are getting old and people might think I'm just being dramatic but it's not like that, really. I go on but only because I have nothing better to do and because I'm afraid to let go. It's almost like an old marriage: the feeling is disappearing but I still try to convince myself it can be fixed and rekindled.

And then there, of course, are the scandals. The last month has been a fucking drag. First Koyama, then Tegoshi, Tegoshi and more Tegoshi. Koyama's made me just plain mad. Nobody should say a bad word about this wonderful man, he just doesn't deserve it. Thankfully, he seems to be in good standing in JE so he should be fine. And Tegoshi's... are driving me crazy. On one hand, they also make me mad becasue honestly in all of the "scandalous" bits of info released lately, there was absolutely nothing really incriminating. Even the latest article, which might have well been 100% made up. But if you assume it's true, there's absolutely nothing shocking in it, all of it is easy to believe. Partying, drinking and sleeping around once in a while is what adult men do. There's nothing wrong with it unless they deceive or abuse women which is clearly not the case. But what kind of bitch would do that to him after meeting over 30 times? Tegoshi's real problem is a lack of judgement. But it feels like someone is out to ruin his career and that always has a chance to drag the whole band down.

His reaction to those scandals, however, has been truthfully dumb. The more he tried to explain himself, the more attention to brings to it. And it's irritating how people find it somehow "brave" and admirable when I think it's just selfish and dumb. Besides, the whole ticket issue didn't bother me until me denied it altogether and that was annoying becasue clearly it doesn't add up. At this point I'm just tired of it all, more than anything.

I try to make at least a few posts per day but in the end it feels like more of a habit than joy. Even my excitement for Prince was brief, it seems to be gone now. But then I don't feel excited about anything, really, as of late and that's the saddest part. I'm not sad even, just numb. Maybe all of this is just a part of my depression, I still hope I can light up at some point, that not all is lost. I want to be creepily excited like all those fans, I want to be slightly in love with Tegoshi like I used to be, but the more time passes the less likely that seems to be.


Related Articles:
graphicabyss.tumblr.com/post/159573525954/why-i...

@темы: musings, fandom

20:51 

Dahlia

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I never brought pot flowers before but yesterday I just saw it and wanted to take it home. I planted my dahlia to the big pot and now it is mine to take care of.

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@темы: snapshot

17:13 

Recent shows

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I was looking for something to watch and I came across "Travel Man" with Richard Ayoade. As expected, he's charming in a very English way. We also ended up watching "The IT Crowd". I am still not quite comfortable with the dark humour but it's just 4 short seasons.

"The Real O'Neals" has been cancelled and it is upsetting in many ways. Sure they had their ups and downs but it was a bold attempt to give young LGBT people something to identify with. Yet, I have a feeling it was that demographic that gave up on it. Anyway, don't have many options left. TBBT is closing the 10th Season and now I guess it'll be 4th Season of "Agents of SHIELD", just for laughs and "The Good Fight".

I also started watching "49". I am annoyed by Shori but there's Jinguji and also I need to know how a story about a father's spirit ending up in his son's body ended up creating a cross-dressing boy band.

@музыка: SHINee - Last Gift

@темы: series

03:53 

Torment

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
 photo purple_1.jpg


I started Torment: Tides of Numenera about a week ago. My mental state has been very shaky lately and I was going to wait some more but in the end one night nothing worked so I did this. It's not as good as I hoped for but still pretty good. The graphics don't feel that much different from 1999 but the thing is heavy. Anyway, this is now a solid part of my days. Sometimes I fear it makes me even more distressed but a part of me believes - hopes - it might stir something, help me find something inside, something that would let me find control. It might seem foolish but at this point I feel like it's as good a try as any.

@темы: Games

18:05 

Barbara

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
My first Barbie doll, I got her at about 10 I think. Those were expensive at the time and we didn't really have money. She was a Sun Jewel 1993 Barbie and was the cheapest one at 10$. I didn't like her though. I hated the pink swimsuit and the blond hair and the dumb look on her face. I didn't like her as much as I liked Diane, my older doll but she was brand new. Contrary to what one might expect, I never played carefully. My sister barely touched her sirer Barbie but I felt like if you don't play with it, what's the point? So she went through a lot of things, including an unsuccesful hair dye. I think I wanted to make her Esmeralda or something. In the end, when my playtime was over she was left with ugly grey hair and damaged make-up.

After that I haven't seen her for years but at some point I found her and tried to redo her make-up which only made her look worse. She spent more years in the deep of the closet until recently. Something made me dig her out and give her a final makeover. I removed the remains of the previous makeover and repainted her face once again carefully. More importantly, I dyed her hair blue. I took a week trying various ways finally setting for a sharpie. It wasn't neat at all the colour is kinda uneven but that's fine. That's ok. I also gave her one of the new dresses. I was gonna give her the purple one but turns out it's way too small for her. Funny how they made new "curvy" Barbies but also made the normal ones thinner. Anyway, I like how she looks now. She looks edgy kind of and more adult. Be well, Barbara.

 photo Barbara.jpg

@музыка: Sia - Never Gonna Leave Me

@темы: little treasures, Nostalgic Pushead

00:47 

Prince

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
 photo Cl6y0jvUsAAvhEN.jpg

I’m not really into any other JE bands even though I know them all by now. However, there’s one that picked my interest. Actually, they’re still juniors but I do hope they debut. The group’s Mr. King vs Mr. Prince but I am more interested in the Prince half. I’ve heard about them several times before mostly thanks to their interaction with NEWS. Like, that one time Tegoshi-senpai came to their photoshoot and took a picture with them. They even met his high standards in boys. Anyway, after that 2 of the boys - Iwahashi Genki and Jinguji Yuta - wrote that they were really happy about the photo and that it’s their treasure. Jinguji also wrote to Shige saying he’s often told he looks like him and Shige gave him back a bit of him wisdom.

MORE

@музыка: NEWS - Silent Love

@темы: Artist, slash

03:50 

Might As Well

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I like the NEWS fandom. It's nice and sweet and supportive and very naive. I don't know, sometimes it makes me uncomfortable how excited and dedicated everyone is. And it's not even just the younger kids, but even those who are in their 20's. I almost start to wonder if it's just me that's so broken. I guess TVXQ was the biggest change for me. I gave too much of myself, invested too much and my heart was broken. Even though I love Alice Nine and I love NEWS, in the end I have a much practical approach.

Sure you can talk lave and trust and dedication but in the end if you look at in in a more pragmatic way it's just trade. They are artists who sell their image and they live from that, from their fans. And we buy it trying to fill in some emptiness inside. I used to be so emotionally involved before but now when shit goes down often my immediate reaction is to emotionally distance myself from it to avoid pain. That's how it was with Yoochunnie too. It doesn't always work and in the end I often deal with it later but I do not feel bad for not empathizing with every drama. They sure as hell don't share mine, so why should I? And I used to disapprove of fans leaving TVXQ, fleeting like rats from a sinking ship to pursue other, younger bands but now I understand.

@темы: fandom, musings

18:20 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
20:42 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
My Christmas present finally came. I wasn't even as excited as I should have been because ma girl had to pay a double fee and resend it and fuck my mail service and I felt my soul seeping out of me for 20 minutes I spent at the post office but... It's here. And it's perfect. Better that I could ever imagine. Probably best thing that happened this year so far.

 photo IMG_4664.jpg

@темы: little treasures

17:44 

I hate them Love Songs - a giveaway

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
NEWS and Tegomasu have given us many love songs that have touched our hearts ^^ or excited our senses XD. Which is your favourite love song of NEWS or Tegomasu or the solo members, and why?

Finally, leave a Valentine's Day message for NEWS!


It's been a while since I took part in any giveaways but I decided to try this time. To be honest, I was never good with love songs. Mostly because I could not relate to them. So even though NEWS have so many, it's not easy for me to pick even one. There are songs about first love which I can't relate to since I have never even seen this kind of pure sweet love in my life, let alone experience it. Then, there are songs like Chankapana and Bambina or EMMA but... I don't even think they are about love, that's just passion and lust. There are also songs about dramatic love like Anata or Ai Nante which are beautiful songs but they're about some larger-than life love that's completely alien to me and, to be honest, probably most people including Tegoshi.

However, when I began to think of what song I would pick, one title came up within seconds. And that is "Dreamcatcher". First of all, it is a self-composed song and to me that is important, it makes the song that much more personal. Shige's songs always feel very unique and genuine and "Dreamcatcher" most of all. Even the title is alluring, it's an image that just sticks in your mind vividly. It might not be the most powerful love song but it has its own distinct flavor. It has a mature feeling but no vulgarity as sadly is common for many Japanese songs. Instead, it's soft and sensual. The lyrics, while at times rather bizarre, paint a vivid intricate scenery.

And then there's the performance. I guess it has to be my favourite solo performance of all. It's very classy and yet casual and I feel it's something only Shige could do. It really feels like he knows exactly what he's doing. He may not be the best singer or dancer, but he knows how to play his cards well and this song reflects his talent and his personality perfectly.

 photo NEWS 10th Anniversary in Tokyo Dome Part 1.mkv_snapshot_01.14.46_2014.04.10_15.27.50.jpg


As for the message... It's a little late for Valentine's wishes but I just wish all the boys find their love, no matter what it is. I hope they get to find someone who cares for them deeply and who they're be comfortable with and be happy.

00:53 

Just a few impratant debunk articles

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
01:32 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
I bitched about a writer's block and my friend goes "Do you have a first draft ready?" Ha. Hahah. She said"first draft". Like how do people write the whole text down, start to end and then just edit?? This is a mystery to me. How?? Do you have a voice in your head that just dictates the words? I write all over the place - bits of dialogue, ideas, phrases. Start, end, middle, bits in between. Rewriting, shifting parts back and forth... My last fic was a big fucking puzzle, I legit highlighted different themes in different colours to make sure they all connect in a right way.

@темы: fanfix

03:50 

I don’t wanna feel Blue anymore...
It's been a weird day.

For one, I had a very peculiar dream. And I have a lot of interesting dreams but somehow this was different from them all. It was sort of a lucid dream but not exactly. I was very self-conscious from the start as I woke up under the stairway of some school. I immediately began to wonder if I'm dreaming but everything felt so real that I could not be sure. Actually, the only thing that made me think that I was dreaming was the fact that I couldn't remember anything until the moment I woke up. Of course, a lot of things happened after that, I got out of that building, I met some old acquaintances (it seemed to be a sort of college class reunion), I went into the city and walked for quite a while. But all of those things were fairly normal things, nothing out of line. I even remember thinking about playing that RPG game once I get home.

When I did wake up I was in for another surprise. The system wouldn't boot on my PC. Which was not so surprising as the night before I had to manually shut down the power. Anyway, I freaked out. Just a notion that I may have to install the system somewhere where it's not meant to be, recover the ton of files I have, then install a new system and delete the temporary one. But of course, Windows itself was not the main concern. This was obviously a symptom of some hardware problem. I was so stressed out over this and nothing seemed to help. I was this close to putting a Win XP on my old drive (I had half-hoping for a sweet date with it), it suddenly dawned on me that this whole time the system was booting from the wrong drive. So relieved but also pissed it took me 3 hours to figure out. I have been having problems with time lag and once the time reset not long ago but this time apparently the whole BIOS setting reset, hence the boot problem. From what I gathered the problems might all come from the CMOS battery. Honestly, that's the least possible hardware problem you might encounter so hopefully that's all there is to it.

@темы: Dreams, PC

The Diary of a Graphomaniac

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